How I Single-Handedly Saved My Broken Marriage
When my second marriage was on the brink of divorce, I tried going to marriage counseling, but that didn’t get my marriage in any better shape.
It didn’t make my husband show interest in me, like I wanted him to.
It didn’t make him discipline the children the way I wanted him to.
It certainly didn’t improve our sex life.
In my desperation, I also read dozens of books about how to be successful in marriage.
Sometimes I couldn’t relate to the author at all. Or I would nod as I read, but still have no idea how to fix those problems I just mentioned.
But one day, I finally did something that made my marriage magical again.
The effects have lasted for over 15 years.
Contents
1. What happened, you ask?
I stumbled upon the life-changing book, The Surrendered Wife.
I couldn’t put it down. I read it in one sitting, and with each page I turned, I wiped my tears of both hope and sadness.
I had never before thought that I had anything to do with my failing marriage. Not once!
I thought our problems were all my husband’s fault.
After all, I had a good job, and I was an excellent mother. I was faithful and loving, and thought I was doing everything a wife should do.
What I didn’t realize until I read The Surrendered Wife was that I was a controlling, nagging and critical wife who often rejected gifts, compliments and help, and then complained about not getting gifts, compliments and help!
My husband couldn’t do anything right in my eyes. No wonder he preferred watching TV and snuggling with our pets over spending time with me.
When I read The Surrendered Wife, I finally felt for the first time that someone else understood me, and even knew my secrets. It gave me hope that I could save my broken marriage.
I wanted help learning how to, and I intuitively knew I couldn’t do it alone. I decided to fire my therapist and hire the author, Laura Doyle, to be my Surrendered Wife coach.
2. What I Kept Forgetting
In the beginning of my surrendering journey, I’d forget to be respectful and end up causing a big fight. I’d tell my husband how to drive, or correct his way of disciplining the children, and realize what I’d done only after I felt the chilling effect.
Laura taught me that when that happened, I could apologize for being disrespectful. That was soooo uncomfortable, but it restored the connection in a hurry.
I wanted to be a respectful wife anyway, but I hadn’t known how, or even that I wasn’t respectful before. That was news to me.
At first my husband didn’t trust my attempts to change my behavior. I wasn’t great at practicing the Intimacy Skills at first. But over time, with the training from Laura, they became my habit.
These days I don’t have to think about it much. My habits lead me along in a way that helps me create lots of connection and fun at my house.
I decided to become a Laura Doyle Relationship Coach and expert in the Intimacy Skills because I realized that if I could turn my miserable marriage around in the direction of fun, happy and intimate, any woman could.
Looking back, I can see that The Six Intimacy Skills™ wouldn’t have become my habit if I hadn’t invested in coaching and training to become a coach.
Reading a book or a blog just wasn’t enough for me. I mean, I have dozens–okay, hundreds–of books on my bookshelf that I haven’t even read yet. I can ignore the fact I spent $15 on a book, but investing with Laura made me focus and apply myself.
Making that investment so I had a mentor and support gave me inspiration and structure, which ultimately helped me succeed in changing my habits. I made a commitment to myself, to changing my life and my marriage, and because I had invested, I did the work.
It was the best money I ever spent, because without it, I wouldn’t have the fairytale marriage I have today.
That was 15 years ago, and today I still enjoy the passionate, playful relationship I dreamed of when I was a little girl.
What’s my secret for success? I’ll tell you: as a coach, I’m always talking to other women about the Intimacy Skills, and that’s kept them alive in my marriage. Helping other women on this journey keeps me from slipping back into my old habits of blaming my husband instead of looking at what I’m contributing.
These days, I talk to thousands of women who reach out to us for advice about their relationships. I’m often surprised when women find Laura’s website or books and they don’t see the connection between the results they’re experiencing and their investment in time and resources.
It’s painful to have a talk with a woman who clearly wants to be happy in her marriage and knows she wants support with practicing The Intimacy Skills, but is too afraid to say yes to herself and get it.
I remember all too well how scary it was to invest in myself. I felt guilty spending the money at first, but compared to the cost of divorce, and the expense of my endless shopping for new purses to soothe my loneliness, and how much money I wasted in marriage counseling, I knew that this was the wiser choice.
3. The Best Investment
Compared to those expenses, paying for a coach seemed like a bargain.
Coaching is not advice. In fact, we don’t give advice here at Laura Doyle Connect. We have these powerful Intimacy Skills and our own experience to share, and that, in turn, provides hope for a client to take new actions that lead to having an intimate, passionate, playful relationship.
