Can You Be Feminine and Feminist?
What if you want to be able to have every opportunity to do your life’s work and earn what you’re worth for doing it, but you don’t want to be identified as an angry woman who rails against the patriarchy and doesn’t shave her armpits?
Should you call yourself a feminist?
And what if you also want to wear sparkly necklaces and be womanly while you’re kicking butt in your career? Is that going to make you less competitive in the work world?
In other words, what if you want to be feminine and soft, yet still fulfill your earning and career goals?
Can that be done? And if so, how? What does that even look like?
In my experience, it’s not only possible, it’s the only way to truly succeed–if by succeed, you also include having a gratifying relationship.
I’m gonna assume that’s what you mean, because who doesn’t want that?
Here are 3 ways to flourish as a feminine feminist:
Contents
1. Honor Your Feminine Gifts
If you try to succeed by acting like a man–even though you don’t know how to be a man–that’s going to be stressful.
It’s hard to succeed when you’re a round peg in a square hole. You can’t even be yourself.
That can make you cranky, and maybe even start to seem like that angry, unpleasant type of feminist we’ve all heard so much about.
As a woman, you’re going to show up differently in the workplace than a man would because you are different, and that’s often a benefit to your clients or your employer.
Imagine if Ella Fitzgerald had tried to sing like Louis Armstrong. She wouldn’t have been able to do it very well, but she would have robbed us all of the pleasure of her gifts as a singer, which were completely different than Louis’s awesome pipes.
You’re different than the men at work too, and I don’t just mean your size and shape.
I mean you as a woman have unique gifts to contribute, like emotional brilliance, for example.
You’re better at knowing how you feel and expressing it than men are.
That emotional brilliance can give you an edge in nurturing the relationships with your team, vendors and clients.
It’s a great quality for a leader to have.
So instead of just acting like a smaller, curvier man, celebrate your own feminine strengths and use them to lead the project or the team to the finish line.
2. Stop Managing When Work is Done
One of the best things that ever happened to me professionally was getting married.
I recommend it for all working women.
It gives me so many advantages in the work world, including having another great mind to help me analyze and address challenges and make decisions; financial backing that helps me take more risks, a sounding board, an admirer when I feel discouraged, and hugs and kisses when everything goes kablooey.
My husband also published my first book and shoots and edits all of my videos. So the list of extraordinary benefits goes on and on.
But before I realized I had feminine gifts, being married didn’t seem that advantageous, professionally.
That’s because my husband seemed hostile and distant most of the time.
The problem was that I was trying to manage my husband like a project or a team member at work, and husbands don’t like to be managed.
They resist it mightily, in my experience.
So learning to turn off managerial Laura when the working day was done and put on my soft, feminine hat when I was with my husband was incredibly helpful for me personally and professionally.
It restored the connection in my marriage, which resulted in me showing up for my work with so much more to give because I stopped wasting all my energy on a struggling relationship.
Shortly after I had gotten the hang of changing my hat, I became a New York Times bestselling author, and went on national TV shows like Dateline, Today, The View and Good Morning America.
That’s how much it helped me professionally to take off my work hat when the working day was done.
3. Express Your Desires Instead of Being Assertive or Complaining
When Sheryl Sandburg famously told everyone they should stop calling little girls “bossy” because it would inhibit them from asserting themselves as leaders in the future, I winced.
First of all, I didn’t like being told what to do, even if it’s about not calling people names. Who does?
It also sounded a lot like a complaint, and implied that telling other people what to do has something to do with leadership.
It doesn’t.
Nobody is inspiring when they complain or tell you what to do—sorry, Sheryl.
The most effective way to get a group of people to work vigorously toward a common goal is with inspiration.
One great way to inspire people is by tapping into your desires and expressing them purely—with no criticism, control or complaint.
And since desire is the seat of feminine power, learning to express your desires in a way that inspires those around you could just change the world.
Here’s what I mean.
Assertiveness says, “I’ve been waiting for your report for over a week, and it’s holding up this project. I need you to get it done by tomorrow.”
Desire says, “I’m excited to deliver the finished project because I think the client is going to love it. Your part of the project is so valuable, and I would love to see your recommendations.”
Which one is more inspiring?
Being feminine at work means speaking from your desires instead of telling people what to do.
A feminist might say, “It’s unfair that women don’t make equal pay for equal work and we have to put an end to that!”
A feminine feminist might express a desire, “I’m committed to doing a great job, and I would love to make $XX (what I deserve) for that work.”
It takes a little focus at first, but once you get the hang of it, you’ll love how it feels to be a feminine feminist.
20 replies on “Can You Be Feminine and Feminist?”
I had no idea your husband shot your videos and published your books. I am working hard at having my husband support me in my similar mission to end divorce and encourage marriage.
Can husband encourage any of this in their wives? When I read your book, I was amazed how well you described what we are looking for. But my wife will have none of it (mind you she bought the book!)
Is there anything I can do to help her be more in touch with her feminine self?
Josh, Thanks for the compliment! Sorry to hear your wife is not excited about the material in my book. Which book did you read? I have a new one that might help a lot. Also your timing is good because the Cherished for Life Weekend in Costa Mesa, CA is coming up on September 23-25. Maybe you could send her to it as a present. That would inspire her to a new possibility for herself, and also she’d have a great time and feel refreshed. You can read more about it here:
http://cherishedforlife.com/
Hi Laura thanks for the great article! My marriage has been alright lately as I’ve been trying to practice some of the 6 intimacy skills. But the other day i did something small to upset my husband and he exploded on me by yelling at me. I became defensive and told him that i won’t listen to him if he keeps his voice raised and he kept going and i walked away from him. He was even more furious and was still talking to me when i returned to the room and u ignored him. Anyway that was 3 days ago and we’re still not talking to eachother. I asked him something yesterday and he told me that he didn’t like how i didn’t listen to him when he was trying to make a point to me. I didn’t say anything cos i was so angry with him for being so oblivious to his side of the problem. After the 3 days i am feeling like i want to move on and get back to old times but the old me wants to have a “talk” with him about how his yelling and raising his voice with me when he’s upset with me is just not acceptable to me. So how do I make up with him after our fight and yet I want to let him know to treat me better next time. Thanks
JD, Sorry to hear about the cold war at your house. I still remember how painful those are. I hear you want to make your husband be accountable for his part of the breakdown. I’ve never figured out a way to do that. But I have noticed I can create a peaceful, playful, passionate relationship when I take responsibility for cleaning my side of the street. In each moment you get to decide what you want more–to try to control or to have intimacy. You’re the expert on your life.
You might enjoy my free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I love this – it’s completely possible to be feminine and a feminist. I’m currently doing my PhD in Aerospace Engineering, which the ranty feminists would have you believe that it’s a man’s world and you have to be a man to succeed. (side question – how many of these feminazis are actually engineers and how many did womens/gender studies at college instead?)
I wear dresses, I have pink everything – books, pencil case, desktop background, even graphs in my journal papers. Even my mug on my desk is a Little Miss Princess mug. And do you know how many of the guys have said that I’m not a real engineer or that I’ll never make it because everything is pink? None. In fact, it’s the women that have been critical of it.
So it is possible to be feminine and feminist at work, just watch out for all the other women out there who disapprove.
Dear Laura,
I stumbled upon your page while doing a research on marriage counselling. The difference between assertiveness and desire makes sense and I always have spoke with assertiveness, Im just realizing….my marriage is in a bad place right now with two young ones (3 yr and 1 yr old) on the line. Hubby admits to having fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else. I feel like it might be too late for anything. The mom side of me says keep trying but the hurt woman side says why hold onto a man who doesnt want you?
Sorry Im babbling…i dont know if there is any hope any more…
Lostandconfused, Sorry to hear about how much hurt you’re experiencing in your marriage. I still remember how awful that felt! This is going to sound really strange but I felt excited reading your comment because of all that’s in store for you if you decide to revitalize your marriage and become your best self by practicing the Six Intimacy Skills. It’s a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything, and my broken marriage was the door I walked through the get there. You’re in the same spot, and I’m rooting for you to have it all–the intimacy, dignity, peace, joy and freedom that are on the other side of the waterfall of fear. Here’s hoping you run through that waterfall and get all the goods!
