5 Tips for Making the Honeymoon Phase Last a Lifetime
When it comes to keeping the magic alive for a lifetime, here’s what I know now: Forget about premarital counseling or talking exhaustively about how to parent, where to live and how much to save for retirement.
Turns out that song about how the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return was right–sustained romance is a matter of learning a few simple skills.
But maybe they didn’t offer Relationships 101 at your school, just like they didn’t have it at mine.
I didn’t learn Intimacy Skills™ before my wedding, and just a few years later I believed I had married the wrong man. I dragged my husband to counseling but ended up feeling more hopeless than ever when he didn’t want to spend time with me or even make love to me.
I thought my only options were to spend the rest of my life in a loveless relationship or to divorce. But when happily married women showed me a few of their practices, something magical happened.
The man who wooed me returned.
One of the big secrets they taught me was that women are the keepers of the relationship and that we have the power to make it happy and intimate–or stressful and tense. Just as Spider-Man learned, with great power comes great responsibility. I believe we women have a responsibility to learn the skills that contribute to lasting love and to pass them on to each other.
Here are 5 things I wish every bride knew, but most don’t:
Contents
1. Respect Is Like Oxygen for Husbands
Men need respect the way wives need love. That doesn’t mean you always agree with him–lots of times you won’t! But it does mean you honor his thinking instead of second-guessing or trying to improve on it.
I wish I had known this before I spent so many years giving my husband suggestions about how to write a resume, make a budget or load the dishwasher. As it turns out, “helpful” in wife language equals “critical” in husband language.
These days, I trust my husband to think for himself and I expect the best outcome. Not only is he happier, we get to spend most of our time together laughing and holding hands.
Recently, I was brushing crumbs off of the counter and he said “Don’t move” and pulled out his phone to take my picture. It feels wonderful to be so loved after 28 years of marriage, and I know it means that my husband feels respected.
2. Express Your Desires
One of the unfortunate habits I had when I was an untrained newlywed was complaining about the mess around the house. I would say, “John, this kitchen is a disaster!”
I expected him to jump off the couch and start cleaning the kitchen, but that never happened.
I’ve since learned that men can’t even hear us when we’re complaining, so all he heard was “John, blah blahblahblah.”
Finally I learned that if my husband knew how to make me happy, he was much more motivated, so I started saying, “I would love a clean kitchen.”
That was over 15 years ago and he’s been doing the dishes ever since.
Your husband wants to make you happy, and expressing your desires instead of complaining will give him instructions on how to do that successfully.
That could be “I would love a puppy,” “I would love a bigger house,” or “I would love a day off from the kids.”
Anything goes when it comes to your desires, as long as you’re not demanding or expecting–just hoping.
3. Listen Without Agreeing or Disagreeing
Sometimes your spouse will want to blow off steam. He may say he’s going to quit his job immediately because he’s so mad at his boss.
That could scare you.
You may be tempted to say, “Maybe you should sleep on it.” Or, you could jump on board and say, “Yeah, he’s never appreciated you!”
But is that what he really wants?
We all have a deep need to be heard and understood. Listening to your husband without weighing in with your opinion is a wonderful way to create emotional safety, which is critical for intimacy.
One powerful way to do that is to use this magical, three-word phrase: “I hear you.”
That’s it. Not “I hear you and I think…” or “I hear you but what about…”
Just “I hear you” is a wonderful way to show that you’re bearing witness to his experience and that his words matter to you.
4. Keep Doing What Makes You Happy
One new bride tried to take up golf because her husband loved it. She took lessons, bought a set of clubs and practiced, thinking it was a great way to spend time together.
Instead, she realized that she missed going to her dance classes. Despite her efforts, she just didn’t love golf.
No couple ever got happier because she gave up doing something she loved to spend more time together.
Doing what fills you up and makes you happy makes you a magnet to your man. You’re never hotter than when you’re smiling, laughing, singing or dancing.
5. Talk to Your Girlfriends
When I tried to make my husband my sole source of emotional support, he felt smothered and overwhelmed, and I felt unsupported and miserable.
That’s because one mere mortal man is not enough.
Some days it takes two sisters, three best friends and my husband to put me right again.
My friends help make my marriage magical because they help make me happy.
Sure, my husband is my best friend–and all my other friends help keep it that way.
What do you wish you had known when you got married? Please share your comments below.