That powerful formula has helped thousands of women make their marriages playful and passionate again. And it makes me sad when I see women who would benefit so much be too afraid to invest in themselves.
45 replies on “How I Single-Handedly Saved My Broken Marriage”
hi Laura. I would soooo love the six intimacy skills. Isnt there any way I could read it for free?
Love Maria
Maria, Yes there is! I lay out the Intimacy Skill step-by-step in the book The Empowered Wife which you can get at the library.
I have had 2 failed marriages, I had no clue about the 6 intimacy skills. I am now engaged to a great guy. He’s American living in Florida and my visa application is being processed right now. We will be together and married soon, and now, at last, I can start aarriage armed with these amazing tools. All I’ve ever wanted is to cherished and adored. After reading the Empowered wife, I could see all the mistakes I’ve made in the past. But now, I know, o can create the marriage of my dreams .. i’m so thankful I found your book! And I listen to your weekly podcasts! Thank you!! x
I do not have Facebook and really would love to connect with women who have been through what I have. I did complete a discovery call with one of your coaches and am really interested in becoming a coach just need to gather the funds to be able to do so! Please if you can guide me the right way to help me stay connected and be able to talk to women who can help me stay accountable. Thank you so much for your book and all that you do. You did help me save my marriage!!!!!!
Hi Laura
I agree with all things you counsel in your books.
Seeing women that now are coaches its fantastic.
Your words always were for me encouragement and strenght for fighting for good marriage.
Now my marriage is better.however i am away of home working in another city.my husband doesnt like this because we are not together but we need the job and the money.
Its difficult yes. Sometimes i feel sad and guilty.but its a good job and we need it.
Maybe there are jobs too where we live but i dont give the chance.
Also this job will help me for pension.
What i can do Laura? My husband sometimes cannot deal with distance.
Thanks for your books blogs counsels.
Fantastic yourteam
Your everyday reader mercedes
Mercedes, I’m sorry to hear about the challenge of working in another city. I can see how that would cause some stress in your marriage. I suggest thinking about your desires in this situation and expressing them in a way that inspires. I’m happy to hear you’re finding encouragement from the blog!
What if you are in an emotional abusive relationship?
Kim, That sounds very painful. You’re not alone with that. The good news is that it’s completely solvable with The Six Intimacy Skills. I invite you to attend my free webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
This might be helpful, Kim.
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/
As much as I appreciate Laura’s advice and think it can be very helpful for some marriages, I do not believe that the 6 intimacy skills will solve all marital problems (if only life were that simple!) Saying “ouch” doesn’t solve all problems – and when you do, if your husband calls you “crazy” or “bipolar” or questions your sanity for something you saw with your own eyes and tried to express your hurt….it’s not going to get better.
I guess you could stay in a marriage like that where you’re not really valued or loved by your husband and he is never worried about the fact that his behavior at times hurts you….but after 24 years, I can attest to the fact that the hurt just adds up and you hit a wall one day where you wake up to reality (after years of adjusting your behavior trying to keep the marriage together).
My husband lies to other people in front of me about various things and lies to me. And, I really resent the fact that some people will try to say that somehow a woman can change that (as if it is her behavior that is causing the poor behavior). That is soooo damaging to a woman who is already always being blamed by her husband for anything wrong in a marriage. And, I am a woman who is willing and ready to admit her own faults and own up to them. But, that needs to be a two-way street in a marriage.
Just my thoughts. Think the six intimacy skills can be great for some marriages, but Laura, respectfully, I would ask that you reconsider your claims that it can solve all emotional abuse.
Jennifer, I’m sorry to hear you’ve suffered for so long with mean-spirited comments and accusations from your husband. It sounds awful! I wouldn’t like that either.
Your last sentence reminded me of another woman, Melissa Reimers in South Florida, who told me, “Laura, the Six Intimacy Skills are great, but they don’t work for everybody. They don’t work with my husband.” I invited her to get some coaching and support with applying the Skills to see if perhaps she had a blind spot that was keeping her from having all that she wanted in her marriage. Through coaching she realized that she had not been bringing the vulnerability skill to her marriage, mostly because it was so scary. But with the support of a coach, when she became willing to take some steps toward being vulnerable, her marriage–which had been estranged for 10 years–became close, connected and physically affectionate again. Her children started complaining about all the kissing and hugging. That was several years ago and I just saw her mushy anniversary message to her husband on FB recently.
