007: How to Bring Back that Lovin’ Feeling


Recently a student named Sharon told me that she had no hope of having a happy marriage because her husband hated her.

When I asked how she knew that, she said that he was always scowling at her and that he took every opportunity to say mean things.

It sounded incredibly lonely and painful. I could see why she was feeling so hopeless.

She had plenty of evidence that her husband hated her, and that he hurt her intentionally.

But I had a hunch her husband’s hatred was more likely a symptom than the real problem.

If you’re feeling like your husband is hateful or hurting you intentionally, here’s what to do to heal your marriage:

Here’s What You’ll Here:

  • In today’s episode I’m going to share what to do to restore deep connection and affection even if your husband seems indifferent or even actively seems to dislike you.
  • My guest Mari spent five lonely years in her third marriage fearing that she’d made yet another mistake and was headed for yet another divorce. But today she is the center of her husband’s universe. She’s going to tell us how she turned her relationship around and made it fun and sweet again.
  • Then I’ll be giving out the award for The Worst Relationship Advice of the Week which you have heard so many times it seems like THE TRUTH, but actually doesn’t mean what most people think it means.

Grab your free copy of The Adored Wife Roadmap. It covers common mistakes that everyone seems to be making and lays out the pathway to becoming desired, taken care of and special in your relationship without his conscious effort!


00:00:03.990 –> 00:00:13.590
Laura Doyle: My guess Mari had given up everything to marry her husband, but soon after the wedding. She saw his true self emergence she knew that she had married the wrong man.

00:00:14.009 –> 00:00:26.370
Laura Doyle: She thought you’d be getting a life partner, but instead found herself saddled with a do nothing withdrawn stranger. He refused to talk about their expenses and she watched as her life savings drained away.

00:00:26.790 –> 00:00:44.430
Laura Doyle: And her home went into foreclosure. She thought she was headed for a third divorce, but instead she did a few things completely different than she had been doing them before. And today, she has a marriage that exceeds her wildest dreams. Welcome, Mark, thanks for coming on the show.

00:00:44.580 –> 00:00:47.820
Mari Jean: Well, thank you, thank you, Laura. Pleasure to be here.

00:00:48.630 –> 00:00:53.310
Laura Doyle: So tell us what were things like in the bad old days in your marriage.

00:00:54.660 –> 00:00:58.140
Mari Jean: It’s hard. It’s, it’s hard to remember how bad it was.

00:00:59.160 –> 00:01:03.000
Mari Jean: It was lonely. I was hopeless.

00:01:05.790 –> 00:01:15.780
Mari Jean: You know, I said I married the wrong guy. I was like old I was in my 50s. I was so ashamed. I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t tell my friends.

00:01:16.260 –> 00:01:36.210
Mari Jean: Because, you know, they look to me as this happy go lucky single person who finally found the man and and I didn’t. It was miserable. I was just isolated. I didn’t know. I didn’t know where to go, what to do. My husband wouldn’t talk to me and I was ashamed to talk to anybody else.

00:01:36.360 –> 00:01:44.850
Laura Doyle: See we’re completely alone. So was there a moment when you just thought I I can’t go on like this. I’m gonna. This is not sustainable.

00:01:46.410 –> 00:01:47.100
Mari Jean: There was

00:01:48.570 –> 00:02:00.150
Mari Jean: No dragged along on life, you know, support for a few years and then I just, I couldn’t bear it anymore. And I started, I started Googling divorce attorneys.

00:02:02.160 –> 00:02:05.190
Mari Jean: Little interview that you did with the Huffington Post came up and

00:02:06.810 –> 00:02:16.080
Mari Jean: It just, it sounded a little hopeful maybe possibly Laura. This was my third marriage. This is my third marriage and I was just

00:02:18.510 –> 00:02:25.500
Mari Jean: I didn’t think I could do it, but I, I figured I needed to give it a try needed to prove to myself that I at least had done everything that I could

00:02:27.180 –> 00:02:29.580
Mari Jean: So I got your book surrendered wife.

00:02:30.960 –> 00:02:38.100
Mari Jean: I read it and it started to make a little bit of a difference. Some of the things I changed.

00:02:40.680 –> 00:02:46.410
Mari Jean: The first thing that I did was I stopped him clothes and my husband.

