My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me
One of the most common problems I hear from wives is, “My husband is not attracted to me anymore.”
It’s always heartbreaking because I remember how lousy that felt.
Like me, these women usually think the problem is either that she married the wrong guy or that her weight, her age, or her post-baby body has made her less beautiful.
And it’s painful to think you don’t look good enough to get a pat on the butt or bedroom eyes anymore.
But how she looks is simply not the issue. Nor is it that she married the wrong guy.
Those weren’t the problems in my marriage when my husband was acting repulsed instead of attracted to me.
Something else entirely was going on, and it was a huge relief to finally discover it and get those butt pats and bedroom eyes back.
The problem was actually pretty simple to fix and had so many other benefits for me.
Here’s what I did that got my husband to be ridiculously attracted to me again…
Contents
1) I Stopped Acting Like His Mother
As you already know, men are not sexually attracted to their mothers. And they aren’t sexually attracted to women (even supermodels!) who act like their mothers, either.
Unfortunately, that was exactly who I had unwittingly become in the early years of our marriage: his mom.
I didn’t think it was so bad to buy his underwear or remind him not to forget his wallet or tell him that he was watching too much TV or that it was time to get some chores done.
It seemed fine to me—helpful, actually.
I even joked with friends about it, making comments like, “I have one child. He’s 37.”
I didn’t see anything wrong with that because I knew lots of other women who were the same way.
As I kvetched with my friends, we all agreed that we had to treat our husbands like children because they acted like children.
One friend told me how she had to inform her husband that there was a big building near their house where he could buy food. “It’s called a grocery store,” she told him.
Another one had to tell her husband when it was time to get a haircut. She said she had to “lay down the law” about it.
Still another made all of her husband’s doctor and dentist appointments, and woke him up to go to work—like a human alarm clock.
So I figured taking care of my husband was just part of being a wife.
But it wasn’t long before he seemed to be avoiding me. And that really hurt.
I felt lonely and rejected.
In some ways, I wasn’t very attracted to him either––just as mothers aren’t sexually attracted to their sons.
I was also resentful about having to do everything for him. I wondered why he couldn’t be more helpful.
2) I Became His Lover Again
Besides assuming I wasn’t physically attractive, I also figured he had changed.
But looking back now, I can see that I didn’t act like his mom when we were dating.
Back in those glory days, I was flirting, laughing at his jokes, smiling at him, thanking him for taking me out, and admiring him.
And he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.
So maybe he wasn’t the one who changed.
I hadn’t realized that acting like his mother and being his lover were mutually exclusive, but now I know that they are.
3) I Got Out of His Way and Decided to Trust Him
Even with this realization, I couldn’t figure out how to resign from my maternal role in our marriage, even though I had volunteered for it.
I thought that if I stopped being responsible for everything he would have holey underwear, never go to the doctor, watch too much TV, and let the trash pile up endlessly.
But I chose to experiment anyway because I was so exhausted and lonely.
He is a grown man, totally capable at work, so I had to believe there was a possibility that he could manage the things I’d taken over––even though it didn’t seem like it to me at the time.
So I decided I wouldn’t do anything for him that he could do for himself.
Sure enough, that’s when my husband stepped up and took care of business like the grown man he is.
Only, he didn’t do it the way I would have done things.
I was tempted to tell him why my way was better, but when I did, that just got me back into the dreaded mom role.
What I really wanted was to be his lover again.
So I stopped doing things for him and teaching him how to do them. I treated him like he didn’t need any help.
And a funny thing happened. He started to pat my butt again and make bedroom eyes at me.
Now that I don’t mother my husband anymore, he’s back to stealing a kiss whenever he can. He’s attracted to me again.
It’s not just me. Thousands of women who have decided they’d rather be their husband’s lover than his mother have had the same experience of the passion coming back and being as hot as ever.
Do you find yourself tempted to mother your husband? Is it worth the cost?
What are you doing for him that he could be doing for himself? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
129 replies on “My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me”
I have been using the 6 skills for about 2 months. The bickering has stopped and kindness has returned. BUT husband still will not be intimate with me and continues to sleep in another room. I know that he is still masterbating to porn at least twice a week. I am smiley, open, hell I have even tried walking around naked. After holding in all my emotions all day, I cry myself to sleep. This can’t be healthy. I’ve been vulnerable and told him I miss him physically and that I would love to share a bed again. He just said that sleep apnea was the reason. Doesn’t explain not wanting me. This pain is so unbearable. Not sure what to do next.
Jacquelyn, that does sound unbearable, and so heartbreaking. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. You should not have to cry yourself to sleep or hold in your emotions. I remember how lonely and scary I felt when my husband didn’t appear to want me. That’s why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women single-handedly fix their relationships. I would love to get you some support to turn this around. I invite you to join the Waitlist for group coaching right here: lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist
Hi lura
As a yong 28 year old husband i relate to that problem from the opposite side,
I really appreciate and respect my wife for being so caring and nise but I never really felt sexually attracted to her from dat one (long story why we got married) and we’re struggling with this for 4 years straight, is there a possibility to find my wife emotional and sexual attractive even i never felt it before?
She was acting like a mother but in the other hand going out with her on a date night its not changing my feelings towards her im really hopeless, i love and i respect my wife, but this attraction problem is a make-it-or-brake-it problem please help
Robert, that sounds so hard. It’s so sad to feel hopeless. I’m glad you reached out so you CAN create the attraction you want.
While we work exclusively with women, here’s a post for men that can help.
My husband told me it’s the weight gain and that he’s not attached to me because I’ve gained weight; even though he’s gained and lost weight too. He said his problem with me is I’m not eating right or going to the gym and that I’m okay with being overweight and I just keep getting bigger . Where is the blog post for this? What do I say to this? What am i yo do with this information?
Lovie, ouch! You shouldn’t have to hear words like that from your man. That’s not right. I remember the days of feeling hurt and lost about what was missing in my marriage and how to fix it, which is why my coaches have helped thousands of women fix their relationships. I’d love to get you the tools to turn this around. Here’s a free Roadmap for you: lauradoyle.org/rm1o
My husband of 32 yrs told me he’s no longer very physically attracted to me because I gained weight. I went from a size 4 to a 8. He said there’s too much when having sex, it gets in the way. I was blindsided and it’s messing with my head.
I’m totally confused. I had vaginismus and we didnt have sex for over a year, my husband wasnt helpful at addressing the problem so it got left till he had an affair. I’ve taken him back twice and hes gone again, it’s the same woman. When he came back the first time, he said he had ED with her, then had it with me, our sex only happened once or twice then he was off with her again. The dr told him before he left the last time his tests showed low testosterone yet he goes and manages it sometimes with this other woman. After an argument a month ago, he finally said he is not sexually attracted to me, I know he loves me and thinks I’m attractive, he’s just not sexually attracted to me. I feel like it’s all because hes now had the buzz of a new woman and needs that feeling to get him going. I also know the sex with her will eventually become boring and he will think why did he throw our marriage away, it’s been 25 years. He did try to come back 4 weeks ago but I just looked at him at door with disgust and said nothing. I’m sure hes probably regretting leaving but I couldnt go on like this anymore with his coldness towards me, I’m confused how he can have sex with someone with all these issues and keep coming and going with no resolve
My husband and I have never had much sex. Even when we were dating he wasn’t that interested, it’s strange. Like during the newly dating phase- when most couples are going at it like bunnies- I think he would have been fine to have sex once a month or less. I guess I always assumed it would come with time but it never has.