So whenever I hear from a woman like you who has bravely tried the skills–especially “ouch!” which is one of the scariest and most vulnerable!–and been disappointed with the results, what I hear is that you need more support to get there. You’ve courageously started, and I admire that very much! You are on the right path, but it can be a little tricky to do this by yourself. And now you’re more hurt than ever, and it’s unbearable to continue on the way you are, so you’re mad because I gave you hope and now it’s smashed to bits. You want me to stop holding out hope.
I can see why you feel that way.
But here’s the rub: There IS hope for your marriage, and my marching orders are to stand for your greatness as a woman and as the keeper of the relationship, and for your power to create a peaceful marriage even with all you describe. I’m here to provide support, if you want it, in the form of online courses, FB groups, Q&A calls, private coaching, live events and coach training. My job is to get you through the dark valley you’re in–if that’s what you want–because we all fall into dark valleys and we all need inspiration to keep going. Just reading my books and blogs is not enough for most women.
Something about the Six Intimacy Skills resonated with you, and you took them on board and practiced them and you also had hope. You weren’t wrong.
My team and I are here to support you. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to have a breakthrough with the verbal abuse in your marriage. This is solvable.
You can do this, Jennifer. I can see it about you even if it’s hard to see for yourself. I think that’s why you wrote to me so I could remind you.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I would love a. Complimentary call for depressed verbal abusive retired husband that can not have physical connection My relationship has improved from your skills but I am stuck
Hello, it’s an old post but you said she needs “more support” in order to properly execute all the steps to save her marriage. But what “support” does (did) she need because I really need them too. My husband absolutely resents me. I can’t even touch his shoulder without him cringing.
He is repulsed by me. Not being conceited but I am a very attractive woman and I know “looks” is not important but he is absolutely repulsed by me.
I simply touched his hand the other say and he blatantly told me to not touch him. So, whatever “supportive tools” she needs or needed, I need them too because we are already planning on filing for divorce. I don’t want it but he does
I love him but I have no idea if it can be saved or even if it’s worth saving at this point. I don’t know. At my wits end
Melissa,
Thanks for sharing what’s going on. That sounds hard. I admire your vulnerability and hear your desire around wanting transformation.
My students have fixed their marriages in similar situations (and worse!) and become happy wives.
I know it seems hopeless right now, but when you get the right structure and support, there’s every reason to be hopeful. I invite you to put your name on the waitlist for my Ridiculously Happy Wife program.
It’s the most economical way to have access to a certified relationship coach, a secret FB group, online training, and all the bonuses so you can learn and practice the exact steps that attract husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends back and make the relationship playful and passionate again. We see a lot of miracles in the program!
Laura: I *love* your books. I’d love it if you could address – perhaps in a future blog post – how to handle major stress. My husband and I have a good 15+ year marriage. Reading your books and applying your principles has helped with that – so thank you. But now, my mother-in-law is having a health crisis. My husband wants her to move in with us. I want to trust him to do what’s best for us, and I want to be generous and kind. But I am really apprehensive about this arrangement. I am so afraid it’s going to cause stress and conflict for all of us. I get along okay with my mother-in-law but she does have her “quirks” and I am afraid of what will happen if she is always around and constantly needs our attention and care. I am afraid I will become angry and resentful. But I feel like I can’t express my feelings to my husband because I will be adding to his already high stress level at a time of crisis. I also feel like it would be unacceptable for me to say something like, “I want us to have space and privacy” because the alternative is putting her in a nursing home, and I know he is strongly opposed to this. He comes from a culture where this just isn’t done. So I feel guilty for even thinking about it or expressing a desire that would force him to consider it. Plus I am afraid he will think less of me for expressing these feelings. (I think less of myself for feeling this way!) But by keeping all this to myself, I am feeling so stressed and overwhelmed. I am very good about practicing self-care, but it’s not helping right now. Have you or one of your coaches been through something like this? How do you apply your principles when you and your husband are facing a time of stress and crisis? Thank you!
JT, I see your dilemma! That’s a tough one. For me, stress is usually a sign that I’m trying to control something that’s not in my control, or else I’m not honoring what is true for me. You sound like you’ve been practicing the skills, and I know that takes courage, so congratulations on your success with them.
I hear that it’s scary to honor yourself in this situation by saying what you desire. I can see why you feel that way, and I can tell that it’s sometimes scary for me also. But these days I don’t let that stop me. I feel afraid and I say what is true for me to the best of my ability. The alternative is that everyone suffers, and that’s too high a price for me to pay anymore. Perhaps there is a possibility you don’t see, but that your husband would if only he knew your desires. I bet he wants to make you happy.
