008: The Best Aphrodisiac for Men


What’s that? You didn’t know there was an aphrodisiac for men? And that it’s super effective, works fast, and is free?

Me, neither–for years. No one ever told me.

Maybe no one has ever mentioned it to you either.

When someone finally did tell me, I had no idea what they were talking about even though I thought I did.

You may not be clear exactly either what it means. Which is why I’m going to spell it out.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

  • If you’re experiencing a chill in the bedroom or you’re in a sexless marriage, this episode is going to be incredibly valuable for you in reversing that.
  • My guest Julie’s husband asked her for a divorce she knew he meant it. But instead of ending her marriage, Julie found a way to make it better than it was before. She’s going to tell us how she did that.
  • Then I’ll be giving out the award for The Worst Relationship Advice of the Week which is something that most people consider an absolute fact, but it never, ever, ever got me what I wanted in my marriage.

Grab your free copy of The Adored Wife Roadmap. It covers common mistakes that everyone seems to be making and lays out the pathway to becoming desired, taken care of and special in your relationship without his conscious effort!


00:00:03.510 –> 00:00:12.630
Laura Doyle: My guest today. Julie was married to a man who foolishly lost almost every penny of their savings with a bad investment while she was pregnant.

00:00:13.200 –> 00:00:24.780
Laura Doyle: And doing this, she could no longer trust and to keep her safe. She knew he had also grown distant and taken up activities that did not include her but when he asked her for a divorce. She knew he meant it.

00:00:25.620 –> 00:00:39.990
Laura Doyle: I think I’m done. He said, You still don’t get it, but instead of a divorce. Julie embraced the Lord oil philosophy fixed her marriage and made it amazing better than it was before. Julie. Thanks for coming on the show to share your story.

00:00:40.350 –> 00:00:42.810
Julie K: Absolutely. So glad to be here this morning.

00:00:43.560 –> 00:00:48.090
Laura Doyle: So things did not go as you planned early in your marriage. Tell us about that.

00:00:48.930 –> 00:00:56.730
Julie K: Oh, I know. And it’s so interesting because I can remember that day like it was yesterday. And we were only we’ve only been married about three or four years.

00:00:57.120 –> 00:01:06.180
Julie K: And I was pregnant with my second child, and was at work. So Life was good. Right. I had a great job. He had a great job and I got a call one day in the morning.

00:01:06.540 –> 00:01:24.750
Julie K: And he said, Julie. I need you to go to the credit union and I need you to take out $9,000 out of our account and a certified check and I need you to meet me at the courthouse in an hour. We’re getting ready to buy a house for this gentleman, so that he doesn’t lose his house in foreclosure.

00:01:25.770 –> 00:01:37.470
Julie K: And so if this is his business right and we were house flippers. So I thought, okay, he must have done a lot of due diligence on this and I went to the bank and

00:01:38.160 –> 00:01:46.530
Julie K: Full of fear. Like, I’m not going to say, I wasn’t scared I dumped out our entire life savings. That’s all we had between us and a catastrophe.

00:01:47.130 –> 00:02:01.440
Julie K: And I got a certified check and I met him at the courthouse and even when I was handing over the check. I was still afraid, but I thought no i’m gonna i’m going to trust this process and we’re going to help this guy out isn’t my husband so generous.

00:02:02.040 –> 00:02:11.040
Julie K: To help him and his time of need. And so I handed over the chat and then we went to go get financing for that property.

00:02:11.430 –> 00:02:24.210
Julie K: And the loan officer came to us and said, I don’t know how to even tell you guys this, but there are so many liens on this property, nobody in the United States will lend you money to finish this deal

00:02:24.660 –> 00:02:37.650
Julie K: So we had just flushed $9,000 down the drain. And this man was still living in his house. So he’s still still had his property was living in his house.

00:02:38.130 –> 00:02:47.820
Julie K: But that’s really when the feeling of, you’re an idiot really started to happen for me with my husband because

00:02:48.540 –> 00:02:54.150
Julie K: Yes, he’s been taken advantage of. But he’s more of a risk taker than I am. I’m more cautious.

00:02:54.570 –> 00:03:01.560
Julie K: I believe that you don’t learn friends in my a family money like all of these languages, right, like it always followed all my life.

