My Husband is a Workaholic
It’s lonely to be married to a workaholic.
If he’s not at work, he’s sleeping or working from home.
Or he’s too tired from working so much to be much fun.
He neglects not just you, but also the kids.
You feel like a single mom going to get-togethers without him, always for the same, tired reason: he has to work.
If only you could get him to spend more time with the family.
Well, you can.
Here are 4 ways to inspire a workaholic to linger and lounge with you.
Contents
1. Be Happy to See Him
It can be hard to get happy when he’s home well after dinner and the kids are in bed—again!
But if he comes home and your face is sour and the air is thick, it’s not going to inspire him to want to come home earlier the next night.
Quite the opposite.
Imagine he’s getting affirmed and respected at work for his accomplishments, and then when he comes home, he’s in the doghouse.
Where will he want to spend more time?
Exactly.
I know you want him to come home earlier, and being happy to see him at 11 p.m. when you want him to come home at 6 p.m. seems counterintuitive.
But if you smile when he walks through the door and he knows you are happy to see him, he’ll associate being home with feeling good.
That will inspire him to be more efficient at work so he can be home more.
You may not be convinced about that, I realize.
But if the approach you’re using now isn’t working, what could it hurt to experiment and see what happens?
2. Make Him Feel Successful as a Husband
Let’s say your husband mostly feels competent, capable and appreciated at work. Let’s suppose he feels respected there.
How does that compare to how he feels at home?
If you’re anything like I was and you remind him he’s not keeping up on getting the trash out, or question the way he handled that incident with his mom, or let him know you’re not happy with having to do everything…that leaves him feeling profoundly disrespected.
And for husbands, feeling disrespected feels the same as being unloved.
Feeling unloved is something most people try to avoid.
Therefore, consider learning how to be respectful and then putting your attention on your own happiness.
I know that sounds nutty and maybe even selfish, but it turns out the way to make a husband feel successful is to make yourself happy.
Otherwise, how will you be able to do #1 above?
To start, think about what’s gratifying, frivolous fun for you.
Now, go do it.
He’ll pick up on the happy vibes, and they will be like a magnet to steel.
He may even do what Patty’s always-working husband did when she started making herself happy and he saw her smiling so much more: leave work early and take you on a picnic.
3. Make Him Feel Successful as a Dad
It’s agonizing to see your kids missing their dad, and that makes you want to tell him about how much he’s missing and how hard it is for them.
But once again, the focus is on his shortcomings, and not the fact that he’s keeping everyone in Pokemon and Disney movies.
Even if you work too, his work is contributing to the family’s standard of living, and it helps to acknowledge and appreciate that.
Plus, he probably does SOME things as a dad that you could also be focusing on. I know it’s not as much as you want, but if he has ever helped with homework, he could be considered the homework hero, for example.
Maybe that feels like a stretch.
But why wouldn’t you stretch to reach if it would give your kids that home-court advantage you’re longing for them to have?
Make a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy that he’s a good dad and watch him live up to your words and come home more to be that dad you see in him.
4. Honor Your Desires
You may think your husband already knows what you want, and he’s just choosing work above spending time with you anyway.
But consider the possibility that he doesn’t know what you want.
Not enough to make it so.
Yes, he knows that you’re unhappy that he’s always working or exhausted.
But that doesn’t give him the vital information he needs to make you happy. That just tells him what you’re upset about.
Complaining is not the same as expressing a desire that he could fulfill, which would give him the chance to be your hero.
Let’s say he did come home from work at a normal time. Would that make you happy?
I know it would be one thing off your checklist of things you’re not happy about. And you might feel less lonely, for sure.
But would you be truly happy?
Of course it seems like you would, but that’s why it’s such an interesting question. Is that what’s standing between you and happiness?
Because, as you already know, your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else.
It depends on how much you honor your desires.
Your happiness depends on how much you let yourself wade into the waves at the beach, or get out the paint and easel even though it’s messy, or listen to your favorite music.