00:02:48.810 –> 00:02:53.100
Mari Jean: He would just were like the same pair of pants and the same shirt for his entire life. If he could

00:02:53.730 –> 00:03:02.970
Mari Jean: But I knew this to be a successful person, you had to dress like you wanted to, you know, and so I would always buy him beautiful clothes and beautiful shoes and shirts and

00:03:03.780 –> 00:03:16.380
Mari Jean: Just, it was really important to me that he was well dressed, and he met his stuff was still in the bags and stuff was still in the wrappers. And it just used to make me so angry. And so I stopped buying many clothes.

00:03:17.280 –> 00:03:19.320
Laura Doyle: So he didn’t appreciate that at all that you

00:03:19.620 –> 00:03:22.350
Mari Jean: Know, he never appreciated all the work I put in

00:03:23.550 –> 00:03:25.350
Mari Jean: acting the way I thought it should act.

00:03:25.710 –> 00:03:29.820
Laura Doyle: Well, and so, and how was he responding to you at that time when you were

00:03:29.820 –> 00:03:37.590
Mari Jean: But he wasn’t he just say, Oh, thanks. I mean, put it in this closet. Okay. And that was it, and

00:03:39.000 –> 00:03:41.820
Mari Jean: I’d spend so long on each thing. And he just

00:03:43.740 –> 00:03:55.980
Mari Jean: He just didn’t care. He didn’t care what I thought he didn’t. It felt like he couldn’t he felt like my only job was to like be the made that was it. So the launcher was done. It just didn’t seem to matter what I did.

00:03:56.070 –> 00:03:59.610
Laura Doyle: And so he he didn’t think feel that he loved you know

00:04:00.630 –> 00:04:02.340
He definitely didn’t love you, you

00:04:03.690 –> 00:04:06.450
Mari Jean: Know, I felt that I was useful to him.

00:04:08.940 –> 00:04:16.680
Mari Jean: But that was it. That was all I got from him. He couldn’t even talk to me. He couldn’t even let me know when he was coming home. He couldn’t even call me to say he’d be home.

00:04:17.160 –> 00:04:23.460
Mari Jean: And then I know he was home because I, I’d see that his car in the driveway. So I’d have to go looking through the house to find him.

00:04:23.790 –> 00:04:25.230
Laura Doyle: So it was like having a roommate.

00:04:25.530 –> 00:04:27.750
Mari Jean: was worse than a roommate. I talked to my roommate.

00:04:29.550 –> 00:04:36.540
Laura Doyle: This there is no conversation at all. Okay, so you. So you started buying them close you stopped. That was one of the things I stopped.

00:04:38.520 –> 00:04:40.980
Mari Jean: And a funny thing happened. He didn’t notice.

00:04:42.960 –> 00:04:44.880
Mari Jean: But I stopped being so angry about it.

00:04:45.990 –> 00:04:51.720
Mari Jean: So it was an interesting to sort of get the idea that maybe

00:04:52.980 –> 00:04:56.370
Mari Jean: I might have some control over this anger thing.

00:04:58.170 –> 00:05:09.240
Laura Doyle: Percent. Yes. Okay. And so, so you got you got to hold the skills and you were, you know, this was one of the first things you did it sounds like it’s just not buying and closing

00:05:09.600 –> 00:05:25.380
Laura Doyle: And that gave you a little more hope that there was that you had some power to at least have a different experience on your end of the marriage, but was there a moment where you thought, well, this is working in the way that he’s responding to me too.

00:05:26.490 –> 00:05:33.300
Mari Jean: Yes, there was a very specific night, Laura. It was the evening of one of my classes with you.

00:05:33.900 –> 00:05:43.710
Mari Jean: And that day we were supposed to be grateful. You said write down in your in your book three things that you’re grateful for is like, I’m not grateful for anything. My life is disgusting.

00:05:44.040 –> 00:05:55.500
Mari Jean: Everything’s horrible. There’s nothing to be grateful for. And you said Mari goes to work every day. Right. So he goes to work every day, but he’s always going to work every day. There’s nothing to do with me. He said, Mari, just do it.

00:05:58.620 –> 00:05:59.910
Laura Doyle: A good coach. Okay.

00:06:01.980 –> 00:06:03.390
Mari Jean: Going I got well you know

00:06:06.390 –> 00:06:12.390
Mari Jean: I paid her I should listen to her. I’m going to do it because I know she’s wrong and that night I

00:06:13.440 –> 00:06:16.320
Mari Jean: Came home and and went over to him and I remember it was

00:06:18.900 –> 00:06:22.590
Mari Jean: I knew he was gonna make fun of me. I knew it was going to be awful but

00:06:23.190 –> 00:06:24.300
Laura Doyle: So this was risky.