19 replies on “5 Tips for Making the Honeymoon Phase Last a Lifetime”
Hi Laura I am so grateful for the work you do and your blogs are just the reminders i need when i feel so down and sad about my marriage. Lately i listened to many relationship videos on youtube by very well known and famous relationship experts and all they did was dishearten me about my marriage. they say things like if you and your husband are very different in nature then you’ll have hard time understanding eachother and itll be hard to be happy together and i beleived them cos me and my husband have very different personalities and we hardly communicate with eachother cos he doesnt like to talk and i love to talk alot. so when he avoids talking to me i feel lonely and sad. and i like spending time together and he enjoys being by himself on his computer alot. so these differences have caused me a lot of pain and i cry alot when i think about how unhappy im and i think to my self i married the wrong man! then i visit your website and read your blogs i feel hopeful and even appreciate my husband for he is really agood husband and father to our children. so i want to thank you for helping so many women who think theres no hope for their marriage to look at things from a different prespective and be grateful for what we have! also ive been really low on self care lately and havent been out of the house much as we have a small baby so i was relying on my husband for all my emotional care but he cant! but now i remember to practice the 6 intimacy skills and hopefully things will be beautiful again.
Thank you, Mel. I am touched by your gratitude and vulnerability. I hear how unhappy and lonely you have been. I felt the same way for years in my marriage. The 6 Intimacy Skills have made things beautiful for me, to the point that it feels like we’re dating again. I know you can have that too! I acknowledge you for recommitting to self-care, which I hear is challenging when you have a baby, and to continuing to practice the 6 Intimacy Skills. I’d love to give you more support and invite you to my upcoming webinar, “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.” You can register for free here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thank you for your books and articles, Laura! I bought the Surrendered Wife two years ago and haven’t looked back 🙂
I wish I had the intimacy skills well before I got married. I think some of them work well with my mother, too! I wish I had known before I got married that I was not marrying one of my girlfriends- chatting all night and talking and analyzing all sorts of fun things. My husband is a man (thank God!) and although men have their variables and different personalities, I understand him so much better now. I can see how hurtful it is to him when I start to analyze and talk about his family’s behavior or his behavior. In my mind I am just doing this to chat and pass the time, but to him it seems that I am criticizing and complaining. Now (although not always- still practicing!) I try to keep the analyzing for conversations with my sister and colleagues. I’m a lawyer so I get caught up in arguing for arguing’s sake, but I try to save those conversations for times when I am not with my husband. It leads to a lot of NET! He is so sweet and sensitive and I realize now how much that hurt him. So glad I found this out early on in our marriage so I can improve our relationship and be a good example to our young kids! In the past 2 years I have also discovered how much he loves to talk about his childhood. I never really let him have that space before, but it makes him so happy! Now I listen and laugh right along with him. I’ve learned so much about him, which I love. I still have a tendency to analyze his behavior and change him in direct ways through convincing arguments, but definitely not as often. His entrepreneurial spirit has kicked in since I started practicing the intimacy skills as well. So proud of him. So grateful for your work, Laura! it really brings tears to my eyes knowing how much I appreciate my husband now just by changing my mindset and focus. Thank you so much!
Mary, I love to receive comments like yours! Thank you for sharing your insights–and profound gratitude! It sounds like you’ve been practicing lots of respect and relinquishing control, and I so admire you for everything you’ve done to transform your marriage. Congratulations! That’s great that your husband has become such an entrepreneur too since you started surrendering! For further motivation as you continue to deepen your practice of the Intimacy Skills, I invite you to check out my TV series Empowered Wives. It’s free if you’re an Amazon Prime member, or with a free 1-month trial of Prime, at https://goo.gl/iPPQZG.
Before I got married, facing the realities of life, not trying to hide from life in marriage, coming to terms with myself living alone for 3 years would have been a good investment.
Laura, what if everything is pretty good in our marriage but sex? Have you seen this happened before? We are in our 50’s and nothing in that department is like it used to be. I read your book and I feel in our honeymoon (we hold hands, we flirt, we laugh, we say i love you) in every area but that one. Do you think this can change?
Lisa, it sounds lonely not to have the sexual connection you want, especially when things are going so well in other areas of your marriage. I admire your vulnerability and commitment in reaching out for support here. I know I felt lonely when my marriage lost its sizzle. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills outside the bedroom restored the intimacy inside, making our marriage more passionate than ever. I hear that you once had that intimacy, so I know it’s still there waiting for you! I’d love to empower you with the tools to get it back. I offer them in my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Lisa, it sounds lonely not to have the sexual connection you want, especially when things are going so well in other areas of your marriage. I admire your vulnerability and commitment in reaching out for support here. I know I felt lonely when my marriage lost its sizzle. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills outside the bedroom restored the intimacy inside, making our marriage more passionate than ever. I have seen the same thing happen in many marriages. I hear that you once had that intimacy, and I know it’s still there waiting for you! I’d love to empower you with the tools to get it back. I offer them in my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
What else can we say besides “I hear you”. My husband is a talker and I feel like I would be saying that phrase all the time. I need 2 or 3 different phrases to change it up.
