004: How to Get Your Husband Back

LISTEN TO THE SHOW:

I can’t think of anything more painful or heartbreaking than hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore. Maybe I never did.”

Or “It’s over. I’m in love with someone else.”

Or—maybe even worse—to discover those things without him saying anything.

It’s only human to be angry with him for being such a thoughtless jerk. It’s natural to want him to hurt the way he hurt you.

Unfortunately, there’s no real comfort in making him suffer, even though it’s more tempting than a Cinnabon.

There are, however, specific things you can do to give yourself real relief from that continuous ache and to put your family back together.

My guest Fanny discovered her husband had been having an affair for 18 months. She stayed for their kids and finances, and because deep down she really wanted her marriage to work. She didn’t know how or if that could happen until she discovered something that helped her create the marriage she’d always wanted. She shares exactly how she did that.

  • The 14 things you can do for the good of you both when your husband leaves emotionally or physically. (You may shock him–and yourself–in a good way!)
  • The Worst Relationship Advice of the Week is what so many people say to do if you catch your husband cheating, but it’s actually NOT in your best interests.
  • How to start fixing your relationship without your man’s conscious effort so you can feel desired, taken care of and special even if it seems completely hopeless.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW:

Grab your free copy of The Adored Wife Roadmap. It covers common mistakes that everyone seems to be making and lays out the pathway to becoming desired, taken care of and special in your relationship without his conscious effort!

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT:

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Laura Doyle: Alright, today. My guest is Fanny, whose husband refused to show her any affection or tenderness, even though she asked him to

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Laura Doyle: And then she found out he had been having an affair for 18 months but she had no way to get out of the marriage financially. She felt trapped and also because of her children.

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Laura Doyle: She could not imagine where to go, but through the wisdom of no escape. She found an implemented a method that has led to creating the marriage she always dreamed of, Fanny, thank you for being on the program today.

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tammy.caron: Thank you, Laura. I’m so happy to be here. So tell us, take us back to the

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Laura Doyle: Very beginning of this stories. This it sounds sounds dreadful but what what was happening in your marriage back in the battle days.

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tammy.caron: Oh my gosh. There wasn’t much marriage there. That’s definitely how it felt.

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tammy.caron: It. We were roommates and

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tammy.caron: Lots of fighting lots of arguing going on. And my husband did not. Yeah, I just felt like he didn’t care. And he wasn’t ever here for me.

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tammy.caron: Everybody else I just felt like everyone else was put first ahead of me and never any connection or, you know, we could get how stuff done together, but it didn’t. As far as a relationship, you know that had been gone for a long time.

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tammy.caron: Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: So you were letting him know that you needed more affection.

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tammy.caron: So Oh, definitely. Yeah. I told them I you know I told him you know you don’t you don’t get women. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WOMEN. You don’t know what women need

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tammy.caron: Um, and I would tell them, sometimes, you know, this is what I need, I need this and this and this to be happy. And he would tell me things like one thing he said to me, What quite often was, I’m not going to kiss your

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tammy.caron: And I was so sad when I when I remember him saying that because part of me that’s what I really wanted and here he was telling me the one thing I I really wanted. I wasn’t going to get

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Laura Doyle: Like he wanted to feel adored you want it to be.

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tammy.caron: Absolutely, and I knew, I’m

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Laura Doyle: Not going to do that.

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tammy.caron: Right. And I would sit on my bed. I just have these memories of sitting on the edge of my bed in the morning or at night and

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tammy.caron: Maybe he had gone off to work or was out and just how so puzzled in despair. Like, why can’t I figure this out. Like, what

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tammy.caron: What is going on, why can I figure this out. And I knew there was something I I sort of knew. Knew there was, but I just felt like like there was something wrong with me that I was missing. You know, and it was a very lonely place to be.

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Laura Doyle: It sounds incredibly lonely and so see your gut was telling you something was wrong.

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tammy.caron: Yeah, for about 18 months he got it got even worse, if you can imagine, after several years, it got even worse and and he became very mean and and really distant and I didn’t really even know who he was anymore.

