Verbally Abusive Husband and How to Make Them Stop
Is your husband or boyfriend incredibly cruel at times? Does he swear, yell and call you names? Does it undermine your self-esteem?
If so, then you may be verbally abused.
But I’ve made an interesting discovery about verbal abuse. Only women suffer from it—not men. Wrapped inside that mystery is a profound key to making your house safer and more peaceful, which I’ll explain step-by-step in this blog.
I’m not saying that women are never verbally abusive. I’m not proud to admit that I’ve said horrible things to my husband with the intent to lay him low. Maybe don’t tell anyone, okay? What I’m saying is that women tend to identify as suffering verbal abuse while men rarely use that term.
For example, even though I raged at my husband for years, he would have said I was in a bad mood or that we had a fight, but never that I was verbally abusive. I was surprised to learn that this is true pretty much across the board with men. I’ve asked hundreds of men and none of them cop to being verbally abused. They scrunch up their faces and say, “Naww, she’s just being mean.”
Interesting, right? Either verbal abuse is mostly perpetrated by men, or else men just don’t see themselves as being abused.
What’s the explanation? Do our harsh words land less painfully on their thick skins? Or could it be that what we experience as “verbal abuse” could also be described as hurtful things said during garden-variety fights?
Either way, verbal abuse feels unsafe and scary.
Of course in the middle of a fight, mud is flying every direction. Both of you end up bruised. Often, women come to me with a list of cruel things he said during a fight as evidence that her husband is verbally abusive. She forgets to mention that she was saying equally punishing things to him during that fight. She’s more aware of her own deep pain than of any she inflicted.
But what if there’s no fight, no warning and your husband’s harsh, hurtful words appear to be coming out of nowhere?
In my experience with both my own relationship and many thousands of women who have practiced the Six Intimacy Skills, the underlying reason for the verbal abuse was always because she contributed to a culture of verbal abuse by being disrespectful. The astonishingly speedy remedy was to restore the respect with an apology when appropriate.
To be very clear, I am not suggesting that you apologize to make-nice, but rather only if you review your own comments and actions and find you’ve said or done something that was disrespectful or critical. If you have absolutely nothing to clean up, then there’s nothing to apologize for.
But if there is something–even something that seems very minor, or justified or it was a response to his bad behavior, there’s magic in accountability.
My experience with thousands of clients who have endured devastating verbal abuse is that they were able to create a new culture—a safe, calm, peaceful culture without verbal abuse. They spoke to each other with more kindness and playfulness.
Here are the steps they used:
Contents
1. Watch the Replay
When you watch the replay of your recent interactions with your husband, ask yourself if you were disrespectful.
Maybe you rolled your eyes or contradicted him. Perhaps you told him he shouldn’t have sugary drinks or criticized his plan to invest in real estate, for example.
The hardest part about this step is that what women consider disrespectful and what men consider disrespectful are just not the same.
It took Sophie in Washington a long time to realize how much what she was saying was landing as disrespect for her husband. And since respect is like oxygen for men, she was doing a lot of damage without realizing it.
That led to a lot of fights and hurtful, cruel words they said to each other––that is, until she applied Step 2 and got what seemed like a completely different husband.
2. Restore the Respect with an Apology
Offer an apology for the specific behavior or words using the magic formula, “I apologize for being disrespectful when I…”
That probably sounds outrageously old-fashioned or just weird, if you’re anything like most women. I know, I know. I don’t like to say it either.
It takes a lot of humility to admit that.
But ending the cold-war and the verbal abuse in your home is well worth making the stretch.
It certainly was for Sophie, who reported that the fights and “verbal abuse” not only vanished, her husband started coming home from work earlier to spend more time with her and made her laugh more, which she loved.
3. Review Steps 1 & 2
Am I saying you’ll never fight again? It’s possible.
Like Sophie and her husband, my husband and I have very little to fight about now that I’ve been implementing steps 1 & 2 for over 16 years.
We bickered in traffic about which way to go home recently. He was driving, so that was none of my business, but hey, I’m a mere mortal woman. But even then, neither of us said anything mean. It’s been that way for so long now that I can’t imagine it any other way.
Most of the time, my marriage is light and breezy—we play together and laugh, hold hands. We snuggle and share our dreams.
Women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills, including apologizing for being disrespectful, make verbal abuse vanish never to return.
If you’re thinking this will never work for you because your man is the problem, consider experimenting with eliminating verbal abuse in your relationship so the intimacy can thrive and grow between you. Emotional safety is essential to a deep connection, which really is all it’s cracked up to be.
164 replies on “Verbally Abusive Husband and How to Make Them Stop”
I agree. I’m going through this as well. 25 years married and I’m not perfect but I know I’m kind and show major respect. I don’t do the childish emotional abuse that my husband does to me and I need guidance from it and this post is just not that
Hi Megan,
This comes up a lot, and it is so discouraging when you aren’t getting what you give.
25 years of marriage really takes something and I admire that. I hear you really want to fix this.
What we see is that when you have a new script he responds differently. It’s such a completely opposite approach that it’s hard for many women to get there on their own. That’s why Laura started a coaching organization, for all the women who were stuck feeling like it was hopeless and just needed a guide to show them the way so that the guy who was showing up like a child becomes her rock. That has been my experience. I want that for you too.
I’d love to invite you to check out the Adored Wife Roadmap so you can get the right support to fix this.
You deserve to feel cherished and special.
Warmly,
Coach Brenda
I totally agree I’m experiencing the same thing every single day its bringing me down and making me miserable, I don’t know what to do anymore I cnt leave ov nowhere to go amd he won’t leave but also has nowhere to go… it’s the verbal abuse that’s getting worse by the day….tnyt for example I aske if he’d clean his mess up nicely and he just bites my head off…I let it go and he was fine for so long he’d went to c a mate and was gone for an hour,he come in and ignored me n went upstairs….10 mins later i asked why u ignoring me…and he pretends its normal,then later on for no reason at all he storms upstairs n slams bedroom door…n keeps going up n down every so often still ignoring me n slamming doors. .different things like this are happening every day and iv had enough I dnt kno what to do anymore I’m sick of trying I’m just shutting down, we’ve been married 14 years and have two kids…its not fair on them either, because my older daughter (15 years old) she sees me upset a lot….I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore….he disrespects me, shuts me down when I’m tryna talk which make me angry cos hel say just shut up…or give it a rest…or roll eyes n sigh its like he doesnt give a crap about my feelings what so ever and refuses to listen but iv got to listen to him n he’s always right….which 9 times out of 10 I’m usually right and have the facts and he absolutely hates that and will still try twisting words to make him look better its ridiculous I cnt cope, I wish I could run away with my 2 girls, I swear if I had the money I would…instead I’m stuck here unhappy going through my own health problems and tryna crack on, this is no life and now iv got very bad depression, some days I think of a way out but I dnt ever think I’ll get one . I just hope u have the support u need x
Hi Emma,
This sounds really frustrating and painful to be treated this way. Feeling trapped and wanting more for your girls and not knowing who he is anymore sounds really hard. It sounds like something is missing for sure.
I remember how lonely it was to not feel seen and supported. I really cherish the beautiful, tender partnership I have with my husband now.
I’d love to invite you to check out The Adored Wife Roadmap for free tips to turn this around and get back to a playful, passionate relationship. I know there is hope for you. You deserve to feel cherished and adored.
You don’t have to be alone in this.
Standing for you,
Coach Brenda
Ur story sounds so much like mine. I’m truly sorry. He was not like this when we married. He won’t go to therapy and I too am afraid that financially I can’t make it work on my own. I recently had to go on disability and that opened the doors to him being so controlling and disrespectful. We have been married for 26 years. I’m sad to say that I think it it over. I stayed for the kids and then gave it another try. It seems my inability to work due to my disability was the tipping point. I have no close family and he knows that. So he gets to treat me how ever he wants. I hope for the best for you. You and I both deserve love and kindness. Good luck in your journey.
Lildanielle, ouch, this sounds so painful to think that your disability is creating conflict in your marriage. I admire that you keep trying to make it work. It sounds devastating to feel disrespected and disregaurded when all you want is love and kindness from the man you married.
I remember feeling that way and it was awful. Sending hugs.
I feel so grateful to know I am not alone and to have the marriage of my dreams now. The same guy I once thought I made a mistake marrying is now my safe place to feel heard and seen.
Have you gotten The Adored Wife Roadmap yet? I’d love to invite you to check it out for tips on turning this around. From there I can share more about getting back to a playful, passionate marriage.
You don’t have to go it alone.
Standing with you,
Coach Brenda
Yes I feel the same. My husband flies off the wall over anything and I’m just sick of it. Constantly gaslighting me, saying stuff and denying it and calling me crazy? I know I could utilize the steps to a degree but it wouldnt change his toxic behaviors. If I turn around and apologize to him for his horrible behavior then it would only get worse. He would do it just get an apology. That would get crazy and he would do it with no problem because I’m allowing it and apologizing. Sometimes when I’m wrong, yes but that’s not the case with this man.
Hi Tia,
I hear how accountable you are. It’s hard to get there when you’re feeling so hurt yourself though. It sounds pretty unfair to be on the receiving end of gaslighting and toxic behavior. No one deserves to be treated like that.
I remember when I thought it would take a miracle to change my husband but now I have the partnership in parenting I always wanted and a guy who is crazy about me and…I’m still married to the same guy I thought would never change.
So I know there is hope for you.
I’d love to share The Adored Wife Roadmap with you. It’s free and will show you where to go from here. You don’t have to go it alone.
You deserve the marriage you imagined when you said “yes” to your man.
Sending hugs,
Coach Brenda
I agree. I have apologized and he has said that I didn’t mean it. Thank you for posting. I thought I was going crazy.
Hi Lildanielle,
Saying you didn’t mean it when you were so accountable and apologized sounds really hard and hurtful to hear, not to mention disorienting. I can relate to not getting the response I hoped for in a similar situation and how much that hurt. The vortex seemed inescapable, but now I feel so safe with my husband and can communicate in a way that leaves me feeling heard, seen and protected by him. It’s the best feeling!
I’d love to invite you to check out The Adored Wife Roadmap for next steps to create more emotional safety.
You deserve to feel cherished and special.
Standing for you,
Coach Brenda
I am dealing with the same thing. I am extremely respectful and loving to my husband but he is extremely childish and abusive and has no accountability. We tried counseling a couple times but he’s so manipulative that he leaves me there with my jaw on the floor going, what has happened and the counselor siding with him. I’m desperate to find anything to help.
Hi MinNam,
It sounds confusing and painful to be respectful and loving and get manipulation in return.
Being baffled by my husband used to be the norm, but he is so considerate and thoughtful now.
Have you gotten The Adored Wife Roadmap yet? It’s free and once you get started with that, I can share more about getting back to a playful, passionate marriage.
I really admire your commitment and courage. I know there is so much hope for you.
Standing for you,
Coach Brenda
A much-needed post! Your clarity around verbal abuse and its impact is eye-opening. Thank you for educating and empowering others.
My husband just called me on FaceTime just to be hateful and to provoke me. It was really dark in the room he was in. At first he told me he’s in the room and when I was asking him why he said, here we go again. We haven’t lived in the same place in a long time now. He and his mother have been living with some guy. I pay for his phone he has and he’s on my phone service plan. I know I seen what looked like a forehead on his shoulder when I turned the brightness up on my phone. He even turned and looked at something (or someone) I couldn’t see. He called me a name and hung up on me. When I texted him telling him I’m going to turn his phone off he texted back saying good and that I won’t be able to call him over and over. He ended up calling back and had a dim light on saying he was in the garage showing the phone around to show no one was in there like someone couldn’t have already went out of there. I called him out on it and he hung up on me
Brittany, wow, this interaction with your husband sounds so devastating and painful. Ouch!
I can relate to how my husband showed up before I found Laura’s skills. I couldn’t see how I could ever turn this around by myself and feel his love and adoration for me once again rather than his rudeness and disgust for me. I was mortified we were headed this way in our marriage.
I couldn’t do this alone and that is why I researched and found Laura’s community of like minded women that stand for me, when I was feeling at my lowest lows.
And here I am now living an amazing life of trust, love, and passion for one another. And I did it without my husband’s conscious effort to boot.
I want you to have all that and more!
Join Laura’s Adored Wife group FREE today and turn this around with your husband pursuing you and finding you simply irresistible that he can’t hang up the phone because of your magnetism.
Standing with you,
Coach Sue
Laura Doyle Connect
I feel like I’ve taken so many steps to being as respectful as possible, always being polite and making sure he knows I’m grateful. However I am still on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse for simply communicating my needs or oftentimes just saying things that come to mind because I mistakenly think that it’s a safe space. The other day a joke I made make him fly off the handle even though it wasn’t even directed at him. I live on a minefield.
Ugh, Helen this sounds scary and lonely to feel like you live in a minefield and even an innocent joke can set off your guy. That’s not how a marriage should feel. You deserve to feel free to be yourself. Sending hugs.
I remember feeling like I couldn’t even joke and have fun with my husband. It was discouraging and lonely! Thankfully I found Laura and now we laugh and joke all the time and it’s so connecting.
Are you in The Adored Wife Circle yet? It’s free to get started, and from there we can connect you with more support so you can feel confident, connected, and fully yourself in your marriage.
What do you think?
Coach Brenda
My Fiancé has a horrible habit of berating me for hours when she is angry insulting me with name calling, saying things to make me feel worthless, not good enough, and like I am overall not doing enough. She also tells me she dont mean it later when she isnt mad but inevitably does it again. I dont mind that so much but what does bother me is we have roommates and she purposely will loudly say things bad about me for these other men and other women to hear which causes me to stress extremely and sometimes freak out. I just want the respect of privacy when she is upset, I feel like it makes not only me but her look really bad to be heard just saying terrible things for hours. I also dont understand how someone can go on and on for hours. Sometimes until the next day, I try to reassure her and tell her at that point if im not feeding into it she is just choosing not to be happy or get over it. Things shouldn’t last that long.
Hi Martel,
Being repeatedly insulted, especially in front of other people, is incredibly stressful and painful.
Wanting privacy and respect without being torn down is completely reasonable.
Laura wrote a blog just for men seeking support if you’d like to check it out.
Warmly,
Coach Brenda
So my husband does this same exact thing – he has ADHD and I believe they are stemming. After she does that does she fall asleep sometimes?? Does she have sensory issues certain clothes or textures?? I would love to talk further
Heyy I am in a marriage with my husband for 4 years almost 5 years and my husband calls me bad names and cussing me out. He threw me out of my house twice and I always apologize even though it’s not my fault. Bad thing today he wanted a fishing license for Ms for a year but couldn’t find tht so wen I told my husband he said I was dumb and tht he wants a smart woman and he said yea I was already thinking of leaving u for a smart woman and I got up and started crying in the bathroom. Nothing I do will ever make him happy bc I was born disabled. Wat should I do. Im trying my best to stay with him bc I dnt think no one wants a woman thts disabled. It took me a long time to find a guy tht would treat me right but I think I’m wrong.
Elizabeth, no one deserves to be treated this way. It’s heartbreaking to be doubting yourself and even wondering whether you’re desirable on top of everything else. I remember feeling undesirable too and being on the fence, and how painful it was. That’s why I’m so passionate about getting the 6 Intimacy Skills into the hands of every woman and would love to share them with you. You deserve to be respected, desired and cherished!
My husband has for the last couple of years been so occupied in doing his own thing around the house, I have almost begged him to come talk with me have a glass of wine etc etc especially at the end of the day. This has made me continually feel I only get the crumbs off the table and not proper time with him. It has driven me further and further away from him and I get angry with him about this constantly happening and being pushed aside because of some chores.When he does this and I’m angry I will cuss in frustration and I end up crying as I feel so frustrated that he is allowing us to grow apart. Last night he told me he’s had to put up with 12 years of abuse from me (because I cuss in my anger) we’ve been together 12 years and now I feel the marriage is over and I’ve wasted 12 years of my life with him. How can anyone come back from that ? He’s never one to say sorry I have to always say you really hurt me because of X but saying sorry just doesn’t come naturally from his mouth and he makes me feel he doesn’t care as he will happily let me sit in another room sobbing my heart out rather than come to apologise or check on me.
I’m thinking of ending the marriage as I can’t forgive him for saying that he has put up with 12 years of abuse from me and today he’s retracted that statement saying he was so very wrong for saying it. What should I do?
Kay, this sounds heartbreaking. No one should have to hear words like that from her man! Only getting crumbs when you’re starving for connection is awful. That sounds so lonely, especially now that you’ve been sobbing alone. No wonder you’ve been so frustrated and angry.
So many women have come to our campus on the fence about their marriage. They wanted to be able to say they had tried everything before giving up. Only you know what’s right for your marriage. But if you do want a marriage full of connection, attention and affection, we can help you with that.
You are not alone. A whole group of like-minded women waits to welcome you with open arms in The Adored Wife, which you can join for free today.
I have been with my husband for 10 years this July your story echoes mine to a tee, except for the curse words, I get belittled, laughed at, put down, accused of things I havent done, and if I dare try to discuss his behaviour and how he makes me feel, he manipulates the situation, gaslights me denying saying mean nasty things to me, or he will say where do you come up with all this stuff because we arent the only people living in the house he “never” does it when people are around to hear him or he will wait til we are going somewhere as I am disabled and on a walker..and then wonders “why” i want nothing to do with him.He lives eats and breathes his phone unless he wants to go somewhere..so now I get up and walk away as soon as he starts his crap
Hi Kathy, ouch, this sounds so hurtful being belittled and gaslit by your man. Seeing him on his phone when you just want connection and closeness sounds really painful and lonely.
I remember feeling that sting and wanting to get away too. You are not alone. Now my husband seeks me out and I feel truly seen by him.
I’d love to invite you to check out The Adored Wife Roadmap for top tips to turn this around and get back to the marriage you imagined when you said “I do.”
I know there is hope for you!
Warmly,
Coach Brenda
Me and my husband been married 18 years, and it has been good, even when he cheated on me, we was separated 2 yrs but founf our way back to each other I was the center of his world again till about 3 and half yrs ago and its really bad now he has turned into the cruelest man I know he will say ugky things till I cry and then I get the silent treatment forb2 days no I did not do ir say anything to set him off I go above and beyond to make sure I don’t but he will find something to start a fight im so tired I been holding on to hopw the man that use to love ne will come back to me I just don’t know how much more I can take
Hi Leslie,
This sounds so hurtful and exhausting to live with after 18 years together. It makes sense that you would feel heartbroken and worn down by his cruel words and the silent treatment. You deserve tenderness and care.
I remember how much it hurt when I felt like I made a mistake marrying my husband.
Now I feel like a genius for marrying him with how loved and adored I feel. It all started with getting the right support.
I’d love to invite you to The Adored Wife free group so you don’t have to carry this alone and can get the next steps for saving your marriage.
Standing for you,
Coach Brenda
My husband is a true narcissistic person that is Bipolar as well— he refuses to accept his problem that his whole family sees also.
His verbal comments happen daily sometimes for hours – always attacking my children and parents for their political party🤦♀️
I first tried defending myself but since have stopped as it brought me to stress and tears — I recently started taking Lexapro to help with the stress and it’s helped with me being numb to most of his rants. I can do nothing right in his eyes because I wasn’t in the military like him for 20 years! In his eyes no one is worthy unless you serve your country!
I am his third wife and he dated numerous women that left him during a 4 year period I was told by his sister.
I’m hanging on by a tread – he’s spent all my inheritance and all our savings on this property we bought and building a small apartment in a big workshop .— his dream.
It’s to the point he tells me not to talk if a ask a question— which I try not to talk unless he asks a question then when I do he goes on a rant with my answer.
I’ve read two of Laura’s books to no avail.
If I apologize I’m being a smart mouth or called a liar!
We have no physical life unless he wants me to take care of his needs but not in a normal way🤮 When I try to talk about it he gets all crazy so I just have given up.
He was kind and passionate when we dated but the day of marriage that ceased ! From articles I’ve read this is his narcissistic behavior— wish I had know before marrying!
At a total loss — I try to do what I can to make him happy but he criticizes everything—
He refuses counseling— says he doesn’t have a problem.
Pat, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re hanging on by a thread. I can see why you feel at a loss! It’s scary and painful to have read my books and tried to make changes, seemingly to no avail. You are not alone.
I still remember how bad it felt when I thought my marriage was hopeless. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women, even when they felt that their situation was too far gone and the Intimacy Skills just wouldn’t work for them.
We can help you too. Here’s a free Roadmap to fix your relationship.
From a man’s point of view this article is 100% correct, thank you so much for writing it. The women in the comments getting very upset are exactly the ones who would never apologise for the horrible hurtful things that they say to their husbands, but then cry abuse if boo is said to them.
What if he’s calling you names like “Bitch” should you still do step one and two?
In 2000, my husband and I returned from Hawaii. Our daughter was married there and my husband had agreed to pay plane, lodging, for our other daughter, her spouse and one yr old baby so they could be there for the wedding too. Overall, it was a wonderful trip but upon our arrival home, the next day something snapped in my husband. We were driving around our home town doing a little shopping. In a 5 lane road, he was in the “go straight” lane . The lane to
His left was the left turn lane. We were stopped at red light and when it changed…he began to turn left, I couldn’t believe it! I said nothing, as I am not allowed to and especially when he is driving. He then complained to me…he says, ” did you see what that other car did? She cut me off!”
I gently explained that he wasn’t in the left turn lane. He exploded. He told me that I was wrong.
He drove all the way around and drove back down that same road to prove me wrong….then he said to me: WELL, YOU ARE RIGHT , FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!” I couldn’t believe him! I did nothing wrong. It never failed, when he had a bad day at work, he took it out on me…verbally.
One time I threatened to leave him, he said, good, maybe you will learn something, I retorted,
“I learn plenty just by watching you!” He cowered.the next day he took me out to a bed and breakfast. Our dinner at night..he reached across the table and took my hand and told me that he needed to be thankful for what he has” ….now that we have been retired he rarely ever starts that verbal crap, because I usually know what to say…”if u are angry at someone, don’t take it out on me!” And he knows I mean it. He is mild now and laid back , so much better than when we were younger.
Your husband sounds just like mine he can fly off the handle for no reason or a minor issue and if I say anything it’s my fault so, I say nothing as he’s yelling about really nothing.
Melodie, this sounds so painful and scary. Especially when it’s over something so small or even over nothing!
You are definitely not alone.
What outcome are you wanting to see?
At times, my narc husband will begin verbally abusing me just after getting out of bed. I sincerely did NOTHING for him to be screaming at me. I have tried being calm, watching my words, focusing on the behavior or issue & not the person. But HE just rages on! He will actually rage for over 2 hours by himself!! This is after I have told him that I will not have a conversation with him until he can speak calmly & rationally in a respectful manner. I will have a conversation with you at that time. I give say about 15 minutes…but nope! He still chooses his bad behavior & more filthy words. What do you do then??
I’ve been told that too and was just told today that I’m a blimp. I’ve been called many names, but not “sworn” at because he’s a Christian and doesn’t think swearing is right! He gets in these rants where he won’t stop even when I’m crying and begging him to stop- he has called me the c word and stupid, dumb and retarded. He also has trouble keeping work and that has led to a lack of respect on my part towards him- it’s always someone elses fault for why he quits jobs and it puts a lot of stress on the family. I thought of leaving so many times but have two children with him, but am worried about what they are hearing and the failure of another marriage. I feel like I’m just surviving when I get home- there is no connection and quite honestly, even after praying and asking God to change things, there’s no result- it truly takes two and both have to see the things that need to be worked on and changed. Silence is how I deal a lot of times and I’ve been feeling so down- it’s depressing to think of spending years more with this man
I was just told I was dumber than a doorknob, smh
I can appreciate that a person should be respectful of ALL people, including him or herself. That’s just common courtesy, not obsequious fawning. However, I’m at a loss of how to deal with my definitely-abusive (verbal, not physical, though he threatens often) husband. His abuse is draining me emotionally. Most of the time I say nothing in response when he starts carrying on since anything I might say adds fuel to the fire. At times, I’ve definitely NOT been respectful and have blasted back at him after he’s said something amazingly awful to me. By far, though, silence is my only defense. I stay with him for one reason only; I don’t believe in divorce. Separation might be an option. Just for the record, I have apologized when I’ve said something hurtful on quite a few occasions and he has sometimes also apologized. But the problem persists and the environment and atmosphere is heavy and sad. I haven’t mentioned before now that he has been unemployed for most of the past five years which means I’m his sole support. His abuse often comes out of the blue though there are times when I can predict when it will start. I mostly just turn inwards and concentrate on good things. I’m having a particularly hard day today and needed a place to vent. I’m sure he’s not the type of person you were referring to in your post above who could be placated by an apology. His problems are far bigger and deeper-rooted. I’m ready for an end to the frustration and pain. It would be easier if he were employed.
Am in the same situation Laura, and am thinking of calling it quit because i can’t stand his verbal abuse anymore. i ve had enough of his insults and always letting me knw how worthless i am. its been 4 days now and we’ve not been talking to each other because am badly hurt about the terrible words he has been using for me any time there’s an argument. The kids are on vacation break and i ve taking them along with me to spend the holidays at my parents end and he has not even checked on us. thought i love my husband and want my marriage back. But my fear is, how to make him stop this abuse and restore peace back in my marriage. He keeps saying am disrespectful of which am not. He does something and dnt feel any remorse at all but he will turn around and put the blames on you aa if you’re always the cause.
I don’t think I deserve to be called names and be told I’m worthless just because I voiced my frustrations of his actions that impact my stress. I think that’s fighting dirty just to protect their ego. Makes me sick how al I wanted to do was establish boundaries but get back a slap in the face
But what if HE doesn’t apologize? I can see when he gets abusive. It’s usually when he is questioned or challenged on his behavior.
For example, we had a great day. He took the day off and we took the family on a hike. He complained the whole time, but when I complained about the bugs bothering me, he said I should “go to my sister to the mall instead.” I questioned why it was ok for him to complain and I couldn’t? He really didn’t have an answer, except that he said his complaints were about himself. Like, that’s different. I could tell it made him upset that I even said anything about his “go to the mall instead” comment.
All was ok, but I offered to drive home since I figured he was tired. Well, it’s normal for him to criticize my driving. He is easily road raged himself when he drives and he wants me to do what he says when I am driving. He doesn’t sit and sleep on the ride home, or read a book or look at his phone. No, he watches my every move. And I couldn’t do much right. I guess because I am a “woman driver”. Anyway, we were almost home. I was going the speed limit and “let” someone pass me. I said well what did you want me to do. He said, don’t let them. So, I guess I was supposed to speed up and not let him pass me for some reason. I “questioned” him…”What good would that do? Would it teach him a lesson?” And he said yes…”Youre a fucking idiot. I don’t know why I stay married to you.”
Um.How do I respond to that??? Should I apologize? For what? This is a pattern. He is loving, caring most of the time, but when I “question” him, regardless of whether he should be questioned or not, he gets verbally abusive or he gives me the silent treatment for days.
I came across this post. I am in a very similar situation. I am the bread winner, own the house, spouse very verbally abusive and breaks everything but when in not in a rage mood is a good guy. I am curious how things turned out for you. I hope you are well.
BB, that sounds so scary. And confusing, knowing that you have a good guy when he’s not in a rage. I hear you asking whether there’s hope, right? I remember feeling hopeless and how painful it was. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships, even when he was a rager. We can help you too! You can learn more about the 6 Intimacy Skills right here so you can turn things around too.
Hello, I love my husband and he is deep down a good guy, but the last year I’ve suffered great verbal abuse. I feel emotionally down in the dumps. I am a strong minded woman, a career woman, a physician, and a soon to be mother. However like one of the women above, anytime I ask my husband anything, no matter how small. He takes it as a sign of me being overbearing, and controlling. Women like to get things done. If I ask my husband to take of returning one item, or calling our insurance company and one month later it doesn’t get done…I think I have to right to ask him politely to “please take care of these things.” I have never raised my voice, cursed, or called him any names. Yet in response to me asking my husband these things he says “SHUT THE %$&@@ UP” at the top of his lungs, calls me a “#&$*%ing idiot”, tells me he has married to biggest loser in the world. His whole family thinks he has a problem. My mother threw us a religious baby shower this past weekend. Out of respect for my grandma and my culture, my mom made me promise that no one would drink alcohol till the guests left. I promised her. I caught my husband sneaking bourbon during the baby shower my parents threw for US. I asked him respectfully to wait till the guests left. He caused a scene at my own baby shower, cursed me out. Said I was controlling. He has caused me to fall during my pregnancy, which could hurt the baby. He has thrown glasses and come close to the brink of physical abuse, but never directly hit me. I am scared. I love him, but I am scared to say or do anything. I am a Type A personality but he knew that when we got married. I apologize EVERY time, even tho in my gut i know i didn’t do anything wrong. Perhaps in the past I was a bit overbearing, but being overbearing or “nagging” is no excuse for a husband to verbally abuse his wife. I am worn down. I am on the verge of kicking him out, and we have a baby that will be born in less than 2 months. My sister and friends have witnessed his behavior and I always make excuses for him. They don’t think he treats me right or with any respect. yet after every fight he makes it my fault somehow…and I apologize for the sake of it. Or to keep the peace. He has broken many items in our home (including his own hand) out of rage for silly reasons. This is not who he is. He is a sweet man. Something changed this past year. HELP ME PLEASE.
What happened? I find myself in almost the same situation and I am so torn. I love him so much. He has issues whenever family or friends come over…he doesn’t want to share me. I left two days ago and have been staying with friends. I would love to know how things turned out with you!
Grace, I can see why you’re feeling torn. You deserve the freedom to have family and friends over without his issues getting in the way. Leaving when you love him so much sounds really painful and heartbreaking.
I hear you asking whether there’s hope.
I remember being on the fence, feeling hopeless about my marriage. I was too embarrassed to get a divorce. Turns out, no one had taught me the skills for intimacy, but once I learned them it was amazing how everything turned around. You can learn more about the 6 Intimacy Skills here. If I can do it, I know there is hope for you too!
I’m in a second marriage. I know I have made my share of mistakes and said the wrong thing during a fight in anger but things are getting worse. We’ve been married 4 and a half years. If he is in a good mood things go well and he responds with such optimism and great ideas but if something has turned him sour he goes into a depressive state where I don’t know what to say or do and feel like everything is treated like I am out to hurt him. He sulks and disappears when he can for as long as he can. He is forced sometimes to help because I have a chronic illness and get seizures and can’t drive. He lets me know all the pressure he feels and I feel like I don’t know what is true anymore. He says one thing when he seems ok but says something completely opposite when he is mad or just still stuck in the mood that comes afterwards. It’s a period where he has calmed down but the feelings of frustration are still there and he is not reasonable and I feel like he is not the man I know. Sometimes I feel like we can work on issues ourselves and sometimes I think he has to work out his own issues if we have a chance. Other times he acts like we never fought like he wants us to be close and pretend nothing happened. I am confused and hurt. I am trying to be calm when we disagree but it doesn’t seem to be enough. What do I do when he pretends nothing has happened?
This summer will make nine years since my husband and I got married right after graduating high school. Things were great at first we had out fights but few and far between but three years in we started fighting a lot, again things calmed down and we still had a pretty great marriage and had our first child. Five years in we conceived a second time and sadly experienced the pain of a miscarriage. The first week or so of dealing with that loss we clinger to each other but then all of a sudden things got into a rut. I was still grieving and having a dark bout with depression but he thought it was time to move forward and let go of the pain. Guess that’s just how he dealt with it. Six weeks after the miscarriage we concieved a third time and had a beautiful little boy who we found out is hearing impaired and has a heart murmur but still extremely healthy. Our fighting got even worse after he was born. The insults really started between the miscarriage and conception of baby #3. Suddenly he started calling me hateful and downright crude names that I rather not repeat. This past summer we found out we were expecting once again another boy. I had a rough pregnancy with quite a few complications. Our miracle boy was born six days before thanksgiving, nine weeks premature and has been in the NICU ever sense. Again we clung to each other through most of this but now almost two months post baby and after two days of me on life support things are getting bad again. Now he constantly criticizes my every word action move and everything I do. Cooking cleaning laundry kids driving you name it he critisizes and calls me horrid names. He flies into screaming rages where he just blows up about everything. I don’t know how to fix things at this point. We have both put so much into our marriage neither wants it to end but what do we do???? Help
I’m married to a very Jekyll and Hyde type man. He flies into a rage quite unexpectedly, and it quickly devolves into swearing, yelling, and telling me all the ways I’m weak and incapable. It’s scary, and it feels like being beaten up. I go dark…meaning I just say yes and no, my heart races, I flinch…I’m scared. That just seems to make him more angry and he says that I’m not strong enough to support him when he’s stressed. I’m not fighting back or being defensive…I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and so I try to be invisible and wait for the storm to pass. In the meantime, it’s hard and sad and its wearing me down. I honestly don’t know what to apologize for…being scared? Not being able to just overlook the huge, violent, mean-spirited indulgent outburst?
Shannon, that does sound scary to face such anger and be beaten up verbally, then be criticized for it!
I hear that you’re still willing to apologize, and I acknowledge you for your profound willingness and commitment to your marriage.
I remember feeling confused about when to apologize and what my part was when my husband and I used to have such explosive fights. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, I learned to identify when I had been disrespectful myself and how to leave what was on his side of the street there. Now that I have the tools to create a culture of respect in my home, we never fight like that anymore! Instead, we have playfulness and passion.
I’d love to give you the tools to get the respect you deserve. I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
How do you feel about a husband that calls his wife horrible names on a consistent basis for reasons like the wife asking him if he can fold clothes on the couch instead of the bed to refrain from waking her up? And I’m talking about the worst names in the book. When my husband does this to me and I start crying, he calls me weak pathetic and a p**** because I can’t handle it. And I have done nothing to contribute in anyway shape or form.
Jamie, I feel hurt just thinking about it! No one deserves to be treated that way. I really admire your vulnerability–and your commitment to your marriage.
There were lots of nasty names flying around my house too. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which restored the respect between us and made me feel cherished, desired and adored.
I’d love to see you get the respect and tenderness you deserve. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
What about when he calls you names and when I go to break up with him because of it he threatens suicide in order to make me stay? Does threatening suicide after break ups become a deal breaker or is it fixable? Btw we are engaged .
Maelene, That sounds so scary and stressful. I can see why that seems like a deal breaker. But since you are engaged that tells me that you see something special about him, and that you share something beautiful and amazing between you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have wanted to marry him. That wasn’t one of his better moments, for sure. But is that who he really is? You know better than anyone. If you didn’t have hope I don’t think you would have written to me. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to find out what’s possible for your relationship. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Im heading toward a divorce, im fed up. i recently came across this blog and read ur book in the past which has good points. but i must say i did feel upset and confused too. my husb doesnt talk nice to me at all he lies and gets angry very often. and i always gave him respect ,trusted him treated him well. and he knows it and never complained about me. he has his emotional issues when anything goes bit wrong he just yells and throws stuff like little kid, by now i know its not because of me,like i used to think. He can apologize later that day. but it doesnt help me much because it happens again and again and its not either healthy for kids to see a father acting up. i cant imagine stuff improving until he will go for help which he prob wont.
Reevi, Sounds really scary to live with someone who rages like that. Sorry to hear. You’re the expert on your own life and you know what’s best for you. No one should have to live like that.
I know that people usually write to me when they want to hear that there is still hope, so I want to let you know that there IS still hope from what you describe here. You could sure use some support as you sound exhausted. Consider a complimentary discovery call to get on the phone with one of my coaches and discover the best move for your marriage. You can apply for your call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
There are times when my husband called me horrible names if I don’t do what he asks his way. I have tried boundaries, kicking him out, anger, crying and walking out, calling him names back but nothing worked. Im curious to see how the word “ouch” will play out I’m willing to try anything. I think I’ll combine that word along with walking out in order to preserve My self esteem.
Yes, I am and have been investing in those qualities for myself, for my healing, and for my family. I don’t know if following your program can help my marriage situation. You can (actively) love another person, but I dont think you can make someone stop being unkind, verbally or otherwise. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I am only able to be around my husband a short time before it happens. I understand the unkindness is a symptom, but I don’t think he wants the cure. (I did read the article about the spouse not working on the marriage.) I believe what you are doing is very good. It is very admirable to encourage love and vulnerability. Thank you.
Thanks, Surprised. I appreciate that you’re in a tough situation. I hear a few things in your post that gives me confidence that you have a lot of power to create the relationship you’re craving. Most of my clients think their situation is different and incurable, and but it ends up being a wonderful surprise that they held the key all along, just like Dorothy. Have you considered a complimentary discovery call?
If you’d like one you can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Your situation sounds similar to mine. We can’t be around each other for long before an outburst happens unless I make myself not react to things that actually do bother me.
I can appreciate your reply. I racked my brain for years to think of anything I could do about it. But when you are lied to no matter what, you know it’s his. Accountability is a choice. So is lying to manipulate perceptions, and using those false perceptions to have and use control over others (and lying about it).