Consider reading or listening to The Empowered Wife, which lays out the Intimacy Skill step-by-step. It’s not too late, I promise. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
I recently found myself in a similar situation. When we decided staying together would be best for the kids, I started searching for help, as I didn’t want to just be cordial for the sake of the kids anymore. I wanted a wonderful relationship. I read and started using the 6 Intimacy Skills, and within 3 days, I could feel a difference…and so could he! He made the comment(something to the effect of)–I don’t know what you are doing, but it’s like I’m under your control. He meant this in a good way, like Laura’s saying–The man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck and determines which way the head will turn. The following week, he told me to keep doing what I was doing. We have been getting along great and spending a lot of time together. This other woman has become pretty insignificant. He has not seen her in 6 weeks, and he does not plan to. I have worked really hard to remember that I am the only one I can change, I can choose how I show up in my marriage, and whining, crying and begging won’t get the result I desire. (Sorry that these are not quoted exactly). The 6 intimacy skills have been easy to implement. Trying not to focus on the other woman has been really hard, but when I find myself worrying, I reread those little quotes. Throughout these 8 weeks, I have reread Laura’s book 2 more times as a refresher/reminder. I am truly living the change her book says will happen if you follow the 6 Intimacy Skills. Good luck to you!
DR, Congratulations! I admire your courage and commitment to your relationship very much. This makes my day!
DR
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Im going through a very dark time bu your story gives me light. I hope to be successful like you..
Laura,
Great stuff here! Could you talk more about what you do when working WITH your husband? I can “take my work hat off” and totally shift gears with my guy at home, but in instances when he’s consulted for my business it has been very hard to say, “Whatever you think, Honey.” What do I do?
Emily, I can relate to how challenging it can be to work with your husband! At first, I just didn’t work with him because I wanted to be his wife and lover most of all, and I couldn’t figure out how to have both. These days I still stay out of his business for that very reason! But he helps a LOT with mine and I lean on my Six Intimacy Skills all the time because that helps me be respectful and still honor my desires. When he makes a suggestion that doesn’t fit for me, I have to keep digging and figure out what it is I want that went missing in his idea and then express it without criticism or control. That’s how we negotiate–he does the thinking, I do the desiring until we come to a solution. We both win! It’s contributed greatly to my success and happiness in my work.
I’m actually curious to know, what if you want specific goals to be met for your business, but the idea he proposes for that is quite stupid/ experts don’t suggest that/is a scam, how would you make him change his mind without mentioning where he went wrong? Would you just go along with his bad idea anyway? Even if it ends up causing a huge loss? Do you follow this for every little thing he asks you to do? Or do you sometimes stand your ground and go with what you want?
Zara, you sounds really clear on what you want, which is so empowering. The idea of having to stuff your desires sounds scary and not very empowering! I love your curiosity about how to practice the Skills. Here’s a post on working with your spouse that can help. If you want more support for your situation, just let us know at laura@lauradoyle.org. We’d love to give you the tools to honor your vision AND actually create intimacy while you’re at it!
Really love this article very thought provoking. Thank you.
Wow! Laura, This is great stuff. I love reading your books and this is amazing, and have grown tremendously from their profound messages. I am currently operating as author, program director and publisher of some books. My husband does pitch in, and for a long time I have been struggling with finding a balance of appreciating his help, asking for his assistance and yet not being very overpowering. I printed out these tips and will place them in my work folder. I believe they will enhance my work and relationships. It seems so surreal yet so amazingly exciting. I am looking forward to implementing, and becoming a greater feminine feminist!!
Zippy, That’s awesome! It is super exciting to tap into my feminine gifts at home and at work. I think you’ll love it!
Its marvellous your blogs Laura and your books.
But my husband came back to drinking and i was very very afraid.
Your counsels are very good but not all man can be the same results.
I dont know what i do…if give time between us or to continúe.
Thanks for your very good books and counselLaura.
Mercedes a
Mercedes, That sounds rough that your husband is back to drinking. I can imagine how scary that must be. Sounds like you’re wanting to separate, and I can understand that, but part of you wants to stay together too, and I respect that too. I know there has been a lot of magic in choosing my faith over my fear every day, a hundred times a day. I would love to see you get some support with that as it can be pretty tricky to do it all alone.