4 Steps to Fight for Your Marriage when Separated
If you’ve ever been separated, I don’t need to tell you what a stressful, heartbreaking experience it is.
It’s also so awkward and embarrassing to have to explain to everybody what’s going on. You don’t want their pity, or for the kids to get scared or start asking really hard questions.
You just want to fix what’s broken and get back on track already.
Toward that end, I want to share a four-step game plan that hundreds of students have used to make their marriages last and thrive after a separation, even if he said he was never coming back.
It can be done, as many students on our campus have done it, and if you’re committed and courageous, you can do it too.
Here’s how:
Contents
1. Forget Your Troubles, C’mon Get Happy
This first step is the most counterintuitive, but it’s also indispensable. And the irony! While you’re in the most agonizing emotional pain of your entire life, the challenge in front of you is to get really happy.
But why?
When my marriage almost ended, I learned the hard way that only happy people have happy relationships.
I thought it was the other way around, where my happy relationship and loving husband would make me feel happy. Instead, I sucked all the life out of the marriage by getting progressively unhappier then staying stuck there waiting for my husband to make me happy.
And that was excruciating for him because he couldn’t. He had an unhappy wife. Couldn’t please her. Couldn’t make her laugh or even smile.
Never mind that it was also excruciating for me to be miserable.
The solution for both of us was to somehow, some way get happy. To find things that delighted me and do them, even if—especially if—they were frivolous. Like playing volleyball and word games on my phone and listening to a funny podcast.
That led to smiling then laughing then to being pleasable.
Suddenly I wasn’t such a downer to be around anymore because I remembered who I am: the Girl of Fun and Light.
You have that inner just-wanna-have-fun girl in you too. If you haven’t seen her in a while, this is the time to ask yourself whether tap dancing in the living room, going to the forest or watching a comedy would light her up.
This step of getting happy may seem pointless and too hard to do right now. And that’s understandable when there’s a big hole in your world.
The way to patch that hole, in my experience, is with smiles, laughing, singing and dancing.
2. Smile Campaign
Once you’ve found your way to being happy again, your face will surely show it. That means you’ll be smiling all the time, at everyone you see, especially your husband.
Maybe you don’t see him much. That’s okay. You can practice your megawatt smile for when you do see him by smiling at everyone else—your kids, store clerks, colleagues.
This will demonstrate that the scourge of unhappiness you were previously suffering from has been cured. It will also let him know that you’re happy to see him. Isn’t that true?
Of course you’ll be even happier when he comes home and declares that he loves you forever and says he’ll never leave. You’ll smile really big then, right?
The road to that happy ending is paved with smiles.
He might even smile back. Or try to make you laugh. Maybe you’ll start laughing together, which is exactly what happy couples do.
3. Restore Emotional Safety
One of the things that made it feel so good to be together when you fell in love was that you both thought so highly of each other. You weren’t focused on his shortcomings, and he wasn’t focused on yours. So it was safe to dream big and talk freely without worrying that you’d get hurt.
Of course, you did get hurt and so did he. You’re both so hurt! So it can feel hard to restore that emotional safety now that it’s been shattered into a million little pieces.
But a great way to start is by owning your part in the breakdown.
This might seem crazy if he’s the one who separated and you didn’t want that. You may feel he’s the one who should be apologizing.
I remember feeling the same way. It felt so unfamiliar to travel the high road by being accountable for my small, tiny, insignificant part in the breakdown.
But once I did it, I felt empowered. I was no longer a victim because I was choosing to take responsibility for my part of our dances. Some awful things were done…and I’m the one who did them. Some mean things were said…and I’m the one who said them.
That accountability went a long way toward restoring emotional safety, which helped resurrect our original connection.
It also made me feel really good about myself. A lot better than the old victim me ever felt.
4. Set Your Intention
If your husband separated from you, you might think you’re not the one who gets to say what happens next with this marriage or whether it survives.
But I wouldn’t be so sure!
Because one of the ways I see wives save their marriages from separation and make them better than ever is by asking herself what HER intentions are for the marriage. It may seem obvious—of course you want your marriage, which is why you’re reading this blog right now. You’re fighting for it, which I admire very much because marriage is so important.
In our Ridiculously Happy Wife group coaching program, we have a popular training about talking to your future self one year from now. It’s about envisioning what your life is like and finding out how everything went your way.
One thing I love about this training is that women often share with me how spooky it is that when they got their miracle in their marriage, it was exactly what they had envisioned from doing this training. They were dancing together on a trip or expecting a baby or moved into a new home, just like she had imagined back when she first talked to her future self.
So it’s worth asking yourself: What is your vision for the future of your marriage?
As Kermit the frog sang, “Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing. Keep pretending.”
