When you fell in love with your husband, it was partly because he made you feel beautiful, sexy and special. So it can be crushing to find out that he’s still looking at other women online even though he’s with you. It can make you feel undesirable, disappointed and less than.
Even worse, it might also lower your opinion of him. Why would he sink so low to sneak around on the computer and look at sleazy strangers? Is this who you married?
Naturally you just want him to stop looking—for good.
Fortunately, you can restore your confidence, get the respect you deserve, and preserve the passion.
Here are 3 actions to take when your husband looks at other women online:
1. Ask Yourself “What Am I Afraid Of?”
Here’s an insight that changed my whole life: Whenever I’m tempted to control what my husband does—even if it’s something that seems clear he really shouldn’t do—it’s because I’m afraid.
If I’m not afraid, I don’t have to try to control.
If you find yourself trying to get your husband to stop looking at women online, it’s because you’re afraid of something.
You might wonder if he’s going to go further than just looking or if it’s taking away from the passion you could be enjoying together. Or you might fear something else entirely.
This is why jealousy is so unattractive. It’s always about fear: feeling afraid that he won’t be passionate toward me, that he’ll desire someone else more than me, or that he’ll reject me because of how I look.
Answering the question “What are you afraid of?” is a good start to transforming a painful situation where you feel mistreated and hurt into an empowering one where you feel dignified and confident.
Knowing specifically what you’re afraid of is like shining a light under the bed where the monster lives. Sometimes the monster turns out to be just a sock and a few dust bunnies. My fears can be like that too.
2. Find Your Paper
The corollary to the life-changing realization that all control is based on fear is that whenever I’m trying to control someone else, my own life is heading down the street with no one at the wheel. Every. Single.Time.
My fantasy that if he would just stop looking at other women online then I would be happy is just that—a fantasy.
There’s something much more interesting happening on my paper that I’m avoiding because it’s scary. My paper is where everything I do have control over lives, like my attitude, what I focus on, and all my decisions. Sometimes it seems less scary to just be the armchair quarterback of my husband’s life than to really look at my own paper.
Of course he shouldn’t look at women online. I can feel confident about that, except that…it’s not actually in my control. It’s not on my paper. That’s all on his paper.
So a very interesting question to ask is “What am I afraid of on my paper?” Is it that talk I’m supposed to give but I’m nervous about? Is it that I’m resisting writing a new book? Is it something I did that I probably need to apologize for but I’m not up to being accountable for?
Because I do stuff like that. And I focus on what my husband is doing wrong as a distraction from my own discomfort.
So when you’re feeling upset about your husband looking at women online, it’s interesting to ask yourself what else is going on with you that might need your attention. Because when I give myself the attention I need, the urge to control what my husband is doing or looking at greatly subsides.
3. Drop and Do 10
No, it’s not ten pushups. Isn’t it great there are no pushups involved in the Six Intimacy Skills™? I am a coach, which means I may ask you to try things that feel hard but make you proud afterward, but I’m not big on assigning pushups.
What I’m big on is asking what you’re grateful for about your man. I’m talking about dropping and doing 10 gratitudes for him being in your life.
I know his faults may feel bigger right now while you’re thinking about him looking at other women on the Internet, but you picked him for good reasons. What are those reasons? Can you list 5 of them? Can you get to 10? Or if you’re an overachiever, I invite you to think of 22 things that you’re grateful for about your man. You know who you are.
I know it’s challenging to do this when you’re focused on what he’s doing wrong, and that’s exactly the point. What you focus on increases. You can also focus on what he’s doing right and have a much better experience with your man.
Now that you know exactly how to get the respect AND passion you deserve, which action will you experiment with first?