My Husband Lies to Me: 4 Reasons Why He’s Dishonest
If you’ve ever caught your husband lying about where he was, who he was with or what he was doing, you know how much it stings.
If the lies were to cover up his drinking or smoking or who he was with, it can shake you to your core.
After all, how much worse can it get than him lying to his wife? What else is he lying about?
Isn’t honesty a basic requirement of a marriage?
Your friends and family will likely add fuel to the fire by assuring you that him lying to you is a serious problem.
But before you give him an ultimatum or stop trusting him completely, consider an approach that will preserve the connection between you first.
Here’s how to keep your husband honest.
Contents
1. Give Him Autonomy
Gina encouraged her husband to quit smoking for years, and finally, he did!
Then one day she smelled smoke on him, but he reassured her that it was because he had been talking to his friend Joe while Joe was smoking. She was doubtful, but she wanted to believe him.
Then she caught him red-handed, smoking a cigarette. Two butts in the ashtray.
“I’m not stupid. I know he started smoking again a while ago, and now I realize that not only is he a smoker, he’s not an honest person.”
But what Gina wasn’t considering was the high price she had been making her husband pay for being honest.
What if he’d admitted to her, “Hey honey, I started smoking again.” She would likely have been unhappy and possibly critical or shaming of that decision.
Although she called it encouragement before he quit, her husband might very well have thought of her efforts as nagging and control.
Naturally, he didn’t want to go back to that. As a mere mortal man, he decided to save himself the hassle and just fib until he quit again.
We had the same problem around here when I was constantly monitoring what my husband John spent, or how he prioritized his tasks around the house—he lied to me to get me off his back.
That doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t make it okay.
But it does make sense when you consider human nature.
Research done at the University of Alabama showed that people are mostly honest and do not lie for the most part.
So one way to create a more honest culture in your relationship is by giving your guy autonomy over his own choices—like smoking, drinking, who he talks to, and what he watches.
Even if you think it’s best that he cut back or stop certain behaviors, know that telling him so is discouraging him from being honest with you.
If it’s honesty you want, consider relinquishing inappropriate control of his life and focusing more on your own happiness.
2. Give Him Privacy
As a newlywed, I (wrongly) assumed it would be okay for me to read my husband’s journal because now that we were two who had become one, there was nothing he would want to hide from me.
It’s embarrassing to admit now! But that’s how I thought then.
These days I see my husband as a sovereign individual who is entitled to some privacy.
If your husband has done something in the past that feels like a betrayal, then you might feel that he should be completely transparent. You might think that he should give you the password on his phone—or else it’s proof that he’s doing something he shouldn’t be.
The flip side is that it’s pretty suffocating to know that someone else is watching your every move and wants to know your every thought.
It’s enough to cause someone to be less than honest so they can breathe a little.
What to do instead?
Consider making a decision to trust him and affirming that decision out loud to him and to yourself. You could say, “I’m grateful to have such a trustworthy husband.”
People tend to rise to your expectation of them, so why not expect the best?
3. Create Emotional Safety
When Curtis was nearly five, his parents discovered that someone had written C-U-R-T-I-S on the wall in crayon.
When they asked him if he knew who had done that, he shook his head with a vehement “No! It wasn’t me.”
Curtis’s motives for lying were pretty obvious: he didn’t want to be punished for marking up the wall.
If he hadn’t feared an unpleasant consequence, he wouldn’t have bothered to lie. He would have just said, “Yep, that’s my name! Curtis!”
A study published on Science Direct showed that children who heard internal appeals with no expected punishment were significantly less likely to lie.
Same thing goes for your husband. If he doesn’t fear an unpleasant consequence, like being criticized, rejected or punished, then he will be free to tell you the truth.
Creating a culture of emotional safety is a powerful way to foster honesty.
If you find out he was with his friend Joe, who you think is a bad influence, and you say only, “How’s Joe doing?” (without rolling your eyes), then he learns that he doesn’t have to cover his tracks when he’s with Joe. He can just tell the truth.
That’s the magic of emotional safety.
4. Receive His Protection
To this day I sometimes get riled up hearing about the customers who don’t pay my husband’s business on time.
I’ve noticed he rarely mentions those slow payers anymore. So I brought it up, saying, “I haven’t heard much about your slow-paying customers lately.”
He replied, “I know you don’t like to hear about negative things, so I try to keep you from hearing the bad stuff if you don’t need to know about it.”
So sweet, right?
In other words, he was protecting me so I could focus on important things like the new paint color in my office and working on my mission to end world divorce.
My husband may have a slow-paying client right now, and it could be on his mind and I wouldn’t know about it. He’s not volunteering that because I don’t need to know. It doesn’t affect me.
You could argue that he’s less than forthcoming about that topic, and I’d say I probably need to work harder on step #1 of this blog, giving him autonomy, if I want to be included in that conversation.
But for the moment, I’m content not to hear about those slow payers. I see his decision to keep that aspect of his business to himself as protection, rather than lying by omission.
Once you create a culture of honesty in your relationship, you’ll rarely have suspicions or concerns about whether your husband is being honest and forthright.
As a fringe benefit, following the suggestions in this blog will also lead to more intimacy, connection and peace between you, and that’s no lie.
113 replies on “My Husband Lies to Me: 4 Reasons Why He’s Dishonest”
My husband of 18 years is a narcissist. I didn’t realize that until later. Two weeks ago I did something that caused him to be furious. It really was a perceived notion of extreme wrongdoing. He stopped talking to me and now comes home at almost midnight every night. He leaves Saturday and comes home around eleven or midnight. His cell phone records states he has been calling and talking to a 28 year old student he was mentoring. My husband is 75 and has diabetes with ED. He decided to buy some Viagra which he had been keeping in his nightstand drawer. It is not there anymore nor in any of our drawers or medicine cabinet. He won’t say where he has been when he comes home late. He doesn’t think I deserve to know. I am so heartbroken and lonely that is have become ill. I don’t know how to deal with a narcissist who has zero compassion or empathy.
HI Laura,
We are married for 18 years now and in our late forties.
My husband likes to chat with girls on lots of websites. He uses fake ids to do that so that i cant find out. Even if he using whatsapp, he always deletes them so that i cant see them. When i found out and asked him, he said he stopped but he never did. he always keeps going back to chatting with girls. Also he lies to me on many other things like where he had been.
I dont know how to make him speak the truth with me.
thanks
JJ
I see those perspectives.. But I am concerned about ongoing lying occurring with my husband. Late nite texts are claimed to be from brother ( I saw otherwise) actually his ex-wife.. he also texts ex girlfriends….
Boundaries are often crossed- the year before it was a gym client who would send him a pic before she would go out , or go in an interview.. upon meeting her I saw that she demands a lot of make attention and I was hurt that my husband gave her that.. I’m frustrated…
This is some victim blaming bullshit. Lying is not okay, not ever, especially if it happens frequently. But yeah, blame the wife. The LIAR needs to change and take accountability, not the person being lied to.
So, coming from the husbands side, I feel like I keep things from her because I don’t want to deal with the ridicule, punishment, disrespect or any other condescending reaction from her. We are both in our 50’s and have been married 9 years but have known each other since middle school. Years ago, i kept a smoking habit from her and she called me out on it making me feel like i was 15 and it was a bit humiliating emotionally for me. 6 years ago, i had accumulated some CC debt but was making payments and everything was under control. She found out and again made me feel like a POS for keeping it from her. Nothing I do is intentional or meant to “get her back” for anything, I just want to enjoy my own little bit of privacy without having to worry about being yelled at, made to feel inferior to her, or being ridiculed by her. I don’t feel like she gives me any respect or appreciates the things I do for her but I am not able to talk to her because she does not understand how to have a civil conversation. We have tried before and she becomes disgusted with me expressing how I feel and never takes any fault for anything that’s wrong in our relationship. When I explain to her that I am not comfortable talking to her for these reasons, she yells a few things about how i am immature and walks out of the room not talking for a few days.
At this point I don’t know what else to do. We are currently on a “break” by her choice, I offered to seek counseling and explained to her once again why I dont let her in on some things. I wouldn’t call it lying but she does. I dont always tell her some of the things I do or things I get but I love her, i love our relationship as a couple and I would never nor have any desire to leave her. I my mind, keeping some things from you spouse doesn’t always mean bad things are happening.