Surprised, it sounds like it was very painful and stressful for you. I know for me, the things that drove me the most nuts about my husband before I had the Intimacy Skills seemed very stubborn and permanent, but I was amazed at how different things became when I focused on the things in my control. Your situation may have been different, I don’t know. But I feel like it’s always time well-spent to learn to nurture emotional safety, respect, dignity, vulnerability and gratitude. Those are all things I can control, and that’s where I got my miracle.
What about liars? More respect is used as license.
Surprised, it’s no fun to be lied to, but I used to have that happen a lot when I was not an emotionally safe person to talk to. In other words, I had something to do with it. Being respectful helps with having my husband know it’s okay to think out loud or make a mistake without having me explode or sulk or demean him. There’s more openness and honesty between us now that I’m safe to talk to.
Laura,
Thank you for keeping these blogs alive as an encouraging factor for couples. The problem that I believe I have with my husband isnt that we argue or fight or are hurtful as you explain here. But our greatest downfall is that we dont speak at all or close to barely. Then at times when we do speak he can be hurtful towards me by speaking without thinking or realizing what hes saying.
Now I’m the type that I will blow up and just let him have it, but that was before we got married (almost a year ago), now I stay quiet and keep my thoughts and especially verbal reactions to myself. Now is this a bad thing to do?
Serrano, I think it’s an excellent idea to not blow up at your husband. I had a hard time with that when I was first married, so I’m glad to hear you have so much self-control. I think I also hear you saying you don’t feel as connected as you would like to, and that you feel hurt at times. Have you read The Empowered Wife? I talk a lot in there about what to do when your husband hurts your feelings, how to get him to know how that feels for you and maybe even get an apology–all while nurturing the intimacy. We used to have a lot of cold-wars–not talking much, just lots of tension in the house–and that might be what your describing. Of course you want to regain the connection, and you absolutely can. Keep me posted on your progress.
Hello,
A man here who just stumbled across your blog. Might I give a great compliment to what you have written, as well as the comments from the ladies struggling with this…very educational.
I am unfortunately a product of a failed marriage. I can speak from experience that a man really is hurt by his wife’s dispariging words. All a man wants to do in his life is please his lover. I used to beg my wife to just “be nice”. I didn’t even care that she was absolutely incapable of offering or accepting an apology. I could eventually get past the hurt(forgiveness) and reconcile, even though there was never any mention of accepting hurting words on her part.
The nearest thing I could ever come to ending a disagreement was to just stop and say, “Truce”. Let’s just stop fighting and be nice to each other. The truce word did work for a while, until she got to the point that she just didn’t care anymore.
If only(yeah, I know) she had just stopped the continued jabs with a pitchfork, I would have tried to move mountains for her.
TL;DR. Always remember that respect actually feels like love to a man.
Here’s a quote that I’ve modified from the Bible Ephesians 5.
“Husbands, love your wives like Christ loves the Church”(Wives, give your husbands something to love). “Wives, respect your husbands”(husbands, give your husbands something to respect).
Good day ladies…keep up the excellent work. 🙂
Hi, i fit all the 3 criteria that i’m wrecking my marriage which led to my husband having an affair. Eventhough he said that they already break up but my husband still contact her ex girlfriend. He said he still loves me, and he treats me and the kids kindly. however his action hurts me badly. how to become a surrendered wife when i am badly hurt. Do i need to force him to stop or just let he stop on his own. will he leave that girl if i become a surrendered wife?
Emma, that sounds so painful! I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. To answer your question, I have seen many women regain their relationships in a situation like yours by practicing The Intimacy Skills. I have a blog about it here: http://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-had-an-affair-now-what/
Unfortunately, I don’t know a way to “force him to stop” but I do know a way to draw him back to you. As his wife, you have more power than his mistress for sure.
I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call here to get some support:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
There’s plenty of reason to hope that your husband will devote himself to you and only you again, and your marriage will be better than ever!
Hi Laura,
Your books are AMAZING! I loved the surrendered wife and am in middle of The Empowered Wife. Ive really seen a transformation in my marriage so thank you!!!
My problem is that my husband has no interest in spending time with my kids. He loves spending time with me but finds the kids overwhelming and unejoyable to be around:( He uses work as an escape and my kids really resent his lack of presence. Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you!
Jen, Congrats on your transformation in your marriage! That’s fantastic!
On the issue with the kids, what is your desire? How about expressing it to your husband in a way that inspires him?
Also, you could “borrow his brain” about how to have family time with the kids be more enjoyable for everyone.
Here’s another thought: Come to the retreat and leave him with the kids for three days and come back with some great skills for making your whole family happier!
Greetings Laura… Thank you once again.
My husband (if that’s what one can call him at this point) is so blatantly disrespectful I just can not the responsibility for his behavior.
If he feels disrespected he has issues. Stemming before me .. From childhood maybe. I may trigger that for him but I just dont think I can fix this.
Rehema, You definitely sound hurt, so it must be very rough what you’re enduring! I’m sorry to hear. I get that it doesn’t feel like you have the power to influence the culture at your house, but I’m wondering if you might be willing to experiment for a bit and just see what happens? What could it hurt? Have you read The Empowered Wife? If you’re anything like me, you may have gotten the wrong information and it makes things worse. Having the Intimacy Skills rocked my world and continues to make my relationship great 17 years later.
I’m going to give it a shot! He said he wants a divorce but hasn’t left yet, so it can only help!
Linsay, That’s awesome! I can’t wait to hear about your success. Did you apply for a complimentary discovery call yet? I highly recommend it in your situation. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Its also very hard not to defend yourself if he’s yelling and swearing for no reason at all but because he’s stressed from work.
Linsey, it really is very hard! But it’s also gratifying when you do and you realize that your side of the street is clean–nothing to apologize for. And it means the only voice ringing in his head is his own conscience. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying it’s worth it.
