Myths About Marriage
When my marriage was miserable, I was always looking for clues about how to fix it.
I desperately wanted to find some key information that I could use to stop my husband from being the biggest loser-pants on the planet.
And in a way, that’s what happened. Sorta.
I finally found the right information, and it did help my husband respond to me in a much better way. Like a completely different guy–the awesome guy I married.
Turns out I was mistaken about that “biggest loser-pants” part, and when I realized that, he couldn’t do enough to make me happy.
But along the way, I learned these thoroughly unhelpful marriage myths.
When I didn’t know what I didn’t know, I thought these myths were the holy grail. But mostly, I ended up chasing my tail around for a while–and further insulting my husband, and sometimes his parents–all in the name of working on our relationship.
It all made me depressed because nothing was working.
So to this day, it still makes me want to punch someone in the nose to see one of the myths that kept me stuck and made me feel completely hopeless.
These myths are the worst, because they seem kind of reasonable and true-ish.
But they’re not. They’re absurd, and should be run over with the car.
Here are the five most silly, stupid, ridicule-worthy myths about relationships–and what I now know is the key to having your husband want to give you his attention and affection, and trip over himself to make you smile.
Contents
1. Your Marriage Problems Stem from Unresolved Childhood Issues
Oh boy, was I ever hooked into this goofy, ridiculous myth. Just thinking about it still makes me want to scream and push the table over.
The theory goes like this: The reason you’re having relationship problems now is because in childhood, something messed you up and you’re still acting it out.
Your mother-in-law was enmeshed with her son, and now that’s why he’s emotionally unavailable. Or, you never felt like you could get your father’s love, and you married someone who doesn’t pay attention to you because it’s familiar.
So if your parents made any mistakes with you or him, you’re pretty much doomed.
Forever.
And–let’s not forget–ever.
Let’s apply this theory to something else, like, say, getting a job.
Picture a 17-year-old who is trying to get his first job and not succeeding. You probably wouldn’t say, “Let’s go back to when you were eight and talk about what happened that’s blocking you from getting a job.”
More likely, you would try to give that kid skills–like how to make a resume, how to get in front of potential employers, and how to interview well.
The same is true with relationships. You need a few Intimacy Skills to be successful, and that’s just a matter of training. Just like driving a car, just like making an omelet, just like using accounting software.
You just need to learn how. That’s all.
Good news: You’re not hopelessly broken, and neither is he. But if things are rough at your house, consider getting some training on how to have a playful, passionate relationship.
2. Your Problem is that Your Partner Is Passive Aggressive
Here’s the myth of the passive aggressive partner: You notice your guy is mad at you, but you don’t know why because he doesn’t say. But he’s cranky or stubborn, and you know it’s about you.
That’s how you know he’s passive aggressive.
What makes me nuts about this particular myth is that it requires mind-reading.
Otherwise, how can you KNOW that someone is angry at you unless they say, “I’m mad at you for eating the last piece of lasagna.”
You might notice that he seems short or snippy, or that he’s snarling at you, sure.
But how can you know he’s mad at you unless he either tells you or…you make it up?
And how would it serve you to make up that he’s mad at you just because he’s cranky? Maybe he’s been stuck in traffic, or he’s hungry, or he just quit smoking.
One woman was sure her boyfriend was mad at her when he told her that he bought her an expensive drink at the bar. She assumed he was passive-aggressively telling her she should pay him back, but when she offered he looked startled.
“No, I bought it for you!” he told her, offended that she was rejecting his gift.
Turns out, he just wanted her to know he bought her the good stuff.
Good news: Your relationship will benefit when you stop trying to read minds.
No need to figure out what’s up: He knows how to talk and will tell you if something is wrong. Until then, nothing’s wrong. Nothing!
3. Your Problem is He Won’t Open Up About His Feelings
This myth says that in order to be close and feel soul matey, your husband or boyfriend has to open up about how he really feels.
This, I once believed, was the path to true connection.
Of course, when I started asking my husband questions about how he felt, what I really wanted to know was, “How do you feel about me? Do you love me a lot? Like really, really, really? Also, what do you love about me the most?”
But I didn’t ask him that. Instead of being vulnerable, I put on my junior therapist hat and said things like, “How did you feel as a child when your dad was angry?”
Funny thing–my husband wasn’t interested in talking about that. And he never mentioned what he thought about me as a result of those kinds of questions.
Men don’t even like to talk about their feelings. It’s uncomfortable. So now I don’t ask.
The University of Toronto did a study where they found out–and I hope you’re sitting down for this–that women are more emotional than men.
So that was research money well-spent, right?
But listen, it means that women are emotionally brilliant. That means it’s our job to talk about how WE are feeling–not try to get them to talk about how they’re feeling.
Good news: When you bring your authentic feelings to the relationship (instead of asking about his), especially the vulnerable, connecting ones, you’ll be on the fast track to having emotional intimacy.
4. Your Problem is That You Need to Set Boundaries
This myth says that in order to have a healthy romantic relationship, you have to have appropriate boundaries–just like a country.
The problem is that this only seems like a good idea when you’re feeling hurt and angry with your man. And at that point the “boundaries” come out like, “Fine! You can make your own dinner then!”
Or, boundaries are about setting up the rules always and forever, like, “From now on, I will not be including your pants when I do the laundry because you left a pen in your pocket.”
In other words, they’re not so much about saying here’s where I end and you begin–they’re more like not-so-subtle ways to tell him he should go to hell.
They’re not that great for intimacy, in my experience. That kind of boundary will leave you lonely.
Acknowledging you’re at your limit on energy or patience, on the other hand–as in, “I can’t do anymore laundry tonight, I’m going to bed,” or, “I can’t make dinner tonight,” can be very conducive to intimacy.
Good news: Of course, as a mere mortal woman, you’re going to have limits to your energy and how long you can go without chocolate, for example, and it’s always a good idea to acknowledge those limits.
But vulnerability is going to serve the intimacy far more than telling him where to stick it when you’re hurt or angry.
5. Your Problem is That You’ve Grown Apart
This was one of my favorite myths because I believed it explained how I could have married so far below me, when I thought my husband was a loser-pants.
It was simple: I grew and he didn’t. We’d grown apart.
But looking back, I just had a superiority complex.
I thought I was much more spiritually evolved than he was…which was not very spiritually evolved of me.
This myth says that you have to have certain things in common to stay connected, but that’s just not so.
I thought I was much more spiritually evolved than he was…which was not very spiritually evolved of me. Click To TweetI like to play volleyball. My husband doesn’t. He likes to run marathons. I don’t.
On Saturday mornings, he runs and I play volleyball. And we’re both happy and have something fun to share about when we reconvene afterward.
Good news: The only thing you need to have in common to have a great relationship is each other.
26 replies on “Myths About Marriage”
Your emails are always insightful. You really are on the mark, and your books have helped me in my marriage. My marriage is so awesome now.
I think the biggest lie I used to tell myself; I would have to drop him if I wanted to reach my full potential. I started to think our 3 kids would be better off too. I was so bitter.
Now and for the past couple of years I finally have true peace. I’m vulnerable now in addition to so much more.
Thank you!
So great to hear, Rebekah! Congratulations!
Thank you for your inste and weekly emails When i see one Im inspired to not fall back into old habits and wsys of thinking! I remember reading your book and Im refreshed in my commutment to my 21 yesr marriage!
I would love a weekly podcast!
Have you seen Laura’s new podcast? It’s the best!
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your books and now emails! They have changed my life.
We’re having date night tonight, and I told myself, “quickly go read Laura’s email so you’ll be refreshed on the info before you go out!”
Thank you for saving my marriage and my home.
Hello Laura, my name is Lisa and I was wondering if you could give me some insight on my marriage issues. I just found out we are having our 3rd child and I will be 42 when I have the baby. I have been very sick for the past two weeks and all my husband and I do is fight. His grandmother passed away about 7 years ago, (he thought of her as his mother.) But right after she died my husband checked out on my 2 boys and I, all he did was go to work and come home and eat and sleep. That went on for about 5 years. The last two years he has been trying to come around but it’s off and on. I have alot of resentment and anger towards him. What can I do to help him and I get back to where we were years ago? How do I get over all my issues with him to move on? Plus he does not have a relationship with our 10, and 8 year old sons. Any insight will be helpful, if anybody could give me some advice that would be great.
Thanks Lisa
Lisa, That sounds like a very lonely 7 years. I can see why you’re resentful and angry. It sounds like it’s been a struggle!
Given that you’re adding to your family and already have two little boys, there’s a lot at stake here. It may not seem like it right now, but I see the ingredients here for a connected marriage and happy family. I suggest you consider a discovery call to uncover the best move you could make for your relationship and to give yourself some relief from the pain of this struggle. Let’s get you some attention and affection!
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I want to thank you Laura. I read your book back in September when I had got perilously close to ending my marriage. It was like reading my autobiography. I am still a long way off practising the intimacy skills as much as I need to, but you literally saved my marriage. Thank you so much.
Lucy, Hooray! Congratulations. I admire your courage.
I can try all your tips all I like however my husband still hardly works and we are so broke I feel sick, nothing I do makes him want to provide for us. All he’s interested in doing is playing a computer game, drinking beer and smoking.
Bernadette, sorry to hear you’re feeling sick and broke! I can relate to feeling that way too in the bad old days. You have more power than you think and right now you’re bringing a lot of intense focus to his faults, not his gifts. Have you read The Empowered Wife or The Surrendered Wife? If not, they will change your life.
Hello Laura, my name is Susan. I don’t know how to fix what is wrong with my marriage. 20 years of doing it wrong? After a HUGE, and I mean HUGE blow up at the first of the year, he seemed to finally accept his part of the problems we had been having, and, while life continues to throw us these ridiculous curve balls, we have had a good run, until last week.
To summarize, for 16 of the 20 years we have been together, he has convinced himself that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me because my libido was no where near where his was. I lost my sex drive after I had our son. I have tried steroid shots, birth control to level out my hormones, otc supplements, the list goes on and on. Nothing worked. I think a lot of it had to do with how he was when he lost his temper. In addition to that argument, I did have a tendency to stick my head in the sand when it came to us. If I ignored it, whatever “it” was would go away. He was tired of always taking the lead. Why didn’t I ever initiate anything. Not just sex, but anything, activities, vacations, dinners, whatever. Now, I will tell you his family is really good at tearing you down verbally when they are mad. They will come up with the most painful thing they can think of and let it fly. After experiencing that a few times, I stopped letting my words fly like that. They can cause irreparable damage once they are unleashed. There was never any physical abuse, thank God for that. Even when I would work really hard on being a better wife, meeting his needs, he would always find something to complain about. There was always something I wasn’t getting right. A lot of the time it had to do with my lack of follow through. It would be great for a couple of weeks, but then I would start to slide backwards. Another peek into our history is his lack of ability to “deal with life on life’s terms” He self medicates to keep his bipolar depression under control(FAIL)! He is fine as long as everything goes his way and he is in total control. The minute things start slipping out of line, things start getting tense again. My mom and I cracked jokes with each other for years about me being the strong, stable one in the relationship. After she passed in 2009, my dad would tell me the same thing. Heck, even his mom told me that. In 2015, we lost my dad in February and his mother in October. Now, we are losing his father to dementia/early onset Alzheimer’s. Talk about some tension…
Now, please don’t misunderstand-I absolutely know I have faults in here, too. I just don’t know if we can get to a point where we can start over.
Susan, What you describe sounds really painful and exhausting. I can see why you’re wondering if there’s any hope! I still remember when I felt that way in my marriage and it was awful. The good news is that from what you describe, everything can be put right in your marriage again. You’re making some of the same mistakes I was making and once you get the right information it’s going to seem sooooo much easier to be married! I encourage you to read the book, The Empowered Wife for a step-by-step description of The Six Intimacy Skills, which will help you make improvements quickly. You can read a chapter for free here:
http://getcherished.com/
Hi Laura I love your book! I just don’t understand how I am supposed to respond when he’s being angry and irritable. I didn’t understandthat in your book. Do I just ignore it?
Wow thank you Laura, this is going to change a lot of things for me in my marriage. I have believed in especially myths 1 and 5. I cant thank you enough, this is very enlightening.
Laura, Thank you thank you. You saved may marriage.Two years ago I stumbled upon your book. “First kill all marriage counsellers.” I thought it was a humerous novel and it would help me to laugh as I put in place the steps to leave my husband of 17 years. The two most important things that I need to pay attention to,are self care and offering helpful advice and correction. I am bad at the first and really really good at the second. These were the two things that I concentrated on at the beginning. Do you know within in 24 hrs there was improvement. They are both so liberating for me and for my husband. Thank you so much again, you are a God send.
Laura, I do not agree with marriage myths # 1 & 4 in this posting. All of my foolish reactions & initiatives in my marriage have been directly motivated by my childhood self-protections. I am glad to be free of many of them. If any new ones appear before me, I promise not to bring them into this forum. re: # 4, it is my understanding that boundaries are not for me to place on another. They are about my accountability for my own choices: ie: not taking care of my spouse’s things or not respecting his capacity to do so.
I look forward to hearing healthy challenges to grow us together in the first place… after 46.5 years of marriage!
The changes were so fast I keep thinking it’s a cover up on his part. 🙂
Why is he being nice? He’s so cheery he must be hiding something..
how do I rid these thoughts? How do I let myself go?
I wish I had read that part about asking him about his feelings a little sooner. I made the mistake last night of trying to get inside his head, lol..it didn’t go well. I felt like he just talked circles around my questions, and just left me as empty and unsure as before the questions were asked.
Good morning Laura! I’ve been married 14 years now and am feeling ready to split from my husband. He had an emotional affair that almost became physical. I found out about this Aug. 2017. I felt he really worked hard to show me he wanted to be with me and loved me for about three weeks after I found out, and then all effort seemed to stop. We’ve been going to counseling since about a month before I found out about the other woman. It’s been a little over a 1 1/2 since I found out and I am having the hardest time forgiving him because I don’t feel he cares much about me. I told him what I needed to feel loved by him (some/any kind of physical attention), and told him what things were triggers for me. He doesn’t do any of the things that help me feel loved (we haven’t had sex in months, and he barely kisses me or talks to me…no hugs ever), and he totally disregards my feelings and what are triggers for me. I feel so neglected, rejected, and unloved. It hurts so much. He kind of told me what he needed and I’ve tried hard to do those things. I’m not perfect, but have done SO much better than I used to.
The other thing is that I still have another woman in our marriage. His mom lives with us. We lived with her when we first got married, had a few years alone when we moved away…a friend lived w/ us for 6 months in between…and then his mother moved in with us about 8 years ago. She was recently demeaning and rude telling me I don’t even know how to take care of my own house (by the way, I did it w/out her for 8 months while our house was selling when we moved about 2 1/2 yrs ago so that’s BS). I want her out of my house and for it to be just me and my husband so badly, but he doesn’t want to have her move out. His “compromise” is that she live in a separate basement apartment in our house, but I feel that this won’t help because she’ll still be right there. I feel like I’ve compromised enough by allowing his mother to live with us for so long already. **By the way, she’s totally capable of living on her own, doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t watch out 3 kids, but does help with cooking & cleaning the house. ** I told him that I need his mom to move out so we can work on us and rely on each other alone and that I’m going to have to move out if this isn’t going to happen. He says “do what you need to”…WHAT??!! This totally feels like he’s choosing his mom over his wife. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve tried really hard in the last 2 years to improve myself, show him love, spend time on me and find myself again…find my joy. I did take your advice yesterday and apologized for disrespecting him for something w/out giving any reasons why and it seemed to help. He thanked me and apologized for some of his behavior. The whole day was good. Obviously I still care and am looking for help since I found you, but I still feel like we may be better off as just friends and not as a married couple. It’s scary though. It’s been 14 years, 3 kids, and many trials throughout that time. Please help me.
Laura, I appreciate your 5 myths. I certainly saw my little self doing some of those things.
Thank you. ??
Thank you!!! Wow, of course, these are myths. It seems so obvious when you put it like this. I’m so lucky I found your blog!!
Laura this is great. You have saved my marriage through this Corona virus. If i did not use your skills i would have had at least a daily fight being home. Instead we are enjoying being home. And I gain so much from this method and see ho great he is. Ty
Hey Laura,
I cant stop laughing at the myths coz I used to believe in each of them and spend all my time ‘figuring out’ how I can change things w.r.t them.
I recently read your book, The Surrendered Wife, and boy I have brand new glasses to perceive my marriage to start off.
Do you have any inputs about handling in laws. The husband is very close to them but my MIL is nosy and controlling, gossips a lot. How can I have a better relationship with them, or atleast ensure that my relationship with my husband is not compromised coz of my relationship with them.
Thanks much!
Bhagyashree
Hi Laura,
Not that anything is wrong with it, but I think I am the only Male following your Newsletter and posts! ?. I joined about 2 weeks ago to try and get some advice on saving my marriage. It is helping me, however, my wife is always preoccupied with others in her family, and I feel like I’m on a solo mission. She has placed all the problems in our marriage on my shoulders and has given me the ultimatum. Not sure how to proceed from here?
Oh my gosh!! That’s exactly what I thouht!! All 5!!! Uhg!!