We’ve been married for less than a year and we don’t have much sex still. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise- I read your books pretty early on and successfully implemented the tips. My husband has started a business that’s really successful, he handles all our finances, he buys me gifts and takes me on vacations, but he doesn’t have much of a desire for sex.
It makes me sad because I feel like I am missing out on a deep sexual connection. I still get excited when we go on vacation because I imagine us having sex but it doesn’t happen. He has said that this is how he’s always been. We’re still young, he’s healthy. I am attracted to him and I want to feel desired. Do you have any thoughts?
My husband and I will be married 3 years in two weeks and twice this week I have gotten the “I’m not longer sexually,mentally or physically attracted to you” texts messages…..I’m heartbroken….I’m at a loose we are so young our marriage is our fresh and young why is this happening??? But says he doesn’t want a divorce…what do I do ???
Is it an loose or can it be helped
My husband and I will be married 3 years in two weeks and twice this week I have gotten the “I’m not longer sexually,mentally or physically attracted to you” texts messages…..I’m heartbroken….I’m at a loose we are so young our marriage is our fresh and young why is this happening??? But says he doesn’t want a divorce…what do I do ???
Me and my husband will be married for 18 years on May 30th , tonight we had a argument because I always catch him watching porn .. and that really hurted me . We always had a great sex life but the pass year in a half it’s been horrible we don’t even share the same blanket, so tonight i confronted him about the porn. And if he is still attractive to be. He dident want to tell me the truth not to hurt me .. but then he did . He told me he is not attracted to me anymore and that sex is not good any more . And he dosent find me pretty.. so now I just don’t know what to do.. or how to act around him I don’t want to share the same room with him I want to move in the downstairs bed room .. I’m so hurt ?
Hi Laura, your article is superb but in eastern society men are not suppose to do even their own work I am 24 and my husband is 35 I m MS in chemistry doing a job taking care of a toddler and also taking care of his everything but despite doing everything I sometimes feel that he doesn’t love me like he used to do we are having great sex time but after he is like somebody else… I m really depressed
Hey this article was really helpful. But my husband and I are married for just 8 months and he says I’m not entertaining and attractive and also he like watching milf porn than be with me. Also I’m new at this and don’t exactly know what to do
My husband said it feels like kissing a sister most time i try to kiss him. He occassionaly can get in the moment but not often. Please tell me this is fixable that we arnt doomed to be divorced. Im hyperventilating over here.
Neither of us wanna be without the other so i know that a good start.
Tammy, In my experience that is totally fixable. You shouldn’t have to feel like he’s doesn’t desire you! That’s not right. Get a coach so you can stop feeling like his sister and start enjoying his affection again.
We have a small baby and I always ask him to be home more to help me, but he always wants to be out. When he’s not working he is out because he says he is very busy and has lots of things to do. it is an issue of contention between us. I feel like if I stopped ‘nagging’ and ‘mothering’ him to be around more, he will be gone even more. How do I get to playful from here?
My husband asked me where I kept the ice cream. I loathe him.
I’ve tried everything you e said, still nothing. When we are intimate, it’s only for him and theres no anything. He doesnt go out and do stuff, but always seems upset, just wants to watch TV or play video games. Hes even stated that he thinks it’s boring and just prefers oral. At this point I’m done. He wont talk about it, doesnt want me to work, and I know you keep saying “What do you want?” But at this point, I dont know if I want anything anymore. I’m shattered.
I just bought your book and am so grateful to have something that empowers me after feeling so hopeless. My husband still is attracted to me as a best friend and partner, just not sexually. I’m praying that this can still be applicable. Please let me know how I can join the FB group as I’ve been waiting to be approved for days and could really use the support from other women!
I am definitely going to change my lifestyle and see how this works for us. My husband has had no sexual attraction to me whatsoever lately and it has really, really hurt. We were the type to have sex at least twice a week. Now, there is no connection, there is a feeling of awkwardness, like a “what do we do now” kind of feeling, and he criticizes everything I do when I touch him. We are both only 23, healthy, in shape, and pretty people to say the least. I just had our first baby and my body went through serious hell and I feel like that is what’s bothering my husband. I’m tiny again, but I have some serious stretch marks across my tummy and I don’t look the same as I did before. I have never been more depressed in our marriage than I am right now. He isnt watching porn either so it’s not that he’s doing things behind my back. It’s just that his attraction towards me is dead. Can someone please help me?
Hi! So, my marriage just went through a similar evolution and it seriously felt like we had just started dating again. It was amazing. However, we were having a discussion today. There were some other, broader issues we discussed, but he stated again (this is now the 3rd time) that, while he loves me for many reasons and is attracted to me in a lot of ways, he is less physically attracted to me now after having our son (he is 18 mos old). He made the point of saying that, during my pregnancy, he never felt that way as I couldn’t help my growing belly. Now that some of the weight has stuck around, however, he doesn’t find me as attractive. And he especially doesn’t like my inconsistency with working out (and sometimes lack of motivation) along with the fact that I told him that, although I certainly keep him in mind when I consider how I appear, he is not the reason why I work out. I do it so I feel good about myself. He is offended by that and compares it to him helping out around the house more. As in, him helping to care for our house makes me happy, so why not want to do something that makes him happy (i.e. working out, eating healthy, and ultimately, losing weight). Which, to some degree I understand, but at the same time I am feeling a bit devastated and unsure of where to go from here. I just started accepting my changing body. I would love to get back to my pre-baby weight. I work out when I want to. Could I be more consistent? Sure! I don’t disagree with him on that. But it’s hard for me to accept when he himself has gone through weight changes throughout our relationship and just in the last 6 months became pretty consistent in exercising. No matter what, I continued to remain physically attracted to him. Where do I go from here? Sorry for the super long post. Thanks in advance for any advice you can provide.
My husband started ignoring me physically after maybe 3 years of marriage. It’s been almost 12 years now. I am very affectionate, so its been hard. Now with our daughters getting married and going into the kind of marriage I’ll never have it’s doubly hard. At first he blamed it on physical issues. He has a lot of health problems. But physical issues don’t cause a man to not be attracted to a woman. There are plenty of guys out there who have affairs while taking Viagra. I try not to be his mother, but I have to be the full-time breadwinner because he is not able to work anymore. I feel like maybe I have taken on a role that just makes him feel bad because he can’t support me anymore, but I can’t change the fact that he is on dialysis and can’t be the provider. I am a fussy, motherly soul by nature too.
My husband just told me he’s not attracted to me anymore. My husband says he loves me so much, that I’m his world but he’s just not attracted to me because of my body. I have chronic pain and fatigue issues and have gained some weight although I was heavy when he married me. When I look back I feel like he maybe was never attracted to me. I’m so hurt, literally feel like my heart is broken and I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m trying to lose weight but with all the medical issues it’s very hard. I was always the one to initiate sex, he would only on occasion after i’d mention that it had been a while. I feel like he just goes through the motions and isn’t in love with me like he used to be. I don’t overly nag anymore…I don’t think I ever did though but I always liked to discuss our relationship and how it could be better and I stopped that because it was pressuring him. I’m very supportive and loving and affectionate. I get up early every morning to make him breakfast before work, and other kind things. I’ve definitely let myself go a bit because financially we don’t have money for me to buy clothes or get my hair done anymore so since I work from home i wear yoga pants or leggings and t shirts a lot. I always put myself together before he comes home, a little makeup and do my hair as best I can. Not sure what else to do. I”m so beyond devastated right now I cry all the time. I feel so much anxiety about it.
