How to Stop Being Insecure
Struggling in your love life robs you of confidence.
Whether you’re single and wish you were happily coupled, or you’re in a relationship that’s hurting, you start to wonder if you’re defective.
You torture yourself with comparisons to other women who are younger, thinner or shapelier. You may even attack yourself and your looks with harsh criticism.
You fear that you’re never going to be loved the way you want to be, or be able to shut off the fears in your head about how love is a competition that you’re losing.
Self-doubt creeps in and camps out in your head.
Whether you’ve been cheated on or fear you will be, that insecurity is like a compulsion that’s hard to shake, especially when other people tell you to, “Just believe in yourself!” or, “Believe you’re worth it!” or, “Just be yourself!”
How in the world do you do that, anyway?
Here are 6 specific ways to become secure and confident.
Contents
1. Choose The Outcome You Want
Focusing on the words that describe what I want instead of what I don’t want has improved my feeling of inner strength immeasurably.
Let’s take the name of this blog as an example.
So many women have written to me asking how they can “stop feeling insecure” that I wanted to write on that topic.
But this blog’s title doesn’t sit well with me because “Stop Being Insecure” is focusing on insecurity, which is not what anybody wants.
What we all want is to feel more secure. So a much better title would be, “How to Be Secure and Confident,” for example.
See the difference?
Saying to yourself, “I don’t want him to cheat on me,” is focusing on what you don’t want. What you focus on increases. Saying, “I want to be trusting,” is focusing on what you want.
Wanting to make sure the kids don’t hurt themselves becomes wanting the kids to be safe and healthy.
Not wanting to gain weight becomes wanting to stay fit.
You get the idea.
2. Master Something You Love
Marie’s husband had an affair and told her he was leaving her.
Her worst fear came to life.
Instead of resigning herself to a divorce, she committed to becoming her best, happiest self, including doing things she loved to make herself happy.
That meant getting out her paints and easel again. It meant exhibiting her paintings. It meant putting herself up for critique and feedback so she could improve.
Marie described it as massive self-care that brought her both joy and a sense of mastery. That gave her inner strength.
Painting occupied her mind with brush techniques and color combinations instead of self-pity and fear of the future.
Being good at something gives you confidence.
The impact on her relationship was that her confidence showed, which made her more attractive–and her husband noticed. Some of their first communication after he left was him wishing her well on her exhibits, then coming to see her art for himself.
That was the beginning of their reconciliation–all because she was painting again and feeling good about it.
Instead of telling yourself to stop being a certain way, taking small steps toward becoming good at something you love gives you a happy distraction to focus on.
3. Ask Yourself These Questions
One of the hallmarks of insecurity is wondering what someone else thinks of you–whether he likes you or thinks you’re fat or that you just said something stupid.
Of course, we all do that at times.
But here’s what confident people do that’s completely different: instead of wondering what someone else is thinking, they ask questions about themselves.
My favorite two questions to ask myself are, “How do I feel?” and, “What do I want?”
So let’s say you’ve started wondering if someone is getting irritated with you or is upset about something you did, as often happens when you’re feeling insecure.
In the moment you find yourself wondering what someone else is wanting or feeling, turn your attention to yourself and inquire there instead.
One woman was tired of trying to get her husband to snap out of his bad mood. It never worked, anyway.
So when he came home grumpy again, she asked herself how she felt and what she wanted, and wandered off to the backyard to do some gardening, leaving him to grumble to himself.
She was singing to herself when, much to her surprise, her husband came out to join her with his gardening gloves.
4. Receive Gifts, Compliments and Help
I explain all about receiving here, and it’s the fastest way I know to become more confident and self-assured, as well as 10X more attractive.
It’s simple, but can be challenging to do. With practice, it gets easier and even habit-forming.
5. Know Your Limits
Growing up, I learned that nice people were loved, and that the way to be a nice person was to do things for others.
The more I did things for others, the more they would love me, was my understanding.
Of course, that didn’t work.
For one thing, I was already loveable before I did anything for anybody. I overlooked that reality in my search for ways to make sure I had earned enough points to avoid being abandoned.
Another reason it didn’t make me loveable is that I quickly got overwhelmed and resentful of the very people I wanted love from.
I would crash full-speed into my own energy limits in the process, still paddling as hard as could and end up hating pretty much everybody.
I’d be full of rage, acting horribly to loved ones and unlucky bank tellers I didn’t even know.
Then, after behaving so badly, I’d feel terrified that I’d be abandoned and alone.
After all, who would want to live with someone who flips her lid like that?
It was awful.
Fortunately, I don’t do that anymore. Phew!
I describe how I permanently cured my rageoholism here.
