How to Become More Confident
7 Steps That Will Make You Super Self-Assured
You’re not the only person who feels insecure, of course.
Everyone does sometimes.
But it’s a worthy goal to want to feel more confident—to want to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Second-guessing what you just said and wishing you’d said something else, and wanting to make yourself disappear gets old and exhausting.
Having anxiety about whether you’re acceptable or lovable sucks up your vitality and takes up the energy you could have been using to do something way more fun and productive.
But it’s hard to know how to get out of the trap of feeling like you’re not good enough, that you’re missing some crucial information that everyone else seems to have, or that you’re just too broken or hopeless to ever feel like you can totally relax.
Becoming more confident will definitely make you more attractive.
Who doesn’t want that?
Fortunately, no matter how messed up you feel or your childhood was, you can become self-possessed and secure.
1. Ask yourself how you feel
This sounds so simple, but I find that many women are not well-trained in this, even though emotional brilliance is one our feminine gifts.
We’re geniuses at knowing how we feel and expressing it, but if no one modeled it for you, you may not be tapping into your genius.
That means you’re walking around without the indispensable information you need to honor yourself, which is what confident people do.
Ask yourself how you feel, and then answer with a feeling word, like afraid, sad, hurt, angry, grateful, happy.
It could also be a physical feeling, like tired or hungry or relaxed.
Once you inform yourself about how you’re feeling, it will be a whole lot easier to take care of yourself, which will make you feel more secure.
2. Ask yourself what you want
Most women are not trained in this at all, which is tragic because this is the seat of feminine power.
Confident people honor themselves, and knowing what you want and being able to say it directly is a critical part of confidence.
It doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, but it’s definitely a great start.
Everyone wants things. Not knowing what they are, or pretending you don’t or ignoring what you want is equivalent to living in low-self-esteem land.
To move to the other side of the tracks, just think about what you want.
Make a list. Update it periodically as your desires change.
3. Spend time on frivolous fun everyday
Confidence comes when you’re willing to put other people off–including kids and husbands–to take care of yourself first.
Having frivolous fun is part of caring for yourself, especially for a woman.
Denying yourself fun may seem virtuous, but it’s actually eating away at your confidence by forcing you to cope with life without regular refueling and relaxing.
Start by carving out time for sitting on a porch with your book and lemonade, or shopping, or taking yourself to a café or for a bike ride.
As long as the activity brings you joy, it doesn’t have to do anybody else any good.
This is what confident people do. They enjoy themselves.
Feeling good also contributes to you feeling more relaxed and self-assured.
4. Consider Your Limits
Whenever someone wants me to do something that is going to cause me to be overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed out or resentful, I politely decline.
Here are the magic words I use to decline such invites: “I can’t.”
That’s it. I don’t explain that I will resent the person if I don’t say no. I just use those two magical words.
They keep me out of loads of trouble. Like the time my BFF wanted to talk after I’d talked all day for work.
“I can’t,” was all I said.
That didn’t make her love me any less, even though she really wanted to talk to me.
It made her look forward to talking to me more.
I was looking forward to talking too, just as soon as I felt up to it.
5. Take in Compliments as “The Truth”
When someone says you look beautiful, or have an amazing voice, or are so funny or so smart, consider believing them without reservation.
If they think it, and they are saying it to you, how does it serve you to dismiss, contradict or undermine that positive point of view?
To become more confident, simply smile and say, “Thank you.”
You could even pause to take it in–even if it feels like a lie, and even if the conversation comes to an awkward halt when you do.
What’s the worst that could happen?
You might feel more beautiful, talented or bright.
Those are all confidence-inducing feelings.
6. Fill Your Own Tank
I used to ignore the first five steps above and get anxious, depleted and cranky a lot.
It felt awful, and I was desperate to feel better.
In those moments, I wanted my husband to do something because I wanted someone else to fix me, and he happened to be nearby.
Unfortunately, that’s not actually possible. I’m the only one who can fix me, first of all.
And once I’ve overdrawn myself like that, there’s no fixing me for a while, anyway.
But that didn’t stop me from getting angry and disappointed with him for not fixing me.
Learning to fill my own happiness tank before it got low freed me of that feeling of desperation and neediness.
When I stopped feeling needy and desperate, it improved my relationship greatly, allowing for more closeness and connection, which made me feel more loved.
Feeling loved has been great for giving me confidence.
7. Pretend You Are Confident
Some of the things I’m suggesting probably feel highly unnatural.
Maybe some of them don’t even make sense to you.
That’s okay. Find your spirit of adventure and experiment with them anyway.
In other words, you might feel anxious or afraid while you’re becoming more confident.
That’s normal. Being confident doesn’t mean you’re never anxious or nervous.
It just means that you trust that you’re worthy of the air time, the break, the good cut of beef, the compliment, the gift and the help that comes around.
You may not feel that way yet. That’s okay. You can still pretend that you do. Because here’s a little secret about confidence:
Pretending to be confident is how you become confident.
As you keep playing the part of a confident woman, something magical happens: you become more dignified, calm and attractive.
You’ll still be yourself, but you’ll be the best version of you: the one who knows her worth and treats herself well.
Hi! I’m Laura.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.