00:06:24.390 –> 00:06:30.810
Mari Jean: Be replaced so risky. The only thing that kept me going was looking forward to saying to see Laura, you’re wrong.

00:06:32.010 –> 00:06:33.630
Mari Jean: And so I said to him,

00:06:35.190 –> 00:06:35.940
Mari Jean: Is it Clark.

00:06:37.410 –> 00:06:45.900
Mari Jean: I just want to let you know, just want to tell you that I’m really grateful that you go to work every day and then you come home every night.

00:06:47.820 –> 00:06:48.180

00:06:49.680 –> 00:06:58.500
Mari Jean: Oh my God, I just cry, thinking about it because then he looked at me with this look. And he said, Well, of course I do.

00:07:00.480 –> 00:07:02.100
Mari Jean: I want to take care of you.

00:07:04.170 –> 00:07:04.860
And Laura.

00:07:06.510 –> 00:07:08.010
Mari Jean: It just everything changed.

00:07:09.300 –> 00:07:17.250
Mari Jean: Changed it, I never said anything like that. I’d never heard him say anything like that before.

00:07:18.600 –> 00:07:27.630
Mari Jean: Once I learned the skills I started to realize all the ways that he was always telling me he loved me wanted to take care of me, but they were in husband speak and I didn’t know that.

00:07:28.830 –> 00:07:30.390
Laura Doyle: She got like a new hearing aid.

00:07:31.980 –> 00:07:33.720
Mari Jean: I hear a translation. Yes.

00:07:35.130 –> 00:07:36.570
Laura Doyle: Like this dog collars.

00:07:37.650 –> 00:07:54.000
Laura Doyle: I love you, from earlier. Okay. You could finally hear these beautiful sentiment, actually, that he is going to work thing was part of him expressing love for Mari we’re taking care of me.

00:07:55.260 –> 00:07:55.830
Which was

00:07:57.090 –> 00:08:00.780
Mari Jean: No one ever took care of me like that. No one ever took care of me before.

00:08:02.520 –> 00:08:16.380
Laura Doyle: And there was. I mean, earlier on you were having your having this financial distress that you were talking about with your house going into foreclosure your savings being diminished, and he didn’t want to talk about that.

00:08:16.410 –> 00:08:18.930
Mari Jean: Not at all, he would make the crazy hands.

00:08:20.160 –> 00:08:21.390
Laura Doyle: Right, so

00:08:21.420 –> 00:08:25.860
Mari Jean: This is the crazy hands ready when I would start talking and make the crazy hands, and we believe the room.

00:08:26.430 –> 00:08:26.790
Laura Doyle: I guess.

00:08:27.000 –> 00:08:29.130
Mari Jean: Stop the sample coming in. I don’t know.

00:08:29.670 –> 00:08:31.110
Laura Doyle: So you were just alone with

00:08:31.170 –> 00:08:31.680
Mari Jean: With low

00:08:31.770 –> 00:08:40.500
Laura Doyle: There was our yeah and financial chaos, really. Yes. And then, and he had no solution for this.

00:08:40.560 –> 00:08:52.500
Mari Jean: He was not discussing anything there was nothing to discuss. I, I just thought he didn’t care. I it was just another piece of proof that he really didn’t care at all about me.

00:08:52.890 –> 00:08:58.350
Laura Doyle: And money is one of the biggest things that people fight about and that was certainly going on for you at your house. It sounds

00:08:58.680 –> 00:09:13.950
Mari Jean: There wasn’t even fighting there was no discussion I had several I’ve been a realtor it several pieces of property as well as my own home, and it was 2005 2006 the market crashed and all of my real estate was worth like $1 99

00:09:15.300 –> 00:09:29.310
Mari Jean: We had just gone through two major hurricanes and Florida. I had tenants that we’re now unemployed and couldn’t pay the rent and Clark was like the crazy hands and walking out of the room. It was like, just what am I supposed to do.

00:09:30.390 –> 00:09:31.230
Very stressful.

00:09:33.030 –> 00:09:33.360
Laura Doyle: Yeah.

00:09:34.770 –> 00:09:43.620
Laura Doyle: Right. It is hard to go. It’s hard to go back and so and the marriage was so bad at this point anyway because he did later take a job.

00:09:44.340 –> 00:09:54.420
Mari Jean: To Hell. It’s an interesting thing. His solution that he had been planning unknown to me was to take a job in Afghanistan, where he would get

00:09:55.380 –> 00:10:11.520
Mari Jean: Combat pay and risk, high risk pay and so his salary was like triple what he had been making in the States which, in fact, took care of all the debts and but I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that was on his mind. I didn’t know he was even considering it.

00:10:12.990 –> 00:10:18.720
Mari Jean: I only found out way afterwards that that was the plan. I thought he was going to go to Afghanistan to get away from me.

00:10:19.860 –> 00:10:22.950
Laura Doyle: And what was your reaction when he said he was going to Afghanistan.

00:10:23.130 –> 00:10:34.710
Mari Jean: Oh, such a good idea. I really wanted him to go. I wanted him out of my life. And since I couldn’t personally murder him. I thought maybe he would go away and my problems would be done.

00:10:36.030 –> 00:10:36.540
Mari Jean: So,

00:10:37.830 –> 00:10:41.400
Laura Doyle: Yeah yeah everyone how to get a divorce because he’d be dead already.

00:10:41.400 –> 00:10:45.540
Mari Jean: And then I’d be a widow and everyone feel sorry for insurance.

00:10:46.290 –> 00:10:53.400
Laura Doyle: Life insurance. Okay. Who hasn’t thought that has a distressed marriage. I know I did. So I just, yeah, I love that.

00:10:54.360 –> 00:10:56.550
Mari Jean: God, I know all my problems would be solved.

00:10:57.060 –> 00:11:08.760
Laura Doyle: I got, I get it, I get it. So, all right. So you stopped buying his clothes you started expressing some gratitude. I mean, what, what’s your relationship like now. Oh.

00:11:11.670 –> 00:11:30.630
Mari Jean: I’m gonna leave him with a man of my dreams. It’s the same guy. It’s the same guy, he just, he just needed to be respected. He just needed to be allowed to say things the way he wanted to save them in his own words without me helping him. I was very helpful.

00:11:32.610 –> 00:11:44.370
Mari Jean: And he needed to. You know what I needed to believe in him. I needed to believe that he was very, very capable and competent and and let him.

00:11:44.910 –> 00:12:03.450
Mari Jean: And let him do that capable, competent stuff and he did, and he’s um his career is just taken off like crazy, he’s you know he’s 68 years old and he’s in more demand than he ever was in his entire life. He can pick and choose wherever he wants to work and

00:12:04.830 –> 00:12:07.020
Laura Doyle: He’s worked back, he’s back in the states now.

00:12:07.050 –> 00:12:10.170
Mari Jean: Yes, he was away, for it was away for two and a half years.

00:12:11.670 –> 00:12:12.000
You know,

00:12:13.530 –> 00:12:24.570
Mari Jean: He’s really smart. He’s really good at what he does and he’s in an industry that is just growing like crazy. And he’s like, at the head of the path.

00:12:25.380 –> 00:12:38.100
Mari Jean: I remember back in those bad old days, I used to think, how is he raking his boss to think he knows what he’s doing it works. This is a man who can take out the garbage.

00:12:40.320 –> 00:12:42.630
Mari Jean: They put him in charge of a department.

00:12:44.190 –> 00:12:44.970
Yeah, I guess.

00:12:46.170 –> 00:12:47.790
Mari Jean: You can basically write his own ticket now.

00:12:49.440 –> 00:12:54.270
Laura Doyle: And what about when he comes home. Is there still this wall of silence.

00:12:54.330 –> 00:13:01.770
Mari Jean: That’s oh my god it’s first of all, he calls me on his way home. He calls me and when he comes home.

00:13:02.910 –> 00:13:11.730
Mari Jean: All right, I’m going to tell a terrible disgusting story he came home from work the other day and I was in the bathroom and he came into the bathroom to kiss me. Hello. I said,

00:13:13.680 –> 00:13:13.980
Give me

00:13:19.890 –> 00:13:24.570
Laura Doyle: I love. That’s right. I mean, you see, you feel loved. He could not stand to be away from you. Once I get

00:13:25.050 –> 00:13:28.440
Mari Jean: Bored. I feel adored and cherished and I feel

00:13:29.520 –> 00:13:33.150
Mari Jean: I feel like I am, the number one priority in his life.

00:13:35.550 –> 00:13:44.640
Mari Jean: And you know on those days when things are like crappy because, you know, I still get its life is messy and sometimes I just get carried away with myself.

00:13:45.750 –> 00:13:55.560
Mari Jean: And I have the skills to stop in and remember all of the things that are brilliant and beautiful about my husband and and it’s all good again.

