Revive Relationship: The 30-Day Challenge
Can a relationship really turn around in just a month when it’s been struggling along or falling apart for years?
It definitely can, but only if the wife gets the right information and applies it. She holds the key.
It won’t help if the husband tries to apply it, and this isn’t for couples.
But any woman can use this 30-day plan to stop the bickering and get back the sizzle.
But what if the husband or boyfriend is the real problem, you might wonder?
I’m glad you brought that up because that’s the beauty of this 30-day plan: He will change too as you implement it, even if he doesn’t know you’re implementing it.
It won’t be hard work, but it will take some focus and energy, like everything in life that’s worthwhile.
Here is the 30-day plan to revitalize your relationship:
The night before: get plenty of sleep. You’ll want to be well-rested as you begin.
Day 1:
Do something frivolous and fun to make yourself ridiculously happy. Then do something else that you like even more. Then do one more thing that brings you joy. If you can’t stop smiling, you will know you’ve done this step well.
Day 2 – Day 7:
Repeat directions from Day 1. Make a list of all the frivolous, fun things that you like to do.
Day 3:
Notice that your happiness does not depend upon your man and what he does or doesn’t do.
Day 4:
Chat with a woman who gets you–a girlfriend, your sister or your mom. Tell her you’re on Day 4 of a 30-day plan for revitalizing your relationship. Tell her how it’s going so far. Talk about everything in the world.
Day 5:
Get some solitude–even if it’s only for 15 minutes.
Day 6:
Write down the three fun things you did today. Ask yourself how happy you are. If you’re not happy yet, do something else for frivolous fun until you are.
Day 7:
Decline to do something that would be exhausting or make you resentful, even if you feel guilty about not doing it. Say, “I can’t.” Rest up for the happy week ahead.
Day 8:
Be the Girl of Fun and Light today–for the whole day. Start a disco in the kitchen. Wear sexy shoes or a hat. Smile at your husband. Laugh at his jokes. Sing at the top of your lungs. Have no expectations except to have fun.
Repeat Day 1 instructions every day this week.
Day 9:
Think of something you want to control about your husband—something that bugs you or seems unacceptable to you. Have you thought of it yet? Next time it comes up and he says he’s going to do the very thing that you want to control, say to him, “Whatever you think,” or, “Whatever you think—I trust you.”
After all, you’ve tried telling him not to already and that didn’t work. Why not experiment with showing him you trust his decisions and see what happens?
Day 10:
Spend an hour listening to your husband by saying only, “I hear you,” or, “Uh-huh.” Instead of reacting to what he says, consider just bearing witness. Give him the gift of being heard and understood. Notice how much more he has to say than usual.
Day 11:
Recall something you’ve said to your husband that offended him, and say these words: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…said you are always grumpy.” Fill in the blank with the thing you said. Notice how he glows when you say those words.
Day 12:
Take stock of everything you appreciate about your husband. Write down at least 10 good qualities.
Day 13:
Read that list of good qualities from yesterday to yourself.
Day 14:
Pick one thing off your list and tell your husband how grateful you are for that one thing.
Day 15:
Repeat Day 1 instructions today and everyday this week. Also, give yourself a gold star for your progress so far. You’re halfway there! What changes have you noticed in yourself? What changes do you notice in your relationship?
Day 16:
Focus on saying, “Thank you,” to all the compliments you get today—not just from your man, but from everyone. No arguing—just smile sweetly and say “thanks.”
Day 17:
Accept all the help that you’re offered—to move the chairs, to take the groceries to the car, to clean up after the party—and accept it graciously even if it feels uncomfortable.
Day 18:
Think of a problem you have that’s not related to your relationship. Say to your man, “Can I borrow your brain? I’m trying to solve this problem…” Let him help you. If his solution isn’t quite what you want, keep saying what you want. See what he has to say.
Day 19:
For the whole day, focus on not interrupting your guy. When he’s speaking, stop what you’re doing, put down your phone and give him your attention. What do you notice that you hadn’t before?
Day 20:
Spend some time contemplating your desires. What do you want? Make a list. Make it long.
Day 21:
Repeat Day 1 instructions today, and for the entire week. Also, take something from your list of desires and say out loud, “I would love…a cup of coffee,” or whatever is true for you.
Day 22:
Think of something you wish your husband was more of, like tidier, more romantic, ambitious, funny, attentive. Just pick one thing. Today, look for evidence that he IS that thing, even if it’s small.
Day 23:
Find more evidence that your guy is the positive thing you want him to be.