00:03:01.830 –> 00:03:15.360
Julie K: And here I had just given our life savings and we had little kids and I was pregnant and so all I could think about was everything that could potentially go wrong. While we didn’t have any money. And so

00:03:16.440 –> 00:03:27.720
Julie K: I then got very angry and we went back to the foreclosure sale. The next month. And we had, we had found other families that had been taken advantage of this man is by this man as well.

00:03:28.050 –> 00:03:39.600
Julie K: And we bought his house out from under him in foreclosure and paid every one of those families back, but it did give me this sense of

00:03:40.230 –> 00:03:48.750
Julie K: Almost entitlement. Right. Like, I’m the protector. I’m the one that’s going to take care of this business. If it’s to be done on the one right like and

00:03:49.080 –> 00:04:00.600
Julie K: It just started this kind of subconscious low level of disrespect of I can’t trust you. You’re not reliable you’ve put me in jeopardy, I’m afraid.

00:04:00.930 –> 00:04:11.130
Julie K: All of these things. And I know for me that my marriage really took a nosedive based on this trauma, like after this traumatic experience for me.

00:04:11.790 –> 00:04:28.020
Laura Doyle: Well anybody would be scared out of their minds, right. Anybody would be upset and disappointed any human being. And so, of course, this made you feel like you wanted to take little more control over things. And so how did he, how did that affect the marriage.

00:04:29.070 –> 00:04:40.500
Julie K: I yeah I went into super control right like so I had to be in charge of the money like I never let him touch the the checking account or the savings account I made sure I was always tracking the money.

00:04:40.860 –> 00:04:50.460
Julie K: And even with the children, which was so interesting because I’m a blended family. So my husband had two children before he even married me

00:04:50.910 –> 00:04:57.660
Julie K: And I used to view him as an expert in that department and suddenly when my new babies were showing up. I kind of

00:04:57.990 –> 00:05:07.560
Julie K: took their control of that too and didn’t really lean on him as much as I had to be the expert in that department. So yeah, I was just

00:05:08.070 –> 00:05:20.010
Julie K: superwoman all the way around. I just made sure I was doing everything I was controlling everything I never wanted to find myself in that situation again. It was so frightening that situation.

00:05:20.850 –> 00:05:26.160
Laura Doyle: And how did you first discover the intimacy skills and the connection framework.

00:05:27.210 –> 00:05:37.830
Julie K: Well for me, I just realized I’m a big reader and my marriage was not where I wanted it to be. I mean, we were just fighting all the time.

00:05:38.310 –> 00:05:49.950
Julie K: And when my older daughter came to me and said, I’m we can’t take it anymore. Like you’re fighting is now starting to affect us kids like we don’t even want to be in the house. Like it’s it’s getting really, really bad.

00:05:50.340 –> 00:06:04.740
Julie K: So I put on a baseball cap and really dark glasses and went to Barnes and Noble and snuck in the back where the relationship section is and literally just lined up like 10 different marriage books.

00:06:05.160 –> 00:06:13.050
Julie K: And the Empowered wife is the one that really kind of like spoke to me. And I thought, okay, I’m going to get this one and

00:06:13.620 –> 00:06:19.590
Julie K: paid cash because I didn’t want anybody. I didn’t want my husband to see, you know, that I had bought this relationship book.

00:06:20.220 –> 00:06:29.820
Julie K: And I quietly went into my bedroom and it was like a Sunday. It was raining. And so I took your book in there and just read it cover to cover.

00:06:30.390 –> 00:06:39.570
Julie K: And realized it felt like it was speaking directly to me every situation. I realized I had been sitting on the fence. I had been

00:06:39.840 –> 00:06:48.840
Julie K: Hiding money for fear of if I needed it. In case of a divorce. I mean, all of these things that you had really talked about. I had been doing

00:06:49.380 –> 00:06:57.150
Julie K: And so that was the moment. My husband was out watching football and I just went out to him and I was crying and I just said.

00:06:57.990 –> 00:07:08.460
Julie K: I think I can see it now. Like, I think I see that it’s been my fault, like I’ve been doing this and he got a little teary eyed, too. And he just said thank you

00:07:08.880 –> 00:07:15.570
Julie K: Because I think he didn’t even try to tell me for years. And I think that I needed to hear it from a woman.