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tammy.caron: And just didn’t recognize that person that he had become and I just really suspected that he was involved with another woman. Um, and, eventually, that’s what I did find out

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tammy.caron: After 18 months I had really just suspected, you know, at a certain point, when he had a certain change.

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tammy.caron: And things got even worse with the fighting and and and everything.

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tammy.caron: I had, I was in his vehicle and I found like a note from her and just the things that were on it just really let me know that that that’s what had been going on.

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tammy.caron: And and I was like, oh, I caught him I caught him right I finally caught him. But the flip side of that is, oh my gosh, my husband is involved with another woman, he’s having an affair.

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tammy.caron: And yeah and and then, you know, I was a little bit jubilant after expecting for 18 you know suspecting but then quickly realized I was way in over my head on this, um,

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tammy.caron: Yeah, I just didn’t know what to do.

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Laura Doyle: And so, so you found the note and you’d been saying to him, you’d been kind of accusing him. Prior to this, it sounds like

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tammy.caron: Yeah, I had question.

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Laura Doyle: So when and how did that go oh he

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tammy.caron: Always denied it like one night, he had a you know it’s late, late at night, a text came through on this phone and I saw it was from. And I found a schedule of have a co worker.

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tammy.caron: In his vehicle 1.2. And he said, Oh, she just asked me to pick that up.

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tammy.caron: But it was her work schedule. So there were a little things along the way but he would just always could always had the quick answer didn’t even have to think just could tell me right away. Oh, you know, that’s nothing. Um,

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Laura Doyle: So he is not only having this affair, but he was denying it.

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tammy.caron: Yes, yes, heavily denying it.

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Laura Doyle: Tonight, which had to feel lousy

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tammy.caron: Oh. It sure did. You know, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t even just deserve to at least have the truth, you know, to

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tammy.caron: At least tell me what’s going on. Um, you know, just making me sit in and suffer bad enough about the relationship. But then you know the the piece of, you know, now I have to think about. Oh, another woman’s getting what I really want

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tammy.caron: You know that. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: Terrible, terrible so

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Laura Doyle: Yeah. And, and so, and we see you texted him this picture of this note and then what was his response.

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tammy.caron: Well, at that point, you know, he, he was like, Oh, you caught me finally finally he said you know he didn’t come out and say, but it was. Oh, you caught me. Yeah, you know, and I

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tammy.caron: I really just couldn’t believe it. And, and I, I came home because I had, I was up the road and he he

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tammy.caron: He was packing and he packed everything like all his clothes at night and some of his important stuff and he loaded his vehicle his truck and he was going to leave and he did leave actually

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tammy.caron: And I, I didn’t know what to do. And I got in my car and I’m driving. I was driving around and and I, for some reason, reached out to him in and

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tammy.caron: He said, Okay, if you want to talk. One more time. Come meet me up at the corner. So I went up to the corner and we’re sitting there and

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tammy.caron: Talking and and he he still wouldn’t wasn’t real accountable with whatever, but he was like, you know, I’m out of here. I’m done. I’m gone.

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tammy.caron: And and I just sort of like started to see my world. Just like my my life just pass before my eyes and in things and. And one of the things I know now is I just believe that

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tammy.caron: That my future self was helping me at that point.

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tammy.caron: Because I said something very vulnerable to him and I at that point in the midst of this I

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tammy.caron: I just don’t know how I could have ever been so vulnerable with him because at that point, I didn’t have that skill.

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tammy.caron: And and I looked at him and I said, I’m just so sad. We’re at this point because you’re the only man in my life that has ever really made me feel feel that I’ve been taken care of.

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tammy.caron: That you’ve always been the one there for me to take care of me the only man. And he looked at me and he said, turn around and drive back home.

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tammy.caron: And I didn’t even question him. I just did it, but it was the way he did. You know, the look on his face and I drove back home and I put

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tammy.caron: And I pulled in and he thought I’d follow me home. And then he brought all his stuff in the house and and so there I was with this. Okay, what what just happened. Right. How did this happen and in how you know oh

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tammy.caron: Um, and he was still home like I he was still here, but we had a situation where he he was here I was still here at this point. But I didn’t really know what to do.

