What’s that? You didn’t know there was an aphrodisiac for men? And that it’s super effective, works fast, and is free?
Me, neither–for years. No one ever told me.
Maybe no one has ever mentioned it to you either.
When someone finally did tell me, I had no idea what they were talking about even though I thought I did.
You may not be clear exactly either what it means. Which is why I’m going to spell it out.
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Laura Doyle: My guest today. Julie was married to a man who foolishly lost almost every penny of their savings with a bad investment while she was pregnant.
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Laura Doyle: And doing this, she could no longer trust and to keep her safe. She knew he had also grown distant and taken up activities that did not include her but when he asked her for a divorce. She knew he meant it.
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Laura Doyle: I think I’m done. He said, You still don’t get it, but instead of a divorce. Julie embraced the Lord oil philosophy fixed her marriage and made it amazing better than it was before. Julie. Thanks for coming on the show to share your story.
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Julie K: Absolutely. So glad to be here this morning.
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Laura Doyle: So things did not go as you planned early in your marriage. Tell us about that.
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Julie K: Oh, I know. And it’s so interesting because I can remember that day like it was yesterday. And we were only we’ve only been married about three or four years.
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Julie K: And I was pregnant with my second child, and was at work. So Life was good. Right. I had a great job. He had a great job and I got a call one day in the morning.
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Julie K: And he said, Julie. I need you to go to the credit union and I need you to take out $9,000 out of our account and a certified check and I need you to meet me at the courthouse in an hour. We’re getting ready to buy a house for this gentleman, so that he doesn’t lose his house in foreclosure.
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Julie K: And so if this is his business right and we were house flippers. So I thought, okay, he must have done a lot of due diligence on this and I went to the bank and
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Julie K: Full of fear. Like, I’m not going to say, I wasn’t scared I dumped out our entire life savings. That’s all we had between us and a catastrophe.
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Julie K: And I got a certified check and I met him at the courthouse and even when I was handing over the check. I was still afraid, but I thought no i’m gonna i’m going to trust this process and we’re going to help this guy out isn’t my husband so generous.
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Julie K: To help him and his time of need. And so I handed over the chat and then we went to go get financing for that property.
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Julie K: And the loan officer came to us and said, I don’t know how to even tell you guys this, but there are so many liens on this property, nobody in the United States will lend you money to finish this deal
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Julie K: So we had just flushed $9,000 down the drain. And this man was still living in his house. So he’s still still had his property was living in his house.
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Julie K: But that’s really when the feeling of, you’re an idiot really started to happen for me with my husband because
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Julie K: Yes, he’s been taken advantage of. But he’s more of a risk taker than I am. I’m more cautious.
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Julie K: I believe that you don’t learn friends in my a family money like all of these languages, right, like it always followed all my life.
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Julie K: And here I had just given our life savings and we had little kids and I was pregnant and so all I could think about was everything that could potentially go wrong. While we didn’t have any money. And so
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Julie K: I then got very angry and we went back to the foreclosure sale. The next month. And we had, we had found other families that had been taken advantage of this man is by this man as well.
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Julie K: And we bought his house out from under him in foreclosure and paid every one of those families back, but it did give me this sense of
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Julie K: Almost entitlement. Right. Like, I’m the protector. I’m the one that’s going to take care of this business. If it’s to be done on the one right like and
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Julie K: It just started this kind of subconscious low level of disrespect of I can’t trust you. You’re not reliable you’ve put me in jeopardy, I’m afraid.
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Julie K: All of these things. And I know for me that my marriage really took a nosedive based on this trauma, like after this traumatic experience for me.
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Laura Doyle: Well anybody would be scared out of their minds, right. Anybody would be upset and disappointed any human being. And so, of course, this made you feel like you wanted to take little more control over things. And so how did he, how did that affect the marriage.
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Julie K: I yeah I went into super control right like so I had to be in charge of the money like I never let him touch the the checking account or the savings account I made sure I was always tracking the money.
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Julie K: And even with the children, which was so interesting because I’m a blended family. So my husband had two children before he even married me
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Julie K: And I used to view him as an expert in that department and suddenly when my new babies were showing up. I kind of
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Julie K: took their control of that too and didn’t really lean on him as much as I had to be the expert in that department. So yeah, I was just
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Julie K: superwoman all the way around. I just made sure I was doing everything I was controlling everything I never wanted to find myself in that situation again. It was so frightening that situation.
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Laura Doyle: And how did you first discover the intimacy skills and the connection framework.
