Marriage Advice, Relationship Advice, Tips, and Help ArticlesMarriage Advice, Relationship Advice, Tips, and Help ArticlesThis phrase will not only help make your marriage last a lifetime but keep it shiny and amazing. Because it’s not just your husband hearing these words coming out of your mouth that makes them powerful, although that’s certainly part of it—he will respond to you better.
This phrase will also change your heart. It does double duty that way, which is why I consider it the most powerful Intimacy Skill of all.
The phrase I’m referring to is: “Thank you. I’m so happy you…,” followed by something he did that was thoughtful or lightened your load or made you feel good.
I’ll break that phrase down in a minute because there’s actually a lot there, but if you’re thinking, that’s just saying thank you, or expressing gratitude, you’re right!
But there’s a little more to it, so let’s get into that.
You’ve probably heard lots of times already that you should be grateful, as in “Don’t forget to count your blessings.” Your parents probably said “What do you say?” and prompted you to say “thank you!” when your aunt gave you ice cream or your cousin gave you a birthday present.
I got the same training, but I have to confess, I wasn’t all that grateful as a young adult. Oh sure, I said “please” and “thank you,” “you’re welcome” and all the right words to be polite.
But I was taking a lot of things for granted before I started practicing the 6 intimacy Skills™. So many things!
So it was a big change in the atmosphere around here when I started expressing heartfelt gratitude to my husband by saying not just “Thank you” but also how it made me feel that he had gotten the holiday decorations down from the attic for me, done the dishes, filled up the car, or made my tea.
It was a struggle to get myself to thank him at all when I didn’t think he was doing as much as he should be. If he did the dishes, I was thinking, “What about wiping down the counters?”
So it seemed like a stretch to say the words “Thank you. I’m so happy you did the dishes.” Because if I had let my mouth keep going I would’ve say, “Now how about cleaning the counter?”
What’s so bad about that, you might wonder. That’s what I wondered too. Why not just be direct and tell him that he’s not done with the job?
Of course, you always have the option to do that. But I’ve found it serves me better to focus on what I have instead of what I don’t have.
Complaining used to come pretty naturally for me. I’m a natural at kvetching. What I was complaining about seemed so significant. I felt like I never had enough.
But when I adopted the discipline of finding at least three things a day to thank John for, which seemed really, really hard at first, it opened my eyes.
He was actually doing a lot and I had been missing it.
I thought it was his job to take care of the cars, do the dishes since I’d cooked, and move the furniture when I had a yen to rearrange. And then move it right back after I changed my mind.
But imagine if he weren’t doing those things. I’d have to do them! When I thought about that, it went a long way toward making me less resentful about what he didn’t do that I thought he should do.
That’s when I discovered I couldn’t be grateful and resentful at the same time. And that being grateful not only felt better, it made John want to jump up and find more things he could do to make me happy.
So it’s my choice: Gratitude or resentment. Which one do I want today?
Sometimes I want to be resentful. Not very often anymore, but as a mere mortal woman sometimes I go there. Still, I love knowing how I can get out of that yucky feeling when I open my eyes a little wider and look for what I’m grateful for.
Which is why “Thank you. It made me so happy when you [fill in the blank]” is such a powerhouse phrase for making your marriage last and thrive, in my experience.
John is so motivated to make me happy. When he does something that makes me happy and I let him know, he feels good about that, and so do I. We both get to bask in that deliciousness every day.
And no one wants to escape that heavenly feeling we have where I feel adored and taken care of and he feels appreciated and successful at making me happy.
What three things could you thank your man for today?
Hi! I’m Laura.
New York Times Bestselling Author
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.
One reply on “Gratitude in Marriage: Say This Phrase Every Day”
I used to think expressing gratitude was mostly for the other person, but this post really opened my eyes to how much it can soften my own heart too. That subtle shift in focus makes the practice feel more nourishing and less performative.