Hi. I started to sense that something was wrong a little over a year ago. My husband insisted he was fine. We were still intimate then but they were becoming less frequent and I could feel he wasn’t allergies. We’ve been married for 11 years and about 4 months ago he started saying he wasn’t happy. I was glad to hear this because this was the first time there was some kind of communication. I agreed that I wasn’t either and asked what he thought we should do. He said he didn’t know but was clear that he didn’t want a divorcefor anything. So, I asked if he wanted to go counselling. He agreed. We were going for about a month. But, when it became emotional for him ( he’s not an emotional person) he didn’t want to go back. He expressed that he doesn’t deserve me and that he has also lost attraction but doesn’t want a divorce. About a month ago I found out that he he is seeing a younger women 23. He’s 51. It has been going on for about 6 or so months. I figured it is over. I told him so but he won’t leave. He told me he has no future with her but doesn’t sleep at home. But returns every morning to get ready for work. I’ve been ignoring him for about a week and just doing me. Yesterday I was actually home when he came from work not that I was trying to be.. We shared a few words about our three children and then he as about to leave. Usually I’d escort him to the door just to get a few more seconds with him but I didn’t. He came to me and hugged me and told me he loved me. Then left. I told him I loved him too but did my best not to be so emotional about it. I feel foolish for wanting to stay but his best friend says that he told him he wants to come home but don’t know how.
I’m just tired, lonely and on the verge of giving up. This is not normal but in Love him.
I wish I could hear an update from Sherri . That is my life to a T. Please update with good news. I’m going through everything you were.
I totally agree with this article and I’ve even attempted to do what you’re saying and you know what happens? Things just don’t get done. When will it be his responsibility to just stop being childish? I feel like every bit of advice falls on the woman to make changes…never on the man. It’s exhausting.
Hi wow your article makes so much sense. I think it might be a solution for me cause i feel exactly the same. The tricky part would indeed be how to change? Will you let him walk in underwear with holes without making a comment? I guess you could make a dating girl comment? 😉 – but my biggest question is this…i always cook and i always do the dishes. Is that mothering? (He lies on the couch while i do it. We both work but fair enough he has more responsibilities and a more exhausting job). And how would i need to change this if needed?
Regards Anne
Hello Laura, so last night i unfortunately discovered something that I did not intend to discover. Story short, I found out my boyfriend of almost 6 years told his father in a email that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Mind you the night before we got into a argument and it wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t reassuring either. He says I treat him like crap, I make him feel like crap, I nag. Well I’m sorry you feel like crap. But to be honest he’s a very angry person deep inside. Very impatient. If things don’t go his way, he’s miserable. He asks for my opinions but when he doesn’t like my response it turns into an issue. I don’t expect him to help, especially with my daughter(previous relationship) but to him that’s his daughter. He loves her! But I wish I didn’t have to remind of things so much or ask him to help but 80% of the time when I do ask, he complains about it later. Well I’m that case I would rather not ask for help. Do I have a attitude? Yes but so does he and I know 2 wrongs don’t make a right. But I do a lot for him. But according to him, anything I do makes him mad? I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck! Just last week we had great sex but then I find this out? How am I suppose to take that now? Was I being used? Is he forcing his “happiness” with me? He says he’s trying but is it forced or cause he really wants to be with me? I try not to help him when I know he can do it, but he does ask for my help a lot. Babe can you do this for me? Babe can you help me massage this ointment in my hair? Babe what do we need to do? I thought being a team was the right thing. Was I wrong? I’m torn 🙁
Karleen, that’s so painful to hear he’s not attracted to you, especially after everything you do for him. I know it’s no fun being called a nag and having all those arguments. I really appreciate your vulnerability and your commitment to your relationship.
I thought marriage meant being a team, but my teammate was falling short. Everything I tried to get him to support me drove him away, and I lost his affection too. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which attracted him back to me and made him eager to please me and help me.
If I can do it, you can too! I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills.
Karleen r u sure we aren’t married to the same guy my husband is the same exact way he says he can’t have sex with me now tho cuz all I do is bitch but I’m not he thinks anytime I try to talk about my feelings or out issues that I’m bitching and says he will leave then he’s always saying things about my weight I’m 4”11 and 115lbs Idk how much more skinny I could be without it being unhealthy I tried everything and he still makes me feel unwanted unattractive and hurt
I feel so undesired and unnoticed my husband. He’s physically in our home, but emotionally absent. Constantly engaged in his mobile device or computer. He is completely withdrawn emotionally from me. I am at a loss as to how our marriage can survive if we continue this way. I’ve become critical and angry. I’m lonely and feel cut off. We haven’t had sex in almost 6 years. We have a 10 year old daughter and the only time we “talk” is when we argue about her.
Holly, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. That is so painful. Your vulnerability is so attractive, and I really admire you for having the hope to reach out for support.
I felt so angry, sad and lonely when my husband would rather watch TV than talk to me, spend time with me or make love to me. The 6 Intimacy Skills attracted him back to me, reviving our communication and our sex life. Now he cozies up to me on the sofa while I’m working on the computer!
If I can do it, you can too. I’ll show you how to get the affection and attention you need to revive your marriage in my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I’ve been married for 24 years. 3 beautiful children. My husband has always been so sweet. He has been loving and affectionate, even throughout the years that I have been dispondent and neglectful (too focused on kids). 2 weeks ago he said he doesn’t feel in love anymore. He doesn’t want to be affectionate at all because he said it feels wrong, since he isn’t feeling in love. He doesnt want to work on things but also said he doesnt want a divorce.
I’ve gained 100 lbs and haven’t focused on him much at all these years. I feel like he has depleted himself of love. I feel like I’ve ruined things for good and feel so hopeless. He isn’t a jerk. He’s kind. He’s apologetic that he doesn’t feel that way anymore toward me. He said it hurts him that it hurts me. I feel so lost…
Jaime, my heart goes out to you. I can see why you’re feeling so lost and hopeless. I’m here to tell you there is hope. I’ve seen firsthand the power of the 6 Intimacy Skills to attract back a husband who has lost affection for his wife. I’ve seen that transformation in my own marriage and for thousands of women who practice the 6 Intimacy Skills. If we can do it, you too can heal your marriage and feel cherished, desired and adored again! I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I stop being attracted to my physically beautiful wife and cheated she found out and I hurt my her. How can I become attracted to my wife and be faithful
Aaron, I appreciate your vulnerable honesty and your desire to make things right with your wife. I work only with women, so I invite you to do what you can to inspire her to take an interest in the Intimacy Skills. Here‘s how.
My boyfriend (& father of my son) told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because “I’ve let myself go.” Becoming a mother, taking care of the house, working and going to school has taken a toll on me. I am currently the heaviest I’ve ever been. (When we met I was in amazing shape and “had it going on” *LOL* Every time I begin to tell him of all the roles I actually have in life, he begins to tell me they are excuses and tells me to put myself in his spot. I love him so much, I love our family, but sometimes I ask myself our relationship is beginning to hurt because of how much I’ve changed (physically, mostly). I mean I get it, all husbands want their wives to look great. I just feel like he expects me to look like I did when I was 21 before kids and LIFE. haha I’ve started to go to the gym… slow progress but I’m finally making it everyday. He cheers me on and tells me he’s happy about it… but I don’t get that feeling. It’s overwhelming and it all hurts my feelings as well.