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Julie K: Well for me, I just realized I’m a big reader and my marriage was not where I wanted it to be. I mean, we were just fighting all the time.
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Julie K: And when my older daughter came to me and said, I’m we can’t take it anymore. Like you’re fighting is now starting to affect us kids like we don’t even want to be in the house. Like it’s it’s getting really, really bad.
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Julie K: So I put on a baseball cap and really dark glasses and went to Barnes and Noble and snuck in the back where the relationship section is and literally just lined up like 10 different marriage books.
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Julie K: And the Empowered wife is the one that really kind of like spoke to me. And I thought, okay, I’m going to get this one and
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Julie K: paid cash because I didn’t want anybody. I didn’t want my husband to see, you know, that I had bought this relationship book.
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Julie K: And I quietly went into my bedroom and it was like a Sunday. It was raining. And so I took your book in there and just read it cover to cover.
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Julie K: And realized it felt like it was speaking directly to me every situation. I realized I had been sitting on the fence. I had been
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Julie K: Hiding money for fear of if I needed it. In case of a divorce. I mean, all of these things that you had really talked about. I had been doing
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Julie K: And so that was the moment. My husband was out watching football and I just went out to him and I was crying and I just said.
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Julie K: I think I can see it now. Like, I think I see that it’s been my fault, like I’ve been doing this and he got a little teary eyed, too. And he just said thank you
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Julie K: Because I think he didn’t even try to tell me for years. And I think that I needed to hear it from a woman.
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Julie K: I think I needed to hear it from a married woman right like you just kind of look at your husband, like you don’t understand what this is, like, for me, you don’t get it, but I think you got it and and you were able to articulate it in a way that then I got it, which I was so grateful for.
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Laura Doyle: And it was there a moment when you said, well, we can’t go on like this, something’s gotta change here.
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Julie K: Yeah, it’s so interesting because I when I was reading that first book I had realized that I had read surrendered single as well.
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Julie K: And so I’m just drawn to your work, naturally, and I read surrendered single and then got married to Burt like a year later. So I knew that I was dating him because of this work.
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Julie K: Because I read that book and it opened my eyes to a new way of showing up as a girlfriend.
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Julie K: And I never would have accepted that blind date with him. If it hadn’t been for surrender single
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Julie K: So I signed up for coaching and I had 12 sessions with a private coach, which was amazing. I loved my coach and really thought to myself,
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Julie K: I don’t know how I didn’t know all of this. I don’t know how I lived for this many years and had the education. I did. And my parents have been married, like, How did I not know these skills.
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Julie K: And so I really thought to myself, I have to teach this, like I have to share this women need to know about this. And so I decided to sign up for Coach training.
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Julie K: And during my coach training you had offered a cherished for life weekend and I realized that I had not traveled or been anywhere by myself, since I had been married
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Julie K: And so I signed up for cherish for life weekend. It was the first time I trusted my husband to stay with those kids and to take care of them for four days.
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Julie K: And you would think that that would have been great self care right like that. I would have come back with a great mindset and that I would have been filled up
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Julie K: But instead on Sunday night, I could still feel myself nagging and complaining and I realized that my daughter’s school bag her little red school bag from kindergarten hadn’t made it home from Friday pickup.
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Julie K: And so all I could focus on was tomorrow morning. I’m going to have to get up and park the car in that parking lot.
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Julie K: And walk that little girl in there. And I’ve got to find her school bag and is probably the Lost and Found and I’m going to have to go and really hustled to find the school bag.
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Julie K: And why could my husband just to done all of this on Friday afternoon. And so I laid in bed and thought to myself, I’ve got to share this with my husband and a very
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Julie K: Surrendered wife way. Like, how am I going to tell my husband that he’s an idiot. Who left this bag and now he’s put me out and created more work for me.
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Julie K: And so I thought about creating a pure desire around it like, Oh, I would love to not have to go get her school bag or, you know, how can I do it in a way that would pin it on him.
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Julie K: And still really control. Yeah, I still be respectful make him responsible right like for this school bag.
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Julie K: And so I came down to the kitchen and let them have it in my very what I thought was a very surrendered wife way.
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Julie K: And went back to bed, and he came in with a cup of coffee and he just set it down on the nightstand. And he said, real real calmly. He said, yeah, I think I want a divorce.
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Julie K: I think I’m done. He said, You’ve, you’ve had coach training now and you you had a private coach Julie like you are still not getting it.