00:13:57.450 –> 00:14:04.560
Laura Doyle: So if you could go back in time and talk to yourself from before you knew what you know now what would you say

00:14:08.070 –> 00:14:20.340
Mari Jean: I’d say, I’d say, just trust him trust him to be to be your husband and throw away the white man you throw it away. That stuff’s fake

00:14:21.180 –> 00:14:36.510
Mari Jean: That stuff we see on TV, it’s fake. You know, I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do the thing that I would that I learned. That’s the most important thing of all, or is that what my husband wants the most is for me to be happy.

00:14:38.760 –> 00:14:41.580
Laura Doyle: You didn’t. You didn’t think that was the case. No.

00:14:41.580 –> 00:14:45.750
Mari Jean: Idea. No, I never thought that for a moment.

00:14:46.560 –> 00:14:48.330
Laura Doyle: You are sure he didn’t care about that.

00:14:49.110 –> 00:14:50.280
Mari Jean: I was positive.

00:14:54.120 –> 00:15:03.930
Laura Doyle: So, so what’s a tip. So for a woman whose situation is, is it where she’s feeling like like not even as good as roommates, because he doesn’t talk to me.

00:15:04.470 –> 00:15:16.890
Laura Doyle: And she wants to get to the part where he cannot wait for her to come out in the bathroom. He has to run in there and kisser because he is so adoring what, how did she get to where you are, what should she do

00:15:17.550 –> 00:15:20.100
Mari Jean: I would say just take a chance

00:15:21.780 –> 00:15:23.490
Trust in the skills.

00:15:24.810 –> 00:15:30.720
Mari Jean: Read the stories of the women that have come before you, and just leap in with both feet.

00:15:32.520 –> 00:15:42.690
Laura Doyle: That’s what I would say. I love that. All right. We talked about some hard things today. You know, for closures and trying to collect the life insurance so you don’t

00:15:43.710 –> 00:15:46.470
Laura Doyle: Say don’t have to stop Googling the divorce attorneys.

00:15:47.730 –> 00:15:53.880
Laura Doyle: Would you be willing to share such vulnerable personal information so publicly

00:15:55.980 –> 00:16:03.000
Mari Jean: It is really hard because it’s shameful it’s shameful to admit all of those things.

00:16:04.350 –> 00:16:10.800
Mari Jean: But I know that if you hadn’t shared your shameful stories.

00:16:11.880 –> 00:16:23.190
Mari Jean: I wouldn’t have had the courage to take a chance and so you know it’s the play it forward. Pay It Forward, whatever it is you shared and because of that I was able to

00:16:23.910 –> 00:16:35.940
Mari Jean: Take a chance and move forward and I would hope that my story could encourage those women who are feeling so utterly hopeless to just

00:16:40.140 –> 00:16:40.890
Mari Jean: This is there.

00:16:41.640 –> 00:16:52.920
Laura Doyle: I love that. And then and now you are a coach you are gifted powerful relationship coach who helps other women with their relationships, what, how has that affected your relationship.

00:16:53.460 –> 00:16:57.420
Mari Jean: First of all, it’s the best job I’ve ever had in my life and I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life.

00:16:58.740 –> 00:17:05.010
Mari Jean: It affects my relationship because it keeps me honest. It keeps me accountable and

00:17:06.660 –> 00:17:11.610
Mari Jean: It just really makes me appreciate my husband, more and more and more. I think he’s such a great guy.

00:17:13.770 –> 00:17:30.600
Laura Doyle: This has been wonderful to hear your story of how it seemed hopeless and you were looking for a divorce to now feeling so taken care of. That’s I think the main headline that loved adored and taken care of. And thank you so much for sharing it with this Marie.

00:17:31.320 –> 00:17:34.860
Mari Jean: My absolute pleasure, Laura. Thank you. Thank you for all that you do for us.

00:17:36.480 –> 00:17:37.170
Laura Doyle: You bet.


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2 thoughts on “007: How to Bring Back that Lovin’ Feeling”

  1. I’ve been following all the steps and my husband got worse says he doesn’t trust me and he’s become even more distant

  2. I am so inspired by Mari’s relationship transformation. I loved how her husband is chasing her all the way to the bathroom to get a kiss from her. Sounds like he is in love 🙂

    I can so relate to believing that my husband hates me. I am still tempted to go to that thinking when I am low on self-care. Self-care is what makes me able to see the good and the beautiful in my relationship.

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