Day 24:
Find still more evidence that your man is exceptionally gifted in the quality that you picked on Day 22.
Day 25:
Tell your husband how grateful you are that he’s tidy, romantic, ambitious, funny or attentive, even if it feels like a huge stretch. It’s okay—you have several days’ worth of evidence.
Day 26:
Give your husband three gratitudes for ordinary things that he does—taking out the trash, working hard to support the family or making the coffee. Tell your friend, mom or sister how much you appreciate that he does those things.
Day 27:
Give your husband three more gratitudes. Look for ways you were disrespectful and apologize using the phrase from Day 11.
Day 28:
Repeat the instructions for Day 1, and give your husband three more gratitudes. Express a desire from your list out loud.
Day 29:
Make yourself available for physical intimacy. Send him a flirtatious signal that you’re not expecting—just hoping.
Day 30:
Fill yourself up with frivolous fun and thank your husband for making you ridiculously happy for all these years.
Take stock of how dignified, confident and peaceful you feel.
Repeat as needed to keep your relationship playful, passionate and fun.
44 replies on “Revive Relationship: The 30-Day Challenge”
Is it normal for your husband to react “negatively” to your mood boost? Make comments like: you are acting so weird, or what is wrong with you? or roll his eyes, get annoyed, or say “stop it” when you are goofing around?
I have no idea what frivolous fun means? I am not sure what this looks like.
What if he constantly lies to you? I mean he lies about things he doesn’t need to lie about and there is no reason to lie about to lying about talking to other girls on dating websites. I really love him and I don’t question that he loves me, I know he does. I just can’t trust him and that effects every part of me and our relationship. I am constantly questioning everything he is doing, especially when I get some weird feelings in my gut out of nowhere which comes to light later that he was doing something he shouldn’t have been doing or that he felt he had to lie about at the same time I had that feeling. I have tried to talk to him, I’ve tried to understand him and I don’t want to give up, but I feel like since I have allowed this to go on for 2 and a half years, that it is NEVER going to change. He talks about how he wants his privacy which is fine with me, however, if I ask to use his phone or to look at his phone just to make myself feel better and hope I don’t find anything on there, he gets defensive and angry and says hurtful things. He tells me how crazy I am for looking through his phone in front of him, not behind his back, and all I want to say is how ridiculous and crazy it is that I feel like that is the only way I find out the truth. This is becoming extremely damaging to myself and to him and that is not what I want at all! It hasnt always been like this and thats what really bugs me is that I already know, have seen, felt and lived in our better relationship. I mean it was literally perfect! There was not anything that was being hidden or lied about and that made it to where there was no tension or weight or walls or barriers in our relationship. I felt it the minute that everything changed or at least the first time I knew he was lying and was hiding things. Please tell me what I can do or should do? I can’t afford counseling and I can’t afford classes, coaching or workshops. I am just really desperate for answers and solutions.
What if your husband doesn’t like some of the things on your list that make you “ridiculously happy”? I like to play volley ball with people at church once a week and I like to dance so I sometimes play a dance video game. He hates when I do those things because when I do physical activity, he feels bad about his own body and that I’m trying to make him feel bad about it. Also he hates when I do social things with either friends or family because he is jealous that he lacks in those relationships in his own life Along with a combination of feelings neglected when I leave. Do I respect his feelings on those things and avoid those activities or just tell him I need to spend time socializing and being active to be happy and be better for him?
Help!
How does one go about this when the husband is out of the home and involved with another married woman? We never see each other face to face. All communication, which is only business matters at this point, is done by text. He filed for divorce two months ago and has pushed for us to come to a settlement agreement asap. The divorce will be final in September. I want to believe there is still hope for us, despite all the terrible things that have happened over the past 10 years, which there has been a lot. I feel so much guilt and shame for what I have done to bring the demise of our marriage. I know he contributed, too, and with his current affair, it is just killing me.
I read your book and my husband is responding. I feel afraid. We are separated but we spend this weekend together, after three days practicing your skills he told me today, that he has to admit I have been really nice this days. He looks happy to have me around. I did it three days, I am afraid and scare, our problem is he has three older children living with my mother in law and he feels guilty that we don’t get along( we tried, they hate me) He mentioned That he loves me but we need to get divorce but he will support me and still be around. I feel sad. I want a healthy marriage and our two year old son to have the family he deserves.
