How to Get Your Wife to Stop Nagging
As a former nagging shrew, I can tell you that it’s not an enjoyable pastime. It took me a long time to even realize I was nagging. I felt soooo justified.
I was convinced that if I didn’t repeat myself and make lists for my husband and manage him, nothing would ever get done. When he didn’t respond well, I came back with even sharper and louder orders, which never worked.
Bad idea–I know. It really cost me my dignity and self-esteem, and it sure cost me intimacy and connection with my husband.
I didn’t like the sound of my own sarcasm and whining. It wasn’t attractive–even to me. I knew I was driving him away, and I was terrified I was going to end up alone if I didn’t stop.
Truth be told, I didn’t even want to be around myself because I sounded so screechy all the time.
1. Here’s the big, dark secret we naggers all have:
We’re super lonely, sad and afraid. Otherwise, we wouldn’t nag.
I was so overwhelmed and anxious I couldn’t relax. So I was tired most of the time and that made everything seem wrong and bad. So I tried to fix it…with more nagging.
You can see where this is headed.
It was just as miserable for me to be a nag as it was for my husband to be the naggee.
But for years, I had no idea how to stop.
2. What Doesn’t Work to Get Your Wife to Stop Nagging
I know nagging seems irrational and it’s certainly infuriating.
You’ve probably tried telling your wife to relax and quit worrying so much because everything will be fine. You told her you loved her and you just want her to be happy. Maybe you said, “Just let it go.”
But that didn’t work. It never does. It’s not just you. That only makes things worse.
When you couldn’t take it anymore, maybe you told her to “Give it a rest,” or just, “Stop nagging me!” Perhaps you’ve said, “Get off my back!” or just turned up the volume on the TV and tuned her out.
That didn’t work either.
If it did, you wouldn’t be reading this blog.
I know you want her to know that if she would just stop nagging, you’d be able to do so much more to make her happy–just about anything, really.
You’d probably be buying her flowers, or cleaning the garage, or taking the kids out for the morning so she can sleep if she’d just give you a chance.
And yes–you’d probably like to watch the game in peace, or go golfing without feeling like a jerk for being gone all morning, or wear what you wanted to wear to the party.
In other words, everyone would be so much happier if she would just chill out and stop barking orders.
3. What Can a Husband Do?
All my books and blogs (with the exception of this one) are for women, but I get some heartbreaking emails from men wanting to know how to get their wives to read my book, and asking if I have a book for them too. They tell me they have two boys or three teenagers, and they’ve been married for decades and that things are grim. They’re searching for some way to shore up the relationship because they’re afraid the end is near.
Mostly the husbands who write to me want to know how to make their marriages peaceful again. Mostly that comes down to wanting to know how to get their wives to stop nagging.
I have a world-famous system that puts an end to nagging–as long as the wife comes to me asking for help with her relationship. Usually she is looking for help with getting her husband to change, which is a perfectly good starting point. If she wants to learn how to end the cycle of feeling like his mother and become his lover again, or awaken his natural desire to make her ridiculously happy again, we’re all good, because that’s what we do around here. That’s what we’re really good at.
Her husband does change just as soon as she starts using my Six Intimacy SkillsTM, even if he doesn’t know she’s using them. She changes and then he responds to her differently.
And by differently, I mean way, way better.
When a husband contacts me, wanting to know how to get his wife to change, that’s another story. Wives are the keepers of the relationships, so men don’t have as much power to improve them. But he does have the power to introduce her to books and training that change everything.
And by change everything, I mean make it way, way better.
4. My World-Famous System to Stop Nagging
I created a system that helped me stop nagging and controlling. It’s pretty simple, but it takes some focus to apply. Over 150,000 women all over the world in 16 languages and 27 countries have found it astonishingly effective. It will work for your wife too.
Now you’re wondering, how do I get my wife to use your system?
I’m going to tell you what’s worked for others so you can follow the same steps. Proceed with caution, as it’s a little tricky and there are some pitfalls, but it can absolutely be done. I’ve had women come and train with me at the highest level to become a relationship coach and transform their whole families after her husband introduced her to my work via a $16 book. She took it from there and ran with it.