The phrase that’s helped me not get overwhelmed and therefore resentful–and therefore, rageful–is, “I can’t.”
It sounded strange at first because it seemed like the opposite of what I was encouraged to say growing up. The mantra I learned was, “I can do anything!”
Which may be true, but only until I’m tired or overwhelmed. Then, I can’t do much of anything and still be pleasant, which I value.
Just knowing I can say, “I can’t,” when someone wants me to work a little harder, stay later, drive further or get up earlier has added so much to my confidence because it helps me keep my cool and my dignity.
Being dignified sure makes me feel secure. It’s much more attractive to be around myself.
I love myself more, and isn’t that what we always hear self-confidence is about—loving yourself?
To be more confident, consider using the phrase, “I can’t,” next time you know you’re about to get stretched beyond your limits.
6. Speak to Yourself Like You Speak to Your Friend
There’s an expression that it’s better to have 100 enemies outside the tent than one inside the tent.
When you start belittling and criticizing yourself, you become the enemy in your own tent.
If you start to notice harsh comments for yourself rattling around in your head, ask yourself if it’s something you would say to a friend.
Would you call your friend an idiot? Would you tell her that her outfit is a mess? Would you tell her she blew it and never gets things right? Or even that she’s clumsy?
Of course not.
You’re a nice person, and that would be unkind. All that harshness would make your friend feel bad. You wouldn’t want her to feel bad.
It makes you feel pretty bad, too, if you’re talking to yourself that way.
Therefore, consider giving yourself the same kindness you would give a friend.
Picture your BFF and imagine yourself saying to her the critical things you’re saying to yourself.
If your self-talk doesn’t pass the “friend test,” consider re-wording the message to yourself so that it does match your standards for her.
Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean–even to yourself.
Because a confident person is more likely to talk herself up than to cut herself down.
And just making that’s one of your habits is likely to make you feel so much more secure.
16 replies on “How to Stop Being Insecure”
Laura,
Like your story above about Marie’s husband leaving and she didn’t push for divorce (this would of course indicate that she didn’t want that)—but instead she focused on her life, her art. I think for most women in this situation, this would be extremely difficult to do, but you are correct, it is the better response. I’d add to that perhaps talking independently to an attorney if your husband has left would be a proactive protective thing to do for yourself (but not meaning you are proceeding with any plans to divorce. He would not even need to know about it.) At least you would have a consultation, and then, yes, proceed with your life, doing what you love and what you can control about yourself. Really great story.
Susan, I can understand why you feel a woman should take precautions when her husband is threatening divorce, but I’ve found that I can either choose my faith or I can choose my fear and what I focus on increases. Talking to a lawyer about a potential divorce would give the topic of divorce a lot of focus. So if my intention is to remain married and make my marriage amazing, I would do everything in my power to trust the man I married to be his best self and focus on being my best self. I know the consultation just seems like common sense, but for choosing wisely what I thought about has been magical, which is why I wouldn’t recommend that consultation.
I love your reminders about how to keep making positive SFP’s (Spouse Fulfilling Propecies).
If I think (as I might, if I don’t stop myself) “I don’t want him to be mean to me!”, I’m subconsciously accepting that he might well be… So I need to break the pattern by saying: “He is being so kind to me”. Or “he’s such a kind guy”!
Or if I think: “He’s so overfocused on work, he has no time to even consider me” that may come true (though it seems like the truth already!). So I gotta change it to “He’s so overfocused on me, he has no time even to work!” And I can imagine him thinking of my more fondly already…
I know he’s a human with his own choices… but I think that what I as a wife think cements in place what could be a few moment’s distraction into a personality and a crisis. Because if she thinks badly, then the wife reacts to him as if he’s this baddy who’s been ignoring her (and he has rather ignored her) and he responds even worse to being thought of as a baddy…
So it’s not like she’s responsible for the beginning of the cycle, but she can make one bad action into a cycle, if she’s not careful.
But why can’t men just be born attentive and affectionate with NO effort on the woman’s part? Wouldn’t this be lov-erly? SFP’s seem like SUCH a mental effort!
Rachel, Good news–men are born attentive and affectionate with NO effort on the woman’s part! You may have experienced this when you were falling in love. It’s only when they feel disrespected, criticized or controlled that they shrink from that natural posture. For me, I focused on his negative response to my negative behavior as “how he was–the truth!” In reality it was his response to me, and when I changed he responded much better. SFPs helped me focus more on what I wanted instead of what I didn’t want. You’ve got it Rachel–I can tell you’ve been practicing. You’re going to enjoy the benefits of SFPs!
Hi laura,
I came across your book several years ago and I have been trying out a lot of your ideas over the years. Although I have definitely seen progress, I don’t feel I have really manged to achieve the results you describe in your book.. My husband is very passive aggressive and I often feel confused about what my reaction is supposed to be. He struggles with depression and seems to need me to be perfect. I make immense efforts to be respectful and not to be controlling but I am still often very very lonely in my marriage. Do I simply focus on self care and work on making myself happy? I don’t want to be waiting the whole time for him to turn into a loving attentive husband…It simply hasn’t happened yet..
Hannah, That sounds really hard! I’m not perfectly respectful at all times, and I don’t know anybody who is, so that is certainly an impossible standard. How discouraging to apply the skills and not get the results you’re hoping for. The most effective way to have the breakthrough you are looking for is to get some support. That’s my wish for you. I couldn’t have gotten the marriage I have now by myself–I too needed support. A good place to start would be with my free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura, I just want to tell you that I appreciate your fresh ideas on how to handle various situations with our spouses. The thing I love most is how you break it down into doable steps. You are making a huge difference in this world one marriage at a time. I applaud you!
Thanks, Lesley! Great to hear from you.
This came at the right time for me, thank you! Some great tips to try
Thank you so much Laura for all your blog posts! I recently ordered your book The Empowered Wife and am reading it now. My husband cheated two and a half months ago after 28 years of marriage and I have been a trainwreck since, but am not willing to give up on us yet. Things are complicated because he is an alcoholic. Also, since he cheated I don’t know if he is capable of being faithful to me now. He tells me he “loves me to death” but he’s lied so much in the past I don’t trust him. All of this has made me very insecure and I know it’s driving him nuts. P.S. – Why am I unable to print a copy of these blog posts? I would love to print them out and keep them in a notebook so it’s easy for me to refer to them on a daily basis. Thank you!!! You’re the best!!!
Teresa, I so admire your commitment to your marriage, despite the hurtful situation and fear you’re feeling! It must be very hard. But I think there’s a lot of hope for your marriage, despite the affair and his drinking. 28 years is a lot of investment in this marriage. If you’d like more support, I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and figure out the best move for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I’m having a little trouble with the following statement from your article above:
“Saying to yourself, “I don’t want him to cheat on me,” is focusing on what you don’t want. What you focus on increases. Saying, “I want to be trusting,” is focusing on what you want.
Wanting to make sure the kids don’t hurt themselves becomes wanting the kids to be safe and healthy.
Not wanting to gain weight becomes wanting to stay fit.
You get the idea.”
There is a clear difference here in that in the first example, instead of wishing that one’s spouse would not cheat you turn the spotlight onto yourself and wish you were “more trusting”. However, when wishing the children don’t “hurt themselves” you say that the same would be said for instead wishing the children were “to be safe”. This still puts the onus on the children to be safe and not on yourself to say “oh, I’ll just THINK the children are safe and then it will be so!” which is what you seem to be saying of the “I wish I were more trusting”. I know you’re talking about self-fulfilling prophecies here but “being more trusting” is never going to make a cheater not cheat and more so, the fact that you weren’t trusting isn’t what made him cheat to begin with. There’s a lot of victim blaming going on here that I find disagreeable. Sure, being happy in your life MAY make your husband more interested in you but whether or not that happens it’s not your fault. How do you marry these two ideas into something more cohesive for those of us truly going through this on a day to day basis? Thank you.
Jessica, I can see why this is confusing, and especially since you’re going through it it’s right on top of a fresh wound for you. Sounds very rough. You are correct that no wife is responsible for her husband cheating. It’s also my experience that wives have a lot of influence on their husbands. What I focus on increases, in my experience. So if I’m constantly worried about him cheating, I’m going a long way toward creating that outcome by creating it in my mind first. That doesn’t mean I’m responsible for his cheating–he’s a sovereign individual who is always responsible for his own actions. But if I see that there was something on my side of the street that may have contributed to him feeling a lack of respect or trust, then I find it empowering to take responsibility for that because it’s within my control. That’s been key to everything for me–taking my eyes off of what the other person did to me and looking at what I did to create the situation I’m in.
You bring a lot of thoughtfulness to this conversation and I admire your commitment to self-development, and your willingness to question. I appreciate this inquiry.
This really helped me see what you are saying. Thanks!
Awesome! Thank you so much for this blog post. It really hits home. I plan to share!
Some really great reminders, Thanks Laura!
When someone asks me to do something that overstretches me, I say, “I’d love to, but I can’t”. Then I don’t say another word. If they press, I repeat the phrase.
Love This: My favorite two questions to ask myself are, “How do I feel?” and, “What do I want?”
great advice, good reminder.