How to Handle the Silent Treatment with Dignity
The silent treatment can make you feel really bad and desperate to end the tension.
It feels horribly rejecting when someone you love won’t speak to you, answer you, or look at you. Like punishment with no end to the sentence.
It’s one of the scariest things and takes up a lot of energy as you wonder how long it’s going to last, if it’s still on, and if there’s something you should be doing differently to fix it.
So what can you do when you’re being shut out?
Here are 3 experiments to try if what you’re doing doesn’t feel so dignified:
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1. Make yourself happy
Of course, you’re stressed out, and things feel tense, so it might seem impossible to make yourself happy right now. Who giggles at a comedy show when her husband has shut her out, right? Who dances down the hallway when the air in her house is frosty? Who shares funny memes when her husband won’t even look at her?
Well if YOU do, a couple of things could happen…
You could stop suffering. That’s worthwhile right there. However long the cold war lasts, you’re having a good time. Even though it’s still painful that he’s blocking you out, that’s not the only thing going on in your life. There’s also some fun happening.
You can decouple your happiness from your circumstances. That’s a superpower you can develop.
You could also stop feeling afraid, at least while you’re watching that funny show. And that’s significant because humans don’t laugh when we’re scared. When I’m scared I just kind of hold my breath or take shallow breaths. There’s no playfulness because I’m reacting to a perceived threat. Threats are serious.
So if you felt good and giggled during a cold war, you would also be demonstrating that you’re not afraid, which could even have the effect of ending the cold war sooner. I’ll explain in a minute.
2. Go on a smile campaign
So if you’re feeling good, not suffering so much and therefore happy enough to smile, that is going to change your whole energy and therefore the energy between you and your man. If you were sulking around before, feeling terrified that he isn’t speaking to you, that’s completely understandable! But also not necessary.
If you’re so happy you start smiling and even smiling at him, even though he might be scowling at you, first of all, you’re going to feel empowered. As a fringe benefit, can you even imagine how hard it would be to keep up a cold war with someone who is smiling at you because she is genuinely happy? Especially if her happiness is your highest priority, which is husband nature even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.
Plus, this is an opportunity to make his head explode, which is one of my favorite things about practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills™. It’s like saying, “Surprise! I flipped the script. I changed the dance. I’m blowing your mind right now.”
It’s so much fun to see the look on his face when you do that.
3. Stop walking on eggshells
If you were so he wouldn’t get upset to begin with, then you might want to take a break from that. I know it seems like you’re being considerate and just trying to keep the peace, but you’re also projecting a negative Spouse Fulfilling Prophecy of “You’re going to get upset.” That’s what you’re affirming.
The more careful you are to make sure he doesn’t get upset, the louder that message comes across.
It’s also so exhausting. You’re trying to control something you can’t control. So consider just getting back on to your paper and asking yourself what you want to do instead of thinking about how to appease him so much, which never works anyway.
That will free up some more energy for you to make yourself ridiculously happy, which is vital because it turns out that only happy people have happy relationships. Making yourself happy while on the receiving end of the silent treatment will not only make you feel more dignified, it might even shorten or stop the silent treatments at your house, which will, in turn, strengthen your marriage and family—which is an incredible accomplishment.
So kudos to you for changing the dance and keeping your dignity no matter what your husband is doing.
What’s one way you’re doing that today? I’d love to hear in the comments.