I hear you, Jenny! I remember being worried about repeating the same phrases. Somehow, even though I’ve been using them over and over for many years now, it has yet to be a problem. My husband loves how respectful I am that he has never complained about me repeating myself. As the expert on your own life, you are welcome to experiment with variations of the suggested cheat phrase for listening respectfully. I talk about other tools for showing respect in my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. I invite you to register to get more ideas: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I’ve been married a year and still consider us newlyweds. We are in our mid-sixties and this isn’t our first marriage. You’d think maturity and experience would benefit us but this has been an extremely challenging year. I wish I had known earlier to just say “I hear you” when he expresses something he’s unhappy with me about.
In the past I reacted in a defensive way when I felt like I was being accused or attacked. My husband doesn’t want to hear my reasons why I did or said something that he finds hurtful or disrespectful; usually I’m not even aware of it. All he wants to hear is that I acknowledge his feelings. This happened today when I was multitasking and very focused on a particular outcome. He came in and made several comments that I didn’t acknowledge right away and it made him feel unimportant and disrespected. When he brought it to my attention sometime later I didn’t try to explain myself or respond defensively, “I simply said “I hear you, I’m sorry you felt that way.”. After he vented he accepted my response and let it go. Yes, I spent some time licking my wounds because I felt unjustly accused but I can let it go too. It didn’t escalate into a big fight that no one wins.
Darra, I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a challenging year as a newlywed. I deeply admire your accountability and willingness to change. I remember when those big fights that no one wins were the reality of my marriage. It is amazing how playful and passionate my marriage is now that I’ve found the 6 Intimacy Skills. Thank you for sharing how a simple “I hear you” worked for you! I’m excited to see how playful and passionate your marriage becomes as you continue to practice all 6 Intimacy Skills in tandem. I’d love to support you and invite you to watch my TV series Empowered Wives. It’s free if you’re an Amazon Prime member, or with a free 1-month trial of Prime, at https://goo.gl/iPPQZG. Episode 3, “Jennifer,” is about how to put a stop to the arguing.
What would be a good, spouse-fulfilling prophecy to encourage my husband to NOT take a job that would keep him away 3 months a year (leaving me to pick up a lot of slack, do all the child care alone, etc). I will respect his decision, but I figure it can’t hurt to express my pure desire in a way that inspires, and not sure how to.
Thanks for the thoughtful question, Jennifer. The idea of him taking on this job (and all the jobs YOU would have to take on) sounds scary. I love your commitment to relinquishing control and showing respect–and to maintaining the intimacy in your marriage! You are so courageous. I used to just tell my husband what to do, and that never created the outcome I wanted–or more intimacy. Usually he’d do the opposite of what I told him. Practicing all 6 Intimacy Skills in tandem inspires him to want to please me and consider me, even in making his own decisions. I would love to see you empowered with tools to inspire your husband to please you and be there for you and your children. Actually, that is the focus of my free webinar coming up, called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
This one article has made me realize I’ve been doing 1, 2 and 3 all wrong for 31 years! I wish I had known sooner, I probably wouldn’t have developed high blood pressure. Men and women really do speak a different language. Thanks Laura!
Wow, Kathleen, I love your accountability and openness! Here’s to lower blood pressure!
Hi Laura, your words are a big help!! Thank you very much!!!
i wish i knew all these skills- i was brought up on the value that ‘a good wife does her husband’s will’, and that the greatest thing i could do was sacrifice so that my husband would be free to succeed in his studies/ career etc. I guess you can imagine the level of ease and intimacy that brought to my marriage!
I wish i knew how to express a pure desire when i wanted something and not a complaint. my way of doing things was to not complain, but then i would stew in resentment because i’m trying so hard to be a good wife but i had no way of communicating what i wanted or needed until i burst !
Yikes, Sara, I hear how frustrating and painful this dynamic has been for you. I remember when I would try, with the best of intentions, not to complain or nag. Stuffing my feelings and desires always backfired and I’d end up scorning my husband silently instead. What a relief it is that the 6 Intimacy Skills empower me to say what I want and express my feelings in a productive way so I can have the passionate and peaceful marriage I’ve always wanted. I would love to see you be able to communicate in a way that’s conducive to intimacy too. I’ll give you tools to do that in my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist