Self-Care Ideas for Women
I used to think self-care was either a code word for exercise or something indulgent that other women did, like going to the spa all weekend. Who has that kind of time and money?
Still, I knew I should do self-care, and it was on my to-do list, but it never reached the top because there was always something more appealing to do than 30 minutes of cardio. And a spa weekend seemed like too much time and money.
But I was looking at self-care all wrong.
Now I see self-care as deciding to make myself happy, and sometimes that means watching cat videos while sipping tea by the pool. Or listening to my favorite podcast while putting on makeup or singing along in the car with Lady Gaga and Lizzo.
And okay, technically, it is exercise, but playing volleyball makes me feel like a kid during recess.
I also see self-care as essential for having a great marriage.
That’s why whenever a woman tells me that things are tense at home, one of the first things I ask her is, “How’s your self-care?”
Most of the time, she responds that she hasn’t had the time to do much for her own enjoyment lately. That happens to all of us sometimes, but since self-care activities are such a vital part of keeping your relationship healthy and happy, there are four categories of self-care I like to invite her to consider putting at the top of her list.
I invite her to experiment with prioritizing these self-care ideas before we start experimenting with any of the other Intimacy SkillsTM because, without self-care, it’s hard to do any of the other practices.
Contents
1. Spend Time With Girlfriends
Talking with other women fills me up.
Whether it’s discussing our relationships, whatever we’re wrestling with at work, or our experiences that are unique to being a woman, girlfriends who go deep with me give me something I need, like a vitamin.
Okay, I admit that even shallow conversations where we spill whatever we’ve heard about the new neighbors seem to boost me.
If I don’t have time with my girlfriends, I’m not as happy.
So I prioritize time to chat, with the pinnacle of my year being the Relationship Coach Symposium, where I spend three days with dozens of women I’m honored to call my friends. To say I was filled up from being with them is an understatement.
The rest of the time, just a half-hour chat with my bestie or sisters can keep me going strong.
2. Spend Time in Solitude
I just said bonding with my besties is essential, and it is! But I also crave time to myself.
That can bring on guilt because it may mean I say to someone I love, “I need some time alone,” which could sound like I’m rejecting them.
That’s how Shanda felt about telling her husband she wanted to go away for a whole weekend alone. “Why did I even get married then if I like being alone so much?” she worried. But her husband was understanding and sent her off to enjoy her own company for a couple of days.
By the end of her solo weekend, she was rejuvenated and happy to see her man again after missing him.
Win-win!
You might need an hour or a whole week to listen to your thoughts. Only you know for sure how much solo self-care you need. But most women I know need at least some on the regular.
3. Do Creative Self-Expression
Women are creative, even if you think you’re not. It’s part of the way we’re made. We are made to create life, and honoring my creative nature makes me happy, which is the whole point of self-care.
There are so many ways to express yourself creatively, and only you know which ones call to you.
Here are some to try on:
I love to write and sing.
Decorating for the holidays gives me a thrill.
Every so often, I’m excited to cook a special something. (Which reminds me that, luckily, you don’t have to be good at something for it to be self-care.)
How about you?
You may like to paint, play piano, or crochet.
You may love to dance, design clothes, or put togetherstriking outfits.
Photography or videography might call to you.
Doing your hair and makeup in different ways might be your favorite form of self-expression.
Arranging home furnishings, writing songs or movies, or acting could be your passion.
Sewing or arranging flowers could be how you express yourself.
Crafting, baking, or gardening could light you up, and so could doing architecture, woodwork, or furniture restoration.
Mixology might make you swoon. So could hosting parties or embroidering.
Self-expression doesn’t have to save money or the planet or do anything else but put your mark on the world.
No one even has to see it (or taste it!) if you don’t want them to. But going to the open mic with your guitar, using the tablecloth you adorned yourself for a party, or framing your photos for holiday gifts can be satisfying too.
4. Get Remedial Self-Care
If those self-care ideas sound overwhelming, it could be, and often is, that I need remedial self-care like sleep, food, or a break. Now that I’m so aware of the connection between the state of my marriage and my self-care, I don’t let myself get depleted like I used to.