00:07:15.870 –> 00:07:31.110
Julie K: I think I needed to hear it from a married woman right like you just kind of look at your husband, like you don’t understand what this is, like, for me, you don’t get it, but I think you got it and and you were able to articulate it in a way that then I got it, which I was so grateful for.

00:07:32.550 –> 00:07:39.180
Laura Doyle: And it was there a moment when you said, well, we can’t go on like this, something’s gotta change here.

00:07:39.780 –> 00:07:47.250
Julie K: Yeah, it’s so interesting because I when I was reading that first book I had realized that I had read surrendered single as well.

00:07:47.580 –> 00:07:59.700
Julie K: And so I’m just drawn to your work, naturally, and I read surrendered single and then got married to Burt like a year later. So I knew that I was dating him because of this work.

00:08:00.510 –> 00:08:06.630
Julie K: Because I read that book and it opened my eyes to a new way of showing up as a girlfriend.

00:08:07.170 –> 00:08:11.730
Julie K: And I never would have accepted that blind date with him. If it hadn’t been for surrender single

00:08:12.210 –> 00:08:24.570
Julie K: So I signed up for coaching and I had 12 sessions with a private coach, which was amazing. I loved my coach and really thought to myself,

00:08:24.960 –> 00:08:35.670
Julie K: I don’t know how I didn’t know all of this. I don’t know how I lived for this many years and had the education. I did. And my parents have been married, like, How did I not know these skills.

00:08:36.060 –> 00:08:45.930
Julie K: And so I really thought to myself, I have to teach this, like I have to share this women need to know about this. And so I decided to sign up for Coach training.

00:08:46.740 –> 00:08:58.230
Julie K: And during my coach training you had offered a cherished for life weekend and I realized that I had not traveled or been anywhere by myself, since I had been married

00:08:58.800 –> 00:09:08.700
Julie K: And so I signed up for cherish for life weekend. It was the first time I trusted my husband to stay with those kids and to take care of them for four days.

00:09:09.150 –> 00:09:16.290
Julie K: And you would think that that would have been great self care right like that. I would have come back with a great mindset and that I would have been filled up

00:09:16.680 –> 00:09:32.340
Julie K: But instead on Sunday night, I could still feel myself nagging and complaining and I realized that my daughter’s school bag her little red school bag from kindergarten hadn’t made it home from Friday pickup.

00:09:33.150 –> 00:09:41.220
Julie K: And so all I could focus on was tomorrow morning. I’m going to have to get up and park the car in that parking lot.

00:09:41.460 –> 00:09:50.040
Julie K: And walk that little girl in there. And I’ve got to find her school bag and is probably the Lost and Found and I’m going to have to go and really hustled to find the school bag.

00:09:50.370 –> 00:10:01.740
Julie K: And why could my husband just to done all of this on Friday afternoon. And so I laid in bed and thought to myself, I’ve got to share this with my husband and a very

00:10:02.430 –> 00:10:11.610
Julie K: Surrendered wife way. Like, how am I going to tell my husband that he’s an idiot. Who left this bag and now he’s put me out and created more work for me.

00:10:12.000 –> 00:10:22.620
Julie K: And so I thought about creating a pure desire around it like, Oh, I would love to not have to go get her school bag or, you know, how can I do it in a way that would pin it on him.

00:10:23.070 –> 00:10:28.920
Julie K: And still really control. Yeah, I still be respectful make him responsible right like for this school bag.

00:10:29.520 –> 00:10:38.040
Julie K: And so I came down to the kitchen and let them have it in my very what I thought was a very surrendered wife way.

00:10:38.640 –> 00:10:50.130
Julie K: And went back to bed, and he came in with a cup of coffee and he just set it down on the nightstand. And he said, real real calmly. He said, yeah, I think I want a divorce.

00:10:51.000 –> 00:11:02.190
Julie K: I think I’m done. He said, You’ve, you’ve had coach training now and you you had a private coach Julie like you are still not getting it.

00:11:03.060 –> 00:11:17.490
Julie K: And I got real still inside. And I thought to myself, he’s right. I’ve been reading about this. I’ve been studying this, but I haven’t been applying it. It had not become real.

00:11:18.000 –> 00:11:28.380
Julie K: To me until that moment and I said to him, well, we’re not getting divorced. I love you and I hear what you’re saying. Like, I hear you.

