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How To Ask For What You Want In A Relationship

Expressing your desires is a deliciously fun skill because its rewards are two-fold. First it teaches you how to respond to the subtle yearnings of your own happiness, then it doubles back and gives you the connection, passion and intimacy you crave.

By knowing what your heart wants and saying yes to it, you hold yourself in the highest regard. When you share those wants and desires with others you are basically saying to yourself and them, “Wow, this is who I really am. ”

For many of the women on our relationship coaching calls this is the first time they’ve ever revealed their whole selves to another person because it’s the first time they’ve admitted their desires to themselves. This kind of self-acceptance is the key to experiencing intimacy. The next step is learning how to ask for what you want in a relationship.

This is a deeply inspiring place for women to live and it transforms the lives of those who practice it. It’s what attracts the amazing boyfriend, transforms the relationship you’re already in and brings marriages back from the brink.

Learning how to express your desires is the purest way of being true to yourself, and when you’re living it, is a quality that is irresistible…and inspiring.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

3 replies on “How To Ask For What You Want In A Relationship”

Dear Laura,
I hope you find the time to drop me a few lines in response to this. I do not know how you find the time, but you seem to always do, for which I thank you sincerely.
I have a BIG problem expressing my desires. I bought your second book “The Empowered Wife” as you advised me to and whenever I read it I feel calm and content. I understand and agree with all of the things I have read so far, but I am having a hard time putting them into practice. I am afraid that I will not be able to put them through. Here is why:
1. I think that my desires are obvious and I do not say them, at least not in a way that anybody understands. Last night me and my husband had a fight over what to watch on TV. There was nothing good and I came across something that caught my eye. But in just a glimpse my husband decided that the film was boring and wanted me to change the channel. I was furious. I got mad at him and turned off the TV. He cannot physically stand my pouting any more and wanted to talk to me about this. He said what you say in your book – that if I said I wanted to watch this film he could have agreed to do so, but I do not think that I should point out something that is so obvious. If I didn’t want to watch it I would have moved on to the next channel. Whenever I hear the opinion of anybody on whatever I tend to please them and do what THEY want. I am not used to saying what I want. I think that if I don’t conform with other people’s desires they will not be happy and I will not have a good relationship with them. I am a people pleaser. I always put everyone else’s desires above mine because I think otherwise I will be selfish. I don’t know how to change that even a bit.
2. The second reason I do this is because my father acts the same way. He often says “I do not want anything” and I’ve picked up this habit of his and I have said those exact words myself probably more than a dozen times, but I made the exercize with the wish list from your book and it turned out that I had a whole page of wishes and desires – 26 to be exact. That is far from not wanting anything and I feel the hypocrisy of that statement and I don’t like being hypocritical at all.
3. The third reason I cannot say what I want is that I am afraid to do so. It may sound silly but it is true. I have said or implied my desires a million times about million things, but nobody seems to care about fulfilling them or at least it has been thus so far. I realize that I may be also to blame about this, but I suck at expressing myself. I do’t know why. When I write everything is OK, but when I speak my thoughts become too jumbled.
Anyway, I would love to hear from you if you have any advice on the matter – especially when it comes to watching films and movies because I end up watching a lot of things I do not want to watch because my husband asks me to and always insists on watching together. I would love to read what you have to say about this.
Best wishes,

Laura, what should I do if I express a desire and my husband invalidates it? As in, “I would love (fill in the blank)” and he responds with “no, you would hate that.”

Jillian, that sounds so frustrating! Expressing your desire and being invalidated is really discouraging and disappointing.

Kudos to you for reaching out for support with this. I would love to invite you back to the Ridiculously Happy Wife when you’re ready. We even have a Mother’s Day special for you. You deserve to be validated and supported, and for your desires to inspire!

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