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Julie K: And I got real still inside. And I thought to myself, he’s right. I’ve been reading about this. I’ve been studying this, but I haven’t been applying it. It had not become real.
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Julie K: To me until that moment and I said to him, well, we’re not getting divorced. I love you and I hear what you’re saying. Like, I hear you.
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Julie K: And that’s when the transformation really happened for me I relinquish control of the finances, like I really started to follow the skills to the letter I wasn’t like
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Julie K: You know, being like a cafeteria, or like, oh, if gratitude works for me. I’m just going to use the gratitude one, but the rest of them. I’m not going to do the rest of them.
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Julie K: I really double down and I was like, No, I’m in this to win this. Now, like I am serious and committed and that’s when I call it my little red school bag and I keep that bag in my closet, kind of as a touchstone in a reminder
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Julie K: That is more about my energy. It’s more about my mindset. It’s not about that little school bag like I should have let that go. My husband had been so wonderful and it kept those kids all weekend for me.
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Julie K: But I couldn’t even grasp that I couldn’t even get that insight, like I was just so focused on that little school bag or where he screwed up right where he where he had messed up.
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Laura Doyle: Well, that’s an amazing story. I mean, so any and you were able to save your marriage after that.
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Laura Doyle: So I’m what is your marriage, like now.
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Julie K: My marriage is cherished I just I view it almost like on a different almost like a spiritual level like I don’t view it is this
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Julie K: Paperwork of like we’ve agreed to get married. And so now you just have to suck it up, buddy, like we’re in it. You just got to suck it up, I view it as
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Julie K: The most cherished thing in my life. And we walk hand in hand. And I just know that I would have lost everything. If he had left like if he had if he had decided this is enough. And I’m done with you.
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Julie K: And so it changes my energy when I show up. It changes my energy in the kitchen. It changes my energy when we’re on a date. It just changes everything. And
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Julie K: Our relationship now is fun and playful and he includes me now. That’s what I really knew Laura when he took me to Costa Rica with him on the guys surf trip.
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Julie K: This was like you know like the holy grail, right, like he they go with like 10 guys they rent a house and I was invited to go and
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Julie K: My husband rented a separate condo, for he and I, so that I could go with him and he could serve, and I could just go and relax.
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Julie K: And that was like a fantasy, a couple years ago, like I would have never in a million years thought that he would have taken me on his self care trip like that’s a self care.
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Laura Doyle: So this is a big moment we thought, well, this is really working because he wants to be with me now. I love that. So if you could go back and talk to yourself.
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Laura Doyle: From the battle days when maybe when he made that $9,000 mistake, you know, what do you, what do you know now that you didn’t know then
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Julie K: I think that we’re all going to make mistakes, right, like I make mistakes all the time. I know.
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Julie K: Just this summer. I have actually gotten into, like, I’ve got this beautiful suburban my husband has bought me this beautiful car.
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Julie K: One morning on the way to gym I drove through paint and now there’s white paint that splattered on the side.
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Julie K: And later, a couple months later I accidentally got a little accident and then a couple weeks after that I backed into someone in the zoo parking lot, because I had the kids in the car. He never made me feel bad. He never made me. He never shamed me
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Julie K: And I realized there’s a way to be graceful. I mean, we all make mistakes and I was so grateful for him to not make me feel bad.
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Julie K: About those three incidences I made myself feel bad enough, and he felt horrible when that happened, and he really recognized. I’m the head of this family and I got taken advantage of. And
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Julie K: I wasn’t very gracious in that moment to just let that lesson be what it was I started acting like his mother, like maybe he didn’t get it.
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Julie K: Maybe this wasn’t enough of a lesson for him. And so I started a finger pointing and that all went away with Coach training, I just realized you know we’re all human and he’s human. I’m a mere mortal woman, and we’re going to make mistakes, but it’s easy if you can just
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Julie K: Maintain the intimacy and move on.
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Laura Doyle: And so I’m looking back, was there any particular thing that you did that you felt like this really made a big difference in my relationship.
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Julie K: Yes, for me, I, you know, it’s so funny. I was so career oriented that I didn’t date a lot. I had maybe one or two boyfriends through high school and college nothing serious.
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Julie K: And I’m really focused on my career, all through my 20s. And by the time I got to 30 I was starting to panic. A little bit.