Also, she doesn’t like that fact that I like to research everything especially with the latest election and everything going on. I listen to as much information, research, sometimes get caught up in the information but take a step back and reevaluate the draw a conclusion. She watches the news and believes everything those people tell her to be fact without researching. Maybe we are not meant to be or maybe or meant to be as run out.
I have the aame jssue. And all kf these blogs make me feel like its my fault he has cheated on me.
Oh Andrea, I’m sad to think that blame came across. You do not deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves to be treated that way. If you can’t control him, then it’s not your fault.
I too found out in a painful way that I can’t control my husband’s choices. I also discovered that as the wife, I have enormous power to create the culture in my relationship.
I would love to give you that power if you want it. What is it that you’re wanting for your relationship?
Laura..I do understand what your blog is saying. But the lying is just the tip of the iceberg. If it was his drinking, smoking, or anything else, I would have no problem following your steps….but not with the porn addiction. He is cheating and betraying our wedding vows and he is chosing his cyber love affairs over not only his wife but also his family, friends, work, hobbies, social life, and even the kids. It is consuming his life and his heart…and it is destroying his love for me. When he knows that I am naked and waiting for him to come home, it will take him 3 hours to drive home from work (11 miles away)…EVERY DAY…and then can’t obtain an erection with me (only with porn). Addicts often times will have a trigger that causes them the urge to use..his trigger is finding (or causing) a reason to get mad at me. That is the only thing I have begged him not to do because it is breaking my heart so deeply (and he knows it). Why do something (constantly over and over) that you know is hurting your wife and your marriage? Why hurt me on purpose? And what is wrong with setting boundries?
Hello, this approach to trust in a relationship was very enlightening for me. But I wonder how I can begin on this path with my partner. I love him very much, but I am ashamed to say that I have some really bad trust issues from previous relationships that I unwittingly let control the way I am to him. I am very sensitive to lies. As I had previously believed myself to be a very mellow and understanding partner, and I thought I had built a safe environment for my previous partners to be honest in. Which is why I think I am struggling so much now. I was cheated on for years, and I have that man all the trust and privacy in the world, and he took it for granted
Now I feel this overwhelming guilt because I am with the most amazing, kind, patiant man I have ever met and he deserves to be treated better than this. I’m having a hard time maintaining a sense of trust for some reason. Some days I feel this overwhelming sense of heartbreak, like I’ve lost him to another women, even though I haven’t. My paranoia seems to take the wheel at times and it sucks. Due to my behavior I feat that I have ruined the relationship and it can’t be repaired. He has began to lie. It’s like you said, of course he has began lying, I have shown him time after time that the truth often results in me being unpleasant at best.
He has been very patient with me mostly. But I have found him deleting messages and phone calls now, and it puts me on edge even more. I am worried I’ve pushed him to another women, although he still treats me like I’m his soulmate and he says he understands and that he is sorry that my trust has been betrayed In the past-which I mean come on, how the hell did I get so lucky. He doesn’t meet my outbursts with more arguing. Which often results in the outburst being very short lived which is good
But I want to get better about this. And really work on internal healing, and be more conscious about my actions towards him when I’m feeling triggered. But I don’t know what to do to start having an open and honest relationship, he has already started hiding things so that he doesn’t get a bad reaction from me. I have good days and I have bad days, I don’t know what to do to show him that he can be honest without me exploding. Because the more he hides the worse I seem to get. And I know I am pushing him further and further away, looking at other women, and slowing loosing patience for me. I mean nobody could handle this kind of unwarranted behavior forever, I hope he doesn’t give up on me before I can get this sorted and he can stop going behind my back with everything .
Thank you for your help
Xoxo Jill
Hi Jill, I understand where you’re coming from. You have such good self-awareness about how what you went through in the past is affecting you now and how you may be pushing your partner away with your actions. I’ve been a bit like that, too. I just read this blog and am excited to try the suggestions. I’m sure they’ll help you, too. I pray we’ll both have the strength and faith it takes to keep doing the right thing even when it feels counterintuitive. I’m sure our men will love us for it and start to trust US, and be open with us. It does sound like you have a great guy who really loves you and is very understanding about your struggles. As for where you can begin, I would just start with the first suggestion Laura made or which ever one most grabs you at the moment. When you find you’ve got a grasp on that, move to the next suggestion and so on until you have them all.
All the very best,
Viv x
My husband spends on himself a lot but hides from me. He does take care of household costs. But doesn’t want me to spend a penny. Always dominating if I try to argue with him.
I’m exhausted with my husband completely. The only reason why I try to put differences aside is for our girls. His (ex’s) that he have children with are still highly involved with the in-laws…When the children have Birthday parties, graduation etc…He would tell me… but I’m not invited to go along, he only take our girls and I’m left home. We relocated of state for a fresh start, his mother pressure him to move back because of his children. Eventhough he is remarried. I’ve talk with him several times…nothing. Just recently his sister via baby shower listed the ex’s for invite. It’s getting to the point that I putting things in place on my end, because it makes me totally uncomfortable. Our daughters are 8 and 2 years old. This situation has been going on for a while and hasn’t gotten any better. We would have plans, then he would eventually ignore what we’ve agree too and do him. Often work long hours. Then when I ask him what’s going on…he explain that he’s only working. I try to be patient with him but my future with him is going to come to a end, because I’m looking to move on with my life. Just worry about our girls. I’ve tried praying, forgiving, encouraging, marriage groups and still nothing. I feel that its something more with the ex’s.
This is nice in theory, and I’ve tried it, but it doesn’t work. My husband has lied to me about porn, using various drugs like DMT, kratom, marijuana, lies big and small. That in combination with his depression became a huge problem and we separated for a few months. I just let him move back in, after being very very clear about important honesty was and laying all the groundwork above, and I just learned hes been lying to me for MONTHS about injecting steroids. It just doesn’t stop! I keep getting hit after hit and I am so forgiving. I keep jumping back in and giving it my all but he is an inconsistent pathological liar. I’m all for privacy, but when a decision affects not only our future ability to have a child but greatly impacts his mood which is already a problem, I can’t allow that.
My marriage isn’t perfect and neither am I. We both have done wrong. Both have moved on and forgave one another. SO I THOUGHT!!! But he still has had correspondence with this certain person. After stating he will no long communicate with that person.
Being honest in a marriage is the sole foundation of the relationship. While we are individuals, transparency and honesty is expected. I certainly won’t tolerate or pander to the needs of a man who shows me disrespect by consistently looking me in the eye and lying – which is exactly what my husband has done.
My husband and I just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary yesterday and I mentioned how proud I am of him, especially with him no longer drinking liquor or beer, only red wine (as he is not a friendly person to be around when he does). I mentioned how his moods are so much more calmer and that he truly has come a long way…I’m proud.
Tonight, he came home acting strange, being secretive. When I asked if he was alright, he became super defensive. He came at me raising his voice, slurred speech also. I than, sadly, made the mistake of saying “this is how you use to act when you were drinking, and your slurring your words.” He stormed off and said “have fun at church tomorrow” than started slamming doors and cabinets, waking our 20 month old.
I’m at a loss right now as we have been through some serious storms due to his drinking and than ending our day 1 to the start of 6 years…he’s drinking again, (I know he did due to this super defensive, short fused behavior only happens when he has been drinking, no matter who is talking to him).
My Husband lies to me about God. I find it very disturbing and he down plays it.
For example because of the way he was treating me.. which was very mean. I told hm I would no longer participate until he chose to be kind.
His response , see God told me, I Holy Spirit ministered to me that you couldn’t handle,it. I knew you would back out.
I am aware of the ministry of the Holy Spirit. I am aware the Holy Spirit will warn us of things to come. I am also aware of His leadings .
I do know that the Holy Spirit did not tell him or lead him that I would back out because I just couldn’t handle it as well as other negative things about me. After confronting him several times he finally admitted he had lied.
This has happened on more then one occasion.
