How To Hold Your Tongue Without Biting it Off!
Empowered Wife Julie
“Have you ever met an attorney that didn’t love to argue? Me neither! Surprisingly, this is not always the best tool to use in a marriage. Even after this realization, I found myself struggling to hold my tongue- without biting it off!” –Julie
When my first marriage ended, it left me crushed. After a few years of damage repair, dating, and personal growth, I met and married my second husband. We were insanely in love and amazingly happy with each other. This marital bliss lasted for a few months, until life started to happen. Before long I began to notice some changes in my husband. What was once my funny, intelligent, passionate boyfriend was now my irritable and touchy husband. What was happening? Where did the passion go?
I found myself pulling out one of Laura’s books to try to help me find the elusive intimacy and passion that I craved. As I began to reread The Surrendered Wife, I also began practicing the Intimacy Skills and reached out for coaching–something that I didn’t do in my first marriage.
The very first–and maybe the biggest–change that I took on was learning how to hold my tongue and, let me tell you, it was not easy! I argue. I am attorney, and I am very good at it. However, I didn’t realize how much I was always trying to be right. I thought that I, as a Southern woman, was quite polite and ladylike when correcting my husband. I might even go so far as to say I was soft and feminine in my corrections. Apparently, this behavior was not nearly as cute, sweet, or helpful as I thought it was.
In the beginning, it felt like the most unnatural thing for me to stay quiet and not try to be right about everything. I felt like a volcano; volatile and bubbling just below the surface and ready to erupt at any given second! But I stayed committed to practicing and giving it my best and it started to get easier. Once I saw that nothing bad was happening when I stopped trying to control, correct or to be right, it was even easier to let go. I started to really listen to what my husband had to say. I also realized that when I took the time to listen, he was right a lot more than I gave him credit for.
I actually found a lot of peace in not having to be right all the time.
Being a good listener is not something that I had been particularly good at in the past. I was always thinking of what I would say next, how to slip in an argument or correction, or how to prove my point. But now I can truly listen to what my husband has to say. I can be more present to what someone is sharing with me and keep the connection and intimacy, not only with my husband but with girlfriends and family too.
My marriage now is everything that I have always dreamt it could be. I feel completely connected, my husband adores me, and I have what I always wanted; a marriage filled with intimacy, passion, and peace. And I haven’t lost my tongue yet!
Laura and I want to help you have the same kind of intimacy, passion and peace in your relationship. To learn how, apply for a Discovery Session here.
23 replies on “How To Hold Your Tongue Without Biting it Off!”
I have read your book “The Empowered Wife” and it has changed my relationship in a huge way. My husband and I now spend time together talking instead of yelling and screaming at each other. I have listened to the book on tape several times, and when I start forgetting I listen again. We are no where near perfect but your book has made a big difference. I have already recommended it to several people, and the surrendered single to my single friends. I bought the hard copy and am working on my desire list. The book has also helped in the relationship between my estranged dad and I. I am having some trouble with my relationship with my mom, but this article reminded me to hold my tongue and that may help. We have been arguing a lot lately and I hate that we are but I feel like I am being rolled over by her opinions. We get along fine as long as I don’t disagree with her, or tell her how I see it. I know that is how I felt about my husband and now that feeling is gone, so I will keep trying. Thank you for all of your help.
Jennifer, Congratulations on creating a peaceful relationship! I admire your courage and accountability. This makes my day! The Intimacy Skills changed my relationship with my mom too, so I bet that’s next.
My husband moved out about 5 weeks ago. I need to get him back in the home so we can repair our marriage. He does not trust me – he believes fervently that I have had MANY affairs and I cannot convince him otherwise. In the past year, however, he has made a “friend” that, I believe, he is infatuated with. He claims he has tried to work on the marriage, but trying and doing are 2 different things. He has checked out emotionally, says that I have shut him down, and yes – I was no angel, but i was also no devil. We have 2 beautiful daughters, and he does not want to move home because he fears that if he has to leave again, it will hurt the girls. He seems leaning more toward divorce, and I am completely devastated. I am very open to changing myself for the better, I have done a lot of work on myself, but I can’t seem to get through to him, and I can’t get him to come back home. He was not open to couples therapy when we went, but he has agreed to go alone, so we are both going individually. I need him to come home so we can work on this, but I can’t convince him to. Please help.