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tammy.caron: And that next little period was just really hard because I was way over my head still with my relationship with my husband, like, for I had, I had saved at the last minute, but I still didn’t know what to do.

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tammy.caron: And I wasn’t even sure what had happened with that moment in time where I had expressed vulnerability, um,

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Laura Doyle: Yeah, so, and there was part of you that probably wanted to leave the relationship to

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tammy.caron: Or didn’t, my gosh, I will, you know, there was quite a bit, it really became a lot of trust issue. At that point, I wasn’t really sure that the affair was over.

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tammy.caron: You know, I couldn’t. Obviously, it hadn’t gotten me anywhere to question them before, and now I had this my husband here in my house, but I think they’re very tenuous

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tammy.caron: And I didn’t know at what point, I could push them back out the door again or, you know, and so I sort of flipped where I was one that was

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tammy.caron: And and for periods of time, I would pack up my stuff. And I would leave but then I come back and and that went on for a couple a few months I’m

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Laura Doyle: Sure. Because every time you would see. So you weren’t sure the affair was over might not have been over and then you would see evidence and then you would get scared. Again, it sounds like in that would have you want to leave.

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tammy.caron: Yeah, and just afraid of it, the shoe dropping again like Oh, and by the way, I am still in, you know, I thought that point then he would really come clean and say, oh, you know, um,

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tammy.caron: Yeah, I, I want to be with her. I’m done with you, you know, so then I think I was always trying to like avoid that moment and and I did hear the, you know, things that you hear women say I don’t feel it for you, like I used to.

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tammy.caron: I mean, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I heard those things.

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Laura Doyle: During that point. Yeah, and

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tammy.caron: It’s like, what do you do

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Laura Doyle: Did you think there was hope for this marriage.

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tammy.caron: You know, um,

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tammy.caron: Well, I must have because I’m still here, but I didn’t know how to fix it. That, you know, I didn’t, I didn’t want to give up on my marriage.

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tammy.caron: I didn’t want to give up on my husband because I remembered what it had been like in the early days, and I knew we were good together, but I did not know how to fix it. Like I

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tammy.caron: Yeah, I didn’t know what to do.

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tammy.caron: What happened. Well, you know, this is another piece that that’s kind of like the future reaching out and at that point, maybe this was my future husband reaching out to me but

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tammy.caron: We, um, we were intimate one night and and he in a moment of just vulnerability on his part. He put his hands on my face and he kissed my forehead, and he said, now just

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tammy.caron: just settle down. You know, I’m it’s over. And you just need to settle down and I was like okay and I was like a deer in the headlights for about two hours.

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tammy.caron: He fell asleep, and I’m just like, what did he just do. That’s what I want. I want him to put his hands on my face to kiss my forehead to talk to me like that you know and and the very next day I just knew. I’m like,

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tammy.caron: That’s what I want. I had just a little, little snippet righty, of what it could be. It was just a moment and I Googled how to have intimacy with your husband, and lo and behold, Laura there you were, you were the first thing that came up and I clicked on it and I went to the

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tammy.caron: Website and I was hooked. Like, like I think whatever

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tammy.caron: I watched whatever was on there about the controlling criticizing women. Oh my gosh. And within a few short minutes

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tammy.caron: Of watching that and then buying your book. I was like, Oh my gosh, this is the answer. Like I have like I, no doubt, no doubt at all. I never had a doubt that this

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tammy.caron: Was going to be something that would help me and it has been everything, you know, three and a half years later, I still to this day, I think about the skills every day and cannot believe like that was the answer to the prayer I had for so many years. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: I love that. So, so what, what did you first hear you’ve started doing things differently. What did you start doing

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tammy.caron: Oh yeah so I remember you know I have found out I was not a good receiver.

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tammy.caron: And and I had not been receiving for so long. My husband. I was sweeping the floor and the kitchen and I never let him help me. I just, I don’t know why. Now, but he said to me. Can I do that for you.

