You’re 5 Steps Away to a Happier, More Present and Loving Spouse
If you’re begging for attention in a relationship, it is so lonely, demoralizing and even demeaning.
You shouldn’t have to beg for attention from the man you married!
I remember the bad old days when my husband didn’t want to be around me, and they were lousy. Fortunately, I learned a thing or two to turn that around completely.
So if you’re tired of begging for attention from your husband, you are in the right place.
Maybe you’re so ready for the hurting to end that you’re trying to figure out how to stop wanting attention from your husband.
But that never works. Plus, who wants that, really? I sure didn’t like it.
So I’ll raise you.
Here’s how to get more attention from your husband in 5 simple steps.
1) Ditch Conventional “Wisdom”
First of all, kudos to you for doing your research. Just by reading this, you’re well on your way to getting the attention and affection you deserve!
The problem is, much of the advice out there is more of the same. And doing the same old thing will get you, well, more of the same old thing.
Like when I used to do research to find out what was wrong with my husband and then pronounce him “emotionally unavailable.”
Yes, I’m embarrassed to say I actually did that! But I had it on good authority from articles I read that it would help somehow to give my husband a negative label, even though it made me feel even more hopeless. Since what you focus on increases, he only seemed less emotionally available with my “diagnosis.”
Then there were the times I tried to follow conventional wisdom by confronting him about his lack of tenderness, hoping to get a crumb of affection. It sounds like a terrible idea now, because who wants to beg for affection? It’s not very attractive, for one thing.
Around here, we call those “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies,” or “SFPs” for short. In my experience, women are powerful manifesters, and what we focus on increases. So focusing on the SFP that “He’s emotionally unavailable” or “He lacks tenderness” will get you more of the same lack of affection–or worse.
2) Say Your Piece–Vulnerably
Ready for a quiz? Which of these statements do you think goes over best with a man?
A) “You completely ignore me when I talk.”
B) “I feel unheard when you use your phone during dinner.”
C) “Let’s make the dinner table a phone-free zone. I love hearing about your day.”
You probably spotted the problem with option A right away: Accusing him of ignoring you is loaded with criticism and blame, which aren’t very connecting but likely to push him further away.
Option B sounds better, right? After all, we always hear that “I” statements are the way to go.
Even the so-called “I” statement, however, is still criticizing him for using his phone and making you feel unheard.
Option C probably sounds the best because it’s so positive. But let’s take a closer look at “let’s.” Hmm, on second thought this is actually telling him what to do. You might as well say, “Quit using your phone and talk to me!” Which is pretty controlling. Which makes it just as disrespectful as the other two statements.
If your respect radar wasn’t so finely tuned to spot that inappropriate control, you’re in good company–mine wasn’t either. That’s why I was so puzzled as to why my husband kept retreating even further even though I was using all the “I” statements in the world.
Here’s what actually worked for me…
Getting vulnerable with a real “I” statement, as in “I miss you.”
There’s no control or criticism in sight with those three simple words. They are so powerful that students around here end up hearing the same words from him!
Here’s something else you won’t hear from some pandering experts, who counsel, “Remember that it isn’t you.”
If it’s not you and you’re just at the mercy of his whims, then that leaves you… a victim. Not much you can do about that. Now, what I’m about to say here may not be very palatable, but it is very empowering: It could be you, at least in part.
At least that’s what I and thousands of students here have found.
If your husband is withdrawn, keeps fighting with you, or there’s an all-out cold war, something else could be getting in the way of the affection and connection you want.
To pull out the big guns to end the war–and this one is big–try apologizing for being disrespectful. Shoot, this will melt not only a cold war but iciness in the bedroom too, as I share in “The Best Aphrodisiac for Men.”
Finally, it’s also vulnerable to express affection yourself. Maybe even a peck on the cheek before he leaves for work or a lingering touch when he pays you a compliment is outside your comfort zone and thus vulnerable.
Little things turn out to be big things–smiling more, sharing more hugs with your kids or others, hiding little notes for your husband about why you love him–in creating an aura of affection in your home.
3) Appreciate His Subtle Side
Gisel’s husband became distant, started talking divorce, and quit sleeping with her. He not only moved to the guest room, he barricaded the door.