00:11:28.860 –> 00:11:39.270
Julie K: And that’s when the transformation really happened for me I relinquish control of the finances, like I really started to follow the skills to the letter I wasn’t like

00:11:39.630 –> 00:11:46.950
Julie K: You know, being like a cafeteria, or like, oh, if gratitude works for me. I’m just going to use the gratitude one, but the rest of them. I’m not going to do the rest of them.

00:11:47.280 –> 00:12:02.310
Julie K: I really double down and I was like, No, I’m in this to win this. Now, like I am serious and committed and that’s when I call it my little red school bag and I keep that bag in my closet, kind of as a touchstone in a reminder

00:12:02.670 –> 00:12:15.570
Julie K: That is more about my energy. It’s more about my mindset. It’s not about that little school bag like I should have let that go. My husband had been so wonderful and it kept those kids all weekend for me.

00:12:16.020 –> 00:12:25.440
Julie K: But I couldn’t even grasp that I couldn’t even get that insight, like I was just so focused on that little school bag or where he screwed up right where he where he had messed up.

00:12:28.020 –> 00:12:35.010
Laura Doyle: Well, that’s an amazing story. I mean, so any and you were able to save your marriage after that.

00:12:36.450 –> 00:12:39.960
Laura Doyle: So I’m what is your marriage, like now.

00:12:41.580 –> 00:12:52.560
Julie K: My marriage is cherished I just I view it almost like on a different almost like a spiritual level like I don’t view it is this

00:12:53.520 –> 00:13:02.970
Julie K: Paperwork of like we’ve agreed to get married. And so now you just have to suck it up, buddy, like we’re in it. You just got to suck it up, I view it as

00:13:03.450 –> 00:13:16.530
Julie K: The most cherished thing in my life. And we walk hand in hand. And I just know that I would have lost everything. If he had left like if he had if he had decided this is enough. And I’m done with you.

00:13:16.950 –> 00:13:26.970
Julie K: And so it changes my energy when I show up. It changes my energy in the kitchen. It changes my energy when we’re on a date. It just changes everything. And

00:13:27.420 –> 00:13:38.820
Julie K: Our relationship now is fun and playful and he includes me now. That’s what I really knew Laura when he took me to Costa Rica with him on the guys surf trip.

00:13:39.330 –> 00:13:47.880
Julie K: This was like you know like the holy grail, right, like he they go with like 10 guys they rent a house and I was invited to go and

00:13:48.420 –> 00:13:55.770
Julie K: My husband rented a separate condo, for he and I, so that I could go with him and he could serve, and I could just go and relax.

00:13:56.160 –> 00:14:05.880
Julie K: And that was like a fantasy, a couple years ago, like I would have never in a million years thought that he would have taken me on his self care trip like that’s a self care.

00:14:06.990 –> 00:14:17.070
Laura Doyle: So this is a big moment we thought, well, this is really working because he wants to be with me now. I love that. So if you could go back and talk to yourself.

00:14:17.790 –> 00:14:27.090
Laura Doyle: From the battle days when maybe when he made that $9,000 mistake, you know, what do you, what do you know now that you didn’t know then

00:14:28.590 –> 00:14:34.260
Julie K: I think that we’re all going to make mistakes, right, like I make mistakes all the time. I know.

00:14:35.190 –> 00:14:42.510
Julie K: Just this summer. I have actually gotten into, like, I’ve got this beautiful suburban my husband has bought me this beautiful car.

00:14:42.930 –> 00:14:48.840
Julie K: One morning on the way to gym I drove through paint and now there’s white paint that splattered on the side.

00:14:49.380 –> 00:15:05.160
Julie K: And later, a couple months later I accidentally got a little accident and then a couple weeks after that I backed into someone in the zoo parking lot, because I had the kids in the car. He never made me feel bad. He never made me. He never shamed me

00:15:06.330 –> 00:15:14.970
Julie K: And I realized there’s a way to be graceful. I mean, we all make mistakes and I was so grateful for him to not make me feel bad.

00:15:15.300 –> 00:15:28.170
Julie K: About those three incidences I made myself feel bad enough, and he felt horrible when that happened, and he really recognized. I’m the head of this family and I got taken advantage of. And

00:15:28.500 –> 00:15:38.220
Julie K: I wasn’t very gracious in that moment to just let that lesson be what it was I started acting like his mother, like maybe he didn’t get it.

00:15:38.610 –> 00:15:54.660
Julie K: Maybe this wasn’t enough of a lesson for him. And so I started a finger pointing and that all went away with Coach training, I just realized you know we’re all human and he’s human. I’m a mere mortal woman, and we’re going to make mistakes, but it’s easy if you can just

00:15:55.830 –> 00:15:58.410
Julie K: Maintain the intimacy and move on.

00:16:00.090 –> 00:16:08.940
Laura Doyle: And so I’m looking back, was there any particular thing that you did that you felt like this really made a big difference in my relationship.

00:16:09.600 –> 00:16:22.740
Julie K: Yes, for me, I, you know, it’s so funny. I was so career oriented that I didn’t date a lot. I had maybe one or two boyfriends through high school and college nothing serious.

00:16:23.190 –> 00:16:31.320
Julie K: And I’m really focused on my career, all through my 20s. And by the time I got to 30 I was starting to panic. A little bit.

00:16:31.710 –> 00:16:43.110
Julie K: And so I just remember when I realized, Bert was my boyfriend how important that felt like how important that relationship felt and how special it was and how much I

00:16:43.470 –> 00:16:54.210
Julie K: Revered it and cherished it and I lost that. And so after a couple years of marriage, you know, he got to be very familiar and I started to take advantage of that feeling. And so

00:16:54.480 –> 00:17:05.280
Julie K: Now I think of him as my boyfriend. So if I’m on the couch and I’m curled up in a blanket and it’s nine o’clock at night, and I’ve got my fuzzy socks on. And he’s like,

00:17:05.730 –> 00:17:10.440
Julie K: Hey, do you want to go get on the electric bikes and ride downtown and go get a glass of wine.

00:17:10.830 –> 00:17:22.860
Julie K: I stop and think, my boyfriend just called me and asked me on a date. And so I leap off the couch and go, Yes, I would love to go get a glass of wine and I take off my fuzzy socks and I put on my fun shoes.

00:17:23.310 –> 00:17:36.630
Julie K: And get on that electric bike and go on a date with them. So it’s just a difference in what I’ve rather sat on the couch. Probably, but the fun and the intimacy is so much more important now that I just view him as my boyfriend.

00:17:37.110 –> 00:17:44.520
Laura Doyle: I love that. And what, what’s your tip for a woman who’s listening now maybe her husband’s saying he wants a divorce.

00:17:44.970 –> 00:17:54.510
Laura Doyle: And she wants to have this kind of relationship where her boyfriend asks her to go for a bike ride to get a glass of wine with her. So what’s your, what’s your best tip for her.

00:17:55.560 –> 00:18:08.880
Julie K: I think is just to put the focus back on yourself and I wasn’t putting the focus on myself at all. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t making my self happy or making myself feel special.

00:18:09.270 –> 00:18:21.930
Julie K: And I was only focusing on him and what he was doing and how he was showing up. And I think my tip would be to just say, take a break. Like, take a breather and

00:18:22.620 –> 00:18:29.670
Julie K: The minute I stopped focusing on everything that he was doing wrong through the whole marriage and Laura, that’s when I really knew

00:18:30.180 –> 00:18:39.540
Julie K: One day in the kitchen. My husband and I were cooking and we had a glass of wine and it was very romantic and we had Pandora playing in the background.

00:18:39.900 –> 00:18:47.880
Julie K: And he had put it on a country western station and an old like Randy Travis song came on and it was digging up bones.

00:18:48.210 –> 00:18:57.420
Julie K: And he started singing to that song. And that’s what he used to tell me he’d be like, Julie, you keep digging up those bones like why do you keep focusing on the past and

00:18:57.960 –> 00:19:05.040
Julie K: This he finally looked at me and he said, you’ve stopped doing that you stopped digging up the bones and I really love that about you now.

00:19:05.430 –> 00:19:15.000
Julie K: And that’s when I knew I was like, that’s right. I have stopped digging up the bones like I don’t look to the past anymore the mistakes that we made or how we hurt each other.

