Myths About Marriage

By

Laura Doyle

By Laura Doyle

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Laura Doyle is a New York Times Bestselling Author, Relationship Expert, Host of The Empowered Wife Podcast at Laura Doyle Connect.

| Updated: 12/20/2023

When my marriage was miserable, I was always looking for clues about how to fix it.

I desperately wanted to find some key information that I could use to stop my husband from being the biggest loser-pants on the planet.

And in a way, that’s what happened. Sorta.

I finally found the right information, and it did help my husband respond to me in a much better way. Like a completely different guy–the awesome guy I married.

Turns out I was mistaken about that “biggest loser-pants” part, and when I realized that, he couldn’t do enough to make me happy.

But along the way, I learned these thoroughly unhelpful marriage myths.

When I didn’t know what I didn’t know, I thought these myths were the holy grail. But mostly, I ended up chasing my tail around for a while–and further insulting my husband, and sometimes his parents–all in the name of working on our relationship.

It all made me depressed because nothing was working.

So to this day, it still makes me want to punch someone in the nose to see one of the myths that kept me stuck and made me feel completely hopeless.

These myths are the worst, because they seem kind of reasonable and true-ish.

But they’re not. They’re absurd, and should be run over with the car.

Here are the five most silly, stupid, ridicule-worthy myths about relationships–and what I now know is the key to having your husband want to give you his attention and affection, and trip over himself to make you smile.

1. Your Marriage Problems Stem from Unresolved Childhood Issues

Oh boy, was I ever hooked into this goofy, ridiculous myth. Just thinking about it still makes me want to scream and push the table over.

The theory goes like this: The reason you’re having relationship problems now is because in childhood, something messed you up and you’re still acting it out.

Your mother-in-law was enmeshed with her son, and now that’s why he’s emotionally unavailable. Or, you never felt like you could get your father’s love, and you married someone who doesn’t pay attention to you because it’s familiar.

So if your parents made any mistakes with you or him, you’re pretty much doomed.

Forever.

And–let’s not forget–ever.

Let’s apply this theory to something else, like, say, getting a job.

Picture a 17-year-old who is trying to get his first job and not succeeding. You probably wouldn’t say, “Let’s go back to when you were eight and talk about what happened that’s blocking you from getting a job.”

More likely, you would try to give that kid skills–like how to make a resume, how to get in front of potential employers, and how to interview well.

The same is true with relationships. You need a few Intimacy Skills to be successful, and that’s just a matter of training. Just like driving a car, just like making an omelet, just like using accounting software.

You just need to learn how. That’s all.

Good news: You’re not hopelessly broken, and neither is he. But if things are rough at your house, consider getting some training on how to have a playful, passionate relationship.

2. Your Problem is that Your Partner Is Passive Aggressive

Here’s the myth of the passive aggressive partner: You notice your guy is mad at you, but you don’t know why because he doesn’t say. But he’s cranky or stubborn, and you know it’s about you.

That’s how you know he’s passive aggressive.

What makes me nuts about this particular myth is that it requires mind-reading.

Otherwise, how can you KNOW that someone is angry at you unless they say, “I’m mad at you for eating the last piece of lasagna.”

You might notice that he seems short or snippy, or that he’s snarling at you, sure.

But how can you know he’s mad at you unless he either tells you or…you make it up?

And how would it serve you to make up that he’s mad at you just because he’s cranky? Maybe he’s been stuck in traffic, or he’s hungry, or he just quit smoking.

One woman was sure her boyfriend was mad at her when he told her that he bought her an expensive drink at the bar. She assumed he was passive-aggressively telling her she should pay him back, but when she offered he looked startled.

“No, I bought it for you!” he told her, offended that she was rejecting his gift.

Turns out, he just wanted her to know he bought her the good stuff.

Good news: Your relationship will benefit when you stop trying to read minds.

No need to figure out what’s up: He knows how to talk and will tell you if something is wrong. Until then, nothing’s wrong. Nothing!

3. Your Problem is He Won’t Open Up About His Feelings

This myth says that in order to be close and feel soul matey, your husband or boyfriend has to open up about how he really feels.

This, I once believed, was the path to true connection.

Of course, when I started asking my husband questions about how he felt, what I really wanted to know was, “How do you feel about me? Do you love me a lot? Like really, really, really? Also, what do you love about me the most?”

But I didn’t ask him that. Instead of being vulnerable, I put on my junior therapist hat and said things like, “How did you feel as a child when your dad was angry?”

Funny thing–my husband wasn’t interested in talking about that. And he never mentioned what he thought about me as a result of those kinds of questions.

Men don’t even like to talk about their feelings. It’s uncomfortable. So now I don’t ask.

The University of Toronto did a study where they found out–and I hope you’re sitting down for this–that women are more emotional than men.

So that was research money well-spent, right?

But listen, it means that women are emotionally brilliant. That means it’s our job to talk about how WE are feeling–not try to get them to talk about how they’re feeling.

Good news: When you bring your authentic feelings to the relationship (instead of asking about his), especially the vulnerable, connecting ones, you’ll be on the fast track to having emotional intimacy.

4. Your Problem is That You Need to Set Boundaries

This myth says that in order to have a healthy romantic relationship, you have to have appropriate boundaries–just like a country.

The problem is that this only seems like a good idea when you’re feeling hurt and angry with your man. And at that point the “boundaries” come out like, “Fine! You can make your own dinner then!”

Or, boundaries are about setting up the rules always and forever, like, “From now on, I will not be including your pants when I do the laundry because you left a pen in your pocket.”

In other words, they’re not so much about saying here’s where I end and you begin–they’re more like not-so-subtle ways to tell him he should go to hell.

They’re not that great for intimacy, in my experience. That kind of boundary will leave you lonely.

Acknowledging you’re at your limit on energy or patience, on the other hand–as in, “I can’t do anymore laundry tonight, I’m going to bed,” or, “I can’t make dinner tonight,” can be very conducive to intimacy.

Good news: Of course, as a mere mortal woman, you’re going to have limits to your energy and how long you can go without chocolate, for example, and it’s always a good idea to acknowledge those limits.

But vulnerability is going to serve the intimacy far more than telling him where to stick it when you’re hurt or angry.

5. Your Problem is That You’ve Grown Apart

This was one of my favorite myths because I believed it explained how I could have married so far below me, when I thought my husband was a loser-pants.

It was simple: I grew and he didn’t. We’d grown apart.

But looking back, I just had a superiority complex.

I thought I was much more spiritually evolved than he was…which was not very spiritually evolved of me.

This myth says that you have to have certain things in common to stay connected, but that’s just not so.

I like to play volleyball. My husband doesn’t. He likes to run marathons. I don’t.

On Saturday mornings, he runs and I play volleyball. And we’re both happy and have something fun to share about when we reconvene afterward.

Good news: The only thing you need to have in common to have a great relationship is each other.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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