But it can still happen.
Sometimes I work too much or even have too much fun, and the only thing that can set me right is a nap.
And it’s not always a great time to nap, so marching myself to bed in the middle of everything can feel like an act of courage. That’s how important it is.
What is the connection between self-care and a happier relationship? Often when I’m short with my husband, what’s going on is that I’m hungry, tired, or have too much on my plate, or I just haven’t had any fun in a while.
There’s a direct correlation between my self-care activities (or self-care non-activities) and my tolerance for my husband.
One way to benefit from having those reserves is to proactively do at least three daily self-care activities. It could be something as simple as taking time to read, walking, or calling a friend. The point is to do something for yourself every day to nurture your own spirit for frivolous fun.
Just as a flight attendant will instruct you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others, self-care works on the same principle. You can’t give to and take care of others if you aren’t taking care of yourself first.
It sometimes seems counterintuitive–when your kids need your help with something or there’s a big work project due–that the most urgent and vital thing to do next is to watch a cat video, for instance.
Regularly doing your self-care activities goes a long way towards making you more relaxed and all-around happier, which creates less stress and irritability in your relationship.
Instead of fighting about addressing the unexpected plumbing problem, you and your husband can laugh about it.
Instead of feeling irritated by his pile of dirty laundry on the floor, you’re still glowing from your long talk with your sister.
In other words, things have a greater chance of going smoothly when you feel good.
If you’re feeling frazzled, tired, or frustrated with your husband, shifting your focus from whatever drives you crazy to your happiness and rest takes some effort.
But by taking care of yourself, you not only gain a fresh perspective, you are also showing others–like your husband–how to treat you well.
As an added benefit, showing your husband the respect he deserves–even if that’s just your silence while you’re out for a walk– is a great way to let him know it’s ok to step in and help you out with whatever is causing you stress.
19 replies on “Self-Care Ideas for Women”
Hi Laura,
I am currently listening to you book The empowered wife. My husband and I started having problems after our 8 years wedding anniversary about 2 and half months ago when I found out that he was getting close to a woman at work, who was also in a realtionship at that time. He has left the house since than and says he isnt leaving me for another woman but to work on himself when I know he is regularly in contact with her. He said he still loves me but isnt in love with me anymore. I acknowledge my faults in the relationship and really badly want to make this work or turn our relationship into something even better. I love the man. Please help me.
Natasha, I know you just want to be a happy wife, but first, you have to fix your relationship and it feels like it’s falling apart. You shouldn’t have to go through such heartache, especially after nearly a decade of marriage. I still remember how awful it felt when I thought my marriage was hopeless and I didn’t know what to do. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women save their marriages even when there’s separation and another woman.
We can help you too. I can’t wait for you to get some coaching so you can stop feeling afraid and start feeling desired, taken care of and special!
great encouragement and ideas. Thanx! Am not able to connect to the link you gave to Aviva about self care ideas.
Thanks, Nancy! We just updated the link so you can try again. Happy self-care!
What constitutes self care? Is it the modern “manicures massages” and such? Is it cleaning up so that ur happier later? I feel like I don’t know where to start…I would love a list or starting point.
Aviva, this is such a great question! Have you checked out my FREE Roadmap? I can’t wait for you to get started.
Laura
My husband left 3 weeks ago, he said he isn’t in love with me anymore. We had some financial issues years ago, and other things that he said bothered him. I love him and desparately want to save my marriage. He isn’t communicating much. I acknowledge my mistakes in our marriage and see ways to improve us and make things even better than before. Please give me guidance.
Nicole, that sounds so heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. You shouldn’t have to hear words like that from your man. I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time! I’ll email you about how to get the Connection Framework so you too can feel desired, taken care of and special.
Hi Laura,
I wanted to ask about how to do self care when you have a baby and not much money. My husband keeps losing jobs due to his depression. While I have handed over the financial reins, he can’t give me money for a spending plan as there is no money! I am trying to factor in your advice to make self care a priority in order to give him the space and respect he needs.