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Julie K: And so I just remember when I realized, Bert was my boyfriend how important that felt like how important that relationship felt and how special it was and how much I
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Julie K: Revered it and cherished it and I lost that. And so after a couple years of marriage, you know, he got to be very familiar and I started to take advantage of that feeling. And so
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Julie K: Now I think of him as my boyfriend. So if I’m on the couch and I’m curled up in a blanket and it’s nine o’clock at night, and I’ve got my fuzzy socks on. And he’s like,
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Julie K: Hey, do you want to go get on the electric bikes and ride downtown and go get a glass of wine.
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Julie K: I stop and think, my boyfriend just called me and asked me on a date. And so I leap off the couch and go, Yes, I would love to go get a glass of wine and I take off my fuzzy socks and I put on my fun shoes.
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Julie K: And get on that electric bike and go on a date with them. So it’s just a difference in what I’ve rather sat on the couch. Probably, but the fun and the intimacy is so much more important now that I just view him as my boyfriend.
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Laura Doyle: I love that. And what, what’s your tip for a woman who’s listening now maybe her husband’s saying he wants a divorce.
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Laura Doyle: And she wants to have this kind of relationship where her boyfriend asks her to go for a bike ride to get a glass of wine with her. So what’s your, what’s your best tip for her.
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Julie K: I think is just to put the focus back on yourself and I wasn’t putting the focus on myself at all. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t making my self happy or making myself feel special.
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Julie K: And I was only focusing on him and what he was doing and how he was showing up. And I think my tip would be to just say, take a break. Like, take a breather and
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Julie K: The minute I stopped focusing on everything that he was doing wrong through the whole marriage and Laura, that’s when I really knew
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Julie K: One day in the kitchen. My husband and I were cooking and we had a glass of wine and it was very romantic and we had Pandora playing in the background.
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Julie K: And he had put it on a country western station and an old like Randy Travis song came on and it was digging up bones.
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Julie K: And he started singing to that song. And that’s what he used to tell me he’d be like, Julie, you keep digging up those bones like why do you keep focusing on the past and
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Julie K: This he finally looked at me and he said, you’ve stopped doing that you stopped digging up the bones and I really love that about you now.
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Julie K: And that’s when I knew I was like, that’s right. I have stopped digging up the bones like I don’t look to the past anymore the mistakes that we made or how we hurt each other.
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Julie K: I just I look to the present, and I look to the future now and I just said, we didn’t know any better. Back then, we didn’t have the lessons or the skill set, or the skills and so now I just look forward to say how is it going to be in the future. What’s my vision for the future for us.
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Laura Doyle: It is astonishing that no one ever teaches us these skills, but now you have them and listening to some very secure about your marriage. Now, do you ever wonder like, Wait, is this, is he going to come back and ask for divorce again.
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Julie K: No I don’t, you know, I still feel that fear of
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Julie K: You know, the financial piece of it. So, I still have to guard against
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Julie K: My husband’s a very smart businessman. He runs his own business can employees, lots of people. And so I have to just go back to
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Julie K: You know, maybe I use faith over fear in that moment, or I think of all the things that he’s done right, financially, right. Like, I don’t want to just keep focusing on that one mistake that he made years ago.
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Julie K: And I just, you just got to move on. And even if he does make a mistake.
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Julie K: I will show up differently. I think I could still remain in my dignity. Now, and still remain respectful.
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Julie K: And realize this was a mistake and it’s just money and we can move beyond this, but when it happened and I was young, that $9,000 seemed like it was irreplaceable like we would never get that money back. Right. Yeah.
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Laura Doyle: If you ever just feel a sense of pride of what you’ve accomplished in your marriage.
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Julie K: You know, it’s a feel a sense of pride because it’s been good for my kids. And when we’re all relaxed and the weekends gone really well. And the kids are happy. I do feel a sense for both of us.
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Julie K: Because my husband, even though I was getting the training and I was doing the work. He’s, he’s had to do a lot too. And he’s had to forgive a lot and he’s had to say.
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Julie K: Okay Julie’s doing better, but there was a lot of things that I did that were wrong that he’s had to overlook to and he’s had to step over so that we could get to this place.
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Laura Doyle: I just hear tremendous gratitude in your story, Julie, but it’s also very inspiring to hear how you went from
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Laura Doyle: This this marriage was going to end and you actually really created something beautiful in its place by being committed and focused and bettering yourself. You just became a better Julie.
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Laura Doyle: And so I love that. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you for everything that you provided
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Julie K: For me, it really has made all the difference.
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Laura Doyle: Glad to hear it. My bad.