Ouch, that does sound hurtful and overwhelming–and like a lot of pressure! I find it so attractive that you have the vulnerability to come here for support and that you’re committed to healing your relationship. I remember how painful it was when my husband no longer desired me. I thought the answer was getting in shape or getting a makeover, but practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills has been more powerful than any beauty treatment in attracting him to me again! If I can do it, you can too! I have a free webinar coming up that you will find so valuable: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
What if I’ve started using your 6 intimate skills for the past 2 months and now he confronts me about not being attracted to me? He is bringing up minor things that I used to do (close to 1 year ago) such as arguing with him, biting my nails, not eating healthy, gaining weight. He also asked me the question, “Why cant I be honest with you that I am not attracted to you?” and “If I love you, do I have to be physically attracted to you all the time?” We just got married recently and all this just hurts.
Ouch! I can see why you feel hurt, Sarah. I’m sorry to hear your intimacy is suffering as a newlywed. I acknowledge you for your commitment and courage to change. The attraction had suffered in my marriage too. It took some time to make up for my disrespectful ways and to learn to use the 6 Intimacy Skills in tandem. Surrendering brought out my best self and brought the passion back, especially as he saw that the new me was here to stay! I know that the attraction will return as you continue to practice the Intimacy Skills. I would love to give you the kind of support I needed to make that happen. I have a free webinar coming up that’s perfect for you. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura,
I never acted like his mother. My problem is I don’t know how to let things go. We’ve been together for 6 years. The first year when I was a bigger girl it was great. Then things changed. He told me he’s always preferred skinny girls and that I wasn’t thin enough after loosing some weight. He pretty much compared me to all the thin girls in our lives including my sister. He said he chose me because he thought i was cute and nice but not because he liked my body. We fought so much after the years because of this. Although hes tried not to talk about it, till these days he still said I’m so much bigger than other girls when I wear a size 2 dress and them 0. It hurts me so much that I can’t stand looking at him sometimes. He’s done so much for me and he’s a wonderful man in many ways and I have no doubt that he loves me, but at the same time I can’t get over how he sees me and I just can’t even be intimate with him. I’ve thought so many times of leaving and being by myself but I still love him. He keeps saying we’ll seek professional help but it’s all empty because he doesn’t believe in that. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so frustrated and resentful towards him. How can I fix this hole inside me
Ouch! Delilah, I can see why you’re so resentful and are having a hard time letting go of that hurt. My resentments never got me more intimacy either, and I remember how lonely it felt to have lost physical intimacy with my husband. However, practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills restored that magnetism. Today there’s also a lot of grace in my home. There is hope for you to feel desired, cherished and respected again too. I’d love to see you experiment with the 6 Intimacy Skills to experience that for yourself. You can get them from my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. Here’s a free chapter: http://getcherished.com
Hi Laura – I’m 31 and my boyfriend is 48. We have been living together for 4 years.
We have only had sex regularly for the first 6 months of our relationship – then he got a double hernia. Sex stopped (literally none in the last two years) and while I understood, I became resentful. He had his hernia fixed but is making no effort to be sexual again. The first 6 months he was absolutely crazy about me – flowers every day and very regular sex.
In the beginning of our relationship I was the bread winner and giving him life/work advice. He seemed to really want help and be very attracted to me.
I became ill a year into our relationship and had to quit work. He became the bread winner and started resenting me.
We began fighting – and now he says he “isn’t attracted to me because we argue.” And that he “views me more like a sister he bickers with.”
I do have a tendency to correct him when he’s wrong – and his reaction is to become extremely defensive/sensitive.
I often feel way more mature (mentally and emotionally) and he often acts like a bratty, rude teenager. This fuels me to get an even more “motherly” attitude and correct him… which he doesn’t take to very kindly.
He is now becoming very cold, rude, explosive, angry and short with me (even more so than usual).
I just feel extremely depressed about it and I’m not sure what to do. I view myself as a pretty attractive and sexual woman – and I feel like I’m waisting what’s left of my younger years and it’s taking a huge toll on my self esteem.
Any advice would be appreciated, thank you!!! 🙂
Star, That does sound depressing and lonely. I remember when it was like that at my house, and it was no fun. Sorry to hear you’re going through that. The good news is that you can turn this around–it’s totally solvable. You can get back to what it was like in those first six months again. It doesn’t have to take a long time. I’d love to see you get your hands on the Six Intimacy Skills, which I lay out step-by-step in my book/audiobook, The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
I had no idea what I was doing to our marriage of 17 years. He finally told me angry and explosive (not like him at all!). It was actually very beneficial and I’ve made a lot of changes that I feel (and he feels) are positive. He’s very responsive emotionally, talking more, etc., but has now told me a month and half later that he is “lost” and even though he knows things are getting better he doesn’t trust that it will stay this way. I’ve been initiating sex and although he’s participated he doesn’t seem to be very “intimate” about it– physically just getting it done. He doesn’t “pat my butt” anymore and has said he just doesn’t feel like it. I want this intimacy again–all of it. I think he’s going through some kind of midlife crisis. No other women I trust and he’s always had a lower libido. But now it’s non-existent? What do I do?
Dear Unattractive–I can see why you’re feeling that way, and I still remember how painful that was! Ugh. It’s awful. You don’t mention if you’re practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills already but if not I would love to see you get your hands on them and turn this situation around completely. Many of us have the experience of having our husband’s libido seem low and then through applying the Skills it comes roaring back. I lay out the skill step-by-step in my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife, which you can read a free chapter of here:
http://getcherished.com/
Hi Laura, my husband has been gone for nearly 8 weeks and I think he might be going through a mid-life crisis. We have been married for nearly six years and he said he doesn’t think he loves me anymore and doesn’t think of me in a sexual way. I am now thinking that maybe I behaved in this way and mothered him too much. He has been coming over once a week to see my daughter, his step-daughter, and stays for dinner. I have ensured that every visit is a positive one, we don’t argue or discuss the reasons why he left. The last couple of times he brought a bottle of wine which I think is positive but in the same breath a few weeks ago he told me not to think it was another ‘rung on the ladder’ to us getting back together when he comes over. I am do confused. I really want to make it work but he seems very resistant and my friends say I am letting him have his cake. How do I carry out these principles if I see him only once a week?
CJ, I’m sorry to hear about your husband being gone for 8 weeks. Sounds very painful and lonely. I agree that it’s a very good sign that he’s coming over and brining wine. There’s every reason to be hopeful that you can revitalize your marriage, despite the current circumstances, by using The Six Intimacy Skills. I would love to see you get some support with doing that though given the separation. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and discover the best step for your marriage. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura, I have loved reading your books (have just finished first, kill the marriage counsellors and am just starting the surrended wife.)
It has definitely shown me that I was obscenely controlling, disrespectful and mothering to my husband. I did everything for him and he did absolutely nothing around the house. I controlled all the finances and made all household decisions.
We have an 11mth old son and my husband left 5 months ago and is currently living with his parents. He left because ‘he loves me but he’s not in love with me or physically attracted to me anymore.’ Reading your book is like reading our story back to me! We have been together for over 10years but only married for 3 and only living together for 4.
I find it hard to be able to implement your techniques as I only really see him when we switch over looking after our son. Also, a lot of the things he asks me now are related to our son and I don’t want to put him in jeopardy because my husband relies on me to do all the research and the tell him what we should do. For instance, he asked the other day if our son can have a pillow. I said ‘your his dad, you can make a decision about what is best for him’ but I think he took that as though it’s safe (when it’s not), so now I’m worried that I have put my son in danger by withholding information.
Do you think it’s too late for us since he has already been moved out for too long? Is there anything you can recommend to get the process moving a bit quicker…I feel like because I don’t see him that often, I don’t get many opportunities and it could take years to get anywhere…
Emma, Sorry to hear about your husband leaving and saying those hurtful words to you. Sounds like you and I are a lot alike with the control, disrespect and mothering. Yes, you can definitely recover your marriage and make it amazing, but you will certainly benefit greatly from having a guide. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and uncover the best move for your relationship. You’ll find it so valuable.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I told my boyfriend when my Saturday plans were cancelled on Friday. He asked what my plans were now several times and I said I didn’t have any. He finally said he had made loose plans with a friend and that if they fell through or, maybe after, we could get together. I said sure but to let me know asap if he wanted me to arrange for babysitting. He said he would phone me the next morning. Well, he didn’t phone but texted me in the afternoon that he was on his way to his friend and then let me know when they were having dinner. We generally only get together on weekends and now we won’t see each other until the next weekend. And we usually let each other know about our weekend plans with plenty of advance notice. I feel really hurt and disrespected as I was left without any opportunity to make other plans. I would have been fine if he had told me he made the plans and sorry but that was that. I have not been communicating with him very much but I don’t want to get to say anything and get in a fight. Yet I also don’t want this to happen again as I don’t want to feel disrespected like this. This has really bothered me as it is very similar to my past marriage. How do I handle it? Help. I really want to have a good relationship.
Janis, That does sound very hurtful and disappointing. I wouldn’t like that either. I think I’d also feel rejected. This is solvable but it’s a longer conversation. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches about the best move you can make for your relationship here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My hub wants me to do everything for him but I didn’t want so I mostly didn’t do those stuff. And he did not change after 8 yrs. I’m fed up. He doesn’t seem to care. He never cleans up after himself. I always leave his mess and yes it stays there few weeks till it’s terrible he decides to do it. Amd what if I have guest and I’m ashamed but he’s not.
Riv, Sorry to hear your husband doesn’t seem to care or clean up. I remember those days in my marriage! No fun at all. But that’s all changed now. He cleans up all the time and I don’t even have to ask him! You might be surprised that you can inspire your husband to do the same thing. I sure was. I lay out all the steps in the book, The Empowered Wife, which you can read a free chapter of here:
http://GetCherished.com
This was an eye opener.
Hi Laura, I am so confused. This is what he told me, that I act like a mother to him and that makes him not feel attracted to me. However, he likes to make my breakfast, coffee, carry my things and so on. When I do something it mothering him, when he does it it is him helping me. I am truly hurt and actually find my self not even speaking much to him. I don’t want to offend him anymore, or act like his mother, I don’t know what it means to be a lover and friend to him.
Lorie, I see why you feel like there’s a double-standard in your marriage, and I agree that there is! Men and women are very different and we want different things to feel loved. If you haven’t read The Surrendered Wife yet, I think you’ll find it very valuable as far as learning how to be his friend and lover, but not his mother.
first of all thank you I have changed a lot since reading your book. my issue is that my mom was always a mom to my dad. now when I broke up with my ex I realized he resented me for controlling him and acting like his second mom. I don’t know how to get out of the mommy role its so ingrained in me.
Sara, I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. I can relate to feeling stuck as the mommy! The good news is I’m not stuck anymore. You can let it go too and get treated like the lover you want to be. Consider getting some coaching around this. It would make a big difference for you. It would change your whole life for the better. You can apply for a complimentary discovery session here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Laura, what are some of your daily self care practices? I’m having a hard time coming up with a realistic list for me, of things I can do everyday..
Nicole, It can be hard at first to come up with self-care practices when you’re out of practice. But for me a lot of things are super simple: Listening to my favorite music around town on foot or in the car, singing at the top of my lungs and doing my happy dance in the living room, talking to my BFFs and my sisters on the phone, taking a nap, playing on social media, having a piece of fudge, watching a comedy and of course…playing volleyball. You’ll start to tune in to what makes you happy as you experiment and focus on it more. It’s so worthwhile! I love it!
Hi Laura! My husband is the one that acts like the mother or father… I even sometimes call him Dad by mistake and we definitely don’t have sex because I can’t get my self to want to be intimate with him… I hardly want to kiss him… And I think about being with other people now because I can’t see the sexual attraction to him anymore.
But I also read your Anger post and that is definitely me. I have rage outbursts at him and want to control him. I think I want to control him so that he is like a guy I would fantasize about. Like what he wears and says…
He even says that I’m more like the guy and he the woman in our relationship except for the part that I can’t seem to have sex with him anymore… He is always cooking, cleaning and saying sweet things to me and wanting to cuddle and I can’t stand it… I’m also noticing our 13 year age gap more now… I’m 37 and he is 50…
We just talked about each of us going to individual therapists/counsellors… We haven’t had sex in several years… And all I think about lately is sex but with fantasy others. I want to make this work but I just can’t seem to see how to bring the sexual attraction back… Thx!
Rebecca, Sorry to hear how painful it is at your house. I can relate to wanting to control my husband so he would wear and say what I wanted him to, and of course to the rage problem. Marriage counseling never got me closer to what I really wanted. I’d love to see you get support from a wife who has been where you are and come out the other side with the playful, passionate relationship you’re craving. Consider a complimentary discovery call:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Love this! I actually just started your book and find it so amazing! Thank you for sharing your experiences to help others.
Laura,
Even though I have been respectful with a few mistakes here and there My husband has pulled away from me physically the last week. He hasnt kissed, not interested in intimacy, its really hurtful to me and I dont know how to bring it up to him in a respectful way. Could he be having an emotional affair with someone and that is why he is pulling away?
He is very secretive about his phone and keeps it near him at all times.
I feel like he is hiding something or maybe I am just being extra sensitive but he has no interest in me and I feel so rejected.
Anna, Sorry to hear you feel rejected! Sounds very painful. Good for you for being respectful as best you can. That’s a good start. I’d love to see you get support to see what else might be coming between you and your husband. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for your relationship here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Carrying the weight of our family when it’s his job to provide for us
i do his laundry and will make appointments for him but in return he does all the house maintenance, mowing the lawn, keeping up with the landscaping, washes both cars and keeps them maintained and does about 50% of the cooking. He has been my husband for 37 years and continues to be a magnificent lover. It takes commitment and compromise to have a great marriage. He doesn’t want a mother, he wants a wife who will share his life with him. I feel fortunate and blessed to have someone who has been so committed to our family. Although he is retired now, he was a law enforcement officer for 34 years who was able to separate that job and his family needs. Sometimes we have to appreciate our husbands.
Laura I’m halfway through reading surrendered wife. Trouble is everything you say so far is more appropriate for my husband than me…he has no friends is a loner, now we are retired he follows me round, I can hardly go to the loo without him waiting outside….after 45 years he is still madly attracted to me…..but sadly I can’t return the compliment….he turns me offff.
But as I’m a Christian I’ve been showing him respect and ignoring all his faults for 45 years…..I try to love him…..and actually I do love him his sheer vulnerability I find quite attractive….but Sex has ended for me after years of feeling like a prostitute….this is putting him in a really bad mood? Is there a surrendered husbands book? He only he became a Christian, then he would have a helper and a friend……
Angie, I hear that you wish your husband had friends and was a Christian and that his following you around is a turn-off. I hope you’ll open your eyes a little wider while reading The Surrendered Wife. Even if there was a book for husbands, you couldn’t make him read it or do what it says. But you can change yourself, and you’ll have a completely different husband when you do. By different, I mean much, much better.
Appreciate your comment Laura feel God made me look at myself from the outset gods answer to me was always ,,,, but what about you. I have changed massively over 30 years but not hubby he is just that same an afraid and insecure person but he has always adored me probably too much and that’s the problem I can’t be his whole world ….. But we share our lives with chores and work etc think sometimes we are the perfect couple if only I could be more interested in sex but hey I am 65 there must be a time when enough is enough. I guess I think hubby now needs a new and younger sexier person I’m all done…..
Angie, I hear you. Maybe The Surrendered Wife is not the book for you. If you’re happy the way things are, then why do anything different? You’re the expert on your own life, and I trust you’re doing what’s best for you and your marriage.
Laura,
Thank you for you quick and personal replies, that’s a rare thing! You are a truly amazing woman…I love your books, I’ve already read surrendered women, beautiful. I 100 % agree with all you write and teach…a couple of weeks ago a friend told me I was doing too much, but I could not see it, ( ATM I have an ongoing situation with my elderly parents, which is distressing) …then I came across your books, and I could see she was correct….I’m working on things Laura, thank you.
Angie
My question is, I work 6 days a week. On the 1 day I am off I grocery shop, cook 2 or three meals for him and do the laundry. I have chosen to do these things each and every week, it has become routine but now I am exhausted! How can I just stop?
Grace, I can relate! I painted myself into the same unfun corner you describe. Have you read Surrendered Wife or The Empowered Wife? There are detailed instructions for how to go from being the kitchen elf to feeling like the queen in your relationship. It’s not as far off as it seems right now if you have a map.
My daughter complained of that same thing. Could not get her husband interested in helping, all he would say was he worked full time too. Solution was to get a cleaner, much happier daughter , now she just need to employ a cook.
Having been in a near plutonic marriage since our first child 4 years ago and having read your “The Empowered Wife” book (made complete sense as I have been doing most things wrong) I am now really trying not to act like his mum and concentrate on my own self. However, every time we’ve had a disagreement he ups and leaves to go and stay there (10 mins down the road) – leaving me to look after the 3 children (2 from my previous marriage)
His mum is always happy to have him, and quite often he will stay there for weeks, over the most trivial argument that has got out of hand; he usually returns home daily (should I let this happen?) at tea time and weekends, but goes back there to sleep. He’s 41 and we’ve been married nearly 6 years.
The last time we fell out over the mess made my one of the children making a tuna sandwich and he has now been there 6 weeks. Thoughts?
Sharon, That sounds so painful. Sorry to hear. I can see why you’re frustrated. There’s a lot at stake here, and I’d love to see you get some support to get your marriage back to being passionate and playful again, and feeling emotionally safe that you’re not going to be abandoned. It’s all possible and you’ve made a good start reading The Empowered Wife. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to uncover the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
He actually told me I was acting like his mother but all he does is sit on the computer all day and not look for a job or even do any housework or anything. This advice is perfect right now for me to hear. I will give it a try. I will try anything at this point. I too am feeling alone and rejected as he goes to Facebook for his entertainment right now. Thanks.
Theresa, That sounds lonely and painful for sure. I admire that you’re willing to try anything. That’s exactly how I felt when I discovered The Six Intimacy Skills myself. The Six Intimacy Skills are described in great detail in The Empowered Wife. Have you read that?
Is the reading material on here or in a book. I would love to read it.
Theresa, It’s called The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection.
We have been married 30 yrs and we had our share of good and bad times-like everyone else. But in the end we always loved each other and always made up if we fought. When we met my husband was in the army an we lived in germany. Our daughter was born 3yrs after we got married and my husband was deployed to Irak when she was a yr old -for about half a year. The army kept those guys pretty busy and more often than not away from their families-so it was pretty much up to me to take care of everything. Than we moved to the US and he couldnt find a job at first. I did -and we were able to stay afloat for a few month. Than he got hired driving truck. Again-he was gone most of the time: when our house was build, when our daughter had school funktions,when anyone was sick…you name it. I prided myself of taking care of everything at home so when he came home on the weekends we could actually spend tima as a family. HE actually talked proudly of me to his friends for it. About 5-6 yrs ago he lost all interest in sex. Of course i immediately looked at myself and found i had let myself go pretty badly. I weight over 200 pounds at 5’2 and my boobs looked no longer full but started to sag and were uneven!! So i did the logical thing:i started dieting and excersised an lost 40 pounds. I also had a breast reduction done (not without talking to my husband about it first!) his response was as always” if thats what you want, babe” well its not what i wanted but what i thought i needed to do, to get him to look at me like his woman again…
Recently we had an argument and i flat out asked him, why he wasnt interested in me anymore. He told me i changed so much, i dont need him, i make all the decisions,when he comes home he feels like he is visiting….it hurt me so badly to hear him say all that,when i always,always ask him his opinion and how should we handle things but he rarely has an opinion. Here i thought all those years he was apprecciating me working so hard for us. I am just devastated….
Nini, That is devastating! I can see how I would have done exactly the same thing in your situation. Of course you had to run everything when he wasn’t around. It must have been exhausting though. I hear him wanting to be needed again. And I hear that you need him. So you have all the building blocks of an passionate, playful relationship. Just add Intimacy Skills and I promise your marriage can be all you dreamed of when you said, “I do.” Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call here to discover the best move for your relationship:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I downloaded your book this morning and i had already thought something on the lines of “surrendering”…(but i DO NOT like that word….?), but i apprecciate the guidelines in the book. I am just not sure….am i not to engage in any discussions? Is every question for my opinion “bait”? How are we than a couple and not just the husband now being the only adult and i get to keep busy doing my “own thing”? That doesnt sound right to me. I totally agree that my behavior,no matter how unintentional, emasculated him. But i dont want a relationship were one person is responsible for everything-i have that now, just that now I am that person….
Nini, You’ll be honoring yourself and expressing your desires like never before as you practice The Intimacy Skills. A Surrendered Wife is not an obedient wife or a subservient wife. She just acknowledges that she can’t change anyone except for herself, so she doesn’t tell her husband what to wear, or eat for lunch or what to do at work. Instead she focuses on her own happiness and that, in turn, improves the intimacy.
I understand…but you see, i was fine with myself and the person i had become-independent, strong, sufficient, successful ( i even started courses to get my tech license) – but in the process i decided that, since i had to do everything by myself anyway, surely i dont need that stupid guy that just does everything wrong anyway… And in hindsight, i was VERY respectless and rude to him, but it took some soulsearching and reading your book to realize, that i was pushing him away from me! Turns out, i DONT need that guy, nut i sure do WANT him with me, because i really love him and i am embarrassed and sorry for my behavior. My only excuse is, that i didnt realize it.
Just the last few days i have been practicing your principles and we had the best weekend in EONS, i even woke up to a great big bear hug- i hope it will only improve from here! Girls, if you love your man-try the principles and maybe you will realize -like i did- he really IS a great guy, you just learned not to see it!! Thank you so much, Laura!!
Laura you are terrific! I am happy to report that my marriage is in a fun and healthy place. Your emails are welcome reminders of where my marriage used to be ?, and the bliss I feel regularly now.
Nobody should give up hope on their marriage. Just hang in there ladies!! Just be patient and take care of you! One day you will look back and be amazed how far you have come and your marriage?