How would you show up if you knew for sure that your movie had a happy ending? Would you be happier? Would you smile more? Would you be more accountable for your part of the breakdown?
Because that’s what I see women do who fight for their marriages and win.
I’d love to hear one way you’ll show up differently today…
14 replies on “4 Steps to Fight for Your Marriage when Separated”
Wow this was everything I’m going through now it is hard but we are getting there I pray about my marriage daily and this separation really is helping my marriage reading is exactly how I felt like things would fall back quickly but it’s taken time THANK YOU
Lisa, I am standing for you and your marriage!
I am currently reading The Empowered Wife and I can clearly see that i have contributed so much in my husband’s avoidance toward me. I filed for divorced and he moved out. Then i canceled the divorce and he doesnt know that. He says is better we are separated for the kids mental health but i truly want my marriage back and i lnow i have alot to change.
Johanna, being separated when that’s not what you want is so painful. Your accountability is attractive. I love your willingness to try a different approach and your desire for transformation. You’re my kind of people! For me, it was really hard to change years of my old habits without support, without a whole tribe of women like you. I would love to get you the community and coaching to make the changes you want. You don’t have to go it alone. I can’t wait to get your marriage back and celebrate with you!
I’m reading the Empowered wife at the moment. I want to use all of these things and also want so desperately to save my marriage and bring my husband home but he has moved in with his Affair Partner for 6 mths and have been kind at each encounter we have. However now he has mentioned Divorce which I told him I don’t want and that I love him. I have had no reply. I try to be happy and my best self however it’s making no difference. I believe he is in MLC this is not him at all. I haven’t seen him treat anybody the way he treats me I’m 27 yrs.
Linda, that sounds so heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. It is so painful when your husband seems unrecognizable. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time!
As the wife, you have enormous power to save your relationship, in my experience. Despite your remarkable commitment, it sounds like something is going missing. I would love to get you some coaching to uncover what.
You can save your marriage! We can help you.
Thank you so much for this blog! From today onward, I will show up as my future self with happiness and intention. I have reeeeeeallllly struggled to get back to my Girl of Fun and Light for the past year, hitting some very low, dark points. I have gotten so much support from you. This is where I have learned how to make my dream marriage even better than I imagined while coming out of a nightmare. Much love and appreciation.
P.S. – I am an LD Relationship Coach in my future vision of my marriage. How I get there from here, who knows, and still, I know it will happen.
Tai, you’re welcome! Thank you for sharing your gratitude and for your beautiful vulnerability. I love your intention.
I also love the possibilitarian in you. You are definitely a future Laura Doyle coach! I can’t wait to see your vision happen.
My husband told me 6months ago that he’s done after 12yrs of marriage. He’s not very good expressing his feelings so I had no idea, why he was done with me. Listening to your book “The Empowered Wife” made me realize that I was controlling and suffocating him and our lives. I want to hold myself accountable for my mistakes and get back to the fun, chill partner I used to be. And I need to learn to be more vulnerable. Thank you for opening my eyes.
Anke, I can imagine how blindsided you must have felt. What a shock it must have been. Yet here you are, with eyes wide open. Your accountability is remarkable–and so attractive. I would love to support you, along with the whole community of Ridiculously Happy Wives, to save your marriage.
I know it can be hard to honor your desires in the midst of separation. Many women on our campus have been surprised that they were able to express their desire to join in a way that inspired their husband, even while separated. I’m standing for you!
After I spent years controlling and micromanaging my husband’s career and complaining about how he didn’t make enough money, he says he fell out of love with me and gave up on our marriage. I’m now trying to respect his point of view rather than crying or trying to convince him to stay. But when I tell him ‘I hear you. And I would love to stay married.’ He asks me ‘what do you want me to do? Stay married even though I don’t love you and be miserable forever?’ I have no idea how to answer that. What do I say?
Jo, OUCH! You shouldn’t have to hear words like that from your man. Especially with your beautiful accountability, respect and vulnerability. I admire your commitment to your marriage and I would love to support you.
Here’s a free Roadmap of 6 simple steps that have helped thousands of women fix their relationships so you can turn this around too. Because you deserve to be adored!
http://lauradoyle.org/rm1o
My husband decided that we were not meant for each other based on some personal letters I sent to him, wanting him to know about some experiences I had when I was younger that shaped who I was.
I don’t understand how he could decide that. We have been married for two years but have been together for nine years. He is my person.
i don’t know what to do
Debbie-Ann, this sounds so heartbreaking. I would have a hard time wrapping my head around that too. I remember reaching a place in my marriage where I couldn’t understand what was happening and didn’t know what to do either. That’s why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women fix their relationships. We can help you too.
I would love to get you some support so you can save your marriage. Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program.