My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me
Why It’s Not What You Think and How to Solve the Real Problem
One of the most common problems I hear from wives is, “My husband is not attracted to me anymore.”
It’s always heartbreaking because I remember how lousy that felt.
Like me, these women usually think the problem is either that she married the wrong guy or that her weight, her age, or her post-baby body has made her less beautiful.
And it’s painful to think you don’t look good enough to get a pat on the butt or bedroom eyes anymore.
But how she looks is simply not the issue. Nor is it that she married the wrong guy.
Those weren’t the problems in my marriage when my husband was acting repulsed instead of attracted to me.
Something else entirely was going on, and it was a huge relief to finally discover it and get those butt pats and bedroom eyes back.
The problem was actually pretty simple to fix and had so many other benefits for me.
1) I Stopped Acting Like His Mother
As you already know, men are not sexually attracted to their mothers. And they aren’t sexually attracted to women (even supermodels!) who act like their mothers, either.
Unfortunately, that was exactly who I had unwittingly become in the early years of our marriage: his mom.
I didn’t think it was so bad to buy his underwear or remind him not to forget his wallet or tell him that he was watching too much TV or that it was time to get some chores done.
It seemed fine to me—helpful, actually.
I even joked with friends about it, making comments like, “I have one child. He’s 37.”
I didn’t see anything wrong with that because I knew lots of other women who were the same way.
As I kvetched with my friends, we all agreed that we had to treat our husbands like children because they acted like children.
One friend told me how she had to inform her husband that there was a big building near their house where he could buy food. “It’s called a grocery store,” she told him.
Another one had to tell her husband when it was time to get a haircut. She said she had to “lay down the law” about it.
Still another made all of her husband’s doctor and dentist appointments, and woke him up to go to work—like a human alarm clock.
So I figured taking care of my husband was just part of being a wife.
But it wasn’t long before he seemed to be avoiding me. And that really hurt.
I felt lonely and rejected.
In some ways, I wasn’t very attracted to him either––just as mothers aren’t sexually attracted to their sons.
I was also resentful about having to do everything for him. I wondered why he couldn’t be more helpful.
2) I Became His Lover Again
Besides assuming I wasn’t physically attractive, I also figured he had changed.
But looking back now, I can see that I didn’t act like his mom when we were dating.
Back in those glory days, I was flirting, laughing at his jokes, smiling at him, thanking him for taking me out, and admiring him.
And he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.
So maybe he wasn’t the one who changed.
I hadn’t realized that acting like his mother and being his lover were mutually exclusive, but now I know that they are.
3) I Got Out of His Way and Decided to Trust Him
Even with this realization, I couldn’t figure out how to resign from my maternal role in our marriage, even though I had volunteered for it.
I thought that if I stopped being responsible for everything he would have holey underwear, never go to the doctor, watch too much TV, and let the trash pile up endlessly.
But I chose to experiment anyway because I was so exhausted and lonely.
He is a grown man, totally capable at work, so I had to believe there was a possibility that he could manage the things I’d taken over––even though it didn’t seem like it to me at the time.
So I decided I wouldn’t do anything for him that he could do for himself.
Sure enough, that’s when my husband stepped up and took care of business like the grown man he is.
Only, he didn’t do it the way I would have done things.
I was tempted to tell him why my way was better, but when I did, that just got me back into the dreaded mom role.
What I really wanted was to be his lover again.
So I stopped doing things for him and teaching him how to do them. I treated him like he didn’t need any help.
And a funny thing happened. He started to pat my butt again and make bedroom eyes at me.
Now that I don’t mother my husband anymore, he’s back to stealing a kiss whenever he can. He’s attracted to me again.
It’s not just me. Thousands of women who have decided they’d rather be their husband’s lover than his mother have had the same experience of the passion coming back and being as hot as ever.
Do you find yourself tempted to mother your husband? Is it worth the cost?
What are you doing for him that he could be doing for himself? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Hi! I’m Laura.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.