He will use Leadings.. while claimed leadings to try and minipulate me,
I find this to be a deep seeded problem. He claims it is not. It is spiritual and emotional abuse, he claims it is not
I’m sorry, but your article offers no real solution. You’re advising that whatever your partner is lying about, simply make the behaviour allowable, then hey presto they won’t have to lie about it any more. Your advice encourages allowing a spouse a safe environment in which to cross a line that is a source of pain in the marriage. Advice on dealing with lying in a marriage should provide a solution to confronting the spouse and unravelling the lies in such a way that the behaviour ceases, not just the lie.
my name is Lynn I have be married for 37 happy years except for the last 14 months, my husband has been having an affair with some from his he met again social media. I found out about it a month after it started by seeing texts that were sent. I threw him out after I caught him at her house,4 months later he wants to come home we go to couseling he comes subpost to have no contact with this women, after 3 days they have contact he wants out again, he leaves we stay in contact 2 months ago he said enough to is enough he wants to home again he loves me so much I know this is going to work, again no contact with her, but she just won’t leave him alone, I hear them on the phone they are raising their voices at each other about thing we’re have done together and that he is just leading me on, he need to leave, I question him about who he is on the phone with and of course he lies so I say no you were on the phone with Tonn he says we got to talk, and guess what he’s not happy he wants to leave not sure if he loves me any more ( which is what he said the last time) he says also sorts of nasty things to me, which I know he is just saying cuz he got caught, I know I’m good person and so does he. I love him and I believe in us and he knows this, what can I do to save this marriage please help
I will start by saying nobody is perfect,everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance HOWEVER lying is an extremely hurtful things but especially if it’s your husband who is lying or vice versa! You never want to believe the man/woman you fell in love with and took vows with would ever lie to you! But guess what snap back to reality it does happen ALOT. My husband lies to me constantly and in result of that our marriage is on the rocks. He’s broken my trust on numerous occasions and I still remain faithful and I tell him the truth about anything I do or have done. As badly as I want to trust him I just can’t because even when I catch him in a lie he’ll tell another lie and make me look like the crazy one it’s so frustrating and tiring and I’m beyond unhappy. But not unhappy enough to let go just yet because I’ve already been with this man 13 years we have four kids and it’s hard to let go. But what other ways can I stress to him lying is terrible I just want honesty?!!!
This is bull! Why should i have to do backflips to get my husband to tell the truth?? Nobody has to read books and practice techniques to get me to be honest. These men are losers! Dump them. We are not their mommies! They should have learned how to behave long time ago. Aren’t they supposed to be MEN? Girls…have a little dignity! We should not have to be responsible to fix a person with no moral code. And you can’t fix stupid….obviously many have tried. It does not work!!!!
Liars do not change – ever. If you’ve been lied to, you’ve been deeply disrespected. Take a deep breath, trust yourself, and LEAVE. Do not look back. Be strong and create a new and lovely life for yourself, and for your children. It won’t be easy – but you can do it.
I caught my husband texting his ex girlfriend what should i do we are married now he still texting his ex girlfriend
When someone cheats, it is not up to the other person to behave in a certain way to get them to stop. It is not because they did something wrong, or failed to influence the other person in some way. The wife is responsible for her behavior. The husband is responsible for his. Anybody trying to sell you a book to convince you otherwise is just preying on desperate broken-hearted people who have money and need a solution. If your husbands cheat, ladies, leave them and never look back.
Hi I need help I have child he is only 2 year old my husband we are spreat he come to meet him but he is ligel married to me but he did nikha mean other married is he told me face to face that he got married but I don’t have prove can some body help what she’ll I do because my first husband same thing and then we divorc now this is doing same thing he is living on other address and his wife living on different adress but he block me from his phone that he said to me she is saying that I don’t ring him or text him so please help what shel do to find out and prove that he is married
So ignore it and it will go away? Thats the jest of what Im reading. Ignorance is bliss! So I guess this would be true.
I never thought my husband lied to me until recently I have found out things slowly that he’s been lying to me about for awhile. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and married for almost 2. We also have a 1 year old. The one thing I valued in our relationship most was the trust we had, and lately I feel like we don’t have it anymore. He’s lied to me about going to a strip club(which he hadn’t done since we met), drinking with some of his guy friends, and gambling. I know these seem like trivial things, but to me they’re huge because I’ve found out and not once has he owned up to anything and told me. I try to confront him about it in a way where he’d tell me on his own, and he still lies. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I don’t understand why he’s having to lie to me all of a sudden and it hurts me to think about it because we have a 1 year old together. I just hate that I feel like I can’t trust anything he says anymore because I know I’ve been blantently lied to numerous times in the past 6 months.
My husband has cheated on me several times and still chooses to lie about boundaries we have set. How do I go about that one? When I’m hard on him he walks the line. When I act like nothing bothers me he hides and lies about things. When I approach him in a very calm mature manner so that we can have a real conversation he is rude and acts like he has done nothing and turns the conversation on me. He then blames me for things that aren’t accurate. I don’t know what to do this is a constant battle. He is now gone on deployment and instead of being sad or missing him I am less stressed and happy. I have a newborn and a seven year old. I homeschool here kids and my stress level has gone way down since he left. We have only been married a little over a year. At this point I trust nothing he says and need proof for everything because I have caught him in so many lies. Literally he will lie even when I have proof of things. I’m tired of giving the husband an out or trying to be so freakin understanding all the time. When is it his turn. I’m burnt out!!!
This puts the onus on the woman to do all the work and just take the disrespect from her husband. Mine kept a relationship secret from me and it’s still shrouded in secrecy but she knows everything about me and us. He refuses to dump her and she refuses to leave. He also lies about work and money. i have tried everything with him, but he has changed over the past year or so. Before that, our relationship was not like this. In the past he would hv had very choice words for a man behaving like this. Now, he is completely lacking in insight and says he simply doesn’t see that he’s repeatedly lying, keeping secrets & betraying me. “I just don’t see it that way,” he says. I have divorced myself from him emotionally. Not going to let him hurt or disrespect me anymore. He does admit that he changed, and as a result our relationship changed, and that he doesn’t like who he is now but he has no intention of dumping this hypocrite homewrecker and he’s probably going to lose his job. Yes he is severely depressed and yes i have tried to help him receive professional help but u can lead a horse to water, doesn’t mean it will drink. I am done. It’s up to HIM if he wants the relationship we had. He says he does but he also wants his concubine. Sorry, he can’t have both.
My partner lies and then when I catch him out he tries telling more lies until he can’t and has to just apologise then it’s I won’t ever lie again which is another lie because he does it almost straight away I’m so fed up. We have two children one 4 one 14months and I feel trapped why do people think it’s ok to constantly bullshit. I want to leave bit I don’t want to take my children our of there home their life. So upset I can’t even think straight anymore. He lies so much I’m struggling to look at him. Aaaaaaaaaaargh.????????????
Basically, this article is saying it’s the wife’s fault when her husband lies. That’s a healthy thing to tell women.
I have serious problem with my husband,always lying tell I coming home now but not came,after the next came tell all allying again,now I want to give up
Hi, my husband lies all the time. About serious things, one was so serious I had county court officers come to our house to arrest him. Our son wasn’t very old and he was very upset as was I. Thankfully he was at work and it was left to me to sort out. I try to trust what he says and let him deal with stuff but then I find he hasn’t. It’s one thing after another and I’m always on edge waiting for the next thing.
The latest thing was he had a piece of paper with a number on. He said he was a work colleagues number. I didn’t react until he snatched the piece of paper and then it mysteriously disappeared. If there’s nothing to hide why react in a way to make me suspicious. I really feel he does it on purpose to mess with my head and I believe he believes his own lies. It’s been like this for over 15 years. I can’t believe anything he says. I’m trying so hard to keep our family together but not sure how much more I can deal with ????
I have been married for 2&1/2 years and my marriage has been plagued with secrets, I’m constantly finding my husband contacting & flirting with other women. He agrees he’s wrong yet it keeps happening over and over again. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m dying inside. I want our connection back but I don’t have the faintest idea how that can be repaired while he won’t come clean. He’s lying and then lying about his lies. I still love my husband and wish to fix our marriage but I feel that I can’t trust him even to go to the bathroom. There is a horrible pattern that he gets caught and within days things go back to “normal” and so he never learns his lesson. I give him space, don’t question him and it seems the more space he gets the more he does it.
What if you do all that, and he still lies? For 16 years I thought I had the perfect marriage. Hardly any “real” fights, we never went through each others things, (not once did I ever go through his phone or social media accounts, I didn’t even look at his calls/texts log on our phone bill). Which is probably why it took me months to figure out he had been texting his ex girlfriend from high school. (He had also made a secret facebook, and went to see her when he went to his hometown without me). Since then I am a different person, whereas before this incident I completely trusted him, I no longer trust him at all. Not even a little bit. He claims he cut off all contact, but why should I believe him? Why should I believe anything that comes out of his mouth ever again?
Laura,
My husband and I have been married for five years. We have a good marriage, though we’re stressed with a three year-old and one year-old twins…not enough stress to tear us apart but we definitely bicker.
My husband tends to lie about money. For example, we used to have direct deposit to a joint account for mortgage/joint bills (I’m the only one working right now). When he started a new job a few years ago, he split the direct deposit without telling me; he was keeping $300 for himself every two weeks but told me 100% of his pay was going into the joint account.
The most recent example was that I gave him the last $340 of my own small savings to pay off a tuition bill, which he used as intended; however, he also got money from his parents for the same reason and instead cashed their check for himself. We are on one income now (with him back in school) and finances are so tight that I just used a credit card in my own name to pay the mortgage…yet he keeps $375 for himself without telling me? Today (after I found out about the $375 yesterday), he said he needed to buy a textbook; I told him I literally had no money left and our credit is maxed out (all of which is true)…his response was that he was “utterly speechless” to hear that. How can he be so cruel to say something like that when I know he got money from his parents?
By the way, the only reason I know about that is that I snooped in his account. I want to bring this up to him but don’t know how or if I should because I wasn’t honest by snooping. But it hurts so much, and no matter how dire I tell him our finances are, he is still dishonest. Any suggestions?
Hi Laura,
After looking through the internet for help I came across your article. My husband and I have been married since 2016. I consider him my best friend and my partner. We have been through a lot since we met. We were both drug addicts and over came that and now live a sober life. My husband and I have always been honest with each other and I have never had to question anything in our relationship. My husband recently got a new iPhone. The information on his phone is very personal we have bank information and other accounts on it. He has it set up to be unlocked only by his fingerprint. We have never been the type of people to lock our phones. I understand that the information is very important and needs to be protected. I have never snooped in his phone and he has never had to Snoop through mine. Recently I was contacted by a lady on Instagram. She shared screenshots of a conversation between her and my husband. The conversation was inappropriate and it also contained information about him having an inappropriate video chat with another woman who randomly hit him up on Instagram. I was crushed. He tried to tell me as little as he could making me feel like he wasn’t being honest about Everything that happened in the video chat with the other woman. I have lost all my trust in him. I’m not doing well at all with this. He was the last person I expected to hurt me. I once caught him masturbating to porn and he was embarrassed. I let him know that since I provided Everything that a man could ever want in the bedroom there’s no reason why he should look at porn . Laura I had a horrible porn addiction. I laid it down when I gave my life to Jesus. Satan tries to tempt me all the time and I never give in. I Know if I give in even once I will be right back in my addiction full speed. I feel like he doesn’t understand why I need him to not give in to these sexual desires. I love sex lol I really do I love trying new things and he knows that. I am so afraid I will let this get the best of my confidence and I don’t want to get into a place where I’m always questioning myself. How can I get better at not letting these things effect my confidence? What can I do to not become crazy with worrying about my husband doing things behind my back? I want to trust him again. I’m thinking of putting us in couples counseling. What can you suggest?
My husband and I have been together for a year. It was a whirlwind romance. I am previously divorced. For the first time in my life I feel in love. He gives me butterflies. Our sex life is phenomenal … Pretty much every night sometimes the mornings too. Best sex we have ever had..
We mutually agreed. It’s so passionate and love filled. We talk about everything and anything. For the first time in my life I feel safe and secure. I told him this. I told him I feel physically and emotionally safe with him. We both love to make each other happy. All we want to do is spend more time together. He talks about moving to my home town so I can be happier and be with my family. This is all his idea, unprovoked. I have previously caught him in lies. They are little dumb lies. The first was about him texting a girl from his work. I knew he was doing it because I could see messages on this phone and then the next morning they would be deleted. When I questioned him about it he would say he hasn’t talked to her in days. Because I caught him in a lie I installed spyware at on his phone so I could see what he was doing. He was unaware. Text messages between him and this girl what platonic absolutely nothing sexual or emotionally inappropriate. So I confronted him. He got a little angry and we worked it out. He told me he would never lie to me again. my main thing was deleting messages and that you would only delete something if you had something to hide. This issue has happened a few more times. Then he went and tattoo girl when I was flying back home and visiting my family in another state. Neglected to tell me about it I found out from Facebook. The last time it happened I told him and I was going to leave and it was over I couldn’t do it anymore. But we worked through that and have had complete transparency because I needed time to learn to trust him again and we are still in that phase. Upon looking on his phone I saw a girl he searched for on his Facebook. When I asked him about her he said she was just a girl from one of the groups he’s in. Last night I find out she is the girl at the coffee stand next to his work. He has searched a second girl that works there too. Last three searches for girls that he deleted but I found it in the history and what doesn’t. He’s fine I lied to me again. I don’t think he’s cheating because he comes home to me every night and do spend almost every waking hour together I don’t know when he will cheat. I don’t know what to do about the lying. Can you just give me a straight answer please I’m desperate?
My husband repeatedly entered transactions that I do not know about. Recently, it involved huge money that he loaned for and to clients and now we are in deep debt. Recently, he has been meeting with a woman (client) because they are planning things that will bring big money. If all goes well, he gets his money back from this woman plus more. However, I did not know all of these if I haven’t become suspicious that he is keeping secrets. Now he tells me that this woman and him are friends. He also told me that I do not need to know their transaction but that everything he is doing is for our future. I feel hurt that my husband do not want me to share his troubles. I have also read some text exchanges with the woman and I felt jealous that he can be open with her but not with me. He used to be honest and open with me. It was one of the things I love him for. I feel that our relationship is crumbling and my insecurities have come out like wildfire.
My husband was always honest with me…but recently I noticed he always had his phone, etc (red flag). Finally he told me he didn’t want to be married anymore (12 years married, 17 together). He said he was talking to a mutual acquaintance we know. I was so angry but I wanted our marriage to work. I’ve caught him ina lie recently where he said he didn’t see her but I think he cheated on me based on texts etc. I can’t even believe he would betray me like that and how or why would I want to be with someone like that?! This is all recent. And I have no idea how to move forward. I want a divorce but thinking about the expenses and logistics makes me sick. We have 2 sweet children. How could he do this to them? I never wanted a broken home!
I found out my husband cheated on me with his ex wife who he has a child with. We have been married for 3 years. Admittedly our marriage looked outwardly happy, but inwardly it was a mess. We fought all the time, we stopped having sex and we did not know how to communicate with each other. I will admit that i have control issues. I am a nagger and i am a control freak. I push people to strive for greatness, i am more financially stable than my husband, he has this issue with consistency and finishing things so he never completed his education. I have known this about him from the beginning of our marriage, and i have tried to push him to be different and achieve more, but i realize that it is coming off as nagging and putting pressure on him.
My husband cheated on me because he doesn’t know how to communicate that he is unhappy and he takes matters into his own hands to self soothe. He knows and has admitted this about himself. He also said the lack of sex and constant fights made him want to escape. We were seperated for 6 months have been going to counseling and are trying work out our marriage. We are slowly learning to communicate, but i do not trust him at all and i know he doesn’t feel like he is in a safe marriage. One of the things we did was set up boundaries on his communication with the ex wife since they share a child. We both decided that i would act as mediator and she could contact me for things relating to their child since direct contact between the two of them is a huge trigger.
Recently, we had a fight and i threatened divorce and told him i was done with the marriage. Unbeknownst to me, he reached out to his ex wife after we had the fight to get some information from her regarding their sons christmas gifts. She is the one who told me about it casually, not realizing i had no idea he did this. I confronted him and asked why he reached it and why he also deleted the texts. He admitted to me that he did reach out to her but that he deleted the text messages because we had been fighting and were making up, and he didn’t want me to get angry all over again. So it was easier to just fib.
This to me is a breach of trust all over again, reminding me of cheating behavior. While the context of the texts were innocent ( the ex forwarded the messages, they were all appropriate) the intent behind his actions have put a new fear in my heart. He told me he did it because he truly believed we were getting divorced and it was an act of freedom from the “rules” of our marriage.
I don’t know what to do. He has lied and breached trust again to cover himself and to avoid conflict and i do realize that our marriage is not safe. It is not a comfortable environment for him to tell the truth in. He constantly feels judged because he cheated and he lies. But the thing is Indon’t even know if he would be honest even if it was a comfortable space for him. He might just be a compulsive liar.
I caught my husband using a dating chat app. He claims its to get revenge on losing out on money he gave to a woman over 10 years ago. Deep down, I know better. He flat out lied to me and said he deleted said app. The night I confronted him, I was so deeply hurt, I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. He never deleted the app and he is still talking to her. I’ve pleaded with him. I’ve prayed. He just doesn’t care enough to stop. Every time I try to be intimate, telling him what I’d like, he avoids it. I don’t know how much more I can handle from him. It hurts so bad that he would rather use his chat “girlfriend” than to actually talk to me. I tried letting it go, but he deliberately uses the app while sitting next to me!! I caught him sending dirty pics. How am I supposed to react? I’m tired of arguing with him. I’m so close to just giving up trying to save my marriage. If he really wants his “revenge” then I will let him have it.
Misty, that is so painful. I’m sorry to hear you’re on the verge of giving up. When you have to see this behavior day after day, I don’t blame you.
I used to plead with my husband to change his behavior. But my reaction only seemed to reinforce it and push him further away. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills and finally learned the tools to attract him back to me. Now he is eager to please me, desire, cherish and adore me.
You can save your marriage too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
I’m posting from the opposite side here. I’m failing and lost I feel like. Over the last 8 months I have been undergoing extensive therapy for childhood sexual abuse and PTSD. As a result at an early age I began creating false online persona’s, engaging in conversation with people online, and lying to escape the world I was In. My wife and I have been great for the last 6 mo the or so since I was caught in what I thought was the bomb shell of my secrets and deceit. I thought I had been fully open and honest with her and some recent dental work I am having done crept back in as I had not originally told her the severity of the work needed to be done. I started the work and was paralyzed by fear
Of telling her I needed to do more work than she knew out of fear of losing her from this last major episode. When this all started and I told her I had nothing else I was lying about and we could start to heal, this never crossed my mind. Now I’m afraid she’s not going to believe me and all the work I’ve been doing for us and our kids of these last few months is not going to help our marriage anymore. Is there anything I can say to her to help ease the pain of my actions again?
IL, I really admire your commitment to healing yourself and your marriage. It is scary for all your efforts to be jeopardized by this. While I coach women only, I do have a blog post for men here that can help you.
Yesterday when I got home I was in a great mood! Until I walked in the door 🙁 everyone was home all day and nothing was done. The house was a mess. Stuff everywhere! Jason was on the ps4, kaitlin was on her phone and Justin was drinking out back. I didn’t say a word about it. Just asked who wanted to go with me to buy life jackets! Nobody. Sigh. So I walked out b4 I got more upset. Turned around to take everyone to the band shell! Nobody wanted to go 🙁 sigh. Forget it, I’ll go by myself! Justin guilted kaitlin to go. She told me to just let people be themself. Ugh. She knows how I hate clutter. I let it go. I am trying so hard not to blow up! But their mess has been there for a week! The ONLY room that is clean is the sunroom. Which I worked on last weekend. I just want to go to bed when I get home. But even then when Justin decides to go to bed his snoring keeps me awake! I was going to sleep on the couch but kids were up laughing. Didn’t want to interrupt that at 2am. Cheers to 11hr work days. At my wits end. Sigh….
Kristina, this sounds absolutely exhausting! I would be at my wits’ end too. I admire you for your commitment to being respectful and choosing intimacy even when they are making you crazy!
I remember when the clutter in my house was making me crazy. I was working so hard while my husband watched TV, which made me furious. The 6 Intimacy Skills empowered me to focus on my own happiness and express my limitations and my desires in a way that inspires. I haven’t done the dishes since! And now I get to feel cherished, desired and adored.
I would love to support you to receive the help and consideration you deserve. Have you had a chance to attend my free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills?
I have such a problem with your advice. Why is my husband’s honesty MY responsibility? If he’s afraid of my reaction, he needs to man up and learn to communicate properly with me. If he wants to do things and have autonomy but it impacts ME and our family life and his responsibilities at home, he needs to communicate with me in an honest way and talk through his wants and needs. Not just “tell me what I want to hear” and do whatever he wants anyway. Such an old fashioned and sexist outlook to be coming from a woman. I’m so tired of giving men a pass for being guys and their needs being met. It’s time for men to make concessions and maybe skip that guys day out to help out at home.
I hear you, Jane. Your husband should man up and learn to communicate properly with you! And help you at home instead of going out–absolutely!
I felt the same way. The problem was, he wasn’t doing it. He just kept telling me what I wanted to hear and helping me less and less. It was painful to be at his mercy when all my efforts to make him man up only worsened the problem. What a relief to see that, as a woman, I had the power to change this dynamic with the 6 Intimacy Skills. Now he does communicate honestly with me and even skips going out to help me and be with me!
I’m hearing that being told what he thinks you want to hear and not getting the help you need isn’t working for you either. If you want to experiment a new approach, I’d love to empower you too. My upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills is free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My husband is a life long liar. He just doesn’t see dishonesty as such a big deal. My problem isn’t with the things he’s lying about, but more, how to get him to see his lying/hiding/deceiving is hurtful and destructive. We separated 2 years ago for several months for this reason.
We recently returned from a great weekend away that reconnected us and left us giddy as when we were first dating, 20 years ago. Monday, I called him for a favor around 4pm and he pretended to be at work, literally acting out walking to his vehicle to check his personal phone for me and offering to stop working every so often to check it, saying he was finishing up soon and heading home. The whole time, he was sitting at his friends smoking weed. When I found out, it was like being punched in the gut. Worse, he offered no remorse. He just said, ” You never really asked me where I was.” He is angry at me for being upset about nothing and we haven’t spoken in 2 days.
I’d like to take some blame for being controlling and punishing in the past. But, since we’ve got back together I have really changed and I even often suggest he go visit his friend after work. However, I know it’s not just a reaction to the fear of confrontation that causes him to lie. I hear him lie to people all the time. Small lies, embellishments, making up stories, etc so it seems like it’s a compulsion.
I have been working for the last year on giving him his space and his privacy, and I know I still have more growth in that area. But, It’s so difficult to continue to trust and let someone be free when they’re a dishonest person. How do I help someone see that deception in all it’s forms has no place in a relationship?
Kimberly, ouch! I can see why you felt punched in the gut at being deceived yet again. I admire you for reconciling with your husband and for all you’re doing to respect his space and privacy.
I remember when my husband’s behavior was a deal breaker for me. I felt so hopeless when I realized there was nothing I could do to change him. But the 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to inspire him to want to please me and be his best self, and trust was restored.
If I can do it, I know you can create an culture of mutual trust and respect so you can feel cherished, desired and adored too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
So sad that these women have legitimate fears and concerns and should obviously leave their unfaithful husbands and you tell them they can “fix” the situation by paying for your “advice”. So sad for you and them.
Beth, I totally agree that fears about being in these marriages are legitimate. I thought I knew what was best for such women too, which is why I had my own fear of coming out in favor of them being the experts on their own lives.
I don’t recall telling anyone to pay in this free blog or to take my advice or even to fix anything. I don’t like taking advice either! Being open to hearing the experience of other courageous women is another story, for me.
Hi, I have been with my husband 22 years and we have 3 children. My husband has been lying since the beginning of our relationship about porn addiction, dating sites, looking up escort agencies, finances, and so many other things. He had an affair a few years back and it’s taken him all this time to admit it was physical.
He is a very secretive man and seems to cherish his privacy above everything else. The relationship has been verbally abusive since the birth of my 1st child and the physical abuse has been escalating over the last 5 years.
My husband seems to have a complete lack of empathy or compassion towards me. I’m very depressed and have been for some time. We went to counselling but the dynamics of our relationship barely improved.
What would you suggest to a wife in this situation? I feel terribly deceived, manipulated and hurt beyond belief.
LonelyWife, I’m sorry to hear that your husband has been abusive and lying about such hurtful things. I address this very question in my latest blog post, “How to Know if You Should Get a Divorce,” here. If you or your children are not safe, that is a divorce I endorse. If you choose to stay, I invite you to see how the 6 Intimacy Skills can transform your marriage. I’ll give them to you in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hello… I am recently married (8 1/2 months) with a brand new baby… my husband is a great father and I truly believe he loves me. But unfortunately I caught him in a lie last night. He was an addict for years and has been clean 4 years now and he came home late last night and I could tell he was high. He refused to tell me but I already knew. He waited until 2 hours of me crying and being upset to finally admit to me and I think he only admitted because I told him me and the baby was going to my mom’s to stay. I am so hurt inside cause he’s never lied to me before (at least that I know of) and we are so new to this marriage that I’m afraid we are gonna lose it. I don’t know how to get past this! Please help me with some advice ….
Jenny, I can see why you’re feeling so hurt. Finding out he relapsed and lied about it would make me afraid too. I admire you for having the courage and vulnerability to reach out for support. Congratulations on the birth of your baby! I remember how hurt I felt when my husband would lie to me. I didn’t realize I had the power to cultivate more honesty in our marriage, until I found the 6 Intimacy Skills. Now he wants to open up to me, and I have the playful, passionate marriage I always wanted. I want you to have that safety in your marriage too so you can have the honeymoon you deserve! If I can bring back my honeymoon “phase,” I know you can too. I’ll give you the tools in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I am with Jenny… My husband has relapsed twice during our marriage and it has caused MANY other problems as well… I stuck it out, doubled down, provided support and helped our family through. Through it but not unscathed… I have previously thought as you do, that I need to trust and cultivate honesty (more through my own boundaries), but I gave him his space to make his choices and take care of what was needed.
Now here I sit, 5 months pregnant and knowing he’s lying with a STRONG suspicion of another relapse.
I can allow my husband to make his own choices, but I will not allow him to avoid the consequences.
I KNOW I can only change MY view and control MY choices… My choice is to leave now. I know I cannot completely empty myself because there is already nothing left. I need to take care of myself to be the best mother to our children and I cannot travel down this road with him this time.
My husband is an enabler. His mother was a functioning alcoholic I was to allow her into our home and let her drink. When he would go to bed early and leave her with me and our small children, it never ended well. I finally put my foot down and said no more. She was OK to come but had to do it without her alcohol . WELL I was the family B&*#&! Now his two brothers are daily heavy pot smokers. One is a pediatrician and that bothers me more than you know. The second one smokes from the minute he gets up till bedtime. I DO NOT WANT POT in my home. I have told this to my husband and he says it won’t happen but it does. HOW do I manage with this man that enables, due to he does not want any conflict. He tells me his brother makes poor choices, the other (the DR) is very odd and mean….but he always sides with them and makes me feel like I am the unreasonable one. My reaction to finding pot in my house recently was HUGE. I just walked into our home, after finding out on the car ride home that my cousin died suddenly, and found his brother had a stash of pot on the end table in our guest bedroom (he is visiting ) I confronted my husband and said “you said this wasn’t going to come into our home” and he replied I don’t know anything about it, its not me, I did not do anything….MY reply was YES that is the problem YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING about it…..HELP
Hew, it must be so frustrating that you and your husband aren’t on the same page with this and doesn’t seem to hear you. I admire your vulnerability asking for help and your commitment to your marriage. I used to feel so frustrated and alone when my husband and I weren’t on the same page. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to express my limits and my desires in a way that inspired him to please me. I’ll bet your husband would love to make you happy too. I would love to empower you with tools to handle this conflict in a respectful way that honors your desires so you can restore the intimacy and safety in your home. I have a free webinar that you will find so valuable, called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I’m sorry that I disagree with this article. It reads like how I should treat my teenager. We are talking about grown-up men here. If they are doing something damaging to a marriage and/or family (i.e. pornography use, money issues, addictive behaviors, etc.) that is information the other partner deserves to know in order to make decisions for her life and her family’s based on true information.
My husband has lied about pornography, money issues, work issues, etc. ALL of which impact my life, and my family’s.
With the pornography, he knew before we married that one of my biggest fears was living a life where my husband was secretly watching porn. He swore to me he would never let that happen. 10 years and 2 kids later, I find out the entire time he was watching it and lied to me over and over to cover my suspicions. The lies and false information led me to make life choices that would have been severely altered if I had the truth. He basically stole my freedom from me by lying.
With work and money, he has led our family through chaos and turmoil because he pretends everything is fine, and convinced me it was okay to not work and to focus on the kids. I then find out he lied to me, lied to all of his clients, to cover his slow and lazy work ethic, which then led to bringing us to the brink of homelessness (and I’m 8 months pregnant with out third child). Note that I am a very thorough and careful person, and can read people very well. but my husband is *just that good* at lying, that I felt for it time after time. I feel like a fool. And once again, if I had known about his issues with work, I would have made different decisions about my working or not, which would have saved us from this situation. He had me truly believing it was bad clients, or faulty payment systems that led to us not getting payments. NOPE. It was just him not completing his work.
So while I appreciate the intent of this article, it reads to me on how to be a doormat and enable these man-children (or women-children) to continue choosing themselves over what is most important. Understanding your spouse and the reasons behind their actions is all well and good, but don’t forget these people are also stealing your freedom to make decisions for your life and family based on TRUE information.
Renae, I’m sorry to hear that your husband has lied to you about such fundamental issues. That sounds really painful, and it’s heartbreaking that you’re at risk for homelessness, especially while expecting. I hear that this approach is not a fit for you. For me, giving my husband autonomy over his own choices, making the decision to trust him, and creating a culture of honesty and emotional safety in my marriage has not only given me an honest husband but greater intimacy with him. Above all, I have felt empowered rather than being a doormat. I wish the same for you. You did deserve to know the truth–and still do. If you’re interested in other approaches to feeling empowered in your marriage, you’re welcome to attend my upcoming webinar, “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life,” at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
This is great advice Laura! If you do find out your husband about lying, do you ever agree to confronting him about it or let it go and work on yourself?
RedRose, I love your openness to focusing on yourself. Great question! There are many ways to practice all 6 Intimacy Skills in this situation, so your question warrants a longer conversation than my brief post here. However, I do introduce Skills to use with a lying husband in my free upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura,
Thanks for the article! In all honesty, this is the first website I have seen that has realistic and useful information.
I caught my husband in a few lies very recently. One of these instances is where he lied about meeting up with another woman. He covered it up by stating he was meeting a mutual friend instead but I knew this wasn’t the case. I have not confronted him but now, coupled with his other lies, I can’t shake this horrible feeling that there’s more to this or that he has lied to me in the past.
What should I do? What am I doing wrong?
You’re welcome, Kim! I’m sorry to hear you’ve caught your husband lying. Ouch. I remember how painful and lonely it was when I felt I couldn’t trust my husband. Now that I’ve been practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills a while, we have mutual trust and connection–the kind of marriage I’d always hoped for. That’s what I want for you too! I share more about how to get there in my free upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura,
First, I love your posts! They are very helpful! I feel so inspired after reading your articles/stories and watching your videos. We are lucky as women to have such gifts!! Now, if we can only stay present to them more often 😉
I have a question about a past reaction to a lie or omitting something.
What if my reaction(s) in the past has been one that goes against everything you say above (especially – he was protecting me and I was not providing emotional safety, freedom)? We have an excellent ability to talk through these types of issues, and come to an understanding, but I feel that even those types of conversations can drive a wedge between us (i.e., the fact that we even HAD to discuss it because I felt hurt that he was omitting something probably causes him to retract). How do I let him know that I’m aware my actions were unfavorable and that I’m committed to not being that way? Do I bring it up and apologize and let him know that i’m sorry for responding that way and that I do trust him? Or is it something I should not verbally address, but instead wait for another opportunity to NOT respond negatively, and over time my actions (or lack of action) will speak louder? Does that make sense? 🙂
Thank you!
Thanks, Nicole! I hear that you feel uncertain how to proceed as you practice restoring respect. I love your sense of gratitude and empowerment as a surrendering woman! Kudos on your willingness to apologize for past actions and change your behavior in the future too.
I remember my uncertainty when I started surrendering. Getting support helped me learn how to use all 6 Intimacy Skills in conjunction with one another. I’d love to see you build on the great results you’re already getting so you feel fully cherished, desired and adored. I admire your desire to stay present to that intention and invite you to try my 5-Day Get Cherished Challenge at http://getcherished.com
How about when you have decided that you just want to say,”NO!!!!” to the bulls$@! and just be done with this person that you can’t forgive because he never offers a satisfying apology?
Dot, I love that you turn here to vent and admire you for reaching out for support. Grr, I know how frustrating it is not to get that apology! I remember when I thought leaving was my only option. Thank goodness I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which transformed my marriage into the playful and passionate one I have today. (Now I have plenty of forgiveness and get lots of apologies too!) I’d love to see you deepen your learning of the 6 Intimacy Skills and experience how that turns things around. I invite you to try the 5-Day Get Cherished Challenge, where you can also read a free chapter of my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife: http://getcherished.com
My husband has been lying to me me about finances; bills, mortgage, etc for the past 3 years. The tax sale of our home was the first of many reality checks that only heightened my anxiety. This is the man who promised to love, honor, and cherish right? I assumed he would protect his family as well, but Im not so sure. We recently claimed bankruptcy, after a false start by said husband, only to find he dropped the ball after hearing that our home was foreclosed and we should file chapter 7 instead of 13.
Finally, after 4 months suggestedI physically visiting the lawyer office, while communicating to my husband I would be doing so, and he agreed originally to meet me there. When the time came, of course he was caught in traffic and it would have been impossible to meet with the attorney together because one of us would have to provide our chidren a ride home from school. I boldly decided to personally address the law office and was blindsided when they told me my husband did not provide the necessary documents after informing him that a chapter 13 would not be advisable considering that the forclosure had finalized.
I broke down emotionally especially when the secretary said, ” Im surprised you’re still on the property” underlining the fact that he had been planning to make us homeless. We had an eviction notice at that point which he assured myself and our children was just a formality and that rhe bankruptcy chapter 13 was still a go. Luckily, I was made aware of the situation about
a week before the next eviction notice arrived and we had filed for a chaoter 7 bankruptcy.
We were able to file for chapter 7 which traditionally means your house is forfeited, but i found a solution after much research. I left the ball in his court although he has burned me so many other times. I keep giving him ways to redeem himself and save our family.
We have two children, 10 & 13, who are very connected to this house as it has been their only home. I have tried to shield them from the fallout of this familial dysfunction as much as possible.
Jay, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through all this. It must be so stressful, I can see why you broke down. Finances have been the scariest thing for me to relinquish control of. Thankfully, there are tools to help your husband take initiative and become successful with the finances. If that sounds like what you want, I invite you to my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I have done these things with some good results but it doesn’t change my nasty, adversarial heart. Some days I just have to say,”No! I don’t want to!” I will never stop wanting what I want, and probably I will never get it. I have to be honest with myself that I will NEVER love my husband keeping information from me and it makes me not want to be with him. Honestly each day I do the ‘right’ thing and don’t make a fuss and I care less each day and need him less each day also. That’s my reality. I can practice this stuff and life gets so much better for him, but then I hate him to be honest. I feel like a wild, bucking bronco even though I do what I am supposed to do. So suppressing all of this is going to probably make me sick in the long run. I have read all of the books already.
Dot, it must be frustrating to make such an effort and not have the connection it sounds like you want. I admire you for being so accountable and receptive to learning the Six Intimacy Skills. It sounds like you’ve been doing an amazing job biting your tongue and letting go of expectations too. I hear you–suppressing has never worked for me either! I love how the Intimacy Skills have empowered me to say what I want. It sounds like you’re very in touch with what you want too, which means you’re way ahead of where I was when I started! You can fall in love with your husband again. I’d love to see you have a connection you can feel good about, where you honor your desires and feel heard. If you’re ready to take your marriage to the next level, I have a webinar coming up called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura,
My husband and I got married July 2016. Once we came home he text his ex wife about someone that passed. They both knew the person 20 years ago. She didn’t remember him. My husband seems to contact his ex wife now and then, then tells me she contacted him. They have a 9 year old son that I also take care of when he is with us. My husband has lied also about running to go and help her, then tell his son not to tell me but he did. My husband tells me that he should be able to talk with her because they share a son which I completely understand although I share that son now too and everything discussed between them should not be lied about plus to me it feels like he uses his son as an excuse tp talk with her about anything he feels like. His mother interacts with her a lot as well and tells her our business. ( because he tells his mother our business)
If I show my hurt or try to talk about this he says that if I don’t stop our marriage is not going to make it.
Antoinette, I hear that you are hurting. I admire you for reaching out for support on how to deal with that painful dynamic. Your coming here shows that you must have some faith that things can change, and I know that they can! You can have a marriage of mutual trust and respect, one where you feel heard. From what you’re describing, I think you will benefit from my free webinar, called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Laura, I purchases your books The Surrendered Wife via Google Play Book and First LKATMC via Kindle. Will these books work for wives of husbands whose work is closely related to porn and prostitution?
Serenity, I can see why you would be worried that your situation is uniquely problematic. Sounds like that must be pretty challenging to have your husband in that field! I can see why you might feel that way, anyway. Good news though–The Six Intimacy Skills you’ll find in those books will transform your relationship and show you how you have the power to create what you want in your marriage. There is every reason to be hopeful in your circumstance.
Laura, thank you for your words of wisdom. How can i get the surrendered wife in Nigeria?
Charie, Thanks for asking about The Surrendered Wife in Nigeria. Can you order from Amazon there? Maybe a bookstore can order it for you. I wish I could be more help but I’m not sure where to direct you on that question.
Ok, I’ve read and reread the above and excerpts from the book. So I follow the skills presented and what? Wait it out for how long? Suppose the skills do not produce desired results? It’s eating my insides away from the stress and sadness I feel ‘hoping’ that the lies will stop. I know why he’s lying, but I also know I cannot try to build trust when I can no longer trust even his weather report! His actions are telling me he is remorseful and his attentiveness has significantly increased where he is constantly reassuring me we are rebuilding. But then, I catch the lie. Or lies. Or ‘manipulation of the truth’ to cover himself. Supposedly action is the key to measuring progress, oh yes, his new behaviors are wonderfully encouraging, (Thank you Laura as I have been applying the skills learned from your book), but why is lying about the relationship still ongoing? I am struggling daily with this anguish.
Debra, That sounds incredibly painful and hard. I’m sorry to hear your man is so deceitful. When you feel hopeless that it’s ever going to improve that’s usually a sign that you need more support. It’s been invaluable to me to have other women who stand for my greatness and for my marriage. I’d love to see you have that too. Here’s what I suggest for you. I have a free webinar called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You’d find it so valuable. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I am sick to my stomach with all the lies this past year. Another woman he has been texting. Saying they were friends. He left 3 weeks after our home burned down and is clearly with her now. We are still married, he is controlling all our money and insurance. Its hard to say reading a book is going to help. I love him and don’t want a divorce, but I don’t know how to protect myself with all his lies and manipulations. He’s mean and angry when we talk but just a week ago was kind and and helpful. Just so wore down.
Marie, That sounds painful and scary. I can see why you feel reading a book may not be enough. Sounds like you could use some encouragement, and I believe there is definitely hope for your marriage. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and see if coaching support might be just what you need right now. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I’ve cheated on my wife due to lack of intimacy in our marriage, for years she hasn’t kissed, hugged nor complimented me, I don’t think what I did was right but it did feel human again to have someone interested in me for however brief it was. She found out and now things are even worse, I love her but I am confused about leaving or staying, it’s not about another woman because I very seriously doubt if I will ever be in another relationship again. The part that is being over looked is the 19 plus years of no emotional connection, if I am being selfish help me to see my part, I am so frustrated. HELP!
Kenny, I’m so sorry to hear. Sounds very painful. I still remember our marriage being the way you describe and it was awful.
Maybe this is the breakdown before the breakthrough. I’m here to help if you can think of anything I can do. This blog might help:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/how-to-get-your-wife-to-stop-nagging/
Laura,
I love this blog post. I agree that when a wife cannot be “safe” in her response to her husband’s choices, the husband will feel like he needs to hide, which comes across as lying. If the wife is safe and her husband feels comfortable telling her about some of the choices he is making, how can the wife express her dislike of something without coming across as controlling? If I am uncomfortable or scared by a choice he is making, is it ok to so say? By just saying, “thank you for sharing that with me”, it feels like I am agreeing with him. How do I navigate this?
Rebecca, I can see why you don’t want to agree with things that you don’t agree with. For me, the magic was when I figured out the difference between my husband and me. When he made a choice that scared me, it was up to me to either decide to trust him or else focus on how that affected me and speak to that only–not to his choices for himself. I explain this thoroughly in my book, The Empowered Wife. You would find it very valuable. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com
When my Husband lies I always call him out on his disrespect for me. Lies are NEVER ok. We Women should hold our men to the same high standard we hold ourselves to.
Nin, I can see why you feel that way. The challenge, in my experience, is that calling him out on his disrespect for me was never very effective in inspiring a different outcome or creating the connection I craved. The only person I can change is myself, and when I did, my husband responded to me in a much better way.
I have had the unfortunate trust issue with my husband. Several years back he was caught in quite a lie about another woman, which almost ended our marriage. At that time I was told by him that basically I am on a need to know basis. If he felt I needed to know then he would tell me, but if he didn’t think I needed to know then he would not tell me. He seems to still think this way. I have been able to let most of this go, but recently this woman sent a message to my husband stating that they would be friends forever. He stated that he was unaware of her sending this message, via facebook, which I believe him because the message was unseen by him for 6 months. He did not know it was there, but I found it looking up information on his sister. I want so much to trust him because I love him, but this woman seems to keep coming into our lives. With a proven affair with this person, is it wrong for me to expect him not to be her friend anymore, ever?
Stacey, I can see why your husband’s affair shook your faith in him! That must have been a horrible blow. You’ve done a good job letting go and that’s not easy to do. Almost sounds like he’s forgotten about her as well since he didn’t know about the message she sent for 6 months. I’ve found that just because I expect someone to do something, no matter how justified I am in expecting it, it doesn’t mean he will. I can only control myself, and when I focus on myself I’m amazed at how much power I have to make things playful, passionate and peaceful. The 6 Intimacy Skills helped me get there, and they’re all laid out in my book The Empowered Wife. You would find it so valuable. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
Nope!! Marriage is about 100% transparency at all times. If I leave my phone down my husband is allowed to pick it up anytime he wants and go through it, vice versa. We tell each other where we are going, who we are withand when to expect each other home. It’s called being married and It’s accountability and a courtesy to each other to do so. Marriage is a team and two become one, it’s not about keeping selfish needs its about respecting each other’s time and Passions but still sharing and being accountable to each other.
Good for you but not everyone’s husbands/wives are this way. We would like to be but it’s not that easy if the other person is in unrepentant sin and selfishness. They don’t see it yet. I’ve learned to pray about everything and the Lord will take care of it. It has brought me closer to the Lord Jesus and has taken my sin of idoling my husband and having so many expectations of him. It’s a huge struggle because I still see my husbands sins more than my own. It’s still a challenge for me.
Rebecca, It’s very painful to be married to someone who’s selfish and doesn’t seem to care about you. I wouldn’t like that either. I can see why that’s hard. What made all the difference for me was focusing on improving my own shortcomings (there are many!) and also finding the good qualities in my husband (there are many of those too, if I choose to look for them). It definitely takes courage to do that, as you mention, but the results feel miraculous. My suffering was never about my husband–it was all self-inflicted! And that was good news because it meant that I had the power to improve my situation. Looking at my husband’s faults was just a bad habit that I don’t miss. Small changes can make a big difference. This blog shows you how to get started:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/six-intimacy-skills/
Well said!!! And 100% agree with looking at our selves First
I agree with you.this is how I see marriage but the problem when your partner still lives in the fantasy of being single and not sharing important things with you.lately I discovered my husband lied to me about the trips he was taking saying that he’s going to an x place for work but in fact he doesn’t he travels somewhere else to meet friends as he said when I confronted him after I saw his passport stamps. And why I did that because he was acting weird distracted most of the day and I was asking him what’s wrong and he kept saying nothing. I faced him and asked him if there’s someone else if he cheated but he denied it. I’m not sure if I should trust his answer but I know that I have a 10 month baby who doesn’t deserve to live the divorce life of his parents. What shall I do?I’m so confused.
F.sh., I can see why it’s hard to trust your husband after catching him lying to you. I hear that you’re confused but know you don’t want a divorce. I admire you for being so committed as a wife and mother. Congratulations on your new baby!
I remember how scary it was to feel I couldn’t trust my husband. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which turned everything around for us. Now he shows me every day that I come first for him and that he has my best interests at heart.
If I can do it, you can restore the trust in your marriage too. Your child will be so lucky to be raised in a healthy, loving environment! I’ll give you the tools to create that environment in my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills. It’s free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Absolutely agree!
My husband was on porn/chat room apps for over a year before I found out. We have three small children, and I want our marriage to work, however I find it so difficult to trust him again. I am scared it’s still going on, even though he assures me that it’s not. I read your book, and it’s been so helpful! Any words of wisdom?
Bri, What an unpleasant surprise that must have been to discover! I’m happy to hear my book helped. Good for you for being open to learning what you can do differently to make things better–that’s where your power is. I hear you still get scared about this sometimes, and you want to trust him but that doubt creeps up. One of the things that’s helped me so much with being able to choose my faith over my fear is having a community of like-minded women who encourage and support me. I’d love to see you have that too. I have a free webinar called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life, and you can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I agree with your tips for honesty in a relationship. My frustration is that my husband repeats the same mistakes every couple years. He isn’t honest about money. We have bought and lost 3 homes and gone bankrupt twice. He will acquire debt through loans, credit cards and borrowing from friends or family without me being aware. He will carry the secret debt for a couple years until he can’t handle the stress anymore and then tell me. Each time I have been upset but then come up with a plan to get the debts paid and our agreement is for me to take over all the Finances and give him just what he needs to function. He goes along with that for a couple years and our finances improve, I think we’re both on the same page and happy about the progress but he’s secretly resenting me and eventually acquires more debt and the cycle repeats. We are now separated and in the 6 months since he took all access to his paychecka away from me he has acquired new debts of over $10,000.00 as well as draining our business account that his name wasn’t even on. He got the debit card number.
Is there help for us or do I go ahead with filing for divorce?
Shelly, That sounds incredibly stressful! I can see why you’re wondering if this is hopeless, and why you’re tired of that pattern. There’s definitely hope for this relationship and for your finances to improve with the right information and support. I did what you did with cleaning up my husband’s messes so he didn’t have to for a long time too, and that kept us stuck. These days I just stay focused on what’s in front of me and let him deal with what’s in front of him and he’s like a different guy. Your relationship can be better than it’s been for a long time! I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches would be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank YOU, Laura!
I want to be a better wife & all your sharing is helping. 47 yrs we have been married, the Good Lord has saved our marriage several times. I am grateful He lead me to your site. We want more intimacy in our marriage…..God Bless YOU!!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What if even giving him that freedom, he hides things probably because he knows it’s wrong and feels guilty? How do you feel fulfilled in a marriage like that?
Liv, I’m not sure what it is he’s lying about, but that sounds very painful anyway. I do know this: The wife has tremendous power to influence her husband for the better. I had no idea until I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills, which are laid out in The Empowered Wife. You would find it so valuable. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
My husband shared with me that a co-worker texted him after the company Christmas Party while he was getting a nightcap at his hotel bar. She invited herself over to hang out with him and his story focused on how drunk she was (& drove anyway to see him & then they hung out for an hour while he tried to sober her up). I asked didn’t her Fiance’ mind that she went to you when the party was over and not to him – Trying to keep my temper with the obvious implication.
Do I encourage him to “protect” me by not telling me about these obvious lapses in judgement? or do I point out how he would feel if a coworker had texted me at my hotel and I accepted a drink, etc?
He clearly feels autonomy and no need to protect me and I’m not sure if I’d feel better not knowing or knowing and then letting my imagination fill in the blanks. Either way, his decision to accept her invitation to join him makes me unhappy.
K, I can see why your husband having a drink with a drunk female co-worker would make you uncomfortable for sure. One perspective is he doesn’t feel he has anything to hide, which says something about his loyalty. I have a free webinar that you would find valuable and would help with this situation. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
We are married for 10years. I went through a lot with him. Forgiving lies, drugs, alcohol, porn, cheating because I wanted to save our marriage. In a week our anniversary and he lied to me on a front of our child that he never did that. Even child knew that her dad is lying. He teach our children to lie…
Anna, you have been through so much, and it sounds further heartbreaking to see your children being affected by his lying. I admire your commitment and vulnerability in reaching out to share here.
I know some things seem unforgivable. One client found out her husband not only had a mistress but had been seeing prostitutes during their marriage. Still, she loved him and wanted to keep their family together, so she practiced the 6 Intimacy Skills. He left the other woman and came back home to her. Their marriage became stronger than ever.
You too can inspire the honesty and fidelity you deserve so your children can grow up in the loving environment you want for them. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
My Husband tells a lot lies, including me finding texts he was sending to an ex. The only reason I became suspicious when his “friend” called my house at 3am. I kicked him out he also sent this person jewelry. Do I do these things up above? He is still talking to this person via text. They also meet up but that didn’t go very well but this person is still trying to be with my husband. He says I have nothing to worry about with this person. I don’t want him to have his cake and eat too.
Mitzei, I’m sorry to hear about your husband connecting with another woman. That sounds devastating. I can see why you’re worried about this. This situation is completely solvable with the right information. You’ll be able to make your marriage better than it was before all this happened. I’d love to see you get your hands on the 6 Intimacy Skills, which are laid out step-by-step in my book/audio book, The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/