Hi Laura,
A friend and I have joined together to do this revitalization plan! We have just finished your book and are re-reading it. As mentioned elsewhere, another friend and I are doing a re-read chapter by chapter book club on First The Empowered Wife.
I am SUCH a fan! You have been chosen to do very important work. I’m so happy for you.
I have a question about my self care. I don’t feel drawn to bathing, manicures, (shopping is too much money for us right now).
My self care acts include…reading your book again 🙂 , reading your blog, reading other spiritual growth resources, walking as part of a core building program due to back pain, yoga to deepen presence. All of my self care is growth oriented. Most of my life is about me asking how can I grow. Now that I’ve reached this level, what next? I’m sure its important to do simple feminine self care. Is that true? Do you have any ideas for pure pleasure outside of growth? Is it okay if all my self care is about growing? Thank you!!!
Rachel, Sounds like you are definitely a seeker who wants to grow! My self-care includes things that are pretty light–ice cream, dancing, girl talk, and naps. You are the expert on what brings you joy, so only you know what that would look like for you. Sounds like you have a very good start on making yourself happy.
Thank you for sharing Laura! It’s so nice if you get to do those things daily!!
My goal is to find more light self care activities so I don’t always feel like I have to be growing to be happy – that I can be happy just being me 🙂
Laura, I have read your blog and I feel more motivated to try one final last time.
FJ, That’s awesome! I admire your perseverance. You’ve got this!
Hi Laura, how do I connect with other surrendered wives on the net please? Just for day to questions and support?
Claire, Great question! Support is so key to success with surrendering. My best suggestion is to attend this free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life, which you can register for here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Thank you Crave, I’m after doing my best to practice the intimacy skills over the last few months, when I started I really was a bit confused I have to admit! It took some time for things to click but I kept going and I’m learning what works. I think I’ve had a breakthrough over the last few weeks. My husband asked me last week if we should go away together for the weekend!! I was speechless but told him I thought that was a great idea and left him to organise it which he seemed very happy to do (usually I would have organised everything and decided where we would go but I told him I trust him to plan a nice weekend). We are laughing more on the phone and only today we were talking about what to do for Christmas. I really think self care and bringing out my playful side has helped a lot. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I’m hoping we are moving in the right direction. I thank him for anything he does for me and I’m trying to be vulnerable (which I still find a bit hard). Laura thank you for your wisdom and for getting all this information to women who are trying to save their marriages, I wish my mother had this when her marriage ended over 20 years ago, funny thing though my parents never legally separated and never re-married, both are still single to this day, wonder if there is still hope for them?? Crave keep going, there has been times when I am on the fence but I jump off and remind myself why I’m doing this.
Thankyou for all your insight and shared knowledge. I am 2 months into utilising your 6 intamacy skills and day 19 on your 30 day relationship revitalising plan I see little changes. My husband told me 3 months ago he doesnt love me he feels i pushed him away and we have nothing in common. He sought emotional comfort in another women and he told her he wanted to be with her when I found out I was hysterical and hated her she called it off and now he is really missing her. He lives in the spare room and hardly speaks to me we are amicable when we do and I find I am following the skills ok. Until I express my desires he doesnt look at me turns his back and ignores me then replies “well go get what you want your a free person” in the 20 years we have been together he has never taken me on date night. I appreciate that he works hard to buy us things to live I also work and he says it’s my money and his money. Next i will be working on him controlling the finances. Though some days I sit on the fence and want equal respect. It is really hard thanks for your feedback.
Crave, Glad to hear you’re following the plan and seeing some changes! I’m sorry about the painful words your husband said to you, and the other woman. I hear that it’s feeling challenging to apply the skills at the moment and my top wish for you is to have some community and support so you’re not all alone with it. I’ve gained immeasurable inspiration and strength from other women on this journey. You’re on the right path, but hearing from others will give you a shot in the arm and lift you up. The next step is to come to my free webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura
I’m reading your book The Empowered Wife and I’ve been reading your blogs, success stories, webinar and anything else I could find on internet. I’ve been married for 11 years and have 2 kids. My husband went to work abroad in May as there was very little work where we live, in July he then decided that we should end our marriage, he never said I don’t love you or I don’t care but he did say feelings have changed. We have been under enormous financial stress for a few years and he also had an accident that left him unable to work for awhile. I know this has all been very hard for him and I’m sure he was/is suffering from depression. He only gets to come home every few weeks but he calls nearly every day or we text about kids, household stuff etc., a few laughs here and there. When he has been home we have hugged, kissed and have had sex. He also still does things for me as much as he can when he is home and from abroad. I know I caused a lot of damage to our relationship as I was controlling, critical and moody – the stress of everything was getting to me and he pushed me away after his accident. I think it’s like he left and he could breath, which I understand. My husband is not perfect but he is a good man, he is always kind, caring, gentle, witty and we use to have a great time together until all the stress came into our lives. I’ve been practicing the intimacy skills but finding it hard as he is not around that much. I try to be as happy as I can when he calls, I’m doing things for myself-exercising, enjoying my work, i’m taking myself away for the weekend soon as I need a bit of me time! I’m being grateful. No controlling (I think), no being critical, I thank him for the things he does etc. He does most of the calling, I only initiate sometimes but I do send a flirty text every now and then. About 2 weeks ago we had a conversation regarding our house as he thinks we should sell but I don’t. I gave my point of view (calmly, no arguing) and at the end of the conversation I told him I missed him. He wasn’t due home for another 3 weeks but the following weekend he arrived home. We slept in the same bed and he put his arms around me, I told him I missed that. I don’t talk about our relationship and he doesn’t either, I think he doesn’t know how he feels and is confused. I really miss him. I sometimes feel I just need to give him time as he might be having a mid life crisis and I don’t want to put anymore pressure on him and I want him to be ok. I just want to know if I’m on the right track, should I take it slow? how can I save my marriage when we are so far away from each other? I just want the fun back and not all this doom and gloom stress stuff, life is too short. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself as I don’t want him to come back to the same old me – she wasn’t that attractive!! I’m a strong woman and not always good expressing how I really feel or what I want. Any advice or help would be very much appreciated.
NotGivingUp, I admire that you’re so committed to your marriage despite the financial pressure, the separation while your husband is away working and has said he wanted to end the marriage. That has to be very hard and lonely. Your marriage can definitely be saved and become full of laughs and him putting his arms around you, even though you’re so far away right now. I would love to see you get more support. It’s very tricky to apply the skills all by yourself when there’s so much at stake. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach would be right for you. You’ll have the fun back so much faster with a guide. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, thank you so much, your book, blogs, website are what keep me going and give me hope, I’ve just applied for discovery call, fingers and toes crossed!
You can do it, NotGivingUp! I’m standing for you!
Your doing so well keep up the good work. You seem like your in a situation like me it can be so hard some days when you don’t get the attention you crave. Keep going we can do this together 🙂
Thank you, Laura, phantastic idea to make a working plan, one little step a day!!!!
I love your books and blog and the wisdom in it.
For anyone that is on the fence about Laura’s coaching program, I am in it and it is a savior! Please do not hesitate. It will save your marriage and make you the best person you can be. You’ll breeze through life! It works as fast as you’re willing to make it work. I’ve made huge strides in my marriage in the 2 months of my coaching.
the books and free resources are great, but why not talk to a coach where they can help you see your blind spots? Do it.
MJ, I’m so happy to hear you’re getting so much from being in the coaching program! Thank for the endorsement. Congratulations on making such big strides in your marriage–that takes courage and I admire that.
Mj,
This is awesome. I am really in need of it. How bad was your relationship? Are you living with your husband? Mine separated from me so Im not sure its going to work, but not doing something is killing me. I love my husband and miss him dearly. Nothing has worked to bring him home! Help please!
Marie, Sorry to hear about your separation. You sound very committed to your marriage, which I admire. There’s definitely still hope! You would enjoy this free webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have 4 beautiful children. I want a beautiful , healthy marriage for my children and for myself but I feel emotionally drained. I often look to divorce as a fresh start on life and a way to get back “me”. I am struggling with finding the happiness in our relationship when I feel so much contention and disappointment towards my husband. I need the motivation and energy to WANT a better marriage.
Midfulmama, I can relate to feeling exhausted and believing that divorce would be a huge relief and make me happier. That was a very painful time, but today I’m so grateful that I stayed married and now have that beautiful, healthy marriage you talk about. For inspiration, and a whole new look on marriage, I invite you to read or listen to, The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
Hey Laura,
I love this!
And I have a question. Is it a ever a good idea to share with our husbands when we are having a particularly bad day?..
Or would it just be best not to share this with him?
LC, I let my husband know I’m cranky. It’s interesting because then I realize I need some self-care and ask myself what would make me feel good. No intimacy is lost. If I’m cranky and not accountable that’s more likely to get me into trouble.
Thanks Laura!
Hello Laura! What do you do if your husband makes you mad and then he doesnt even care that your upset? He just ignores me and then acts all happy as if nothing ever happened.