If you knew what you wanted and you told your husband, and he saw that he had a chance of making you happy, that could very well draw him home–no matter what’s going on at work.
Marta’s husband had been a workaholic for their entire 15-year marriage, and although she said she was used to it herself, it broke her heart that the kids never saw their dad.
She told me it was unlikely that he would ever change, but she decided to do the things I recommend in this blog anyway.
She started to be happy to see him when he came home from work, no matter how late it was when he came through that door.
Isn’t that what people who love each other do?
As she got happy to see him, he got happy to see her. And because coming home was so pleasant, he started coming home earlier. They were even eating dinner together most nights.
Then, something amazing happened.
Her husband decided to change jobs to find one that would allow him to spend more time with his family.
That was pretty shocking to Marta, and wonderful–but there’s more.
As long as he was changing jobs, Marta’s husband decided to take the opportunity to take six weeks off between jobs.
Guess what he wanted to do with those six weeks?
He wanted to spend it with his family.
Your workaholic guy will also respond to you differently when you go back to being the happy, respectful, pleasable wife you once were.
36 replies on “My Husband is a Workaholic”
love you Laura but I don’t know… I feel like you’re asking women to fake it – repress how they really feel – not speaking up is no longer an option in my life – I’ve survived too much. Females are early on being taught to think that they have to be small, quiet and agreeable. If a woman has to choose between saving her marriage and saving her soul – she needs to save her soul.
M, I can see why you don’t like the idea of repressing how you really feel. It feels awful not to be able to say your truth. I don’t like that either, and I’m happy to say it’s something I rarely do. I’m not sure where you thought I was recommending that here.
Expressing a desire (the outcome I want) is the most effective way of saying how I really feel. Complaining, while very tempting, is just indulging my negativity and wasting energy. So if you’re saying I’m encouraging women to give up the habit of complaining and express their desires instead, then I’m guilty as charged.
For me, saving my marriage also saved my soul.
Well, you said to act happy that he’s home even if you’re annoyed the he got home so late. Can you address that? Than seems like blatant faking and repression of how one really feels.
Sara, My experience is that I always have a choice about how I’m going to view a situation. I can either be happy because I get to see him or I can be mad that I didn’t see him sooner. If I choose the happy, I’m nurturing the intimacy. If I choose the annoyance, I’m fostering distance and tension. It’s up to me. If I’m grateful for what I have, it increases. If I focus on what I don’t have, I’ll never have enough. Of course I always have the option to express my annoyance, but I rarely do that anymore because it doesn’t serve me as well as choosing love. That feels more authentic and in line with who I am and who I want to be.
This is it Laura! And this is true! For me there is no other way any more!!! Thank you for your work!!!!
Thank you for this thoughtful response, Laura! I find choosing NOT to express annoyance really difficult… But I’m sure there are rewards in it for me 🙂
Hi, Laura!
I don’t know how I got this email today, but, it came in for a reason. I almost left my husband last week due to feeling neglected over the past quite a few years & my kids are getting older, so, I started to think, “once they’re gone, what do we have?!!”
I started talking to a man, innocently in the beginning, in January this year and our friendship progressed into adultery on my part…I never ever imagined doing anything like this & I don’t even know how I got there! My heart became very cold towards my husband & I expressed my unhappiness in our marriage several times. I now see, since everything was brought to light last week, that my desires were very selfish & I only wish I could take it all back! Right now, I’m trying to focus on getting my heart right towards God. I am grieving my sin & hate that I hurt not only my husband, but, my kids and our families! If you have any other suggestions for me, I’d really appreciate them! Thank you!!
Shelby, I’m sorry to hear about the pain in your marriage and family right now. Sounds like you’re a mere mortal woman who has made mistakes, but it may be that this is the breakdown before the breakthrough. The lowest, most-painful point in my marriage became the first day that I started on a wonderful new path that led me to the playful, passionate marriage I have now. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move you can make for your marriage. This is all solvable!
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thanks, Laura! That is so encouraging to hear!! I would love to a discovery call, but, when I click the link, it says theirs a charge for it. How do I get a complimentary call?? I really appreciate what you’re doing!
Shelby, Yes, there’s plenty of hope. Also, the call really is complimentary. Just complete the form and you’ll see there’s no charge.
Thank you for this article. The points are helpful and make a lot of sense. My husband works hard every day. Do you have any further advice for when he makes time off to travel with his friends?
Stephanie, You’re welcome. Sounds like you’re married to a hard worker. I think I hear you saying you would rather your husband travel with you instead of his friends. Do I have that right? It can be lonely if he’s always traveling with them and you’re staying home.
I have a free webinar that you’d find valuable for ways to magnetize and attract him to spending more time with you. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Yes, that’s exactly it. He’s a good man and a hard worker. I understand our kids are still young and it’s easier for him to go out with his buddies instead of with us or just me, but it’s hard not to take it personally. I will definitely view the link! Thanks again.
My situation is a bit different. My husband and I run a company together, which I love, but he gets into this manic, I gotta do as much as I can. And that makes me busier. I’d like to slow do, move our office back home, spend more time with the kids. How do I express those desires without being disrespectful? What phrases would I use, without bluntly saying “I hate working so much”? To him slowing down is a major negative.
L, It’s not easy to run a company together and still keep the intimacy high, so I can see why this is challenging. You sound very clear on your desires. If you state them as desires, they’ll be inspiring. If you revert to complaining he won’t know what to do for you to make you happy. I’d love to see you get support with this. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and determine the best move for your relationship and work schedule. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
We had such a playful fun marriage before we started our business. Now everything is serious all the time. Sometimes i think, maybe it would be best if we just closed the company altogether. I won’t be able to do a Skype call, is there a way I could talk to a coach through email?
L, I know what you mean. We had a tough time of it when we worked together in the past also. The good news is that my husband is very involved in my business now (he makes and edits all my videos, among other things) and we’re both enjoying it. So it’s possible! Unfortunately, discovery calls are only available by phone or Skype. I hope you can find a way to take advantage!
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I appreciate your advice and will do my best to apply for a descovery call.
I’ve read excerpts of different material you’ve written and have immense respect for the methods you’ve discovered. I tried a few. They work!
But, like some other women have expressed, I have an issue with being the person who consistently shelves her annoyances, while he gets to express his whenever. I don’t enjoy resentment, but it’s honest.
It seems on the surface, that your methods are very man-centric, we are revolving our reactions around him, and what reactions we will invoke in him. It seems like a lot of us catering to them, and not vice versa.
The woman has to be the bigger person, the better.
My husband is a total workaholic and I can choose to be happy to see him instead of slighted…thats minor. But what about BIG issues… line in the sand stuff….i have a couple of issues that I can’t accept, he doesn’t respond to ultimatums, and won’t change these 2 items, stuff he promised once upon a time.
Frustrated.
-Em
Mary, I see what you mean about the resentment being real. I was very resentful of my husband too, and it felt pretty lousy. I’m happy to hear you’re having some success with the suggestions you’ve read. I didn’t have any success with ultimatums either (quite the opposite!), and there were plenty of broken promises around here too, but my husband did change when I changed. Yours will respond to you differently too. The Six Intimacy Skills will be so valuable for you. I lay them out step-by-step in my book and audiobook The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
My husband doesn’t get off work until past midnight every single night. No one is awake when he gets home. Sometimes he doesn’t wake up until the afternoon. Sometimes he’s pleasant when he wakes up, and sometimes he has an attitude like I’ve done something to upset him; when in reality I’d just been taking care of our kids & the household for 4-5 hours while he slept. How do you respond to that negative energy?! He used to get really upset when I tried to get him up to join us for breakfast, so now I leave him be & just save a portion for him; but even when I leave him to get his rest I frequently get greeted with an attitude like I’ve been disrespectful. I try to keep things positive & not dwell on the past, but how do you deal with someone who won’t allow themselves to do the same?
Marie, That sounds incredibly lonely. I wouldn’t like that either. I can see why you’re frustrated. The good news is that this is solvable. You can have the family time you’re craving and end the prickly conversations and have more playfulness and passion. As the wife, you have the key! I couldn’t see how that was possible at first myself, but now I can’t unsee it. I’d love to see you get some support with making your marriage amazing again. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Hi
I would like to consolt on a matter having to do with my husband’s career.
He has decided to retrain and is is starting his Masters in a new field. On the one hand I am happy for him that he wants to reach new interesting goals. But on the other hand I know he will be home a lot less to help out, and I will not be able to work less although i wish I could.
At the moment I am quite upset about his desicions, since I feel that the amount of work I will need to do at home is beyond my abiliity, and he is not going to be around to help.
I’ve been following your posts, and they are very helpfull!
I’d be happy to hear what you have to say on this issue.
Thanks!
Adi, I hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed and resentful that you have so much responsibility and your husband feels free to go back to school and change careers while you handle everything. I can see why you’re unhappy–I wouldn’t like that either. This is a longer conversation than I can squeeze into a blog comment, but I would love to see you get your hands on The Six Intimacy Skills. I lay them out step-by-step in my book The Empowered Wife. You will find them so valuable in your situation! You can read a free chapter here:
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
Hi Laura I love your blogs and infromation but tell me how to your applie your work to my case? My husband is a dry alcholic that can be very dificult to cope with ?
Laura, I’m glad you’re enjoying my blogs. I’m not sure how to answer your questions because I’m not sure how a dry drunk is any different than any other husband. My husband was very difficult to cope with before I had the 6 Intimacy Skills. Now that I have them it’s easy and fun to be married, and he’s my hero again. I lay them out in the book, The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
This is like telling people to accept misery – this is crazy advice
I hear you–I thought it was crazy advice too! Unfortunately, nothing else was working for me, so I was miserable enough to try a different approach. And that’s when I got different results. But only you know what’s best for you.
Hello Laura,
I really have a problem dealing with my workaholic husband. For a few weeks I have been practising your advice about respecting my husband, appreciating him and being grateful about all the little things he does. Nevertheless, yesterday he agreed that he would not work during the weekend and that he only needed to get one small little thing done and he will come back home. I told him that I don’t want him to work during the weekend because I think that he does not get any rest. He is currently 10 hours working on a Saturday. I cheered and clapped my hands when he came back home, but how can I greet him smiling today if he doesn’t follow his promises and doesn’t come home? There is always something to do. I think that you have to come up with a lot more ingenious advice to take out the ‘alcoholic’ character of a working man.
Inna, I’m sorry to hear that your husband is such a workaholic. That sounds really painful. I admire your commitment to trying something new. It sounds like it’s working for you already! But I get that it’s still scary to think he may not follow through on his promise.
I used to feel so frustrated when my husband refused to listen to my directives for him. It seemed so obvious what was good for him, yet he just seemed to do the opposite of what I suggested. As scary as it was to relinquish control, doing that along with the other Intimacy Skills has actually inspired him to want to please me and be there for me more. And the Skills have given me the playful, passionate marriage I always wanted.
I’d love to see you learn all 6 Intimacy Skills and experiment with them. You can get them from my book The Empowered Wife. Here’s a free chapter: http://getcherished.com
Hello Laura,
Thank you for your swift reply and your support. I am currently reading The Surrendered Wife. Could you tell me if I should buy The Empowered Wife also? Is it a lot different?
Could you please tell me is it still a directive and a demand if I talk to him and he agrees upon something, but then does not follow it. Is it still me telling him what to do?
Two days ago I had a birthday and I expressed my desire for him to buy me something (anything, something small) well in advance, but he didn’t. So that didn’t work either. He always does things at the last minute and it was very hot that day and he postponed it for some days later. How do I react in this situation? I think I nagged him a little bit because I brought it up. I am not so concerned about it, but I cannot be too thrilled that I didn’t get anything from him for my birthday. Shall I excuse him? What do I do?
You’re welcome, Inna! I admire your intention to relinquish control, even when he agrees to do something and doesn’t do it. I know how maddening that can be! I’m sorry to hear he did not buy you a gift in advance, especially after you told him your desire. I remember how challenging it was to continue to relinquish control at those times. I’m glad I persevered with the Intimacy Skills, which made my marriage playful and passionate.
There are so many ways to practice the Skills in that situation, and I would love to support you. I invite you to meet me at the Cherished for Life Weekend next month, where I will teach you all 6 Intimacy Skills and coach you in person.
I love your commitment to learning the Intimacy Skills! I do recommend The Empowered Wife. As my latest book, it offers a distilled, updated version of the 6 Intimacy Skills, empowering you with a step-by-step guide to implement them.
Hi Laura,
I find lots of supporting in your article but unfortunately your advice has not brought results in my relationship.
My live-in boyfriend has been a workaholic for as long as I’ve known him, 16 years. I made a conscious decision about 3 years ago when we started dating to be the most understanding and supportive I could be to my boyfriend.
He is climbing out of a financial hole following a nasty divorce and a very large child support payment. He works and puts in overtime any chance he can which equates to working 7 days a week 6am-10pm, literally.
As I understand what he is going thru and he’s desperately trying to build a better future, I am also loosing my patience. At what point do I stop waiting for him? Waiting to do something fun with him when he is too exhausted to keep his eyes open? I’m so upset that I’ve been crying myself to sleep. I feel so terrible and selfish but I can’t ignore myself and what makes me happy. I want memories, laughs and passionate times. He’s a good man but I feel like life is passing us by…..
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Jennifer, I can see why you’re losing patience not getting the results you want as you continue to suffer from your boyfriend’s workaholism. That sounds very lonely. I admire your commitment to being respectful and building a better future.
I needed support to see my blindspots. Many clients say the same thing after trying to surrender on their own. One was so committed to using duct tape that she missed opportunities to express her feelings and desires and only grew more resentful toward her sofaholic husband. Once she received coaching support, she knew which Intimacy Skills to practice in a given situation. That’s when she got the playful, passionate relationship she’d always wanted.
I would love to give you the support to get the laughter and passion you deserve. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi.. I m married since 10 years and blessed with 2 lovely daughters.. my husband is a great man minus his workaholic nature.. he works everyday from 10am till 2am / 3am early morning. He is either working and watching movies parallelly or even if he is done with his work, he prefers watching some youtube video/ Emglish serials or a movie.. we have had umpteen discussions and fights.. each time he accepts he is unable to give his time to us and that he will definitely change his way of working but it does down after couple of days. My in laws stay with us, so I dont want to make him feel ackward before them, so I hold myself from arguing most of the times. We hardly get to talk to each other .. I’m a working woman and I find it difficult to take care of 2 young kids by myself most of the times.. I dont get time for myself, neither does he have time to spend with me.. he sleeps early exactly once in a month at around 11 30 or 12, he sleeps in a different room most of the times as he is working late.im worried about his health as well.. I dont know whom to confront this to, I feel lonely.. I feel like I got married only to work, raise kids and be with his parents.. I’m considering moving out to a different house but dont know the impact on kids.. he is a great man other than this. I dont know how to convince him , he says he understands my intent but unable to change his ways as he has lot of work.. now I dont understand what kind of a person works like this from past 8 years.. ever since my elder daughter is born, I see this difference.. I dont know what to do. Pls help
Hi Laura,
I confronted my husband with the excessive number of hours he spends away from home and he denied having a problem. He’s such a workaholic he’ll offer to go to the store for milk and not come home for 5 hours because he ends up back at work again.