00:19:15.690 –> 00:19:33.360
Julie K: I just I look to the present, and I look to the future now and I just said, we didn’t know any better. Back then, we didn’t have the lessons or the skill set, or the skills and so now I just look forward to say how is it going to be in the future. What’s my vision for the future for us.

00:19:34.890 –> 00:19:49.080
Laura Doyle: It is astonishing that no one ever teaches us these skills, but now you have them and listening to some very secure about your marriage. Now, do you ever wonder like, Wait, is this, is he going to come back and ask for divorce again.

00:19:50.340 –> 00:19:53.490
Julie K: No I don’t, you know, I still feel that fear of

00:19:54.600 –> 00:19:58.680
Julie K: You know, the financial piece of it. So, I still have to guard against

00:19:59.280 –> 00:20:08.250
Julie K: My husband’s a very smart businessman. He runs his own business can employees, lots of people. And so I have to just go back to

00:20:08.550 –> 00:20:19.260
Julie K: You know, maybe I use faith over fear in that moment, or I think of all the things that he’s done right, financially, right. Like, I don’t want to just keep focusing on that one mistake that he made years ago.

00:20:20.670 –> 00:20:24.870
Julie K: And I just, you just got to move on. And even if he does make a mistake.

00:20:25.350 –> 00:20:32.340
Julie K: I will show up differently. I think I could still remain in my dignity. Now, and still remain respectful.

00:20:32.670 –> 00:20:47.310
Julie K: And realize this was a mistake and it’s just money and we can move beyond this, but when it happened and I was young, that $9,000 seemed like it was irreplaceable like we would never get that money back. Right. Yeah.

00:20:48.060 –> 00:20:51.990
Laura Doyle: If you ever just feel a sense of pride of what you’ve accomplished in your marriage.

00:20:53.580 –> 00:21:06.420
Julie K: You know, it’s a feel a sense of pride because it’s been good for my kids. And when we’re all relaxed and the weekends gone really well. And the kids are happy. I do feel a sense for both of us.

00:21:06.900 –> 00:21:17.490
Julie K: Because my husband, even though I was getting the training and I was doing the work. He’s, he’s had to do a lot too. And he’s had to forgive a lot and he’s had to say.

00:21:17.820 –> 00:21:26.250
Julie K: Okay Julie’s doing better, but there was a lot of things that I did that were wrong that he’s had to overlook to and he’s had to step over so that we could get to this place.

00:21:27.090 –> 00:21:34.200
Laura Doyle: I just hear tremendous gratitude in your story, Julie, but it’s also very inspiring to hear how you went from

00:21:34.650 –> 00:21:46.680
Laura Doyle: This this marriage was going to end and you actually really created something beautiful in its place by being committed and focused and bettering yourself. You just became a better Julie.

00:21:47.130 –> 00:21:54.420
Laura Doyle: And so I love that. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you for everything that you provided

00:21:54.420 –> 00:21:57.060
Julie K: For me, it really has made all the difference.

00:21:57.870 –> 00:21:59.610
Laura Doyle: Glad to hear it. My bad.


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3 thoughts on “008: The Best Aphrodisiac for Men”

  1. We have 3 small kids i have no relax and time for myself and this made me depressed and anxious moody and he calls me crazy
    He ignores me completely – for the news or his family relatives problems. This all constantly -Dose not help for my mental health which makes me angrier and he blames it on my anger. No help with kids … bringing money in home some kind of excuse him from responsibilities?!? and im stay in home mom who “dose nothing” I feel like failure.
    How to respect him, I’m so hurt ? and he don’t talk literally!

  2. Hi Laura . I bought your book “the empowered wife” and loving it. I am gutted to see how I have contributed towards my marriage woes. We have been married for 26 years and I think I have made all these mistakes and more. I am in the process of re-learning but I keep making mistakes and sometimes am even worse than before. I wish I lived in the States as I would sign up for your coaching courses. Anyway I have a big question. How do I talk to my husband when he drinks and becomes another person who I do not like at all, he becomes vulgar, crude and ignores me completely. Please advise. Thanks

    • Debbie Bell, That sounds stressful and scary! No one should have to live like that. I still remember feeling stressed and scared in my marriage too and that’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women. We can help you too. We have coaches in the UK and online programs you can access from anywhere in the world! So get a coach and stop feeling overwhelmed and remorseful and start feeling desired, taken care of and special.

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