Well, Gisel is nobody’s victim, that’s for sure. She knew that respect had gone missing in her marriage, so she decided to boost her practice of that Skill by combining it with the most powerful Intimacy Skill™ of all: gratitude.
Still, she didn’t see much progress in her marriage, as her husband was still talking about getting his own apartment.
Gisel was surprised to find she didn’t fall into Needless Emotional Turmoil about it much. She felt genuinely grateful, and dignified. In fact, she felt so empowered about the way she was behaving with her husband that she observed, “I’m not so sure the Skills will save my marriage, but they are saving me!”
Then, in the middle of a devastatingly honest conversation, right as she was feeling their whole marriage falling apart and they sat in the painful silence that the marriage could be over, she did something unheard of.
She told him why she respected him. Talk about vulnerable.
The silence must have been unbearable, as he listened and didn’t say a word.
Then he came to her and made love to her. He even fell asleep in their bed that night and asked if she wanted him to sleep with her the night after that.
Now Gisel has changed her tune too: “I know the skills are saving me, and I’m astonished to say that they are saving my marriage too.”
Clearly, what she’s focusing on is increasing!
How could you applaud your husband’s unique love language? What strong points of his could you express gratitude for? Even if he hasn’t been showing you attention overtly, has he done so in subtle ways, such as picking up your dry cleaning even when you didn’t ask for it or doing the dishes when he knows you’ve had a hard day?
4) Give Him a Little Eye Candy
You should not have to jump through hoops to get your man’s attention.
I’m sure you didn’t have to when you first met. You probably didn’t have to make much effort back then at all because the gender contrast was already set to high, which is part of what made the attraction so intense and exciting.
When a woman shifts into controlling or pursuing her man, however, which is natural when he seems less interested and she gets scared, the gender contrast lessens and he tends to take less initiative sexually and even in general.
Because men and women are opposites, and heterosexual men are attracted to women, the higher the gender contrast, the more attraction there will be. Men are attracted to the feminine essence of a woman: her feminine shape, spirit, scent and sensuality.
If wearing something that makes you feel sexy helps you feel feminine, it’s easier for him to read your availability signals. Heck, he might not even notice that you tried a different hairstyle or eyeliner style, but if it helps you feel more sensual, that’s what counts.
And trust me, he will notice that.
5) Find Your Happy Place
Gisel knows a secret that goes a long way toward dialing up the gender contrast.
She was having the kind of day where it seems impossible to find your happy place. She had her hands extra full, with both her child and her dog sick, but she was determined to enjoy herself as much as she could. She found a way to enjoy taking care of her sick kid, she watched a movie with all of her kids and even built Legos.
When her husband came home, she easily could have unloaded on him, full of complaints about what a miserable day she’d had. Instead, she was genuinely happy to see him. He responded in kind, opening up to her about his work.
He had not touched her in days, but this is when something magical happened: He wanted to dance salsa with her. The touching didn’t stop with dancing either–he patted her butt and squeezed her boobs.
Delighted and sweaty, Gisel headed for the shower, but he still couldn’t seem to stay away from her. He came into the bathroom and brushed his teeth while she was showering. This is the same man who had been locking the bathroom door and when he wanted to come out and heard her on the stairs would close the door again and wait until she was gone.
Gisel turned that around through filling up on self-care, increasing her magnetism to the point that she is irresistible to her husband. She went to bed that night with even more self-care, listening to The Empowered Wife podcast, playing games on her phone and celebrating her wins with her Coach Training tribe.
How could you fill your self-care tank?
Would some meditation or yoga, reading or a long walk re-energize you?
For some vital social self-care, having your own tribe to turn to lets you come back to your marriage as your happiest self. If you don’t have a tribe yet, there’s one waiting for you in the Ridiculously Happy Wife program. Or, if you’re just getting started, you’ll find a terrific launch pad for the marriage-transforming journey ahead in the free Adored Wife Facebook group.
Having a group of like-minded women goes a long way toward rewiring your mindset when negative thoughts creep in too.
Now that you have these five simple steps to getting the attention you deserve, which will you try first?
Hi! I’m Laura.
I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.
I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.