I’m Not in Love with My Husband
When you’re falling in love, you’re temporarily insane.
You didn’t even notice things like bad breath or that he has ESPN on all the time or slurps his cereal.
But years into marriage, you not only notice unattractive things about him, you’ve completely lost sight of whatever it was you saw in him.
Why did you marry this guy again?
He’s put on weight. He spends all his spare time on the couch. He’s too harsh with the kids.
All of that takes a toll on how you feel about him.
You don’t want to admit it out loud, but you’re searching Google for some kind of answer because this is not the marriage you envisioned and you want to know your options (i.e., escape route).
You wish you could admire your husband and feel excited about him. But how can you if you’re feeling repulsed?
Here are 3 ways to make your man more exciting and bring back that loving feeling.
Contents
1. Drop and Do 10 (Gratitudes)
Jasmine felt the same way about her husband, Aladdin.
The guy seemed exciting and resourceful in the beginning, what with the genie and all, but now that they had three kids and a busy work week, she was not impressed with his pet monkey, and the idea of taking a family of five somewhere on a magic carpet seemed totally impractical.
Why couldn’t he get a reliable car like normal husbands?
Who can relate?
At the end of her rope, Jasmine was ready to do something drastic. She dragged Al to marriage counseling, where the therapist affirmed that she was the good spouse and Aladdin was off in la-la land.
Unfortunately, that didn’t give Jasmine what she really wanted, which was to feel special, to feel safe and to have a husband she admired.
Jasmine wished she were married to someone more practical and down to earth, and suddenly…she was!
Without warning, Al turned into a different man. There was no sign of the monkey, and instead of a magic carpet, he drove a sensible sedan. Rather than dreaming about the future, he was always looking at accounting software.
Now Jasmine missed the adventurous man she had married. She regretted taking his playfulness for granted and wondered where her fearless husband had gone.
Sure, life was more predictable and less chaotic, but it wasn’t as exhilarating or interesting as it had been.
Jasmine realized she had been taking her husband’s good qualities for granted just because she lived with them. Familiarity had bred contempt.
Beside herself with regret, Jasmine wanted to undo her wish, and the genie gave her the formula to do just that: Drop and do 10. Ten gratitudes for her husband.
“What did you appreciate about Al?” he asked.
Jasmine listed all the things–his sense of humor, his willingness to sacrifice for his family, his strength, his ability to create magic–and on and on, until she had at least 10 things she loved about Al.
And just like that, he was back–the man she’d fallen in love with.
This is obviously a fictionalized scenario, but it’s one I’ve seen many times.
To get back to feeling in love with your man, why not drop and do 10 gratitudes for him?
You had plenty of good reasons to marry him. What are they?
2. Relinquish Control of His Decisions
I have a world-famous system for relinquishing control of your husband, which I’ve been practicing for years, but sometimes I’m still tempted to tell my husband, John, what to do.
Like recently, when he had the chance to get a big client for his business. I thought he should jump on it! But he didn’t. I couldn’t understand why he would pass up the additional income.
I’m not proud to say I wondered if he was just too lazy to jump through the requisite hoops to get the gig.
A few days later, John reminded me the person he would be working with was difficult at times. He wasn’t excited to answer to that person.
From my standpoint, it seemed so easy. Just get the shiny new client and make lots of money!
But from John’s perspective, the new client was going to be a pain, something he didn’t want in his life.
I felt admiration for my husband, who didn’t want to kowtow to an overbearing honcho. That struck me as masculine strength, which I find attractive.
All of a sudden I thought it was sexy that he wasn’t going for that client. Such self-confidence!
Letting your husband make decisions for himself without weighing in or advising him can help you remember what you liked about this guy back in the day.
3. Be the Girl of Fun and Light
You’re tired from your workday, folding laundry, making dinner and helping out with homework. Is there any man anywhere who could make you happy in this moment? Or would you find fault with Ryan Reynolds right now?
If your husband isn’t measuring up, could it be that your ruler needs adjusting?
The way to adjust it is to have a girl’s night out, watch a movie you love or boogie in the kitchen–or all three in one day.
If you’re not having frivolous fun, life gets dreary, and your husband starts to seem like the cause of all that’s wrong in the world.
Chances are that he’s just a mere mortal man who happens to be nearby when you get out of sorts, as all mere mortal women do from time to time.
Getting pretty nails, playing guitar or riding your bike could cure all of that and remind you that your husband has that cute dimple on his chin, sparkly eyes or the cute butt you like so much.
You just forgot. That happens when you’ve forgotten you’re the Girl of Fun and Light, who loves to have a good time and married the perfect partner in crime to help her do just that.
What a difference a day of self-care makes.
Speaking of frivolous fun, I plan to get pumped up with endorphins from playing volleyball tonight, which always gives me the perspecticles to see the things I like about my husband..
What will you do today to make yourself ridiculously happy so you can see the best qualities in your man?
16 replies on “I’m Not in Love with My Husband”
I love my husband and he’s an amazing man through and through, but what can I do about him leaving things in piles all over our apartment? The amount of stuff is so tremendous and overwhelming, and I am really not being dramatic. I’m imvarressed to have people over, and he is upset with the situation as well. I try to not ask him to clean up or nag, but it comes up in conversation. He gets upset that I do not clean it up! If I could I would throw it all on the curb, but I haven’t and I wouldn’t do that. Truth be told, I do not know what can get thrown away and what needs to be kept; there’s is work paperwork, mail he has asked me not to throw out, clothes, wires, electronics, boxes he has asked me not to throw out, there is even a printed sitting on the floor in the middle of our living room that has been there for a month. What do I do?
Hi Laura i need the six intimacy skills i were to late to watch.I need uour help.
Rene, I love your commitment to transforming your relationship! I would love to help and invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
Thank you 🙂
But what if you didn’t have a bunch of things you admired about him when you got married? What if you found out he was a liar and a cheater but you felt trapped and like you couldn’t cancel the wedding a week beforehand with all the money relatives already spent on travel? What if he really wasn’t a good guy… not because you don’t see it “anymore” but because it was all a put-on? And self-care when you have a large family with some children who have special needs and a husband who not only works 12 hour days but spends all the rest of his time playing his phone or xbox or doing fantasy sports… it just doesn’t happen. There aren’t enough hours in the day to sleep, let alone do something that makes me happy. Tbh I don’t even know what that would be anymore. I still feel trapped, too, because I can’t see any way out of this mess. It doesn’t matter how much I practice the intimacy skills when my husband is intolerant of my son’s quirks that come with autism, and instead takes my son’s most prized possessions that he worked hard for, or his civil air patrol uniforms, and throws it in the trash or ransacks my son’s room in his anger and then makes my son clean up the mess. How do you deal with a man like that? Conversely, how do you get out and support a large family all on your own when you have been a SAHM for the last 15 years and you’re about to have a baby?
NWO, this sounds absolutely exhausting. I hear that you do so much that you’ve lost touch with what makes you happy. To see your son suffer your husband’s intolerance on top of that is heartbreaking.
I get that your timeline was accelerated since you’d already changed your mind by the wedding. I wonder what attracted you to him in the first place.
I was sure I had married the wrong guy and that there was no hope of changing that. With 6 Intimacy Skills, the man who attracted me came back. The insensitive jerk who had once replaced him faded away.
You too can have the happiness and support you deserve. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
I love u Laura…u also sound caring and that is what is needed when we women r too harsh on ourselves
Totally true Laura
Sometimes we forgot the happiness at beggining and we little by little destroy the funny and shinny aspects of yourself.
I did these marvellous things at my marriage and i can say yes it works!!!
The problem we have Laura is that we need to live in different cities for job and this is dangerous yes for our bond.
But i am the provider.he cannot work and i need to maintain everything at home.
What i could do Laura?
I know totally that its something i should do.i feel between two walls!!!
I admire you and your counsels and i am very happy for having your books.Its a great great help!!!
Tara. Thanks
Tara, I’m thrilled to hear that the Intimacy Skills are working for you! But I hear you’re feeling stuck right now and worried about having to live apart for work as the breadwinner. That does sound scary. I really admire your commitment to your marriage.
I used to worry about the bond with my husband because it was so fragile. I lived a life of obligation, which was no fun (and I wasn’t either)! The 6 Intimacy Skills empowered me to honor my desires and nurture that bond, which is now unshakable.
I’d love to support you in this crossroads and give you the tools to strengthen your bond with your husband as you do what’s right for you. I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
This was good, thanks!
Thanks laura…going thru a tough phase now. Dealing with a broken, healing ankle, alcoholism of hubby together.
It is frustrating to keep telling myself…come on u love this guy…when a tiny voice in says..do u really ??
Thought process initiated…
Tfs.
Preeti, I hear how challenging it is to deal with your husband’s alcoholism and a broken ankle on top of that. I can see why you’re questioning whether you even love him. I admire you for having the vulnerability and commitment to come here for support.
I used to have the same question: Do I really love this guy? Lots of times, the answer was no. But I didn’t want a divorce, so I practiced the 6 Intimacy Skills anyway. And the wildest thing happened–we fell in love again! I’ve seen the same thing happen for women married to alcoholics.
I’d love to give you the tools to fall in love again and to deal with your husband’s alcoholism. I invite you to my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills, which is free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I love this Laura!!! Thank you for the reminder to have frivolous fun that makes me the GOFL as my self care. I tend to lean towards reading but definitely want my self care to be things that make me maximum GOFL and happy!
I agree with all that you have said but….. I want need to be more connected to my husband. He is fine with me going out with girlfriends but at my age it’s not the same. Most of my friends want to do couple things. My husband not so much. He’s fine with me taking extra time to exercise ect…. I go to all my kids functions he’s okay with not going. Its like ….he likes not having to worry about taking care of my needs so to speak. He’s a big runner. He works two jobs.( teacher and painter) so there is not much time for me / us anyway. So I’m tired of trying to make it happen . I have become just like him.
Denise, I’m sorry to hear that your husband seems to have checked out and now you are too. That sounds lonely. I love that you have hope and the vulnerability to reach out for the support to change this dynamic.
I remember how sad I felt when my husband was not tending to my needs and it seemed everything else came before us spending time together. Learning the 6 Intimacy Skills changed all that, and now I feel cherished, desired and adored.
You can inspire your husband to take care of your needs and have the us time and connection you crave. I’ll show you how in my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills, which is free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thanks!