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tammy.caron: And I said, Sure. And I handed him the broom and I thought he was gonna fall over, because that just go you know he was shocked that I was letting him.

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tammy.caron: Do that, you know, and he he swept up the floor and because I had learned so much about gratitude. You know I express lots of gratitude to him for that and

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tammy.caron: And that was one of the first like his reaction to my being able to receive just knew I knew I was on track that was, you know, one of my moments that stand back in the early days when I just did something, you know, when I just received. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: Oh man, that

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Laura Doyle: Kind of had you say I think this might be working

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tammy.caron: Yeah, there’s

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Laura Doyle: Hope for this relationship. After all, and then was there a day when you felt like okay like my marriage is saved. Like it’s fixed or how, how did that happen, or is it just been

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tammy.caron: Gradual Oh my gosh, I feel like that every day. No, but I look weird things, you know. Well, the interesting thing about what happened is, um, I, I remember thinking, early on after I found my skills that

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tammy.caron: It.

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tammy.caron: Like it was over the affair. But what I really found out was it took a little bit of time for that to get to get its way you know out

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tammy.caron: But in the first couple weeks. The skills were so effective for us in our

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tammy.caron: Our communication pattern and everything, where the fighting went away. So you know that part of it were in duct tape. Right. Oh my gosh. Like us having the duct tape and not fighting so I knew right away that I was on to something with that.

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tammy.caron: The, the other pieces of it, you know, have taken did take time, but fortunately I always had a skill I could reach for, like, you know, I always had something that that when the hard time came, I had something to reach for

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tammy.caron: Like there’s an assortment of skill of skills and I love that about it and yeah and I think, wow, you know, I think.

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tammy.caron: At one point, my husband, um,

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tammy.caron: You know, I wasn’t perfect I did still

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tammy.caron: Look for evidence that I that things were going on. And then one day I got the same thing again from him that I had initially that prompted me to find

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tammy.caron: Lead lead me to the intimacy skills and he um I was had a little bit of that and just expressing

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tammy.caron: That I was afraid and he grabbed me and he put his hands on my face again. And he said to me.

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tammy.caron: I just want you to know.

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tammy.caron: That

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tammy.caron: I

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tammy.caron: Am not going to let anyone ever take me away from you again.

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tammy.caron: And and I realized when I looked at him. You know that he had

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tammy.caron: Something inside of him that he was showing me that I had not seen before.

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Laura Doyle: What do you mean like a

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tammy.caron: Like a, you know, I think, I think I had been looking so much externally for everything like proof and that he liked the piece of vulnerability that I was finally in that safe space where he showed me like

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tammy.caron: How strong, he wasn’t side.

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tammy.caron: And the evidence was inside of him.

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tammy.caron: Is what I saw. And look like he showed it to me.

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Laura Doyle: And he had a confidence in your marriage at that point.

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Laura Doyle: Yes, yes, yes. And so, that must have gone MS in a kind of an amazing moment.

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tammy.caron: Isn’t amaze me, it’s still an amazing moment because I replay it in my head all the time.

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tammy.caron: About you know when I’m feeling a little bit. I’ll just because I don’t have any doubt that he meant what he said that day. And, and, um,

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tammy.caron: I think the piece of intimacy and connection. Are those just those little moments in life right it’s not, you know, you only

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tammy.caron: Like I yeah before the intimacy skills, my complaint would have been that I didn’t get enough time with my husband, and now I know I just, I don’t need as much time. I just need it to be the really good time when when it’s just you know we connect like that. Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: What about resentment.

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tammy.caron: Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a lot of resentment, for sure. Um,

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tammy.caron: So what does that mean. Oh yeah, like it’s yeah I it was, um, fortunately, I had a coach, um, that really helped me through this and my coach told me

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tammy.caron: And what I learned. You know, here.

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tammy.caron: Is that self care. Right. And she said, in your situation, you need to do perpetual self care. And what I love is that you can always experiment with the skills.

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tammy.caron: And she challenged me to experiment with doing like perpetual self care for a month, which I had never really done that but i thought okay, I’m going to try it.

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tammy.caron: I did self care for about four months and just, you know, if I wasn’t working or sleeping. I was thinking about myself care and I’m because I I had carried around a lot of resentment in and had resentment about the affair.

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tammy.caron: I was standing in my living room one day and all at once. I just felt it thud off me like I heard it hit the floor. I felt lighter

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tammy.caron: And in you know yeah and I fortunately have never really picked that resentment back up like because I learned that lesson early on that the self care was the key.

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Laura Doyle: So you’re saying it really can go away like the the resentment that anger that deep, deep hurt have been betrayed. It really can leave.

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tammy.caron: Yes, yes, it’s gone.

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tammy.caron: Yeah. You know, I think it is gone. I mean, there are times, um,

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tammy.caron: You know there’s been enough time now and and enough self care that you know if I see it surface a little bit, you know, I know that you know i’m not i’m not in a place

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tammy.caron: For me, the magic of relinquishing control. Also, I, I’m very good at really relinquishing control and living in the moment and saying to myself, okay.

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tammy.caron: If you need to pick this back up tomorrow or the next day you can come circle back around to it. But if you just do some self care today and let this go a lot of times it’s not there the next day. It’s gone.

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Laura Doyle: So you might feel the urge to complain or criticize or be mistrustful but you’re not acting on it, you’re able to delay it

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tammy.caron: Yes, delay it in it in it. And, um,

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It.

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tammy.caron: It goes away.

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Laura Doyle: What about thoughts of like he doesn’t deserve me like he cheated on me. I never cheated on him like

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Yeah.

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Laura Doyle: Does that ever come up for you.

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tammy.caron: It does. Um, I think for me, one of the things I had to realize early on is that, um,

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tammy.caron: I could only control. It was on my paper about this and and this took a long time to come to the realization of but there’s a certain amount of acceptance that I couldn’t really hold that value for my husband.

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tammy.caron: I’m of

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tammy.caron: That that was my personal value. And even though we had committed to each other in marriage.

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tammy.caron: To have and hold and I’m in all of that, that goes along with your marriage files.

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tammy.caron: I, I just really

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tammy.caron: treasured that I was able to stick to my side of the things because I know from the history of how what led up to as a fear that there was a lot of things that I did that damage our relationship and I can only I could only fix that part of it. So,

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tammy.caron: Yeah. You know, I don’t know that I know the answer, entirely to that question, but I still have a lot of faith right now that I’m

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tammy.caron: When, when I do think that piece about how could he do that to me or I have understanding about how it happened.

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tammy.caron: I’m

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Laura Doyle: Going to hear you saying is there some empowerment and knowing your contribution to this breakdown. You didn’t make him cheat. That’s never going to be your fault, but what I hear you saying is knowing what you know now.

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Laura Doyle: You would have done things differently. Is that right,

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tammy.caron: Yeah, like, I’m not sure we would have ended up in the space where we’re there was a. And the other thing about it is, um, there’s, there’s a silver lining to it so

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tammy.caron: I don’t know i if if if I wouldn’t have found out about the affair, or if he wouldn’t have had the affair. I don’t know that we would have ever taken this journey to where we’re at now. Like I could have been spent the whole my whole life in a, in a, you know, what felt like a loveless

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tammy.caron: Marriage.

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tammy.caron: And never had any

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tammy.caron: Reason to make any changes. So, in some way, it’s gonna it’s, it is really strange to say, but I’m actually really and i and i said this probably six months ago. I’m actually grateful that it happened. I’m grateful that that it happened. This is painful and hurtful as as it is to think about

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tammy.caron: Betrayal, if the betrayal and it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t think I would, would be in the place where I am now.

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Laura Doyle: And what is your marriage, like now.

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tammy.caron: Oh my gosh, it’s wonderful. I caught my husband cleaning the toilet today.

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tammy.caron: The bathroom like without even, like, like, you know, like I’m like what

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tammy.caron: Like what’s the noise upstairs and I come up there. It’s like, oh, and and he had bought special stuff to do it. And the drains he’s he’s telling me his whole theory things. I don’t even have to think about more. I mean, I, you know, um, yeah.

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tammy.caron: From that day you know of, you know, when he said that he wasn’t gonna give me what I wanted. Now, it gives me everything I want like yeah, there’s not

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tammy.caron: If I say something he he will do work his hardest to give it to me.

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Laura Doyle: Um, because what you want. And what about the attention and the tenderness and affection.

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tammy.caron: It’s all there. It’s all there.

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tammy.caron: So yeah, there’s actually I get all kinds of Forehead kisses now.

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Laura Doyle: That’s

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Laura Doyle: Part of the

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Laura Doyle: That’s just part of Franny’s day is getting that kind of intimacy and connection.

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tammy.caron: Yeah, absolutely.

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Laura Doyle: So what would you say if you could go back in time, which apparently you did already and talk to yourself from the battle that, you know, like say what you know now.

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Laura Doyle: To Franny before. What would you say to her.

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tammy.caron: Oh,

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tammy.caron: There is something that will help you

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tammy.caron: And you just need to be willing to try it.

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You

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tammy.caron: It will help it will work.

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Laura Doyle: And what would you say, what’s a tip you give to a woman who’s in your bone, who’s just found out, he’s betrayed her. He has had an affair, or he’s having it still and what she really really want is

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Laura Doyle: To be adored to have her to have her ass kissed right and you’re

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tammy.caron: Right.

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Laura Doyle: She wants to she wants what you have now where he is this year on the forehead and saying I’ve got you and the things that your husband has said, what, what’s your tip for

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tammy.caron: My one tip I’m

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tammy.caron: Faith over fear.

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tammy.caron: Faith over fear and and so I have to add the second tip because these are probably the two things like like the I’m looking for the evidence.

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tammy.caron: Yeah, look for the evidence of what you want.

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tammy.caron: The faith over fear the two together. I think

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tammy.caron: I still keep a running list to everything. My husband does for me. I don’t always get everything on it. Nowadays, but but yeah I keep in my phone. My cell phone. I just keep it in

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tammy.caron: Yeah, what we focus on increases and that is so true. And if you focus on the other woman. It’s going to increase. And I did that in the early, early on I focus on it and yeah

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Laura Doyle: You know, for me, it’s, it’s very difficult to come on a podcast and tell this story. It’s a painful story. And yet here you are telling it and I just, I’m just wondering, what is it that have has you want to come and share this story.

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tammy.caron: Well,

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tammy.caron: Laura, I see so many women really struggle with with other women. Other Woman thing and and I think for me, what I really found out is as long as I struggled with that and focused on that.

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tammy.caron: I wasn’t doing what I needed to do with myself and and no matter what happens in the end, as you’re waiting for your miracle. This work is really about helping yourself.

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tammy.caron: And being the best version of yourself. And that’s what you know that’s what I would say I did was created this best version of myself. And I’m still a work in progress, but I, I want that for other women. I want other women to have that ability to do that by using the intimacy skills.

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tammy.caron: To save their marriage. Yeah, and to save their marriage.

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Laura Doyle: And to save their marriage if you’re living walking proof, not just saving it. But really, making it worth saving three creating the kind of marriage that you drink, you would have

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Laura Doyle: I just love that it’s so inspiring Franny to hear the whole story from beginning to end. I just congratulate you on

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Laura Doyle: Doing the things that led to you, creating your own miracle and now being a standard beacon of hope for other women who want the same things. It’s been great.

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tammy.caron: Thank you, Laura. I’m so honored to be part of this work with you.

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Thank you so much.

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All right.


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2 thoughts on “004: How to Get Your Husband Back”

  1. This podcast came just on time for me!!! I love this message and the encouragement. What a great testimony!

  2. I completely agreed, I’m actually grateful my fiance’s affair happened, otherwise I would have never found The Empowered Wife and I would have probably lived the rest of my life turning more and more into my mother.
    Through the Intimacy Skills, our relationship is turning around and I’ve only been practicing the Skills for TWO WEEKS!!
    Laura Doyle is a direct answer to my prayers!!
    THANK YOU!!!

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