My Marriage is Miserable

How I Stopped the Fighting

By Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” —Proverbs 21:9 (NIV)

I met my husband in college, and disrespect started early—even before we got married.

He said he’d always dreamed his bride would come down the aisle followed by a long white train. I found a gown with a short train. He didn’t see until our wedding day that I had completely disregarded his wishes.

Six months into marriage, I complained bitterly to my mom and sister that I couldn’t see any advantage to being married.

I worked and he was in school, which created an awkward dynamic. He was spending my money, going golfing with his friends, or settling into a book or playing computer games at home, and I was lonely a lot. My expectations for a happy, fun, never-alone relationship were not being met.

I was miserable and told him so.

But we couldn’t stop fighting, until I learned these hacks for a happy marriage.

I read marriage books, and we went to marriage retreats. I wrote him letters with lists of what I thought he should be doing, telling him to try to be a better husband or get help. I complained to his family members, asking them to tell him the same thing.

I had lots of expectations and would frequently explain tearfully how much he was disappointing me. He would say I was impossible to please so why should he even try?

As we began talking about having kids, we went to a marriage counselor, hoping to resolve some long-standing fights. She was more like a referee—I said my side and he said his. There was an impasse so we quit going.

While I was pregnant, he was invited to a guys’ poker game and got hooked. He started spending hours playing online poker and reading about it. He quit coming to bed at the same time as me. I felt even lonelier and more trapped with a new baby and a mentally absent husband.

In commiserating with a friend, she told me about the book The Surrendered Wife, and I read it eagerly. I related to Laura’s experiences and tried to implement some of her recommendations. I committed to rereading it annually. Later, I subscribed to Laura’s emails, eventually going to the Cherished for Life Weekend and doing coach training.

Slowly, I began to implement the Six Intimacy Skills™ more consistently. Instead of complaining that we never took trips together, I began saying “I would love a getaway.” We had three last year alone!

Instead of my managing the money (as I did when we were first married) or second-guessing him when he did it, he now manages the finances and I try not to interfere. I do state my desires then trust him. He seems more confident and I feel much more relaxed.

Through self-care, I have allowed myself to enjoy life more. I have workaholic tendencies and get a lot of fulfillment through achievement. Now, I treat myself to tea dates with friends, pedicures, and regular hikes.

This has brought up my baseline happiness level so that I’m not relying on my husband to make me happy (or focusing on everything he’s not doing). It gives my mood a buffer against disappointments and frustrations.

But the Intimacy Skill that seems to have made the most impact has been gratitude.

Usually at bedtime, I reflect on the day and thank him for how he has helped. This has been magical in several ways: First, my mindset has shifted as I notice the positive. He seems much more relaxed and comfortable around me as he hears how much I like him and am thankful for him.

Not to mention he often comes to bed at the same time as me!

While things haven’t changed in some ways (he still plays poker and has different interests than mine), my attitude has changed. I choose intimacy over being right and in control all the time. I appreciate what I have and what he does.

When disappointments do come, through gratitude I bounce back more quickly and don’t find myself getting colds or headaches from them as much.

I was talking with a friend recently and mentioned that my husband was playing poker. She stopped me, shocked that for the first time she didn’t hear bitterness in my voice in telling her that.

Now, instead of being across the house or across the room from me, my husband will often come sit beside me in the evening. His quarrelsome wife is gone, the respectful one here to stay.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

8 replies on “My Marriage is Miserable”

Thanks. Nice to hear a real story without a necessarily fairytale ending ????. For those of us who fought for a decade or more before we found the skills, there is more damage, negative association, entrenched habits and pain in the mix. But it is still so wonderful to experience the huge changes that do happen… Like 3 getaways in one year, wow! And the deep learning we get after learning to accept outcomes different to those we want. Really appreciate hearing your story.

“And the deep learning we get after learning to accept outcomes different to those we want. “ I couldn’t have said it better Jane.

What about the husband who keeps cheating on his wife and all his girlfriends? Women are nothing but sex objects to him and he doesn’t care who he hurts, including his kids.

Its a beautiful story
But you cannot do the same with a bipolar husband that threathens me and uses bad words.and yes he doesnt work.i need to provide money always.and also his parents dont speak with me.
Its very sad when i read this verse of the bible that i know i am a good wife but he always use bad language with me and calling me horrible words.
I feel guilty because i cannot live with him but he always desire bad things to me.
I feel guilty before God because i cannot live with my husband in the way he does.if i allow money to him he will destroy it or spend all.
Could you be a respectful wife staying at home with husband in this situation?

I hear your heart and the struggle. I empathize and also believe in the search for help, guidance, and answers in the Bible. Laura’s wisdom of seeing outside ourselves at times, and seeing ourselves from another’s perspective is helpful and clarifying. I do believe I get godly guidance through her stories.
I write not as an expert on relationships, and what to do or not to do. Listen to your heart. Read uplifting stories from Laura’s followers to help you get the support and strength you need. I write to extend compassion for you and your situation. I will pray that God whispers to you the perfect answer.

Thank you very much.
I hope one day i can write my hubby anf me are together and ok.
Meantime i trust in God and i wait for His solutions.
I will read all books of laura and the blogs.
At least if my marriage cannot work i can see how many are working ok with happiness
Thanks

I’m here to fix my marriage. I love my husband more then anything in this world. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 7. He lost his job in December that meant the world to him and he changed so much, saying he wanted us to live separately for 6 months once our lease is up, which is now. My heart is broken into a million pieces over this, and I feel so lost. He says he needs the space to fix himself and to fall in love with me & miss me again. In 11 years we’ve probably gone 10 days total without seeing each other. He says this no break in our not working patterns will never get us to a better place. We lost sight of our love and the little things. It makes me very depressed to imagine him not coming back. I’m ready to do anything to get our marriage better then ever. I just purchased the ‘Empowered Wife’. I just want my husband back 🙁

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