As a husband, your goal is just to open the door and let her walk through if she wants to.
5. She Wants to Be Desired, Cherished and Adored Every Day
The goal is for her to become willing to read my book, The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets, for Attracting Your Husband’s Times, Attention and Affection. If you try to force it on her, she won’t ever be able to read it. Never, ever, ever. Just like you can’t get yourself to clean the garage after she tells you that you promised you would and asks when you’re going to start.
Human nature is contrary. We might as well acknowledge that before we start anything so you don’t make that door you’re trying to open impossible to walk through.
Also, nothing good is going to come of bringing this book up when she’s upset. The middle of a fight is not the time. And what you don’t want to say under any circumstance is, “You should read this book;” that would be controlling.
Once you do that, it’s game over. Might as well go back to getting nagged for not cleaning the garage.
6. Instead of Making a Suggestion or a Request, Create Curiosity
Buy a paperback copy of my book, The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets, for Attracting Your Husband’s Times, Attention and Affection. I suggest a paperback, even if you’re all ebooks at your house because what you want to do is create intrigue and for that, you’re going to need a visual, like a paperback.
Maybe my book The Surrendered Wife is the one that attracted your attention, but that title is hard for many women to accept (even though it’s NOT about being subservient or obedient, many people assume that it is).
Start reading The Empowered Wife around the house. Leave it folded open on the coffee table or by the bed where she might see it. Allow some time for her to comment or inquire about it. I suggest at least two months.
It’s really aimed at women, but one section I recommend also for men is page 75, Listening 101. You have my permission to start there and end there. The goal is really for your wife to read this book since it’s designed to show her how to use her strengths and gifts as a woman.
If she comments about the book in any way, consider saying something provocative but sincere about it (that won’t be hard because it is provocative).
For instance, you might say you heard about it on the radio or came across it on a blog, and that you found the premise surprising but spot-on. Or maybe counterintuitive, but compelling. Be sure to use your own words, but use words that will make her want to know more. You know your wife very well, so say what you think will pique her interest, and do your best to stay detached from the outcome.
You can invite her in further by saying, “I’m curious what you would think of it,” if you think it’s a good idea.
If two months go by and she hasn’t brought up the book and things don’t seem to be improving at your house, when she next complains about you or the relationship, I suggest you say something like this:
“I’m glad you brought that up. I want to improve our relationship too, so I looked for a book that could help and I found an interesting one–very different from most relationship advice. I’m not sure what you would think of it, or if you’re willing to read it. If there’s a book you want me to read, I’m open to that. We’re pretty smart and I bet we can improve things around here if we put our minds to it.”
That’s it–you’re done. If she runs with it, miracles will happen. If she doesn’t, then I know of nothing more you can do. Any further attempts will be like barring the door to the book with steel reinforcements. If you mention the book in an angry moment, you could create enormous resistance that could take years for her to overcome.
So mum’s the word. Let her find her own way, in her own time.
Some people will read this blog and say I’m encouraging manipulation, but a careful reading will demonstrate that everything in this blog is about speaking for yourself, which is the opposite of manipulation. It’s also about being considerate of human nature, and what makes people feel emotionally safe, which is a critical component of intimacy and connection. It’s about introducing new ideas in a thoughtful way.
I hope that you get that I’m passionate about supporting you and your wife having a great relationship, and getting all the blessings that come along with that.
I’ve wrestled with this question for over 15 years, because of heartbreaking emails from thousands of husbands who all wanted to know the same thing: “How do I get my wife to read your book?”
Once she reads the book, your wife may get quiet about what she’s doing (because that’s what I suggest). She doesn’t need to consult with you to practice the contents and create a breathtaking change in your home. You’ll know that something’s different.
And by different, I mean way, way better.
34 replies on “How to Get Your Wife to Stop Nagging”
I find it very funny and not surprising that I am the 1st person to comment on this topic. It seems to me that the women flocked to the other topics to comment. Apparently the men did not flock to this one, this no comments from them! I’m a woman, so my comment doesn’t even count since this was aimed at men. The reason I find this funny is because I’ve been reading and rereading a copy of The Empowered Wife and have been hiding it from my husband. In fact, one chapter into the book when I realized I had been bamboozled, I made a book cover so he wouldn’t even be kind of intriqued. Of course, I bought it because I thought for sure it was a book about how to control my man into adoring me. LOL. Joke is on me! I will in no way EVER let him know I read and reread this book. I purchased it after listening to you speak on Jenny McCarthy. It was just what I needed during a time when I thought I was the only one ‘awake’ in my marriage. Now I see, in an effort to ignore all the nagging, criticizing and complaining, my husband has been fake sleeping for years. I can NEVER let him see this book lest I hear a huge, ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ from my husband. Upon completing it the 1st time, I promptly badgered my best friend into reading it so that she can hold me (and I her) accountable. Now, how can I get to CA, and stay 3 days to attend the seminar without tipping my hand?
Theresa, I got a good chuckle out of this post because I related to it SO MUCH! I too was looking for a way to control my man into adoring me, and instead, it turns out I was the one who needed to work on myself! Ha! I also remember badgering my friends to try the Intimacy Skills because I was abstaining from badgering my husband and I had to badger someone.
So here’s the future (as if I know–of course I don’t–but let’s just pretend I do for a minute). Your husband is NOT going to say, “I TOLD YOU SO!” He’s not going to say much of anything because although he definitely knows something is up, he’s just happy he can make you happy again and he doesn’t want to wreck it in any way. At least, that’s what I see commonly. As wives we want to know what happened, what’s different, what changed. Husbands just seem to be happy it’s better and they don’t pry much
As far as the retreat, you could express a pure desire: “I want to go to a women’s retreat in California for three days.” See what he says. He probably won’t ask for details. They usually don’t. But if he does you could say, “It’s a training on how I can be more respectful to you.”
I don’t know if you saw the quote at the bottom of the CherishedforLifeRetreat.com page where Vanessa said, “I want to go to the retreat” and her husband said, “Do it!” and transferred money to cover the cost. She came and it changed her life and now she’s training to be a coach and is inspiring everyone with her transformation.
I hope I get to meet you in person in September–and your best friend too. She’s not going to get out of this unscathed either, right?
Thanks for the good laugh!
Tell Laura to contact me ,I’m hurting, but I have an idea for men
Gerard, please send your idea to me at [email protected]. I’m open.
I’ve been married for about a year and have two step-kids (12 and 9) to boot. My wife works graveyard shift for her job in the health field. Right now I do remote, contract work from home. I feel like my wife is nagging me all the time for the same stuff she is/isn’t doing around the house. When she does this to me, it seems very hypocritical. I react very defensively and irrationally because it’s too much for me to handle. We are both starting to act resentful towards each other. She made the choices to work graveyard shift in the health field, have two kids, and divorce her ex-husband. I do a fair amount of things with/for the kids because their dad provides financial support but provides little to no emotional support. I do almost all of the family cooking, wash my own clothes, do the recycling, take out the garbage, etc. but none of it seems to be enough. She seems depressed (will never admit it though) and dresses frumpy almost all of the time. She doesn’t try to flirt or seduce me and then gets upset when I’m not interested or in the mood. Is there any help here?
Paul, Sorry to hear about the nagging at your house. Sounds like she’s got a good husband and has forgotten that you want to be her hero.
I can really relate to your wife and I think she and I probably have a lot in common in terms of not knowing how to take responsibility for our own enjoyment. I promise it’s no fun to be where she is–it’s lonely and overwhelming and exhausting. If she was interested in learning The Six Intimacy Skills I’m confident it would be transformative for everyone in the family, absolutely. The challenge is how to spark her interest. If you’re willing to do an experiment and follow the suggestions in this blog there’s a chance it will inspire her, and I’m here to support her further if I can be of service.
If you think she would like to go away for the weekend for a refresher, you could offer to send her to the Cherished for Life Weekend, which I promise will be a life-changing, joyful three days for her. You can find out more about it here:
I feel you pain I deal with some of these similar issues. My wife is 10yrs older than me 49yrs. old and has a long drive to work on top of a 8 hr desk job. I can tell you its seems your wife is just over tired from the job stand point and i’m sure would prefer a job with better hrs. but please try to not be resentful when she complains it could be from so many other issues. She could be taking things out on you because of her ex- husband, or upset cause you get to work from home, or maybe the job is getting to her etc… any way don’t give in yet continue the good fight and do your part.
Hi Laura — I gave my wife your book and she did read it, but she felt blamed as if I was insinuating by having her read your book that our marriage issues are her fault.
But if a wife has read your book and didn’t resonate with its message, then what? We are on the brink of divorce and I am very very tired of the litany of behaviors she’s doing that you’ve documented so well (not engaging in self-care and expecting me to somehow “make” her happy instead, complaining, nagging, saying that I am the root of the relationship issues we have, not respecting me in many different ways).
Is there anything else I as a man can try?
Matt, Yikes, sounds very hard and painful. I still remember what that was like. I’m sorry to hear. I’d love to be able to meet your wife in person and empower her with The Six Intimacy Skills. What if you offer to send her to the Cherished for Life Weekend in September for her own enjoyment, relaxation and to celebrate and rediscover her feminine gifts? That way it’s not about you making her wrong. It’s about you giving her a present that you thought she would enjoy. I promise she’ll leave being more inspired to be the woman you fell in love with.
You can read about the Cherished for Life Weekend here:
I have these same issues also, my wife doesn’t what to help herself or really make an honest effort to improve things, she relys on me to do that.
Mike, Sorry to hear! Have you tried to introduce her to the book? How did that go?
Ma’am, I have read some of your topics and now your blog. Even though you seem insightful on the female side,would you be able to help on the male side? I am currently seeking counseling for us, but your views now have me skeptical. Much like the females that you are directing to help, there are as many men who seek the same. Any guidance for us seeking help and redemption will help.
Jose, Thanks for the sweet blog comment. As far as help for men, the kind of help I suggest is in this very blog–invite her to read my book, or send her to the Cherished for Life Weekend as a gift. If she gets the Intimacy Skills, your life will improve dramatically. Women are the keepers of the relationship.
That might be true but this suggests women do all the changing. In my opinion only recommending the husband to let his wife read a book is a missed opportunity. I believe most men could do with a lot of insight how to share duties in the house / with the kids. When he lifts her heavy load the nagging will also transform into respect and affection. Im sorry that this blog is not helping men and in connection their wives.
agree. I love all the helpful hints for women, for sure. They are good. BUT men need help, too. In this day and age, good men want to take some ownership in the marriage and its success. The “women only” doing the work is for a former generation. Even today’s older men are aware of changing perspectives and want to make a contribution.
What do you recommend for a wife whose husband quit his high paying job over 2 and a half years ago and is still not back to work? I feel whenever I periodically start to lose my mind over the situation (we are just a few months away from needing to tap our retirement savings at penalty) he doubles down and becomes more passive/aggressive and does not look for anything. When he quit he did not tell me ahead of time. I would have more compassion had he been laid off. We went through this once before 9 months into our marriage when the company he was working for was bought by another company and he knew it was a matter of time before he would be laid off. That ended up being a 20 month sabbatical. This time around (married 18 years) we are at month 31. I am teaching pt-time in a Catholic school and make very little money. I have a very sick mother in a nursing home and we have a 14 year old daughter in 9th grade. I try my best not to nag but it is becoming more frequent that I lose my cool over the situation. His salary at his previous job was more than 10x what I earn. My job is physically intense-teaching 400 1st-8th grades/ 16 classes over Mon/Tues/Wed every week. I have had numerous health issues since I tool the job 4 years ago and believe much of the health issues are stress related due to my husband not working. He is a very good husband other than this huge issue. I do not want a divorce but feel at times I just wish I could run away. His father died 3 years ago after a brief battle with cancer. They thought he had several years with it but things changed suddenly in less than a year. My own parents have battled dementia which began 20 years ago for my dad (now deceased) and now my mom has it and doesn’t really know me anymore. I believe it is a mid life crisis and I try to be supportive but he will not talk to me about any of his feelings. I am stuck in this because I do not earn enough to leave. I don’t want to leave. I just want the guy with the common sense whom I married to show up again.
Marie, I can so relate to your situation, as that was a recurring theme at my house where I was making all the money and my husband was out of work. I hated it, and I can see why you do too! But the good news is that this is solvable. You can regain peace and that guy you married will come back. Get your hands on the book, The Empowered Wife, which is available as an audio book if that’s easier for you. You can read a free chapter here:
I’m glad to have found your blog and your recommendation for reading. I’m at my wit’s end here: married 22 years, but enough is enough. My wife has many great qualities, but her criticism and passive aggressive control are omnipresent. She’s learned from the best — her mother takes the cake. Example: having just moved into our dream house, a 5600-square-foot beauty on the bank of a river, her mother’s first comment on her first visit was, “That couch is crooked. You should straighten it.” The bickering just sucks the life out of you, and 98% of it DOESN’T MATTER. Virtually none of the stuff my wife really criticizes is meaningful; it’s simply there.
It’s not just me, either. My son may never really gain back the confidence he’s ceded to my wife to placate her. I feel guilty that I’ve allowed it to happen.
Anyway, I’m going to give your book a shot. It certainly can’t hurt. Thanks for posting.
PS: I assume the ‘First Kill All the Counselors’ phrase means that your advice is somewhat counter to what marriage counselors typically advise. I must say, our trip through marriage counselling a couple of years ago was laughable and has become something of a running joke with us. We were spending tens of dollars per hour to have a woman help us fight about whether I should take out the trash before it filled up or after it was already full. The counselor did not care to probe as to why my wife wanted to argue about something like that. In fairness, she also facilitated arguments about some of my hangups, but the point is that the counselor showed no desire to uncover how these petty disagreements could be put away. It seemed that she was there only to provide a forum for my wife and I to air our grievances one by one. That kind of silliness will foster a fair amount of cynicism, and I hope that your book will go in a completely different direction.
I am the “husband” among two of us. In two weeks, it will be our 6th year official wedding anniversary. The title of your book “The Surrendered Wife” on the internet caught my attention like a magnet for obvious reasons of course. It could have been totally opposite if I was the other better half that I would have looked for “The Surrendered Husband” instead.
Honestly speaking, when I read online the first chapter of your book, I literally cried. First time in many years, I had little bit of hope that it can be fixed. I tried looking for that book everywhere in the nearby bookstores but could not find one. Finally decided that I will buy it online and ordered one from UK and it is being delivered.
But I had that thing lurking at the back of my head that how I will get her to read it. So I started reading more of your blogs and landed on this blog of yours. Exactly the information I was looking for. Half way through your blog, I ordered “The Empowered Wife” and hoping that it will make it soon and I will give it a try as per your expert advice…
For our anniversary, I am planning to give her a nice morning surprise (a cake, a card, flowers and a gift (Originally the plan was your book “The Surrendered Wife”, and you can tell how desperate I am) but now that I have read your blog, I have changed my mind and will have to think something else??? (Suggestions welcome)
Will keep the first book “The Surrendered Wife” away for my own reading until seeing the result of “The Empowered Wife” which I surely will share with all of you here.
Please wish me luck as I really need it so badly…
Thanks. thanks. thanks. thanks x millions…
ManInLoveWithHisWife, I love your name and your vulnerability, and I truly admire how committed you are to restoring the intimacy in your marriage. Happy 6th anniversary! It sounds like it will be with all the surprises up your sleeve! What a fortuitous time to introduce the 6 Intimacy Skills! I wish you all the best as you inspire her to take an interest.
I likke what i read
You mention page 75 in your book above, but I have the kindle version — can you say what the chapter /section/ headline/ sentence is to start reading, please?
Hi Miles, it’s the section “Listening 101” in Chapter 8. I admire your commitment and am standing for your vision of your beloved getting on board with restoring the intimacy in your relationship.
Happy reading (and listening)!
I work full time and my stay at home wife doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t want to do ANYTHING when i get home after work. And I want time to do NOTHING on weekends too. I don’t want to do chores and fix broken locks and rehang doors and stuff in my spare time everyday. It is as if she expects me to work 2 full time jobs and thinks i am lazy for wanting down time. I honestly don’t want to hear any turn around about how this is HER wanting attention and blah blah blah HER needs because its obvious to me that this is her ignoring mine. I dread coming home now because I know after a grueling day in the office I have to come home to a grueling evening of either being b****ed at all night or slogging away at menial labor chores around the house until its time for bed. what the hell am i supposed to do?
I’m a 33 year old male. Never married and no children so I’m not on the level of these people here. But honestly… I’ve wanted to be
I met a very timid but successful girl my age last year. No kids either and eventually hoped…
Well… Maybe… A family.
She reminded me of how it felt to be outcast and my heart always went out to her. We were together only half of last year but I haven’t been the same since.
I also work many jobs just to avoid my own feelings that Im not doing enough.
I don’t like the word nagging.
But I guess thats what she began doing the more I worked. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am and to feel like I have my own life in order.
I couldn’t handle the… Nagging. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t work hard enough. I couldn’t l*ve her well enough. I couldn’t make her happy and had only originally stayed because it hurt her if I left
It hurt me. I wanted her to be proud of me.
I hurt her feelings and it devastated me. I still am whenever I think of it.
I need help understanding “nagging”. I feel like I don’t do it to women and if I did they’d be just as hurt as it makes me feel when done to me. It’d be labeled as abusive and controlling…
Because… It is those things. And I have been singled out if I react in kind.
I take it as a sign she’s not attracted to me, I’m hurting her, and I should just go, but women don’t seem to want that either.
If I want a family someday then I’ll never be able to leave and will have to learn to deal with it. Why can’t I be good enough after they get what they want and have me? I dont need and dont like it when a girl does anything at all for me.
Just if she wants me to begin with I don’t want to break a girls heart and leave. Then eventually I want to be there for her in the way she needs… So once all that investment gets me hooked on being there for her and I then feel something in return (women seem to have feelings off the bat. I tend to just be there out of a romantic empathy for her feelings. At least until that’s caused enough investment and I start wondering if she accepts ME.
I want to know how once that happens and I need her acceptance in return…
1. If that’s even okay.
2. Once that happens how can I continue to be the one to make her smile?
Thank you Laura,
Hi Laura…I ordered your book and it’ll take about 10 days to get here. I actually ordered it for my daughter, she’s always at her new husband and it’s driving us crazy. I can’t imagine how frustrated he must feel being the target of her criticism!? I’m going to read the book myself and then somehow introduce it to my daughter. They live 16 hours away from us so we only get to see them a couple times a year. Is there anything, ANYTHING I could share with my daughter right now to help her break the intense critical loop she can’t seem to break?! My husband and I are now arguing over our daughter’s behaviour! Please help with some simple advice so we can begin to help her while waiting for your book to arrive…?!
im scared to even try to do this my wife has anxiety and to be honest so do I. if i was to suggest her to read this she will go off on me she has never been one to except responsibility for anything when it comes to faults. i know im far from perfect but she refuses to ever take responsibility for anything and my 13 year old daughter is the same way
I don’t understand why 90% of your advice can’t apply to what men can do too. Self-care can equally apply to men who get wrapped up in the stress of work that they neglect themselves. Or getting more grateful for all the good things about their wife & recognize it more.
From what I read, most of what you write can be applied to men as well as women. Both people play in a relationship & many times we’re a mirror for the others behavior as you so fluently pointed out in your writings.
We are not married yet but we have a son together. She seems to be the controlling type and she nags a lot about every little thing.now I don’t have the confidence to help her in any chores just because she things everything must go just according to how she wants it forgetting we were raised in different ways.i am exhausted already in as much as I try to help because I too love home chores.what baffles me most is how she constantly threatens me with “we are done”over every little thing. Sometimes I advice her to read books about relationships, that it is the woman who makes a home.but she says,if I am not willing to do as she says she will continue to nag and never respect me.she once told me one of her biggest problem is stubbornness and it cost her her past relationships but She can be nice if she wants to. Please Here is my question how do I manage her? Is it gonna be a healthy relationship in the future cause I believe these are huge signs to quit.
Interesting, married 44 years, never knew nagging was an actual problem, like alcoholism where the person had to reconise it to get help. I took my wife’s nagging as part of life. Till lately, when I realized a lovely day within minutes turned into arguments and the atmosphere become hostile. Even after having explained a situation she brought up, the same situation would resurrect in a different manner. This would continue for days and the mood would become a rollercoaster, not knowing when this would get into a full blown out arguments. This has been going on for nearly 6 years. Yes, today it has reached it’s peak, hence through Google, I read your blog. So will try when both are tempers have come dow to earth, and when both of us out on a happy day out, will send her some snapshots I took of your blog. I bet she doesn’t know she is nagging and that is a serious problem. She has said it was for my benfit and that she was helping me. Thanks Ron.
Heavy (sigh)…this was my comment from my wife when I mentioned I’m reading this blog…”I’m not surprised you go with Laura Doyle. She totally enables men…try looking at Gottman…teaches men how to be men. Both genders…sorry it should never just be on the woman. Have a great day!! Pout & hold grudges all you want & pretend to be a God fearing man but your gonna get out of our marriage what you put into it. Make sense??”…
Pray for me and our marriage.
“Wives are the keepers of the relationships, so men don’t have as much power to improve them. ” What if you’re both women? It takes two to tango, and both parties have to pitch in to make the relationship work. Both my girlfriend and I work and do chores around the house. She still nags me constantly. Dirty secret is, I’ve already been cleaning before she ever gets home, so it’s not like I never pitch in. It never is enough. I used to just do whatever she said to “nip it in the bud” so to speak, but that turned into getting bossed around pretty quickly. She gets what she wants, but what I want (rest and downtime after working two jobs) doesn’t happen, because I’m always on duty. I tried to compromise with her and offered to do a set number of tasks that she felt were most important. That way, I could at least finish the work I have to do and then rest. She told me to just “clean up whatever I make messy” which could be twenty tiny jobs, depending on what she feels like. Also, “messy” is very subjective. I told her to be more specific, and she just got upset. I tried to tell her not to give me a bunch of little things to do whenever we get home, and she just cries, saying she’s a bad girlfriend and nothing changes. I understand that we do live in a creaky, old fixer-upper that needs a lot of work. I understand her family has very high-standards and are critical of her and her home, and this stresses her out a lot. I’ve tried everything. I work my ass of for her. I have tried to compromise. I’ve tried the “I feel” statements instead of making accusations of her being “bossy.” Nothing has changed. Every conversation we have about it just hurts her feelings. I don’t know what else to do. I love her so much, but it makes me feel like she doesn’t give a damn about me.
Wait, what???? When women come to you with complaints about their husbands, you (wisely) advise them that they can’t change their spouses, only themselves. You tell women to work on themselves and that their husbands will then respond to them better. When men come to you with complaints about their wives, you tell them to……..try to change their wives? Doesn’t that smack of the control you are always warning women about? Am I missing something???
I wished I had read this before. Didn’t know that there was another Dr Laura, but both of you say the same thing, the woman has the power in the relationship. I read a good book about arguing, written by a lawyer, and he says that love relationships work in reverse. You say much the same thing, the more you try to control, the more the other person will rebel. I had a very nagging wife, she thought that *itchy women get what they want, so she was impossible to live with. She wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t afford. Sadly, your advice is too late for my marriage, but I can use your insight moving forward