This is the best advice I’ve heard from Laura Doyle’s books. Almost as soon as we got married, I became his “mother.” I did everything, including putting his things were they should be, telling him how long his showers should be so we didn’t waste water (still embarrassed about this), asking him if he filled the tank up. All that did was make him unattracted to me and I grew resentful and thought he was irresponsible.
So what I did was make a list. On one side, I made a list of things that I wanted to do for him out of kindness and love, but I had to make sure they were things that didn’t make me resentful and that I was choosing to do it out of love, not because I felt I had to. (My husband is in the military and works 16 hour days. I’m super busy too; a teacher, a new mom, and a grad student. However, he does work longer so I want to do nice things for him, just like he does for me after a long day.) So on one side of the list, I put keep a clean house (mainly for my sanity), make dinners during the week, grocery shop, budget, and make his lunch for him (without complaining if he forgets it). On the other side, I made a list of things I couldn’t do anymore, because it made me resentful and it made me feel like his mother. This included doing his laundry, finding his lost stuff, and cleaning up after him (dirty clothes on the floor, dirty dishes, etc.). At first, he just didn’t do it and complained, but it made my self esteem go way up and my stress go way down. If he had a problem with it? Well, that’s his problem. Yes, the laundry built up over weeks. If it bothered me, that was my problem, so I would just take it and throw it in his “man room” so I didn’t have to look at it. If he lost his keys, I would just say I didn’t know where there were (unless I did), and continued on my way. Yes, he would get annoyed sometimes, but that was his problem. After awhile, he stopped being annoyed and took responsibility.
I think people will treat you the way you act or the way you teach them to. So if I acted like his mother, I’d be treated so. So when you suddenly change, he needs time to change too. It’s not always automatic. this can be frustrating, but if you treated him like he was a baby and disrespected him for years, you need to cut him some clack and give him time to change too.
The world won’t stop if the house is a little messy or his laundry isn’t done. If it bothers you, focus on yourself and do something that makes you feel good (or in my case, make a pile and throw it somewhere-he’ll get the hint!) I think what Laura is saying perfectly is that we can only control ourselves and he can only control himself. Do you really want to lose intimacy and fight over something as simple as dirty clothes or dishes? Life and love are so much more important than that. The world won’t spinning if the dishes aren’t stacked exactly how you want them. So you have a choice, you can continue to be his “mom” and grow resentful and have no intimacy, or you can take a chill pill and take care of yourself and let him do things for you naturally. If he doesn’t do anything yet, he will after he realizes he doesn’t have to. Give him some space and time to get there on his own time.
My husband of 32 yrs and inhavecbeen acting like roommates for about 2 yrs now. He seems to have no interest in intimacy at all and I do! We’ve since separated again for second time and I don’t know what to do. Is there any hope for our marriage? I still love him but don’t like him and I’m sure he feels same way. We haven’t spoken in over a week now. Help! Or is it too late?
Sheryl, Sorry to hear about your separation and not much liking your husband at the moment. It’s not too late to save this marriage by making it playful and passionate again, but there’s no time to waste either. Apply for a complimentary discovery call and let’s not let a 32 year commitment slip away. I admire that you’ve stayed together this long! But let’s make it so you want to stay together now.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
This has been a huge issue for us (well, mostly me)! When he stopped drinking, his sex drive went out the door. The only way we would have sex is if I initiated it or we watched porn together. We have tried to talk about it and thought, because he was addicted to porn in the past, that he has become desensitized to sex. So, we stopped watching it. Now, it’s because he works a lot and stresses all the time. If it was just that, I would be ok with it. But, there’s no desire, no passion, no attraction coming from him. When he does give it, I hold on tight because who knows when I’ll get it again. It effects my self esteem immensely! I’ve worked out and dieted in the past, and I notice I get the butt pats then. Well, then I get a resentment and stop. Telling myself “see, it is because I’m fat”. Anyway, I’m going too far into this lol I don’t think I mother him at all. I just want to be desired! Ugh…
Michelle, that sounds painful, thinking it’s because of your weight. I hear you’re feeling a sense of scarcity about physical intimacy and I can see why. I’d love to see you get some support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call so you can discover the best move you can make for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Michelle, I felt the same way! When I was working out, losing weight, coming home from the gym showing off my hard muscles, my husband was impressed and attracted. Then when I became injured, couldn’t work out, gained back the weight, etc. I lost his attraction and adoration. I thought it was because of my weight — Since surrendering, we have a lot of deep, meaningful conversations. Through those, I learned the problem wasn’t my weight. The problem was my attitude – my drive. When I became injured – I became defeated and lost my positive attitude and drive. I gave up. At the time, he admits, he wasn’t strong enough to pick me up and encourage me. He now sees everything we do for each other and our home as “teamwork” and part of that is trying to help each other stay motivated and positive.
My weight is still an issue (for me), as my physical and medical issues are not yet resolved, but my overall attitude is different. The way I treat him is different. I stopped being defeated and started fighting for my marriage, my mental attitude, my physiological health – and the answers are coming and I’m seeing resolution in every aspect and light at the end of the tunnel.
We have been together more than 20 years and have never been closer! We talk about everything now. He’s more interested in my feelings and I’m more interested in what he thinks. And the intimacy is through the roof! Don’t give up, Michelle!
Cherri, thank you for sharing your inspiring experience. I’m thrilled to hear that you are so supported and cherished, and that your intimacy is through the roof! And that it wasn’t about how hard your muscles were. Wow, you sound like a coach! I love your commitment to sharing your experience to give other women hope. If you’re interested in inspiring others more with your beautiful story, check out https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach/
My husband has just stopped completely from being physical with me. I stopped being his mother type awhile ago but it didn’t help. Everytime I ask his advice, he says whatever you want to do is fine. He wants me to make all the decisions,handle our budget and where we go to eat and trips. It’s almost like he is forcing me to be his mother and I don’t know what to do.
Zondra, I can relate to what you describe from the old days in my marriage, and I remember it was painful! I’d love to see you get some support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to figure out the best move you can make for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura – my husband said after marriage he is more attracted to men then women and has kept declining to be intimate with me. Now he says he likes both men and women but I still cannot seem to get him to be with me no matter what kind of effort I make or conversation that I have. I don’t want to disrespect our relationship by going outside of it. We are both young. What do I do? Thanks! -Parineeta
Parineeta, that must have been so hard to hear! You shouldn’t have to hear words like that from your husband. I hear lots of hope too that he is attracted to women. So it sounds like something else is going missing for sure. No one deserves to put forth such effort and still be stuck. That’s so frustrating and disheartening.
I remember feeling stuck too and it was lousy. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships, even when there was no physical intimacy. We can help you too.
Get a coach so you can stop feeling like you’re missing something and start being adored yourself! Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here.
My problem seems to be the opposite. My husband complains when I don’t do those kinds of things for him. He wants me to be like his mother. He’s always comparing me to his mother and how she would do this and that for him, so why not me? For example, if he needs a hair cut and I don’t say anything he’ll complain to me that I don’t care if he looks nice or not. If I say something he’ll be glad I noticed. If he has holes in his socks he’ll complain that I haven’t noticed and gotten him new socks. Etc. etc. The fact is, though, that I don’t want to be his mother and take care of all those things for him. And that’s where the problem lies. For him, doing these things shows him I care about him. Not doing these things means I don’t care. And, by extension, he tries to “mother” me, and it drives me crazy! I know for him he’s showing that he cares. But I wish he wouldn’t. Maybe I should show this article to him! 🙂
Branna, The key part of this for me is, “I don’t want to be his mother.” That’s what matters. You could show him the article but you can’t make him read it or do what it says. But you can focus on honoring yourself and making yourself happy. Have you read, The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection? It’s going to be very valuable for you.