However with no money and a small baby, it’s hard to carve out time or have the financial ability to do things that I like. I have made my lists and everything seems to depend on having child care or having more money than I currently do.
Do you have any suggestions?
Anne770, That is definitely a tough spot you’re in, but I so admire that you’re trusting him with finances and getting creative about your self-care! One thought I had is that you may be able to leave the baby with your husband. Another idea is to find another mom with a baby and trade off giving each other free childcare. Even on a day where you’re with your baby all day, it may be taking a walk or a jog together, maybe to a nature spot. Nap when baby naps instead of cleaning. You’re asking a great question and I bet you’ll come up with even better ideas than these. It’s challenging, but you can do it and your family depends on you to be happy, so kudos for making that a priority!
Thanks for your response and good suggestions. I actually tried out the childcare exchange with a friend and it worked great. Got a whole morning to myself.
Thanks again!
Heather, I love your idea! I used to love to color with my kids. Simple and definitely something I can do with a little time. 😉
I bought myself a grown-ups colouring in book. It is so relaxing just colouring in. A $10 book will provide me hours and hours of self care time.
I found making a self care list difficult, now it is much easier for me to add to it. And yes, I do need to revise the list regularly.
Laura, Over four years ago your “Surrendered Wives” changed my marriage. I will be married 25 years in March. I am now reading The Empowered Wife” and realize I still have a long way to go. As for 3 self care tasks a day, I am struggling greatly, even coming up with 20 is very hard. You see, I take care of others, in my work and home. I take care of my grandson at 5am three days a week and drop him off at the sitter before I work a 9 hour day. I then have him 8 hours sat/sun- I love him dearly and do not want to change this. I also care for my I’ll mother ,often at her home until after 9pm. With this schedule, I am fried when it comes to me time. I have done 3 a day while I have been on vacation and those says were wonderful and my husband smiled a lot at me. I found myself talking excitedly to him when he came home,I am usually pretty quiet. He seemed to enjoy hearing I was happy. Any ideas when many times I just want to sleep?
Maria, I hear you–sounds like a lot! Is there any way you can get some help with your grandson and your mom so you can carve out some time for you?
At this time no, my mom has special needs that only I can do, my siblings do help some. As for my grandson, I don’t trust anyone else, he is only 8 months old. I know I get myself into more than I can do and need to say no. Many years ago my husband said I was an island, I now see why. I will continue to try to focus on me.
Jill, I am learning everyday how important self care is for the health of my relationship except because my spouse and I work together, sometimes i am prevented from being able to do 3 things per day because he will demand i do things that literally take me all day and night to do. But you are spot on about self care, it’s just a lot harder to do for some of us especially if our spouses are more demanding and interfere with our attempts. I was thinking i could probably do 1 or 2 self care things max per day (most of the time) on top of the demands I am receiving from my hubby. How do we do 3 self care items if our spouse doesn’t allow it or interferes? When I use the “I cant” it generally leads to an argument or my husband demanding i do what he says. Sometimes he will throw a fit to ensure I do what he says.
Jill! Nice to hear from you. I totally hear you about feeling like your husband will have a fit if you say, “I can’t,” and yet not being able to do self-care if you don’t. Quite a conundrum. However, for me, my husband’s “fit” would be on his paper–not mine. Sometimes husbands try to drag us into arguments, and I know it’s frustrating when that happens. But if I keep my side of the street clean using The Intimacy Skills, then I get to honor my own limits, keep my dignity and I don’t owe an apology later. Just as I wouldn’t negotiate with a child who was throwing a fit, I wouldn’t do what my husband was asking or insisting on because I’d be teaching him that’s how I like to be treated. You only have to do it a few times before they realize that’s the new deal. Right now, you’re doing an old dance that it sounds like you’re tired of. I don’t blame you! You’re the one who has the power to change the steps. Good for you for putting self-care first! Excellent!
Laura, this is so helpful.