Hi Laura. I am unsure how you obtained my email address, but it is perfect timing. I wanted to join in on the webinar this week, but this week’s schedule was so hectic, and that is one thing I want to learn….how to not take on too much. Or if I need to take care of everyone in my family, I want to learn how to not let that overwhelm me.
My husband and I have been married 17 years. About 3/4 of our marriage has been a steady decline, due to very little else sex (it is a miracle we have 2 boys) and pain cycle communication. I struggle with depression and feel my husband has used that as a weapon against me over our entire marriage. We separated for a month last summer, and not long enough in my opinion. Yet, I was hopeful and willing to move back in. He went to stay with a friend for 2 weeks, while I stayed at the house with our then 8 y.o. and 15 y.o. son. Then he came back to the house and I went to stay with a friend.
To land the plane, I cannot stand to be in the same room with him, let alone the same house. I am wounded, angry and miserable, therefore feel like I have lost my identity and zeal for the life God has given me.
But, God has recently brought a few angels in my path who have helped me feel like I am not alone and that my marriage isn’t the worst.
I have been in counseling over the years and also have many books on my shelf about marriage. I love my counselor now, she is a pastor, a licensed counselor and doesn’t charge me. I do have abuse and an angry family environment upbringing.
Shari, Sorry to hear you’ve been enduring such a difficult marriage for so long. It sounds painful. But I’m happy to hear that your angels are telling you that you’re not alone. I’m here to tell you that your marriage can be waaaaaaaaaay better. There’s plenty of reason to be hopeful about it. You can still attend the webinar called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You’ll find it so valuable. Here’s where you can register again (and that’s how I got your email):
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My husband and I have been separated for 7 months now and have finally starts getting along and have been flirting a lot lately to the point where the next time he comes round he has suggested sex do I go through with this is this the relight approach he is with another women that he flirted with while we were still together I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardise him returning
Donna, Sorry to hear about the separation and the affair. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of standing for your marriage, which takes courage! Good for you. Only you know what’s best for you in this situation, but physical intimacy is a great doorway to restoring intimacy, which is what you want it sounds like. It’s tricky to put your marriage back together all by yourself, and there’s so much at stake. I’d love to see you get more support with this. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery to see if having a private coach might be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, is there hope for an abusive marriage? We’ve tried counseling, he doesn’t she what he is doing as abuse. He is a great guy but he’s is emotional abusive, controlling and manipulative. I have filed for divorce but that is not my preference. Thank you for any thoughts you may have.
KF, I’m sorry to hear you’re marriage is feeling so hurtful and abusive. I wouldn’t like that either. I had the same problem with marriage counseling–didn’t work for us either. But The Six Intimacy Skills did, and they worked beautifully for solving emotional and verbal abuse, control and manipulation. I admire that you’re trying to save your marriage even though it’s been so painful. I’m standing for you to turn this situation around and save your family. Start by getting the book, The Empowered Wife, either in print or as an audio. You can read a free chapter here:
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
Hello i have been practicing the 6 skills only recently. My husband told me 3 months ago he no longer had feelings for me. And moved into the spare room. I found out he had been having feelings for another women and she for him. When i found out the OW broke it off via text. But they still see each other at their swim squad. For tgenlast 2 years my husband had been verbally abusive to our children and when i couldnt tolerate it anymore i stood up and defended the kids. I now known that our diffrent parenting styles led to my incolvement in the down ward spiral of our relationship. I have been cleaning up my side of the street utilising the 6 skills. And Recently we have been amicable on talking through everyday things. He is a lot calmer with the kids. Though they have lost all trust in him and he still tells tyem he has done nothing wrong and doesnt care. Also we have been having great sex again after no sex for 2 years. Yesterday he told a mate that he is saving for a bond in a seperate account I don’t know about so he can move out. I feel that he wants a life without us his family a wife of 15 years and 2 beautiful kids 12 and 14 because he will be free of all responsibilities. I have always let him do what he wants and buy what he wants I feel he is being selfish. But I am confused because we have been getting along so well. What can I do i want to save my marriage and I thought I was doing the right things to achieve this?
Sarah, Thanks for reaching out for support. Those are very painful words to hear from your husband, and from his mate. So heartbreaking! Still, I hear so much reason for hope in your post! You’re amicable, and physically intimate, and he’s calmer with the kids. There are little green shoots of growth coming through the snow of the winter of your relationship. Congratulations on creating that growth. I know it takes great courage to practice the 6 Intimacy Skills, and you’re doing it! I’d love to see you get some support toward making your family a happy, cohesive one. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. You’ll find the call so valuable. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
What approach should i take if he is very selfish? And doesnt care about how his actions affect others?
Sarah, I remember feeling that way about my husband too–selfish and lazy! Very painful. Good news though. This is solvable. He will respond to you so much better when you get The 6 Intimacy Skills. They’re all in my latest book. It’s called, The Empowered Wife, and you can read a free chapter here. If you don’t have time to read it, you can get it on audio book. You’ll find it incredibly valuable.
https://lauradoyle.org/first-kill-all-the-marriage-counselors/
Thank goodness I happened upon your book, actually both books. In a nutshell becoming aware of the 6 intimacy skills had been such an eye opener,overwhelming in fact, in acknowledging my major contribution in the failing of our 42 year relationship.
Unfortunately I regret to admit that his affair was the opening of a door for learning more about myself. Had i found your books earlier I doubt I would have recognized my lack of Intimacy skills. Putting them Into practice has been challenging; a major behavioral change. Our communication has improved 100%, who knew after all these years we weren’t communicating!
He is basking in the affirmations, my surrender of control (major behavioral change for me) and new found respect. I confess I haven’t seen my husband for the man he is at all for many many years. As we continue to rebuild our relationship as a daily process the rewards have been Emotionally exhilarating. As I became aware of my intense love and respect for him he has relaxed and appears to be in a better place. We have moved to such a better place together already that I sometimes wonder if it’s an illusion. Time and patience will need to be my friend as I commit to learning my future. Unfortunately for me his OW is a work partner whom he sees and communicates with daily. That situation will remain in place for maybe the next year which brings a major hurtle in trust building that I continue to struggle with. Reading comments on how anxiety and fear stems from control issues I will continue to practice the six intimacy skills, mainly control and respect and hope the OW truly becomes an insignificant other.
Deb, I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s affair–I can imagine how painful that has been. But look at you being so accountable, and becoming your best self! I’m impressed with your courage and commitment. Many women never have the insight that they had any contribution to the breakdown of an affair, which is actually an empowering position to take. As far as the OW, we have a saying that a wife with Intimacy Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. I can see why you feel anxious, but you have all the power. I would love to see you get support. It makes a world of difference! I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I want it on audio book how do I get it?
Renee, I suggest The Empowered Wife on audio book, which you can get on Amazon.com or through Audible.com. It lays out the 6 Intimacy Skills step by step.
I have been using the 6 intimacy skills for 2 months and seen some subtle breakthrough but its cold war in my house today as I discovered he has not stopped texting the other women and spent the afternoon with her and her kids. When I confronted him over it he packed his bag and is moving out. He told me 5 months ago he didn’t love me anymore and that’s when I discovered the emotional affair. He wants to be with her now she is in the process of leaving her husband. What should I do? i didnt plead with him to stay he announced to the kids that I have asked him.to leave (they are a bit relieved in a sense as prior to this he had been verbally abusive to them) but scared he will be gone forever and they won’t see him. Is there Hope that he will love me again one day I know you can’t make someone love you especially if they love someone else. That they can’t see that she it wrecking our family.
Lib, Wow, that is a stressful situation you’re in. I’m sorry you’re going through that. There is definitely hope that he will love you again one day, even though I know it must look very dark today. There is definitely hope for your marriage. You can turn it around and the Intimacy Skills will help you get there, and I’d love to see you get a private coach to help you implement them during this scary, challenging time in your family. They can be tricky to do all by yourself. A wife with intimacy skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays. You can apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if that’s the right thing for you:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura my marriage is in danger.i tried to pply everything of your counsels but suddenly i stopped do it.he is bipolar sometimes very bad verbal way ….You know my story. Well he two weeks ago put me outside home saying that all its over.i am in panic
He blocked me phone and i cant speak with him
I want now to try again all these counsels i dont want my marriage destroy Laura.the marriage should be succesful!! So it could hope for my marriage ?
Thanks laura
Mercedes, I’m sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage! Sounds scary and heartbreaking. There is definitely hope for your marriage, and I would love to see you get some support. I know you have been trying hard already. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches might be right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi Laura
My husband told me we were more like brother and sister, he works away so much and all i have ever wanted was for him to spend more time with me. He decided he wanted a separation, went to work one day and never came back to the marital home. i have started to apply the six intimacy skills by text and he is responding, he is starting to help with things in the house, but still works away so much. We have reconnected and had sex, i love him so much and just want him to come home to me. How do i get him to make that step im throwing all the six intimacy at him in the best way i can, but its so difficult by text.
Do these steps work if I was the one who cheated? I see so much of myself in the books, in the controlling, nagging wife, but I’m not sure he is willing to forgive me.
I have many things in common with so many of ya’ll God bless us everyone. So I stumbled across Laura’s webinar, wrote down the brief descriptions of the 6 intimacy skills, at the time my husband and I were speaking to a counselor with some improvement just not the type of improvement I was looking for. my husband was doing all the right things, but I could tell his heart wasn’t into doing things to make me happy. So I applied the techniques I had learned after one night I saw a difference and so did he. Then oops I dropped the ball very shortly afterwards I went back to the wrong books wrong info and got more of the same ole same ole. So I bought the empowered wife read it in a day, swallowed what some people say is pride but for me it was more akin to giving birth backwards. (Control freak much, i am exhibit A) Are we better? yes I am getting us there i am the emotional keeper of our home and i am enjoying my job. Even if it means apologizing more than i ever knew i needed to.
Thanks for posting. I love what you said:
“Are we better? yes I am getting us there i am the emotional keeper of our home and i am enjoying my job.”
Hello Laura,
Is it possible for the 6 intimacy skills to help when my husband and I live in to different cities?
Hello Laura, I have read your book the empowered wife and I saw a change straight away. It lasted about 6 months and I feel like I am having a relapse and I cant get back on track. I would love to have some sessions with one of your coaches, is this possible and how do I go about it.
Many thanx
I’m reading The Empowered Wife and was so excited to try out some new skills on my husband but as soon as I walked in the door and smelled alcohol on his breath I was triggered. You see, he drinks every single night. Sometimes up to 10 or more beers. I was married before to an abusive alcoholic so I do have some PTSD from that relationship. My current husband used to enjoy some drinks on the weekends but never drank during the work week. We lived like that for many years. (Been together for 23 years, married 19.) My fear is that he is an alcoholic. I can’t even sit next to him when he smells like beer, let alone kiss or snuggle him. He’s not abusive and has many great qualities that I love. I can’t just accept his decision to drink himself to death and show such an example to our teenage sons because that is irresponsible and not valuing my life and desires for a healthy lifestyle. What does one do when their husband is addicted? Please help, I truly love my husband.
Hi Laura,
I’ve read the Empowered Wife. I’m trying to put the skills into practice. My boyfriend of 6 years has cheated on me and still talks to the person. This really is frustrating because we’re separated and I really want us to be a family again. I have 2 children from my previous marriage and we have a 3 year old son together. I know that trusting is a choice, but I’m so scared to trust. Please advise.
Dear Laura,
I’m at the beginning of my new journey practicing the 6 intimacy skills. My husband works away a lot, but when he was home last, I could see that is genuinely working. We had a trail separation for 2 months and because I practiced the skills, we easily came to agree to not be separated and starry from the bottom up as friends, get to really know each other again before anything else. He sleeps in a different room and that same night, he came into mine, told me to shove up and cuddled me for about 10 minutes before going back to his. I was dumbstruck! It worked!
Now my problem is that, before I practiced the skills, I DRILLED it into his hand that he is a liar, a cheat, an emotional abuser (which was true). Now he has fallen into a very deep depression over it and struggles to get past the fact that he was all those things. It’s still causing a major barrier between us….
He really is a good guy and he has told lies since I’ve met him, not just to me but to other people right in front of me too. I know it’s a way to get approval, due to low self esteem.
I worry that he’s getting worse within himself rather than better. He is working away a lot, so I’m not even near him to give him any Love and support. I can’t talk to him because or his really long hours. I’m stuck because I’m worried about his mental state.
What should I do?
Karin, I can see why you’d feel stuck! Even with your amazing progress, it must be so discouraging to face that barrier and distance. I remember how lonely it was dealing with mental illness and disconnection. I felt so alone at a time when I most needed support.
You are not alone. There is hope to inspire him to be his best self again.
And you’ve reached out at the perfect time! The 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge is coming up. You can join us for FREE at lauradoyle.org/challenge.
What Could I Have Done to Save my Marriage?
Tonia, am I hearing that it feels too late for you to save your marriage? I don’t know the details of what you’re going through, but it sounds painful.
I love your curiosity. I’d love to support you and invite you to the 5-Day Adored Wife Challenge, which starts Monday! You can join us for FREE at lauradoyle.org/challenge. Hope to see you there!