3 Actions to Take if Your Husband Looks at Other Females Online
When you fell in love with your husband, it was partly because he made you feel beautiful, sexy and special. So it can be crushing to find out that he’s still looking at other women online even though he’s with you. It can make you feel undesirable, disappointed and less than.
Even worse, it might also lower your opinion of him. Why would he sink so low to sneak around on the computer and look at sleazy strangers? Is this who you married?
Naturally you just want him to stop looking—for good.
Fortunately, you can restore your confidence, get the respect you deserve, and preserve the passion.
Here are 3 actions to take when your husband looks at other women online:
Contents
1. Ask Yourself “What Am I Afraid Of?”
Here’s an insight that changed my whole life: Whenever I’m tempted to control what my husband does—even if it’s something that seems clear he really shouldn’t do—it’s because I’m afraid.
If I’m not afraid, I don’t have to try to control.
If you find yourself trying to get your husband to stop looking at women online, it’s because you’re afraid of something.
You might wonder if he’s going to go further than just looking or if it’s taking away from the passion you could be enjoying together. Or you might fear something else entirely.
This is why jealousy is so unattractive. It’s always about fear: feeling afraid that he won’t be passionate toward me, that he’ll desire someone else more than me, or that he’ll reject me because of how I look.
Answering the question “What are you afraid of?” is a good start to transforming a painful situation where you feel mistreated and hurt into an empowering one where you feel dignified and confident.
Knowing specifically what you’re afraid of is like shining a light under the bed where the monster lives. Sometimes the monster turns out to be just a sock and a few dust bunnies. My fears can be like that too.
2. Find Your Paper
The corollary to the life-changing realization that all control is based on fear is that whenever I’m trying to control someone else, my own life is heading down the street with no one at the wheel. Every. Single.Time.
My fantasy that if he would just stop looking at other women online then I would be happy is just that—a fantasy.
There’s something much more interesting happening on my paper that I’m avoiding because it’s scary. My paper is where everything I do have control over lives, like my attitude, what I focus on, and all my decisions. Sometimes it seems less scary to just be the armchair quarterback of my husband’s life than to really look at my own paper.
Of course he shouldn’t look at women online. I can feel confident about that, except that…it’s not actually in my control. It’s not on my paper. That’s all on his paper.
So a very interesting question to ask is “What am I afraid of on my paper?” Is it that talk I’m supposed to give but I’m nervous about? Is it that I’m resisting writing a new book? Is it something I did that I probably need to apologize for but I’m not up to being accountable for?
Because I do stuff like that. And I focus on what my husband is doing wrong as a distraction from my own discomfort.
So when you’re feeling upset about your husband looking at women online, it’s interesting to ask yourself what else is going on with you that might need your attention. Because when I give myself the attention I need, the urge to control what my husband is doing or looking at greatly subsides.
3. Drop and Do 10
No, it’s not ten pushups. Isn’t it great there are no pushups involved in the Six Intimacy Skills™? I am a coach, which means I may ask you to try things that feel hard but make you proud afterward, but I’m not big on assigning pushups.
What I’m big on is asking what you’re grateful for about your man. I’m talking about dropping and doing 10 gratitudes for him being in your life.
I know his faults may feel bigger right now while you’re thinking about him looking at other women on the Internet, but you picked him for good reasons. What are those reasons? Can you list 5 of them? Can you get to 10? Or if you’re an overachiever, I invite you to think of 22 things that you’re grateful for about your man. You know who you are.
I know it’s challenging to do this when you’re focused on what he’s doing wrong, and that’s exactly the point. What you focus on increases. You can also focus on what he’s doing right and have a much better experience with your man.
Now that you know exactly how to get the respect AND passion you deserve, which action will you experiment with first?
15 replies on “3 Actions to Take if Your Husband Looks at Other Females Online”
What if I don’t find the 10 things I might be grateful for?
I mean he only revealed his real personality after marriage and there more bad things than those I am grateful for, which means nothing to compensate the bad feeling of him watching other women and sharing their pictures and videoa with his friends, I hate how those women look and I don’t want to look like them, I am way too different but I discovered I am not even my husband’s type so I am deeply wondering why he married me and he apparently likes a different type even before he met me, I asked the question multiple times and he always escapes it and never gives and answer.
Alma, what you’re going though sounds so painful. I can see why it’s hard to find gratitude right now in the midst of heartache. I would feel the same way.
I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time!
As the wife, you have enormous power to fix your relationship, in my experience. But it sounds like there are some other Intimacy Skills to start with in your case, and I would love to find out what. Get coaching so you can stop hurting and start feeling desired, taken care of and confident in your marriage!
Hi Laura
If I feel hurt by my husband’s behavior, isn’t that on my paper? Bc it’s my feelings. How do I differentiate between not looking on his paper and try to control what he does and the feelings on my paper which are caused by his behavior?
Miriam, excellent question. You’re a great student of the Skills! This is the perfect question to bring to a Group Coaching Call, your Circle Community or the monthly call with me, if that fits for you. Looking forward to you getting the clarity you’re seeking and for your question to get the full conversation it deserves.
I found out he was adding commemts like you are ao beautiful, you look amazing. I never get a cimpliment and this angered me. I told him that i didnt like the comments and of course he said it didnt mean anything but why do it? He still looks and likes on fb but no more commemts. Dont know if he will slide back. Still no compliments to me
I like that , the issue is when he is doing that he’s saying the things I could do to her . I know he doesn’t mean it, I just feel I don’t measure up and he wants something better then me .
Cynthia, feeling like you don’t measure up and he wants something better is SO painful. You shouldn’t have to hear such comments from your man!
I remember how painful it was not feeling desired, which is why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships. We can help you too! Get coaching so you can stop wasting time feeling less than or not enough and start feeling desired, cherished and adored!
You can join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here: https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
I love this Laura. I needed to do exactly that tonight when my husband was grumpy with me. It so helped get a lovely hot bath and remind myself of the wonderful things he does for me! You won’t believe it, lol, but the very same husband rang me from the lounge while I was in the bath to apologise for being grumpy.
Wow I think that was the first time!
Robyn, congratulations on creating a culture of mutual accountability in your marriage! I give you all the credit for your unbelievable transformation!
Hmm, it almost sounds like you just completed Relationship Coach Training. Congratulations on that too, Coach Robyn!
Thank you for the good reminders. I’ve gotten things a little out of focus. This helps.
Whew, you’re welcome. You have great awareness and I’m glad this helps!
Sooooo good! Thank you for those reminders and encouragement!
It’s not just “looking”. It’s hard core porn and jerking off. No physical
relationship between us. How would you handle this situation? I have sought counseling but unless he chooses to get help, I am stuck.
Rose, having no physical intimacy is so lonely. And feeling stuck until when and if he chooses to get help sounds painful and scary. I remember feeling the same way, and at my husband’s mercy waiting for him to get help, and it was not empowering. That’s why my coaches and I have helped so many women in the same position.
We can help you too! I’d love to send you some resources and will ask my team to email you a confirmation where you can indicate you want to receive them so you don’t miss anything. I’m standing for you to turn this around, Rose!
This advice is GOLD. It is practical, simple and clear and I can implement it right away in my marriage and in my life! Thank you LD!