Jen, I’m sorry to hear your family is torn apart right now. Sounds heartbreaking! The good news is that there’s plenty you can do to save your relationship and make it great again, even though I know that sounds hard right now. I’d love to see you get some support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move you can make for your relationship. You’ll find it very valuable. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Read Surrendered Wife a few years ago. It helped look at our marriage in a different way. We became much happier the more I backed and trusted my husband. Like most things I need a refresher, the controlling women in peeking her head out every now and again. I feel the difference and see it. Surrendering is the way to go..
Kim, I can relate to needing a refresher. That’s a big reason I teach the Intimacy Skills! Keeps my marriage very shiny to have a community of women who are committed to making their marriages amazing and be in the conversation with them. Have you seen this?
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Kim, I can relate to needing a refresher to keep my marriage shiny too. That’s why I teach The Intimacy Skills. I love having a community of women who are committed to making their marriages amazing and being in the conversation with them. It helps me be my best self. Have you seen this?
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I truly loved your book and thank you for writing it! I do, however have a few questions….
One question is: I am a very deep and emotional person and I am often hurt by my husband’s lack of sensitivity and self centeredness. It’s not always that he says something mean, it’s his lack of depth and intuitive sensitivity. Therefore saying “ouch” in reply to a slight doesn’t give me the tools to get the sensitivity I need. I have experienced alot of pain in the marriage and the “ouch” tool doesn’t help in most of my circumstances…for example if I give him an amazing present and I get a criticism about it instead of thanks, or he breaks a promise and dismisses the severity of how betrayed I feel, or he ignores me crying in my pillow and just goes to sleep….a simple “ouch” just doesn’t relieve the pain….what do you suggest? Thank you!
Eve, I’m happy to hear my book has been helpful! I see what you mean about still feeling a lot of hurt from your husband’s lack of sensitivity, and that sounds very painful. Things will get better over time as you practice the Intimacy Skills, and I’d love to see you get some support with that. Consider a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and uncover the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I’m am trying to do the intimacy skills. My husband told me the other day that it is now mandatory for everyone to work 12 hour days Fromy 6 am till 6:30 pm. He works only 3 miles from our house so it should not take 30 minutes to get home. I also work close to home, today on my way home I noticed most everyone had already gone home from his job. It looks like he’s not being honest with me. I questioned him about it he was trying to change the subject this really bothers me.
Veeta, Sorry to hear about your situation and feeling like you can’t trust your husband. That sounds very painful. There’s so much you can do to make your marriage great again. I’d love to see you get some support around this. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to uncover the best next move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hello – I have just read “The Empowered Wife” and I am so happy I did! While things are not perfect, they are VASTLY improved. I used to think that apologizing for things when I crossed the line, like criticizing my husband for eating my cinnamon roll, would only affirm that I was in the wrong and make me more at fault. Now, he is thanking me for thinking of him and trying to be a good partner. Tonight he was in a terrible mood and said that having a family before 35 (we have two kids and he is 32) was a big mistake for his career in the start-up world – this would have normally put me in hysterics, but I just said “Ouch” and listened. While it’s a bit rocky because he battles between his decision to have a family and to leave us for a few years to live like a single guy in Silicon Valley, at least I am doing my part to let him know what I want in a positive way.
Kathryn, So happy to hear you’re feeling empowered to create a great relationship with your husband. Sounds like you jumped right in with the Intimacy Skills and you’re already getting sweet results!
Laura,
I have been struggling in a lonely marriage for 4 years… I am married to a self professed work aholic. When he is not working his day job … he comes home & finds projects around the house to consume any little time or energy he has left. It feels like I have barter with him to get any time at all… in other words it feels as if I am his last priority & that he considers spending time with me as if it is a waste of his time. By the time he finally does spend some time with me I feel so hurt… rejected… & resentful that it really doesn’t matter. I don’t know if I can fix it or find the man that once won me over but I know deep down there is nothing I want more! I read your book “first kill all the marriage counselors” & today I working on writing my gratitude list in hopes it changes my attitude. I just wanted to ask u if there is any particular added advice u can give me in regard to dealing with a workaholic? I am just so lonely & sad all the time…I wish I could afford to go to one of your cherished for life weekends but I am in grad school full time & we just don’t have much extra income right now! I am going to try to start applying the six skills of intimacy . However, I am about to be out of town in a few days for 3 weeks visiting my sick father. I am desperate and willing to do anything u suggest! Thanks for caring about the rest of us out here! Loved your book!
Alisha
Thank you, Alisha! I get how hurt and lonely it is to feel like you’re his last priority. I admire your vulnerability and commitment and how in touch you are with your feelings and desires. I know how it feels trying to get your husband to spend time with you–and failing. I also know how thrilling it was when my husband started wanting to be around me more after I began practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills. And, I know the man who wooed you is still in there and that you can find him again too!
I’ll miss meeting you at the upcoming Cherished for Life Weekend and would love a raincheck. I also have a free webinar coming up that I invite you to attend, on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. It will help you jumpstart your surrendering. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
As for your question about applying the Skills with a workaholic husband specifically, check out http://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-is-a-workaholic/
Good morning,
I am intrigued by your book, “First The Empowered Wife”. I am currently in a graduate program to become a social worker and am employed in an agency for my second year of internship. Please get back to me by email or phone as I would be interested in becoming a marriage coach.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Have a wonderful day.
Hannah Horowitz
Hi Laura, I am liking your book so far. I realize that I am doing activities to fill up my social calendar, but I’m not booking any “self care” time. That was a big eye opener, thank you. Been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with talks of “ring shopping” on the table and my only hope is that this book will allow me the skills to re-trust my man after many speed bumps, as there are many times he lets me down and to not be a nag, I will just do it myself (which is the control), or find a clever way to achieve what I need.
Kristin, Congratulations on your pending engagement! So exciting! Sounds like you’re really growing, and your relationship is your mirror, like it was for me.
I am struggling with this one a lot. I read The Surrendered Wife about 6 months ago, put several things into practice (yea! I no longer have to worry about the finances!). I have backslid on the biting my tongue part. I have ADD so it’s much harder to be quiet when you’re dealing with impulse control too. Thank you for writing this! Lol, I’ve gone as far as putting a decal (I make vinyl decals) on my thumbnail when I was doing my nail polish yesterday so I would constantly have a reminder! sul -shut up & listen
Hello! Thank you for writing us. How wonderful to hear that you have relinquished control of your finances! What a freeing feeling that can be. Kudos to you for finding such a creative way to remind yourself to stay silent. There is almost always an opportunity to keep quiet and just listen, however finding the self-control to hold your tongue can be a challenge for any one. Keep up the great work! If you would like further coaching, click here to book your free Discovery Session!
Thanks,
The Laura Doyle Team
Hey, I think I want some of those decals! Do you still make them?
This is incredible. I am willing to give this some thought and try to apply this to my life. Even my youngest child tells me that I don’t stop talking long enough to hear him and he often gives up trying to talk or doesn’t approach me at all. This is a huge wake up call. I needed to be told straight out not only the offending behavior, how to fix it, but some idea that there was a viable positive solution that didn’t just mean me rolling over and playing dead when I already feel invisible to start with. Thank you.
One of the best skills to have is the ability to truly listen to other people. We are so glad to hear that this was an encouraging story for you and are always here at https://lauradoyle.org/ to offer support, encouragement and growth. If you are interested in learning how to not only implement the art of active listening, but teaching it as well, please visit us at https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach.