Getting Over Being Cheated On

Getting Over Being Cheated On

3 Specific Ways You Can Recover and Be Better than Ever

Getting cheated on is ridiculously painful.

It’s a betrayal that hurts like crazy and seems like it could be impossible to recover from–personally, and as a couple.

I mean, how could he?

It’s human to want to make him hurt too, and to yell and throw things. It’s irresistible to berate him.

From crying in your ice cream to asking your sister, “How could he do this to me?” your husband’s affair can take up a lot of room in your head.

You’ll find yourself desperately looking for relief from the sharp ache.

That’s when the doorway marked, “End this relationship!” will look incredibly appealing. It will seem like the fastest way to stop the same relentless thoughts from cycling in your head.

That’s just an illusion, though. The hurt won’t die with the end of the relationship. That’s the bad news.

The Good News: You can absolutely get past the cheating and have a vibrant relationship again. Click To Tweet

Here are 3 ways you can save your relationship by making it better than it’s been for a long time, along with the specific actions that will help you get there and end your suffering in the process.

1. At First, Do Nothing

Before the infidelity, you didn’t want this relationship to end.

Of course you didn’t! You’re the good person who was honoring your commitment to your one and only, before you realized you were married to a lying, rotten, cheater-pants who crushed your hopes and dreams.

He could still be a good guy, believe it or not.

Even though it seems like everything has changed, you still don’t really want the relationship to end.

That doesn’t make you a sucker; it makes you committed. I admire that.

Great things are on the other side of this pain, and commitment will help you get there.

It’s likely that your marriage has been on fire for a while. What’s changed is that you can’t ignore the flames and smoke anymore.

You’re still married to the man you chose, and in whom you saw the potential for a long and happy life together.

And even though there’s been a big breakdown, he’s still that same man.

Your primary motivation for kicking him to the curb right now would be because you want him to hurt.

You could argue that you’re motivated by self-respect—that you want him to know that it’s not okay to cheat on you and that there are consequences, but what you really mean is, “That rat has to pay!”

From one mere mortal woman to another, I understand why you feel that way.

Here’s the problem. Since your fate—your finances, your family, your friends—are bound together with his, that’s the same as making yourself pay. It won’t lessen your pain one iota—it will increase it.

His suffering will be inseparable from your own. Save yourself from being where the heavy boomerang will inevitably land by marshaling all the restraint you possibly can.

Certainly, things are going to have to change, but your relationship status doesn’t have to be one of them.

Commit to moping for a while, definitely. Don’t let anyone out-mope you!

Let your feelings of humiliation, fury and abandonment rise to the surface and have their day in the sun—but consider having them with someone other than your man.

I know it’s counterintuitive, but consider delaying any big decisions, speeches and confrontations for a time when you’ve recovered from the shock.

It could be a while.

The longer, the better.

I’m not suggesting you sweep this under the rug, but I am suggesting that I know of no benefit to crying, screaming and yelling at your betrayer other than catharsis—and you can get that somewhere else for a lot less.

You won’t always feel that you want your husband to hurt.

Hesitating now could save you years of misery.

So step 1, doing nothing at first, may not feel like a step at all. But it’s a big one, a wise one, and it can be done.

It’s exactly what I see women who have come out of infidelity with shiny, happy marriages do.

2. Accept What You Can’t Control

Maybe your husband is still cheating, right this minute, as you read this line. He may see her at work, be texting her, or be in a hotel with her right now.

If only you could make him stop, you’re sure that would be such a relief from your agony.

If you knew he would never do it again for sure, that would make it so much easier to trust him again.

The problem is that’s not at all in your control. And trying to tell him what to do at this point is going to drive him further into her arms—not yours.

Same with begging, pleading, crying, reasoning or threatening him. It all does the opposite of what you want it to do. Plus, it’s pretty exhausting.

Even if you could make him stop by demanding it, it wouldn’t mean much. You want him to choose you because he wants you—not because you said you’d kick him out otherwise.

Crazy as it sounds, once he knows you don’t like it at all, not one bit—which he already does at this point, I’m sure—there’s not one thing left to say to him regarding his mistress.

You can’t control their relationship, but you can use your tremendous influence and power to attract him back to you alone.

Every second you spend thinking about her—looking for signs that she’s still in the picture, checking his phone or his social media—is a precious second you lost from creating the future you want with your husband. Plus, it’s going to rip open the wound all over again.

So for now, the mistress may be meddling. But since what you focus on increases, consider putting your focus anywhere but on her.

Instead, consider focusing on what you have control over, which is how you show up in your marriage.

Are you the flirty, magnetic, happy woman you were when you fell in love? If not, take some time to go and find her again and make sure your husband gets to see that side of you.

He found you irresistible before, and he will again if you are consistently the way you were when you fell in love.

3. Decide to Trust Him Again

You may wonder how you’ll ever be able to trust him again.

The answer is to pretend that you do trust him, even though it seems pretty obvious right now that you can’t.

I had to stretch to do this myself with my husband—not around being faithful, but around paying the bills, which was where I had the least amount of trust in him at the time.

It took all my might. But I learned that the only way you can ever trust someone is because you decide to trust them.

Trusting doesn’t include checking up on someone to make sure they’re behaving. That’s the definition of doubting and mistrust.

Trusting can involve wrestling with your own doubts in the night, or taking them to a third party—not the person you’re trusting.

It doesn’t mean you won’t ever get hurt again.
 
You might.
 
So why on earth would you decide to trust again?
 
Being in a perpetual state of doubt is exhausting and painful, for one thing.
 
And since there are only two real options: accepting or rejecting (and rejecting means that you leave–not stay and complain or tolerate) I prefer to save my energy and avoid Needless Emotional Turmoil (NET).
 
But I’ve discovered that the best reason of all to decide trust my husband is because…
 
Choosing my faith instead of my fear dramatically improves my chances that I’ll experience the outcome I’m wanting.
 
It’s like the part in the Serenity Prayer that references “the courage to change the things I can.”
 
Sure it’s scary as heck sometimes. But as Ambrose Redmoon wrote, “Courage is not the absence of fear but the decision that something else is more important.”
 
For today, are you deciding to trust your husband or to doubt him?

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81 thoughts on “Getting Over Being Cheated On”

  1. I want to believe you so much.

    For a man, Is sexual addiction different than having a mistress?

    The pain and fear of him cheating over and over is almost unbearable.

    Reply
    • Marcia, Sounds like he’s cheated at least once already–sorry to hear. That’s painful for sure. I hear different definitions for the term sexual addiction, so for me the distinction I focus on is whether he is capable of being faithful. If you’re married, then I’m confident that you know the answer already in your gut. Even if you’re not married, your man has told you who he is, about his character. If he’s not capable of being faithful, that’s a divorce I endorse because you’re not safe. However, that is NOT the case in most of the marriages I hear about where an affair has happened or is still happening. The affair is his completely inappropriate response to other problems in the marriage. I’m not saying it’s okay, but I am saying that that kind of breakdown is recoverable and solvable with The 6 Intimacy Skills.

      Reply
    • Thank you for this. I needed this so much. My husband had an affair for 3 months and I recently just found out. I’m struggling so much. He wants to work on it and we are going to counseling which is helping. Things have been better than they have been for awhile ironically. My biggest problem is that he works with her. He’s applied for a different position but unlikely to get it. I’m praying he does because if not I don’t know if I can deal anymore. I’m a nurse and have had to take stress leave due to not being able to focus on anything other than what kind of interaction are they having at work and how often. I’m obsessing over this still and it’s been 11 weeks. I feel like I’m going crazy. I know it’s his choices and I have to learn to trust him but with her in his face everyday my anxiety is thru the roof. How can I manage this? Even though he is with me not her I feel like she still wins. I can’t get her or the affair out of my head. Help.

      Reply
      • Kelly, Wow, that is rough! I get why you’re struggling with the endless loop in your head about your husband’s co-worker. It sounds like you’d like to find the button to pause that obsessing and get back to feeling trusting and connected to your husband. This is completely solvable, but it’s a longer conversation than a blog response allows for. I get it. I’d love to see you get some support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine how best to get you out of your current agony and back into feeling secure and confident about your relationship. You can apply for that here:
        https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

        Reply
  2. This was exactly what I needed to read today. I caught my husband of 21 years flirting with his co worker. She was emailing him and texting him telling him all the things he needed to hear for an ego boost. I flipped and definitely pushed him to her more. Checked his phone and email constantly, still occasionally do. 6 months ago I found out they sexted while he was on a business trip. I flipped and supposedly it has ended but they still work together so I don’t think it will ever be truly over. I’m still fighting for my marriage but I’m not sure if I can ever trust him again. It’s always on my mind seeing that she still works 10 yards away from him daily. How do you stop worrying about that?

    Reply
    • Amy, So sorry to hear about your husband flirting and sexting with a co-worker. So painful! And I get that it’s sent you on an endless worry loop that you’re having a hard time interrupting. That’s pretty typical. But I also hear your desire to focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, and for that I would recommend you consider a complimentary discovery call. There really is such a thing as moving past this and having it get small while the connection and intimacy in your marriage gets bigger and stronger. To have a conversation about how to make that happen, consider applying for a discovery call here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
    • Amy-I’m kind of in the same boat! My husband of 20 years also worked with this woman! Mine is brand new, just found out, & I have no idea how to deal with it except to go to God & give it all to HIM!!!!!! I’m so sorry your going thru this too & will be praying for you as well! 🙂

      Reply
      • Michelle, I’m so sorry to hear about your recent heartbreak! What a generous response to another woman in your same boat even while you must be hurting so much.

        I’d love to see you get some support, so I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call so you can talk to one of my coaches and determine the best next move for your 20 year marriage. Something beautiful can come from this, hard as that is to see right now. I want that for you!

        Reply
      • My husband of 30 yrs in 2016 somewhere in the summer months started cheating. On my birthday January 2017 he told me we did not have much of a future and he thought me wanted to move. He gave me all kinds of reason e veto that he started a relationship with a woman that knew me that works at his place of employment. I never could put my finger on exactly was going on because he lied as he laid next to me in our be and would block intimacy but would periodically engage. He move out to our other house in Sept 2017. Still communicating with me daily. I was not sleeping and because I believe the Holy Spirit incline me to go to the house, I thought to be with him I arrive and he was not there. I went in and got in the bed anyway. This was about 4:00am. He came in about 7:00 am that’s when my life the even worse turn. He confessed to the affair, I went in his messenger and found out who it was because he did not want to tell me. He moved back home. He had only Ben gone about 4 day. It’s been 4 months now. We talked openly for the first couple months. Now he says he moved on not wallowing and I need to do the say. I went to therapy to protect myself and my job as I could focus and my productivity was suffering. He will not go to counseling but did allow one of our pastors to come by on a couple occasions. I am still seceure. Better but still insecure as he goes to work and sees this person everyday. He says we are fine and will be fine. Each time I feel better he seems to be distant or distracted but says it’s me. I want my husband better that we were before. I want to trust and believe we’re ok.!

        Reply
  3. and so what excuse do you make for not sleeping with him but not wanting her STD’s, when you know he isn’t wearing a condom- if you aren’t confronting him?
    How do you stop from feeling ridiculous flirting with a man who has no interest in being intimate with you?
    If I’m going to live a lie, I had better be pretty convincing doing it or the consequences are the same as an outright confrontation.
    Thanks for your help, Laura.

    Reply
    • Kathy, Great questions. Sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Sounds like you’ve lost the security of having unprotected, monogamous sex with your husband and that’s a huge loss. Yikes. It sounds like maybe your husband doesn’t know that you know he’s cheating? Is that right? That ridiculous feeling you’re describing that you feel when you’re flirting with him is vulnerability and it is not a comfortable feeling by definition. It takes a lot of courage to do that, and you are risking rejection. One of my favorite quotes is from Ambrose Redmoon, who said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision that something else is more important.” Flirting with him would be making that decision and overriding the fear.

      I think this deserves a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call with one of my coaches to uncover the best thing you can do for your relationship here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
  4. This was so good!!!! Thank you! & in Gods perfect timing as I just found out Sunday night my husband was cheating on me! 🙁 We are both believers & I know God can do something amazing with this but it’s still so hard! Thx for the great advice & so far this is exactly what I’ve been doing!??

    Reply
    • Michelle, Wow! You sound incredibly focused and committed, and I admire that. I know how much pain you must be in too, and I’m impressed that you’re choosing your faith over your fear–deciding to make the future better instead of focusing on resentment and anger. I think you’ll be really glad you made that choice. If you have not yet had a complimentary discovery call, I encourage you to consider applying for one to discovery the best next step for your relationship. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
  5. Hi Laura,

    This is exactly where I am right now! I found out 5 months ago that my husband had a relationship with another woman for 7 years. We have been together for 25 years. Its not the first time, he had a one night stand 6 weeks after we got married 13 years ago.

    I have been through hell and back recently, the affair/ relationship is now over, i know this. He is remorseful and we are both in therapy. I have decided to give this a chance, for now. I haven’t made any quick decisions. I know that i cannot control his behaviour, only he can do that. There was a lot wrong in our marriage, I knew for a while that there was something not quite right, I had confronted him on a couple of occasions and he had denied anything was going on. It wasn’t until he left his job ( she was a colleague) that i finally confronted him – he came clean.

    I am now in the position of waiting – working on myself is a big part of this. He has chosen me for a reason but i am hyper vigilant at the moment. He is getting counselling to attempt to discover why he behaved in that way – this is his stuff, not mine. I know his behaviour is his business – which sounds very pragmatic but i have tot think of it this way. Im hurting, yes. Badly.

    I dont trust him at all but his behaviour is changing. I try not to scrutinise ever comment, every action but to concentrate on forwards instead of the past, i know I can’t change that but i can influence the future. I have given myself a year to see if I can feel better about this in some way.
    Its hard , some days are worse than others. I get triggered by the smallest of things – i have to drive past her house every day on the way to work.

    Im so angry that I am in this position but am trying to focus on the positives. I sometimes feel like I’m letting myself down,after all , last time i went through this i promised myself, never again. What i didn’t do last time was look after myself, i buried my head in the sand, glossed over it and as a couple we didn’t address it tin the proper way.
    I know I’m not to blame for this but i had some part in it. The more i though something was going win, the more i pulled away from him, the more his relationship with her flourished. I didn’t have the courage to persist in addressing what was wrong.

    Im learning every day, your blogs help me to focus on being me, the same me that he fell in love with. I am trying to regain a sense of self and my own being.
    I have fluctuating hope in all this. I have learnt a lot about myself recently, i hope it continues.

    SK

    Reply
    • SK, Good for you for focusing on yourself. That’s where the magic is, in my experience. And I definitely hear the hurt and pain too–so sorry you’re going through this again. I can’t help but be excited for you though, because it sounds like your marriage wasn’t all that you deserve before, and that’s what I want for you–intimacy, passion, playfulness and connection. Have you read The Empowered Wife yet? You’d find it so valuable.

      I admire your courage and commitment! Hang in there. You’re right to be hopeful, and human to fluctuate with it. I’ve seen situations just like yours have a very happy ending.

      I’d also encourage you to consider a complimentary discovery call, which you can apply for here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
  6. Laura, this is great, hopeful, practical advice. Challenging to put into practice, but the other options (unending resentment or divorce) are as you point out, as painful for the wife as the affair itself.

    I’m saving this one!

    Love, Julie

    Reply
    • Julie! So great to hear from you! 🙂 I’m looking forward to seeing you in person soon. I love the way you phrase this. The option of undending resentment and divorce are piling the pain on for the wife–not making her life happier. And yes it’s challenging to put into practice for sure–but not impossible.

      Reply
  7. I have read several of your articles & enjoyed them, finding helpful insight. However, I cannot say the same for this one. I was shocked to read that pushing feelings of hurt, pain & distrust aside to give your cheating spouse flirty, happy wife is your answer to an affair. Let’s all go back to the perfect 1950’s house wife persona while we’re at it & never voice our feelings or opinions & let the man rule the roost. Very disappointed in the content of this article

    Reply
    • Kelly, I hear your disappointment about this article, and I’m guessing that means you’ve been in this painful situation, and that I’ve kicked up some of the agony around it. I’m sorry for that. I can see why you wouldn’t want to just push feelings of pain, hurt and distrust down, and that’s not what I would recommend either. I’m a big advocate for giving every feeling it’s day in the sun. And when the feeling is anger, hurt and distrust, I suggest airing it with a friend or a coach who is not one of the primary players in the situation. Of course you get to air your feelings and opinions whenever you see fit. I’m suggesting that airing resentment and anger at him may not be as gratifying as it appears but is very expensive in terms of hurting the intimacy and connection and your own dignity. The path I’m describing is the one back to happily ever after–I’m shining a light on that possibility. If that’s your intention or desire, the suggestions in this post might be helpful. Either way, you are the expert on your own life and you know what’s best for you. I trust you’ll do what you know is best.

      Reply
      • Laura, I appreciate your response to this, in a way, as my objections to this article are similar. It is true, we are our own experts of our stories.

        But I would actually argue that sharing your feelings WITH the offending spouse is ESSENTIAL to the intimacy needed to truly see a marriage not just restored but rebuilt. The reason my marriage is not only recovering but becoming something infinitely greater than it ever was IS because we have been working through the core emotions of this traumatic and devastating experience TOGETHER.

        And I’m not just choosing to trust him, he’s working daily to regain it as well.

        Reply
        • Kristine, I’m so happy to hear that your marriage is recovering and that your husband is working daily to regain it as well.

          It’s true that you are the expert on what’s best for your marriage, and certainly vulnerability is an indispensable ingredient for intimacy. Sometimes the anger and human urge to hurt back is so strong that it’s difficult to resist, but I’m guessing you brought a lot of maturity, accountability and self-control to those conversations. I admire that and it sounds like your husband does too.

          Reply
  8. I don’t normally comment and I normally love everything you have to say, but being a woman who has been cheated on…I’m here to tell you that it is impossible to be flirty and magical when you find out your husband is cheating on you. The idea of flirting with a man and trying to get his attention so he will hopefully stop cheating on you is a little nuts. It sounds like a great idea, but I’m pretty sure it’s completely impossible.

    Reply
    • Erin, Sorry to hear about what you went through with being cheated on. I get what you’re saying that it’s impossible to be flirty with a guy who has betrayed you like that. I see what you mean. The only reason I hold that up as a possibility is because…I’ve seen women who are being cheated on flirt with and bring their husbands back to them and them alone. I’m not saying it’s easy. It takes a lot of commitment and courage, absolutely. It can be tricky to do it by yourself. Having support–a coach and cheerleader who can remind you about your intentions and help you focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want–is incredibly valuable. But I get that you’ve been there and it didn’t seem possible, so point well taken.

      Reply
  9. I’m sad my comment got deleted, Laura.
    It really is a legitimate question…
    My guy doesn’t wear condoms. I have no problem seducing him and getting him into bed (the result of all this playful flirting, right?)
    How am I supposed to Not confront him, continue being playful and sexual and keep from getting her diseases?
    I can see the wisdom in your advice and have been “Acting” happy and unconcerned for so long, the charade might as well go on- but for how long do I leave myself exposed?
    I’d really love your input as I respect you and agree with your advice.

    Reply
    • Kathy, I didn’t delete your comment–I responded to it. I agree that having unprotected sex with a man who is cheating is a risk, and you might decide that you want him to wear a condom in that case. I totally get that. Are you saying that your husband doesn’t know that you know he is cheating?

      Have you had a complimentary discovery call? I think you would find it really valuable. You can apply for one here, to talk to one of my coaches about the best next move for your relationship:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
  10. We went thru infidelity a couple of years ago, I chose to stay because in my heart I knew that wasn’t who he really was. Its been hard. The day i decided to stay was the day I had to trust again. My faith in God is what lead to my decision, not to say that I havent replayed it over and over. He and i went thru a year of counseling together. I cought myself looking thru his phone this morning. I prayed that I would let it go and then there was your email. My message from God thru you Laura. I needed this in a most big way. Thank you very much

    Reply
  11. My husband cheated on me with someone at work, 5 years ago. I found out and confronted him, kicked him out and it was awful. However after a couple of weeks we got back together and were closer than ever and all was well. Fast forward 5 years and it’s messy again. My husband worked overseas for a year, coming home every few weeks and the kids and I visited him too. We decided that the distance was too hard and he came home. Within 1 month I had asked him to leave. We just could not get on and drove each other crazy. He left, and within a couple of weeks started a relationship with a friend that he worked with overseas. Again I found out and went crazy. He has told me that he loves me, I am the only one he wants to be with – but I kicked him out/didn’t want him. He did not want to be alone, so this lady was an attractive option. I realised what a big mistake I made. I have wrestled endlessly with my conscience as he has had 2 relationships now in our 25 year marriage. He maintains that he would never have been unfaithful if I had not asked him to leave. I think he could be weak and follows a pattern. My daughter (17) knows what has happened and does not want him to come back. However, we have been spending more time together, I know he loves me, I love him and he wants to come home. Trust is so hard, but my gut feeling is that it will be ok. I have been practicing the 6 intimacy skills, they work but are hard to remember! The biggest mistake hing that I have done is put myself first and practice self care daily, something I had not done for a long long time. That works !

    Reply
    • Debbie, I admire that you’re choosing your faith over your fear in revitalizing your 25 year marriage. I see the potential for your marriage to be amazing again now that you have the 6 Intimacy Skills. What a gift to your daughter. My parents divorced when I was 17 and it’s not something I’d wish on anybody. You can model for her what an intimate relationship looks like, and give yourself the gift of playfulness and passion. I know the two relationships are a painful memory, but I also hear you saying that you’re keeping your side of the street clean like never before, and in my experience, that’s where your power is.

      I’d love to see you get some support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
  12. My husband cheated almost 5 yrs ago. It was devastating. I was broken. I tried yelling, nagging, even I hit him once. Things started to get better when I gave up controlling. I was too tired. It was hard, but possible. I gave God the control and destiny of our marriage. I began to remember who I was before (happy, confident,etc). I also stopped checking on him. I went to counseling and prayed a lot. Slowly, the man I married came back. Now I can say we are a better couple that respect each other and are in love. As I look back I can say that our marriage was damaged and needed to be mend. God restored our marriage.

    Reply
    • Vanessa, Congratulations on restoring your marriage after an affair! I admire your courage and commitment. Sounds like there was a beautiful gift on the other side.

      Reply
  13. Noone talks about the constant cheater that is addicted to perverse things, like wanting a third party, men or women. Always asking for the extras and saying it’s his right as a husband to ask for it. When not given he goes out to other women. 2 children outside of our 27year marriage…he gets to be bitter and angry because I say no? I’m lost and broken. Feeling trapped.

    Reply
    • ReeRee, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through, and I agree that what you describe is perverse and I wouldn’t like that at all. From here, it does not sound like he meets any definition of a man who is capable of being faithful, so it’s a divorce I endorse. I can see why you feel lost, broken and trapped. I would too. That is crazy-making and I want so much more for you! You’ve put up with a lot and you’re not getting all that you deserve.

      Reply
  14. Thank you Laura. 2 years ago I discovered my husband was having an affair. Now looking back it was the result of me not following the 6 ways to intimacy, along with a mid life crisis, dying parents and life just being life!My instinct was to do exactly what you wrote. The next day, I got happy. I faked it till I made it. I stopped all criticism from my mouth. I wanted to fight for my marriage. save it. change myself. I didn’t confront him until 2 months later. I am so glad I waited. I felt calmer. more centred. My husband was all ready to pack his bags but he stayed. His affair ended and we worked towards being intimate with each other again. He was so undecided but I was able to get our relationship back from constant conflict to something quite sweet. He stayed at home for another year before he felt he needed to separate. I am so grateful for having this time to build our relationship. The night before he left we watched a movie and had a bath together. However, he did move out and move in with a new girlfriend. partly because he felt afraid that the bad times between us would come back. That was 6 months ago. It has been tough but I have enjoyed taking care of myself….i was pretty depleted after all. i use every possibly encounter with my husband to be vulnerable and happy. I hope we will get back together but I know we may not. I totally believe your tools are the right way. I have used them on my brother….who just bought me the most incredible birthday present…a man who never buys one! I have used them on colleagues and I am staggered by how effective they are. I was always a girl who acted like a man….just like my mum! now I see my sister making the same mistakes. I see things so differently now. Yesterday I had a lovely coffee and walk with my husband. I felt blessed that we get on so effortlessly. ..even he was surprised. I really noticed how he responded to my vulnerability and even reached out to grab my hand. Every time I get caught up in his life….the other woman…I turn my attention back to my life. It has not been easy. I have been through a huge change..and I do slip up. but I know it is working. I only discovered you after my husband moved out. I think it has given me an extra boost and guidance. I knew before I had to get happy in my life but I was not so great on self care. Thank you so much

    Reply
    • Julie, what a beautiful, vulnerable post! Thanks for sharing your story here and your incredible faith. I so admire that! It sounds like you’ve been through a painful challenge in your marriage and you’re staying hopeful and committed and focusing on your own happiness. You’re right that it’s not easy to do that. Sounds like you’ve had an awakening and you’re becoming a butterfly even in the difficult circumstances. I believe you can save your marriage and you’re on the right path to do so. Let me know how I can support you.

      Reply
  15. One never gets over being cheated on, imho. I defines ones, no matter how hard one tries to not. It changes who you are.

    Like a virgin & non, no going back …joining a club one never wanted to be a member of and never being able to give the membership up.

    30 yrs of what I thought a good marriage, the twilight of our years together. All our labor of love.

    He changed us, he changed me, he changed him, he changed our marriage… Nothing will be as, & I don’t like the new us. No longer are we Mr & Mrs. who were way aok… but now, Mr & Mrs. broken.

    I loved this guy & will never understand.

    Reply
    • Eileen, So sorry to hear about this betrayal in your 30 year marriage. Really heartbreaking! Sounds like it’s very big and consuming in your world right now, as it would be for anyone. This is where surrender kicks in for me. I don’t want to be stuck in traffic, or be Mr. & Mrs. broken, but I can’t change it. I can only control myself, and my attitude, and find what I’m grateful for. And that has restored me to a state of joy over time.

      Your grief will subside over time.This too shall pass. But in the meantime, I hear you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks!

      Reply
  16. Thank you Laura. I don’t know how you can help. You have helped so much.
    I just wanted to add. Looking back before my husband had his affair his complaints were …that he didn’t have control over money. I was being his mother and acting like his boss! uhmmmm. I think I just described someone not following any steps to intimacy! The great thing is my husband changed towards me when I changed. He has been in therapy dealing with some of his own issues. There is no doubt that we both still love each other but it is a question of if we can reunite, and obviously someone else is in his life. (someone who is very controlling!!!!?.)
    I agree with Eileen. After being broken it is hard to imagine a life back together or have faith in love and marriage but in many ways I feel I have been given an opportunity to learn something new. my relationships were always disasters. (my sister is on 5th long term relationship!…we come from a very bossy female line) Yes my view on love has been radically altered but perhaps that is a good thing. I had to decide to fight (I like to win) and change. I constantly change my mind but I always stick to my resolve. I don’t know what the answer is. i really wanted to see if i could find a different answer. Over time I get stronger. change takes time. My friends and family do not understand my position. I totally get the anger and betrayal. No matter what I come away a stronger and wiser person. With a good friendship with my husband.

    Reply
  17. Laura I find it very difficult now he keeps doing it again and again ana the worst thing now is his mistress is pregnant he told me before the pregnant that he will sort out until he impregnate her and now is still saying a will sort out but nothing is happening,challenge is too much he picks her calls in front of me and the way am seeng things he want to have 2 wives but I cant take it,I don’t want him anymore,he will lie to me that is going to work while is going to that woman house he spend more time with her and yet I have 4 children for him but is nothing to him that mistress have 2 kids for other 2 different men and my husband pregnant is number 3 am fed up

    Reply
  18. We have been married for nearly 17 years. We’ve had lots of ups and downs, some worse than others, but never anything that I thought would jeopardize our marriage. About 3 years ago, while we were having a really bad fight, he finally admitted to me that he had cheated on me several times throughout our marriage. At this time he was not having sex with me for weeks, rarely touching me and showing me no affection. I went into a deep depression and he continued to withdraw from me. I was so devastated and it made me feel like a fool for ever trusting him. All these years and I had been so naive believing his ridiculous excuses for being out all night and showing me no care. We talked about divorce, and finally came to a point where he asked for my forgiveness. He did this with the promise to never let it happen again. He became a Christian and dedicated himself to being a Godly husband and father to our 3 kids. However, stress of work and life has caused some changes in him recently, and although I forgave for the past infidelities, I find myself suspicious of his activities. I’m 7 months pregnant with our 4th child, and ever since he found out he has began to distance himself from me. It could be because I’m pregnant, he doesn’t even want to touch my belly. He rarely touches me at all. I’ve tried treating him the way I want to be treated, messages, kisses, bringing him gifts, but it is never reciprocated. He is only interested in sex 1-2 times a month, and it seems so cold. I try talking to him but he is silent. We both work at a College. I saw him helping a young woman a couple of days ago, and I got jealous, because he seemed so happy spending time with her, and they had clearly became friends. It feels like he doesn’t care about me or even like me at all. I’ve written him love letters which tell him how much I miss him, he has no mercy, he just goes on ignoring me. Now he has began to drink every chance that he gets, because he knows I won’t try to talk to him in that state of mind-it’s his escape. I am so lost and lonely.

    Reply
    • Joni, I’m sorry to hear about the distance and loneliness in your marriage. I still remember what that is like. And I can see why you would get jealous with the history of infidelity. That’s such a tough thing with three kids and one on the way. I’d love to see you get some support to help you create the kind of marriage you’re wanting–for you and your kids. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to talk to one of my coaches and figure out the best next step for your relationship. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  19. Thank you for you article Laura. I have been cheated (emotional cheating is still cheating) on by my fiancé. He and I are supposed to be getting married in September of this year. This is supposed to be one of the most exciting times of our lives with the planning and the parties and most importantly starting our life as a unit. I have been nothing but faithful and supportive to him. We have had issues and our relationship is no storybook. Last year I guess is when the issues started happening and it has all resulted from him having one too many drinks. In April he came home from a bar, his work had a going away party he came home drunk I questioned him because he said he was going to a restaurant and would be home by 11 (no I was not invited to this function) and he didn’t come strolling into the house until 2AM. He yelled, I yelled and it did end up with me getting hit multiple times. I left the house for the night let him sober up and I stayed in a hotel. Came back the next day and he had absolutely no idea what happened. I was angry I wouldn’t speak to him for days and finally told him that we have things to work on if he wants this to work. Yes I forgave him however I never forgot. July of last year I was a MOH in a wedding and he was drunk before the bride and groom said I do. Needless to say I had to uber him back to the hotel, miss a majority of the reception just so he wouldn’t fight with anyone at the wedding because he kept attempting to fight the groomsmen. 2 weeks later he again got completely drunk at his friends wedding who he was a groomsman for. some girl was flirting with him all night right in front of me. I felt like a helicopter fiancé trying to keep my cool. He refused to go home with me that night and apparently stayed in a friends hotel. I didn’t want to argue anymore with him. We talked very little that next morning and I finally brought up to him that his drinking is excessive especially with him not working and only going to school. I was completely supporting him at that time. I told him I was upset that he was drunk and flirting with some random girl and could not understand why she had arms around him and sitting on his lap right in front of me. Again after the talk I forgave him. Now this year April 9th I found out he cheated on me. He was drunk I felt something was not right and I decided to go through his phone. Terrible I know, but I had to know. We hadn’t been intimate in months. He wasn’t acting the same. I’ve given him everything. I have given him support physically, emotionally and financially. This is the man in supposed to marry why wouldn’t I provide that to him? He asked for photos of her, they would FaceTime, text message and call all while I was at work (I work 12 hour night shifts). My birthday was the weekend prior and she called him at 1AM twice he refused to pick up. He told me it was his childhood friend “TD”. I specially told him pick up! You haven’t talked to him and you want to invite him to the wedding. He was adamant and said “no im not calling back”. While he did that he text her saying “I can’t talk right now”. He put her number under his best friend’s name from childhood so I wouldn’t know it was a girl. They may or may not have met in a near by city after a basketball game. I’ll never know. I do know there was emotional cheating, there was intent. He claims All text, phone calls etc took place while he was drunk at home and had nothing better to do. Yes I confronted this girl and apparently she knew nothing about me. She claimed to be his friend since HS but if she really was how do you not know that we have been engaged for almost 2 years? The pictures hurt me. Wanting more of her hurt me. The pet names hurt me. I told him I made a commitment and so did he and now before a wedding he acted like he was a free man…Like commitment means nothing. He has made an effort as far as I know that he has not had anything to drink since then. He states hes “a good man and never wanted to hurt me”? He says he will tell me if she tries to contact him again. He said he was stressed and needed to talk to someone but my answer to that is you don’t go to someone else, flirt and ask for photos. You have a fiancé at home for all of that. I feel like an idiot. Til this day I hurt. Til this day I cry and I want to believe that he’s making an effort but I really don’t know. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I want to have a normal relationship.

    Reply
    • Andrea, I’m sorry to hear about all the very hurtful things that have gone on your relationship with your fiance. I’m a huge advocate for marriage, but my overriding concern after reading your post is that you’re not safe in this relationship. You describe him hitting you while drunk–that was a big headline of this post for me. He may also be incapable of being faithful. Of course it hurts that he’s secretly flirting and texting another woman. That’s not something I take lightly either.

      The wives I’ve worked with who are married to men who are not capable of being faithful always knew that before they married him. I hear you saying the same thing. You are the expert on your life and know what’s best for you. I think you deserve much better.

      Reply
  20. Help!! I have MS, I am in a wheelchair, and my husband is my caregiver. He’s a wonderful man who was lured into temptation roughly five years ago, and I don’t believe he resisted the desires of the flesh. However, he will not admit to this and denies any wrongdoing. I, too, am doing everything possible to keep my marriage intact and feel as though the Lord wants me to be there for my husband. Needless to say, I need my husband more than him he needs me and I am perplexed as to why he stays with me. I know he loves me and I guess that is reason enough for him to stay? Unfortunately, he thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage the way it is and I don’t like livIng as roommates. He sleeps in the spare bedroom and we haven’t had relations for at least four years. He declares he is impotent, yet he won’t let me find that out for myself. I’m lonesome for his loving arms and desire more affection, but it is difficult to do being disabled. The wheelchair always comes between us. I still have a strong desire for him physically and even though I would be able to satisfy his needs, he won’t let me. So I guess the writing is on the wall and everything is pointing to the fact that there is someone else who is reaping the benefits of my marriage, and I’m not sure what to do. Any help would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • Brenda, That does sound lonely. I wouldn’t like that either. I don’t know that it means there’s another woman. I definitely think there’s plenty you can do to revitalize your marriage and make it amazing again, and I hear that’s your desire. Have you read, The Empowered Wife? You would find it valuable. It completely changed my marriage for the better when I learned The 6 Intimacy Skills, which are laid out step-by-step in that book. You can do it, Brenda–being in a wheelchair won’t hold you back.

      Reply
  21. Laura,

    I needed these three things right now. My husband has an emotional connection over the phone with an old high school friend who was not a girlfriend during high school. She’s married with two kids and so is he. He said he stopped talking to her, I saw on the phone bill that they have not even though the phone conversations have become further apart. She lives in another state. I know she has been up here once with her 10 year old son and they met up one of the three days she was up here. March was a bad month for us we ended it he left for a week and at that time he charged a plane ticket to his credit card to see her. I just found it yesterday on the bill. He never went to visit her at the end of March like the credit card said. I am just mad, right now I think I should let it go, not bring it up and see if he keeps engaging with me. I just want him to really engage in our relationship and when he doesn’t it makes me think that he wants her. I get it he has lost the emotional connection to me. How do I go about getting that back. I am practicing the 6 intimacy skills but, he’s a shift worker so some days we do not see each other.

    Reply
    • Denise, I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone in your marriage, and that you’re left worrying about his high school friend, and that things feel so uncertain for the two of you. Sounds like a struggle right now.

      I’m also excited to hear you are practicing the Six Intimacy Skills! There’s so much hope that you will have everything you ever wanted in your marriage as you apply them. It can be tricky to do it all alone, so I’d love to see you get a complimentary discovery call to speak to one of my coaches about the best next move to make for your marriage. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  22. Laura, things are opposite for me. Because of my husband’s cheating I retaliated and chested as well. I regret it to no end. I had an affair with someone at my job that ended 7 years ago. My husband started working at my job about 6 months ago, but I told him about the affair and everything was fine until someone just went to him and told him something and embellished it. My husband is hurt and says he wants to end the marriage…any suggestions?

    Reply
    • Tonya, Wow, that is rough! Sorry to hear about the past getting brought up and your husband saying he wants to end the marriage as a result. I know this must be terrifying, but there is plenty you can do to turn this around. Just because he says that today doesn’t mean it’s definitely going to happen, in my experience. Have you read The Empowered Wife? That describes The Six Intimacy Skills step-by-step and will be incredibly valuable for you. I would also love to see you get support. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call here to have a conversation with one of my coaches about the best next move for your relationship.
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  23. My husband had an online affair for a few months, exactly a year ago. They were sending nude pics of each other and planning to get a room. He even had the balls to tell her that I check the bank account so he couldn’t pay. I found out through his Facebook messenger and confronted him. He said he missed the excitement. Because his daughter lives with us, it was hard to make him leave. Counseling didn’t help and he didn’t seem to want to do any of the work suggested. Things have been rough since then, up and down. I have been ready for divorce because it just wasn’t working. Funny since I have been trying to practice the skills, I’ve notice a huge change in him, and we have had sex again!

    Reply
    • Rachael, I’m so impressed! You’re a great example of what is possible after an affair. I know it must have been heartbreaking and infuriating to discover your husband’s betrayal and how much courage it must have taken to look into practicing The 6 Intimacy Skills when you were feeling so defeated. Your relationship will likely end up being better than it’s ever been. That’s what we see a lot around here.

      Thanks for sharing your success. Sounds like you’re doing just great, but if you want some additional support I think you’d love it. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  24. Hi
    How does a man get over his wife’s infidelity. We have been married nearly 20years and this is the third time she betrayed me after I have forgiven and learnt to trust her again. I feel like giving up but we have a child under 10 and I just don’t want him to suffer. I have read your 5 reasons its the wife’s reason she is divorcing and everything in there basically describes my wife. I have printed it off to give to her, but every time I try to talk to her she just shuts down or starts shouting. She met this guy on holiday last year in another country which he is unable to travel out of because of visa constraints. I guess a lot of it is an emotional affair but she has travelled once to see him. I am at my wits end and its making me ill. I’m convinced she is going through some sort of mid-life crisis and holds a lot of resentment against me. She tells me I’m controlling and suffocating her. I would describe myself as a good guy, family orientated and have always put my wife and family first. I love her to pieces and don’t wish for our marriage to end but I’m sure she is looking to move out so she has her freedom.
    Do you have any guidance for a man before I just give up. Her parents are divorced and they are also very upset at her actions. They divorced when my wife was 10-11 and I have said to her that I think she has commitment issues and is very much an attention seeker. I have said I would like to go to marriage therapy where it is done in a safe environment on a residential basis over 5 days, but so far she has refused. HELP

    Reply
  25. So, as I said above I’ve followed these steps……so when do you suggest starting to talking about what happened & what he’s feeling now???
    Btw, thanks for taking the time to respond to everyone!!!! 🙂

    Reply
    • Michelle, as I said above, I invite you to have a discovery call about it. It deserves a longer conversation.

      Reply
  26. 32 years and counting not quiet sure of counseling, people make up their own minds of the direction they are taking, if that be with another. I know of church people doing this, I just done see why but they do and are forgiven of any sins? Just saying

    Reply
  27. I’m about half-way through “The Empowered Wife” and I’ve tried to find scenarios/blog posts that fit my particular situation. In my marriage I’m the one with the “man” mentality if you will. It is my husband constantly nagging me to clean more, etc. I’m the one that always feels like I can never do whatever enough to please him. In almost every vignette in the book, it’s been the opposite where it’s the woman needing to let the man take the reigns. My husband has complete control over finances, the house, the decisions, etc. I’m the one who gets upset about lack of sex and gets fussed at for too much screen time. I’m having trouble finding your solutions to marriages like mine. My response is always, “whatever you think”…and always has been. Do you have any resources for when the roles are reversed like in my situation?

    Reply
    • Andrea, That sounds oppressive. I see what you mean about feeling like the roles are reversed. What’s interesting is that in my experience, all the Intimacy Skills still apply. Instead of trying to do enough to please him, focus on yourself and let him please YOU, for example. Use vulnerability to teach him how to treat you, turn up the respect and express your desires in a way that inspires.

      In other words, instead of focusing on how he needs to change (which is controlling), think about what is within your power to change and focus on that. The book will give you specific things to do, but if you want more support, I invite you to consider applying for a complimentary discovery call where you can uncover the best move for your marriage. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  28. Dear Laura,
    My heart break begins when I realized my husband was establishing an emotional affair with an old friend that has come back into his life. It has been painful seeing how he reached out to her and confided in her and talked to her in ways he has never talked to me. I feel like I have watched my husband fall in love with another women right in front of me. She is married and treats her husband much like my husband treats me. They are kind of kindred souls just opposite sexes. They did date when they were teenagers briefly, so I constantly hear of that when we are all together. The more I pulled them away they harder they moved to their friendship so I decided to be the better person and have a relationship as couples. But my husband almost gets jealous over us playing proper rolls and still looks for her approval. I believe he still turns to her for private consoling. Just like others, my anxiety over it is thru the roof and so much more to this story over the last few years, I fear I can go down this road again with him confiding in her…. He looks to her for social media, has to acknowledge her with everything possible, likes responses…. Hearts, emojis in a public forum that you would swear they were the married couple. Doesn’t send me the text nor the acknowledgements, nor looks at my posts most of the time or makes me feel like it is out of obligation. All the while, I sit watching him invest time in that relationship and not ours. I am gasping for air feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest…. Over…. And…. Over.

    Reply
  29. I found out my husband had a long term sexual/emotional affair with a co-worker. He still works with her and for a long time after discovery, they still emailed, texted together about work, her personal life, etc. & although the sexual part was over long ago, he never ended the emotional connection and insisted they were “just friends”.
    I was devastated when I found out about this by seeing his texts that said, “I love you so much, it hurts”, to her. After 30 years of marriage and 7 kids, I was devastated. I HAD noticed the physical and emotional distance in our marriage and had thought it was due to his work stress, but I had been somewhat nagging to him due to stress in raising kids, etc. It is very hard knowing he sees her every day at work. He now says his affair was a selfish mistake and was acting out like an immature little boy.
    I have shown my anger many times. This article helps me to see there may be a different way to act and behave now. If only I can do that. I have a hard time with this, though, if he still compares or has feelings for the other woman. Even so, I do know I need to work on myself. I will read more in your blog. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you.

    Reply
    • Mary, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband betraying you like that. So heartbreaking! The blogs will help but I’d love to see you get some support because I hate to see you suffer with this unnecessarily. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and uncover the best move you can make for your marriage. You can do that here:
      auradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching

      Reply
  30. My husband moved out and is seeing someone. He knows I want to work things out and comes to the house to see the kids and visit. I’ve been practicing what I’ve read in your book and it is helping, but he’s not ready to move back. I’ve come home a few times and he’s had dinner made and waiting. He tells me he loves me, and I still love him, but it hurts to know that he’s still with the other woman. Any advice on how to deal with it?

    Reply
    • Donna, I’m so sorry about the betrayal in your marriage. Super painful! You can solve this situation and put your family back together and better than ever with just the two of you again. Sounds like you’re going in the right direction. Consider getting the support of a coach. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to figure out the best move for your marriage. You can do that here:
      https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/

      Reply
  31. I’ve read all of the posts, and I was one who was unfaithful to my husband. I had an emotional affair with a co-worker, which many of you have shared about your relationships. I still have a difficult time even believing that I made the choices that I had made. At first, I thought it was just a “normal” co-worker friendship. It was light and easy. He was married, I was married, we shared about our families, what our family plans were for the weekend, etc. I told my husband about him, I wasn’t physically attracted to him, I was happy with my family life, and I loved my husband very much, so….no worries, right? WRONG. The “friendly” emails about what our families did over the weekend, started to open doors to conversations on if/when our spouse upset us, or what they didn’t do, or didn’t notice, and started to provide me validation that someone understood, someone who listened, cared to hear about my thoughts, and allowed for a selfish (ego-driven) hole to be filled. The black and white lines started to become gray. I loved my husband throughout this whole period. I thought (justified) what I was doing bc I was still loving my husband, taking care of my family, but, “he” (my husband) didn’t seem to notice or “care enough” to really hear or ‘see’ me. He didn’t hear my “I need more,” or ” I want more.” Or “You didn’t do this for me.” But, that my friends, is where I went wrong. Marriage is not about ME or I, it should have been about HIM—my husband. What could I do for my husband? What does he need from me? This affair has brought me to my knees. I feel so much shame and guilt, which I still carry every day. I have a difficult time sitting in silence with myself. How could I have done this? Why would I do this?
    My husband and I have gone through counseling. I left my job….that I LOVED…because I love my husband and family more. I allowed him to ask me whatever he needed to be answered. I opened myself to any and all privacy. I became completely transparent. And, he was open to that, but, I think because of that, he soon started to feel more in control and less anxious. whatever he needed. I was in. I wanted him. I always wanted him—

    My husband is one of the strongest men I know….the grace, mercy, and forgiveness is courageous. He has shown me true love and strength. God does restore. God is faithful, and He has the power to strengthen. As difficult as this has been for our marriage, it has brought us closer, and has opened my eyes to the person (wife and mother) that I want to be. An affair sheds light on areas of darkness in your marriage (as a person) that you may have not even realized was there or was willing to face— as a couple, or even within one.

    I had a hole in my life that I hadn’t ever faced. This has humbled me, and for that I am thankful. I wish I could have been able to draw nearer to God without hurting everyone that I have, but I know that bc I wasn’t listening to God, I fell into the person I never wanted to become…..a person I despised.

    I am truly sorry for all the pain, hurt, and betrayal that your spouses have brought to your heart. My offering through this post is God will not leave you. He will be faithful and get you through it. SATAN is the one dividing and wanting to see all of us divorced and miserable. God will give you guidance to make you stronger and together. Blessings to you all.

    Reply
    • I too was unfaithful to my husband. He has filed for divorce. But I would like to save my marriage. In seeing a counselor. And he said he would go to. But I feel he will never trust me again not really sure what to do or how to save this

      Reply
  32. Good post Laura you make some good points. When my husband cheated I left him. I was 4 months pregnant. No contact no phone calls nothing for 40 days straight. I prayed every night to get over him. God showed me the sin I was committing as well. I had put my husband first before him and before me. I worked on myself to become better and not be a doormat. My husband returned a changed man and hasnt cheated since. I think cutting a spouse off shows what you will and will not tolerate we teach people how to treat us.

    Reply
  33. Hi my husband was caught twice exchanging messages with another women and the second time I confronted him he decided to leave and he was adamant that they were just friends and it was all in jest. He left 4 months ago and has now said they have started seeing each other. He said he left because he was unhappy in the marriage and felt this way for a while and he wants a divorce. We have a 15 month old baby and that’s killing me enough let alone a house etc. I have read your book first kill the marriage counsellors and have started putting those things into practice. The book speaks about women who want to end marriages so will the strategies work when it’s the man who has left the marriage. I want nothing more than my husband to return home each day he is away I am scared he is getting closer to the other women

    Reply
  34. Hi. My husband and I have been marriage for 15 years. I thought we had the perfect marriage. One everyone dreamed of having. We had everything you could ever dream of. Then my husband cheated on me over a year ago with my best friend. A friend who was in the same circle of friends I have. Now not only am I completing for my husband’s attention, I also feel like I’m competing for friendships. We also hungout with their family all of the time. Doing things on the weekends together. Going on vacations together. I watched this affair go on right in front of my face but couldn’t prove it until I found a text message. He says he has told me everything and besides texting they only kissed once. I’ve been betrayed on both sides and I’m struggling daily with this. I’m not happy at all. He says he wants to be with me and he loves me but i I’m having a hard time believing him. I watched him follow this girl around totally smitten by her and I wish that was how he was with me. After wanting this for over a year I’m sure I’ll never get it. To make matters worse her daughter and my daughter were best friends. They’re still friends now but not as close. They play on the same basketball and softball teams so I have to see her regularly and it just brings all the hurt back. I just want to be happy again but I’m not sure I can. I’ve thought about leaving many times but I haven’t. None of my family knows about this so I’m dealing with everything by myself and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Please help!!

    Reply
  35. My partner of 2 Years has cheated on me with his ex who he already has a child with and has just given birth to a baby boy 5 days ago. I decided to try and make things work because he said it was a one time mistake. I thought my head had coped with it but after the birth I’m just all over the place. I don’t think it makes it better that I have fertility problems and he just doesn’t seem to understand from my point of view. I’m confused and just don’t know what to do!

    Reply
  36. Please help me Laura with your advice.I am married for 6 year’s,we have a little girl together,we had a nice life together.
    Things had started to be worse when he started to work as a trucker in Europe,he stays 6 week’s there and 2 week’s at home.
    Last year we had a fight and he left,and in january when he came home he told me that he wants us back. Everything was all right,till I founded out after one week he has returned to work that he is talking with another women,on internet.And the big problem is that he loves her,and she is in love with him also.She doesn’t know about me.
    How it is possible that in less than one month they are in love,they haven’t meet yet.
    I wanted to revenge on them,but no!I just want to fight for my husband and my family.I had clean my part off street,I know that I love him no matter what.
    He doesn’t know what to do,to chose her or to give us another chance?
    Please help me Laura,I have no money for couching,I had read your books,and I apply the six intimicy skill’s.
    I just want that they will never meet,and for us to be happy.
    Lots off love

    Reply
  37. Help, it’s two years since I found out about my husband of 27 years was in a year long affair, he stopped it immediately and is absolutely ashamed of himself and has tried so hard to make me feel loved and on the whole we are good BUT I’ve seen text messages he sent to her and her replies, he had said so many beautiful things to her, we were talking the other day and I said you know you can compliment me to which he answered ‘you are beautiful, most ladies of my age would love my figure and I’m good with everything around the house’ !!! She got ….’’love you, sex with you is amazing , you satisfy, stimulate and please me in so many ways all my senses, taste touch smell and sight of you excite me but mentally you amuse challenge and stimulate me, as I said before your are the full package and I’m so lucky to have you in my life’

    Can’t help feeling so hurt and he really did love her and is he with me cause it the easy option ?

    Reply
    • this is where i am. I wonder if i am the easy option. he has lied to me several times before and i really don’t know if i can trust him. he started his affair with a woman at work, he told me (and i believed him ) it was over 4 times, each time going back to her. i do believe now it is over but the damage this has caused to me in immense and he can’t see this. how did your situation work out?

      Reply
  38. Hi Laura, please help I’m in a verge of going crazy me and my have been married for 4 years now I’ve recently found out that he’s cheating on me with not one but several women. I confronted him with this but he denied everything although I have proof of everything, so the problem is I’ve decided to stay in the marriage, and try to work things out but I feel like a part of me is dying every beep of his phone can be either a text msg or a phone call.

    How does one ever get over being cheated on I’ve tried to fake being happy and trusting but it all goes away when he comes home late or his phone rings.

    Reply
  39. Hello. Laura, I just want to express how grateful I am that I found this article just at the right moment.. I needed this and it has pulled me through a tide i never imagined i had to wade through.

    I read it a few weeks before I found out the man I love had one foot into polygamy. (in my culture it is permissible) And I am glad that I hadn’t ignore the email… Our marriage were going on pretty well I thought I didn’t need this and was totally caught by surprise..

    I have been consciously practicing the 6 skills for the last 6 months… and I was seeing a lot of positive changes in our marriage and I appreciate how his manliness flourished!

    Alas he fell for the so called male tendecy for polygamy.
    It is not exactly infidelity, he didn’t simply act on his desire but He had the interest and as he rightly should was tryimg to do it proper and asked for my blessing and approval.

    I assure you the pain is just as hurtful as infidelity. Although it is permissible within God’s wisdom in my religion and some do make it work but I don’t want it and I don’t think we can work it out.

    I was at wits end. I don’t have a very strong case by syariah law to object though I was not denied my opportunity at objecting.

    Desperate I did exactly what your article suggests… I did nothing…. I let go of things out of my control… I initially did but then stop stalking my husband or the girl… And I marshalled ally strength left to trust him…I revised and express more and more vulnerability… which was surprisingly hard… i didn’t know i am the kind who actually tend to turn stone cold instead of letdown my guard in such situation… I took care of myself.. i went to a therapist so that i could do some emotional release… and when I am ready I just expressed my feelings vulnerably to him… i told him I was hurt, i felt abandoned, embarrassed, betrayed… i told the girl the same and asked her to respectfully back down and do to me as what she wants done for herself. I was determined to mantained my trust and respect for the man I married for the sake of God no matter how some people who actually rooted for me conspire to dig this and that infos and intels with regards to their relationship. (which didn’t help one bit)

    I am grateful though that through it all I had one friend, a soul sister who was also practicing the 6 skills herself. She was the only one who “get me”

    At first it was status quo… he persisted that he loved me the same, he just fell for another woman at the same time.He flirted and did all the sweet things… He tried to assure me he would make it work and be fair… he would show me how he would make a fair arrangement between two wives and families… he also asked for me to help make it work..

    Eventhough some may romanticize and wrongly interpret the idea of polygamy and some woman in my culture may go to the extent of believing that it is an honorable thing for a woman to rise above our own self and honor the permission of God gave for man to live a polygamous life, that crossed the line for me.

    I mantained my respect and trust. All I told him that eventhough he could make it work, I could not live with it and I used my right to express that.

    Eventually, much to my (and my “supporters”) surprise he came around. This time he was really remorseful. He expressed how painful it is to know that his desire hurt me. He forego his desire and rights to protect me.

    You are right it took a lot of courage to choose faith over fear… to choose to trust during betrayal. ♥️

    I want you to know I pray God bless you always for inspiring woman like me to be and feel our best playing one of our most important role in our social ecosystem.

    Reply
    • hh, Congratulations on your faith, courage and commitment in facing this challenge! I so admire how you brought out the best in your husband with your thoughtful response. Inspiring!

      Reply
  40. Hi Laura. I respect everything you wrote in this message. But what happens if you have done all this and he continues to cheat and lie? What happens when you keep catching him in his lies and he lies some more to cover up the first lie?
    How long before enough is enough?

    Reply
  41. Hi Laura,

    I understand what you wrote. but trust is very difficult to gain back especially after multiple situations. and also how can you trust a person after several times without checking if they are going according to the agreement or not?

    Reply

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