I’m Not in Love with My Husband

By

Laura Doyle

By Laura Doyle

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Laura Doyle is a New York Times Bestselling Author, Relationship Expert, Host of The Empowered Wife Podcast at Laura Doyle Connect.

| Updated: 12/20/2023

When you’re falling in love, you’re temporarily insane.

You didn’t even notice things like bad breath or that he has ESPN on all the time or slurps his cereal.

But years into marriage, you not only notice unattractive things about him, you’ve completely lost sight of whatever it was you saw in him.

Why did you marry this guy again?

He’s put on weight. He spends all his spare time on the couch. He’s too harsh with the kids.

All of that takes a toll on how you feel about him.

You don’t want to admit it out loud, but you’re searching Google for some kind of answer because this is not the marriage you envisioned and you want to know your options (i.e., escape route).

You wish you could admire your husband and feel excited about him. But how can you if you’re feeling repulsed?

Here are 3 ways to make your man more exciting and bring back that loving feeling.

1. Drop and Do 10 (Gratitudes)

Jasmine felt the same way about her husband, Aladdin.

The guy seemed exciting and resourceful in the beginning, what with the genie and all, but now that they had three kids and a busy work week, she was not impressed with his pet monkey, and the idea of taking a family of five somewhere on a magic carpet seemed totally impractical.

Why couldn’t he get a reliable car like normal husbands?

Who can relate?

At the end of her rope, Jasmine was ready to do something drastic. She dragged Al to marriage counseling, where the therapist affirmed that she was the good spouse and Aladdin was off in la-la land.

Unfortunately, that didn’t give Jasmine what she really wanted, which was to feel special, to feel safe and to have a husband she admired.

Jasmine wished she were married to someone more practical and down to earth, and suddenly…she was!

Without warning, Al turned into a different man. There was no sign of the monkey, and instead of a magic carpet, he drove a sensible sedan. Rather than dreaming about the future, he was always looking at accounting software.

Now Jasmine missed the adventurous man she had married. She regretted taking his playfulness for granted and wondered where her fearless husband had gone.

Sure, life was more predictable and less chaotic, but it wasn’t as exhilarating or interesting as it had been.

Jasmine realized she had been taking her husband’s good qualities for granted just because she lived with them. Familiarity had bred contempt.

Beside herself with regret, Jasmine wanted to undo her wish, and the genie gave her the formula to do just that: Drop and do 10. Ten gratitudes for her husband.

“What did you appreciate about Al?” he asked.

Jasmine listed all the things–his sense of humor, his willingness to sacrifice for his family, his strength, his ability to create magic–and on and on, until she had at least 10 things she loved about Al.

And just like that, he was back–the man she’d fallen in love with.

This is obviously a fictionalized scenario, but it’s one I’ve seen many times.

To get back to feeling in love with your man, why not drop and do 10 gratitudes for him?

You had plenty of good reasons to marry him. What are they?

2. Relinquish Control of His Decisions

I have a world-famous system for relinquishing control of your husband, which I’ve been practicing for years, but sometimes I’m still tempted to tell my husband, John, what to do.

Like recently, when he had the chance to get a big client for his business. I thought he should jump on it! But he didn’t. I couldn’t understand why he would pass up the additional income.

I’m not proud to say I wondered if he was just too lazy to jump through the requisite hoops to get the gig.

A few days later, John reminded me the person he would be working with was difficult at times. He wasn’t excited to answer to that person.

From my standpoint, it seemed so easy. Just get the shiny new client and make lots of money!

But from John’s perspective, the new client was going to be a pain, something he didn’t want in his life.

I felt admiration for my husband, who didn’t want to kowtow to an overbearing honcho. That struck me as masculine strength, which I find attractive.

All of a sudden I thought it was sexy that he wasn’t going for that client. Such self-confidence!

Letting your husband make decisions for himself without weighing in or advising him can help you remember what you liked about this guy back in the day.

3. Be the Girl of Fun and Light

You’re tired from your workday, folding laundry, making dinner and helping out with homework. Is there any man anywhere who could make you happy in this moment? Or would you find fault with Ryan Reynolds right now?

If your husband isn’t measuring up, could it be that your ruler needs adjusting?

The way to adjust it is to have a girl’s night out, watch a movie you love or boogie in the kitchen–or all three in one day.

If you’re not having frivolous fun, life gets dreary, and your husband starts to seem like the cause of all that’s wrong in the world.

Chances are that he’s just a mere mortal man who happens to be nearby when you get out of sorts, as all mere mortal women do from time to time.

Getting pretty nails, playing guitar or riding your bike could cure all of that and remind you that your husband has that cute dimple on his chin, sparkly eyes or the cute butt you like so much.

You just forgot. That happens when you’ve forgotten you’re the Girl of Fun and Light, who loves to have a good time and married the perfect partner in crime to help her do just that.

What a difference a day of self-care makes.

Speaking of frivolous fun, I plan to get pumped up with endorphins from playing volleyball tonight, which always gives me the perspecticles to see the things I like about my husband..

What will you do today to make yourself ridiculously happy so you can see the best qualities in your man?

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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