Shala, I still remember feeling like my husband didn’t even care that he upset me and would just ignore me and it was awful. Sorry to hear you’re going through that too. You can definitely turn that around though with the right skills. I have a webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life that you would find so valuable. You can register for free here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura
I’d love to try the 30 day plan but my boyfriend (who I don’t live with) has been giving me the silent treatment – he won’t answer my texts or calls. We’ve been together three years and he’s done this to me about 5 times, he always comes back but during that time I’m always so scared that he won’t, which is how I feel now. This time I’ve tried ulimatemens and apologising, but he’s just not repesonding. I was planning on turning up to his house to force a confrontation …. how can I demonstrate the above in this situation? Any advice would be so very much appreciated!
Tamara, The silent treatment is the worst. I hate that. It’s so scary to not know what’s going on or when communication will return, if ever. I don’t recommend forcing a confrontation until you have some skills on board. Have you read The Empowered Wife yet? If not, you would find it incredibly valuable. It outlines the Six Intimacy Skills step-by-step. It’s available as an audio book and you can read free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
Hi
What if we have just taken time out in a relationship? What and how will I take those days which include husband?
MissMass, That does pose a challenge that you’re apart right now. I get that. I’d start with this free webinar and go from there:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura. I really need some help and maybe some assurance I think to know that this might actually work. My husband told me two weeks ago that he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and he doesn’t want us to try and sort things out. This isn’t he first time this has happened so he doesn’t see the point in giving it another go. We’ve only been married a year, but he has changed over the last 5 months. He suffers from depression and had another spell at the end of June. I moved out for a couple of weeks to give him space and get help. He went to the GP and was put on anti depressants for severe depression. If I’m being honest, I had no idea how to deal with this and felt completely helpless. I have issues where I find it really difficult to communicate to those I love and I end up keeping everything to myself, I don’t want to burden people with my problems. My husband hated this and I know think this is the reason that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
He has taken on a new flat and is taking our kittens (we got them 3 months ago) with him. He made this decision without even asking me and now I have a month to find somewhere to live. What hurts is that the flat he’s moving to is the one that we viewed 2 months ago and said we would take together for a fresh start. I cannot afford to stay in the flat we are currently in and rent it on my own.
I’ve been trying to make an effort for us to do things together but he’s not interested. He’ll go out with his friends but not me but this is my fault as I never suggest to do things.
He booked a trip to New York in August for us to go in 3 weeks time as we needed a break and now I don’t even think this will happen.
I really need some help and advice. I am at the lowest point in my life and I really don’t want to be here anymore.
Erica, I can imagine how painful this must be for you and I’m sorry you’re going through that! I hear your accountability for the breakdown, and that is so key for getting back the relationship you’re wanting with your husband, which I assure you can be done. Since you are separated, I suggest you get support ASAP. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to find out about working with one of my coaches. It’s the fastest way to get from the painful place you’re in to feeling connected, confident and happy in your relationship again. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank you Laura. I would be really interested in applying for a complementary discovery call, even just for me to find myself again. My husband has said that he’s not going to change his mind about us and he definitely doesn’t feel the same way anymore. He said that the ‘old’ him doesn’t exist anymore, he’ll never be the ‘old’ him again, he’s changed, he’s dead and gone and that not all change is planned. Am I fighting a losing battle here?
Erica, I know it’s hard to see it from where you stand, with your husband saying all that, but in my experience, when a woman practices the Intimacy Skills, he comes back, buys her roses and diamond rings and apologizes and it’s better than it’s been for years. Your husband is speaking from his pain and anger and that melts away when he feels respected again and then he remembers why he fell in love with you. It’s totally worth your while to get started.
Is there a revitalization plan if he’s already moved out? We’ve been separated for almost 4 months… I see him a couple times each week because we work together really well for our kids’ sake, and we’ve been able to communicate every day. But because we don’t live together, I’m not sure how to apply what you have listed above. Any help or advice you have would be great. I want our marriage to not only work, but to be the strong wonderful loving marriage we always intended. Thank you!
Kari, I love your vision to make your relationship strong, wonderful and loving again–it takes a lot of courage to say that when you’re separated, and yet it’s exactly that intention that helps create the outcome you’re wanting. It’s completely doable, too. I have a free webinar that you would find so valuable. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
The same situation is what I have. Is there any modification to these steps if he moved out already? Plus, I think the webinar is not available anymore. Thank you.