Laura, I think your writing only gets better and better. You are so gifted. I love how you write! I appreciate your vulnerability in your many failures- such makes you so impressively magnetic and inspires me to continue to review how I can change and evolve and better myself and my marriage. Thank you for these efforts you make and investments in us of all these great blogs.
Thank you, Elizabeth!
For nearly 36 years I have done the laundry and I fold his clothes, put them away, iron shirts and put them in his closet. I’ve always thought of this as being helpful. He is the breadwinner so I’ve felt my part is to do household things like laundry for him. Is my perception incorrect?
Colleen, Only you know what fits in your situation, as you are the expert on your own life. And if the passion and affection are high, then no need to fix anything, right? It sounds like you have a division of labor that includes you supporting him with laundry. If you’re both happy with that, then I see no problem!
Right on!! You are so right on!!!! I have quite a story about my 45 year marriage that might bless some women who have a “good guy” but as the years went on leave you so lonely!!!!!
Laura, I have read every book and yours is the only advise that works!!!!!!!
I’ve NEVER acted like his mother. He is a grown man. He is just so exhausted from his job and his medical issues.
Astute observation. Sage advice.
I tell him not to drink
I should have also included that we were never really lovers in the natural sense. It was very forced on his part, even early on during dating. Once we married it went downhill and became nonexistent. After months of being rejected and dealing with his anger toward being married at all (at least it seemed that way) I asked him why. That’s when he told me women were disgusting to him. Definitely has made me feel that he married me for a lot of wrong reasons. So although good advice and things I’ve already backed off doing, he isn’t responding in a “normal” way.
Stacy, You’re very focused on him and what he does and how he feels and how he was raised. I wonder what would happen if you focused on the one person you have control over: Yourself. Right now your life is going by with no one paying attention to it because you’re so focused on him. Intimacy thrives when you’re making yourself happy. Analyzing him will never get you there.
Laura,
Great article. Thank you. Sorry to say I was not familiar with your work until I googled this topic tonight. I will definitely be getting one of your books. Your advice is so right on, except (in my opinion) to this girl. It sounds to me like her husband has some severe mental blocks and trauma that he really needs therapy for if their marriage is to ever last. It sounds like he even might be an unaware homosexual due to his disgust with women.
I suppose by telling her to focus on herself, you are helping her to find her own happiness and she will gravitate to the truths of the relationship and end up doing what is best for her in the end. If that’s it, then I bow out and hope she does really well with it all.
You’re welcome, Lori! I get that my approach seems counterintuitive and flies in the face of conventional wisdom. I acknowledge you for being so open-minded. I love the way you express how you already see the power of focusing on yourself. I’m excited to see what happens for you as you start practicing all 6 Intimacy Skills! You can get them from my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. Here’s a free chapter: http://getcherished.com
This is great advice and something I’ve noticed in my relationship. However its only recently that I e realized he has “pushed” me into that mother role and treats me like his mother. He had an abusive upbringing, physically, mentally & emotionally, at the hands of his mother who raised three children herself. About 1-1/2 years into our marriage he told me that women were disgusting to him and that although he was sorry about it, I was just caught up in it. Been hard to take and to honor God and my commitments I’ve done my best to continue to treat him well. However it gets harder all the time. Recently I realized that he acts toward me like a roommate or sister. And then it hit me, he’s pushed me into the category of being his mother. ?
What if my husband is the opposite? He wants me to take care of him…pay the bills, put his laundry in his drawers, etc. It seems I can’t do many things the correct way because they aren’t his way.
Jenny, my question for you is…what does Jenny want?
My husband calls and asks me to make his appointments because he is used to his mother doing it for him. So, I didn’t volunteer. I am a stay at home mom and he is a forester who works in the woods and not at a desk in an office. I feel like it is a request and it helps him out and saves him time. Do I just say no to his request for help?
Adelaide, if it’s working for you two, then there’s no need to do anything differently. If it’s cutting into your self-care time, or otherwise causing you distress, then you might consider a different approach. But if all is well and intimate and passionate at your house, then I say carry on the good work you have begun.
He keeps baiting me to be his mother. Asking me where the keys are and what time he needs to be places. I smile and just say ‘I don’t know’ but instead of seeing me as his lover he is building resentment. He seems to want a mother….
Esther, Good for you for not biting the bait! Since you can only control Esther and not your husband, you can’t control his response. Sometimes it takes a while for the new way to feel comfortable, and he may just be looking for the old routine, which is human nature. You’re teaching him how to treat you and showing that you trust his capabilities, which leads to good things in my experience.
Unless he is suffering from early dementia or another neurological issue. I forget things all the time, and lose my keys. After some years of this, an MRI has revealed brainstem damage and some other neurological problems. Losing one’s keys repeatedly and not remembering when appointments are could very well be symptoms of a neurological problem. Dementia is not so uncommon and does sometimes creep up slowly.
Melawne, I’m sorry to hear that. Thank you for sharing your situation.
I have been married almost 34 years . My husband and I enjoyed a great sex life until recently. He announced he is no longer sexually attracted to me. I am devastated. I am to fly attracted to my husband but have been told we will never be having sex again. I feel forever is a long time and maybe there is hope. We were separated for 14 months but back together for a year. He left because he said nothing makes him happy. He always came around and we spent time together. We went to counseling for 5 months. Didn’t help,and he refuses to talk about any part of our relationship. So I never bring it up. I try to be happy,do my own things and not engage in negativity. Now once again,he has stated he is not a happy person,but he loves me and wants to stay married. He says he’s perfectly content to have a marriage with no sex. He also,said he doesnt want to have sex with anyone else. I don’t believe he is having an affair. Maybe a mid life crisis as everything seems to be just blah for him. I asked him to go to the Dr.and he had his testosterone levels checked. They were normal. He could be have some depression,but I am lonely and tired of feeling rejected 24/7. I am at a loss.. He is a workoholic,always has been, so it has been difficult to implement any thing to improve things. He always seems angry at me. He always says he’s not but he’s short and curt with me and very negative about things. However,when he talks to others he is friendly. I am scared my marriage is doomed. I want to do anything I can. Can one person fix a marriage when it seems hopeless?
Sherri, it is lonely and exhausting to deal with your husband’s personality change and rejection.
One client’s husband said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and quit kissing her like he used to. Six Intimacy Skills later, he can’t stop telling her he loves her or kissing her on the lips.
You too can attract your husband back. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
Sherri, what’s happened with your relationship? Did things get better?… you described my exact situation. Looking for a glimmer of hope.
Rora, I’m sad to hear you’re going through the same thing. It’s so lonely to feel rejected and lose physical intimacy. So many women on our campus have been in your shoes. Fortunately, there is hope. With the 6 Intimacy Skills™, one husband who said he was done with sex started pursuing his wife almost every day! So I know it’s possible for you to get the intimacy back too. Here’s a free Roadmap of 6 simple steps that have helped thousands of women turn things around so you can fix your relationship too: lauradoyle.org/rm1o
Sherri, it is lonely and exhausting to deal with your husband’s personality change and rejection.
One client’s husband said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and quit kissing her like he used to. Six Intimacy Skills later, he can’t stop telling her he loves her or kissing her on the lips.
You too can attract your husband back. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
sometimes i think you would answer those things out of kindness. my kids ask me those questions and i ask them, but they arent my mother, i just lose my stuff sometimes and have a bit of ADD to boot