My biggest struggle in following the 6 Intimacy Skills is letting go of the resentment that has built up over the years due to the hurtful things that he has said and done. I know I’ve been very disrespectful in the past without knowing it, but it’s so hard for me to forget what has been said and done. It’s also hard for me to be successful following it for more than a day or to because I don’t see immediate results. I’ve started this new way of things, but he continues to be hurtful. I think Laura’s advice is amazing and different in a good way. I think it can save my marriage. The only thing in the way is my pain and my lack of patience. :/
Linsey, congratulations on having the courage to try the Intimacy Skills! I know it means you’re choosing your faith instead of your fear, and I admire that. I also think it’s pretty tough to learn Intimacy Skills on your own. I had support from the beginning myself, and I want the same thing for you. Maybe you can join us at the retreat? Or else you can apply for a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I wouldn’t say my husband is verbally abusive (he’s really awesome, actually), but this is a great reminder of how much power I as the woman have to set the culture in the home. This is a real challenge for me not because I don’t want to but because the home I grew up in did not have an emotionally safe culture, so providing emotional safety just isn’t something I’m really familiar with or used to. I’m the kind who will open my mouth and say something and have no idea why the person I was talking to suddenly went silent or distant. Like, did I just say something wrong? Reading about the intimacy skills has actually been really eye opening because I can now look back on such situations (not just with my husband, but also with friends) and know exactly what I said “wrong,” and I can avoid those traps for the future (as long as I can think about what I’m about to say rather than just say things out of habit).
Have you thought about writing a book for middle school girls about how to be a good friend? I think a lot of those skills are applicable in friendships too (though there are differences in girl-girl vs. girl-boy friendships). I would love for nothing better than for my own daughters to learn these skills early (though I’m not yet ready to turn them loose on dating–they’re still children).
Here’s another cool project idea: What about a movie about a woman who saves her marriage using the six intimacy skills? My husband and I watched the movie “Fireproof” about a year ago and liked it. What about taking that basic theme–a marriage in trouble and one spouse goes on a mission to save it–and make it about a wife doing it using the intimacy skills? You could have a whole series of movies with marriages ranging from on the brink of divorce to generally fine but kind of blah. You can make them real tear jerkers because they’re for women, right? Having a girls’ movie night with a film like that would be a great way to get some discussion going and maybe inspire positive changes. Anyway, I would be all over that, and my kids would probably enjoy acting in the movies 😉
Fernanda, glad you’re feeling empowered in your relationship and that you have such a great guy! That’s awesome.
Thanks for the suggestions about the book for girls and the Fireproof type movie. I’ve had quite a few people suggest that recently! Also, a documentary film crew is in pre-production for something along the lines of what you describe. I’m excited! It will be great to have another way to show women the power they have when they use Intimacy Skills in their relationship. I’ll keep you posted and let your daughters know if there’s a casting call 🙂
Awesome!
I have the book Love Dare. at some point I had to share the book with my husband and was ordered by him to stop.
The day I put the book on the shelve and left it there was the day he ripped apart the apartment. He overturned the desk, the kitchen table, the sofa, and dumbed every drawer and emptied every book shelve. He said he knew I was cheating the big clue was this book he found.
When really I got the book for me. I figured I can always improve.
You know what Since I got the book off the shelve for this maybe I will start reading it again.
It’s funny because by my notes this happened very early in our marriage. So I was already doing things like massages and hair cuts ( still do both those things on a regular basis.) All the household chores where and are my responsibility. He absolutly hates when people bring him things.. So the suggestion to suprise him with something like his favorite desert was just met with being told I was wasting money. My notes for day 14 are intresting.. “purposefully neglect something you would normally do to spend time with your spouse” He was too busy with other things that day. So we did not do anything togather.
p.s. He really does dislike being given gifts to the point it causes anger.
I would like to know why that is, he would probably have to do some self reflection.
My husband is a true narcissist and he doesn’t claim to like gifts.
Ethel;
If he hasn’t left you yet you still have the power within to change your perspective and start treating him like you did when you were dating. We often loose that part of ourselves when we have been in a relationship for a long time. Start trying to be his girlfriend and when he trusts that you have really changed he will come back around. It is amazing how much power you still have..Get in touch with that loving sexy side of you give him the safe non confrontational environment he can count on and come home to and he will change.. Good luck!
I should left him then because nearly 29 years later after 2 children I just found out he got reconnected with a woman he fell in love 21 years ago but afraid to tell her. Now he wants to leave me for her. The whole immediate family is happy for him. The daughters wedding is around the corner and got uninvited so I feel like a failure all round.
Ethel, you can still save and more importantly transform this relationship to be the one you dream of and deserve. I wouldn’t want to be trying to do that on my own though. I invite you to apply for a discovery call here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I will try the magic formula, whatever it takes to find peace. However, my spouse tells me I don’t listen, where as I feel he doesn’t. The other night he said sarcastically that he ‘d shoot himself in the head because why was even there, I don’t listen. I was disgusted at his horrifying sarcasm. And all because he was upset about having to come home to no dinner or something in the fridge for him. I had a late outing with the kids …once in a blue moon for me. I had done his laundry and left the house beautiful…but he had to find something to be mad at. Sure I’ll try to leave something in the fridge next time because I love him but there always seems to be something he finds to be mad at even after i try my hardest to please him. Are some men just never satisfied?
Ana, I’m excited for you to try the magic formula! I think you’re going to see a big difference with your man. I’d love for you to get all six of the Intimacy Skills too. I think you’ll find he’ll seem like a completely different guy, and by different I mean better.
This is exactly like my husband, he’s always finding fault. He’s a fault finder, always complaining. Ha! Tired
Me too, Joyce, me too.
You guys could not be any more correct in your approach, not only in husband wife issues but also with business partners or children, — you have different stents, we all make mistakes and don’t ever,ever critize
What if he doesn’t like or accept apologies?what do you do then?
Kris, That’s okay. The point is more for you to be respectful and acknowledge it when you’re not. He might feel uncomfortable with it at first because it’s new, but that’s not in your control. Being respectful is.
Laura, thank you for your blog re: verbal abuse. What about the situation when my boyfriend yells when I am dealing with a problem, am stressed about it. He is no comfort, just puts down the way I handle it. Then I am shaky due to his yelling at me, and seem to foul up my problem. It hurts to think I can’t depend on him to even be kind at a time like that! He even says he gets impatient with the way I get things done inefficiently, not like him! I am learning to just be quiet about any problem I am dealing with. This doesn’t seem like intimacy to me!
Helen, I hear you that it’s not fun to get yelled at for sure! Have you tried an “Ouch!” in those situations? You can teach him how to treat you.
My husband would not respond well to an “ouch” or “that hurts me”. He does not respond kindly or with compassion when I speak gently to him. He mocks me or thinks I’m being condescending or simply does not care that his words and actions are negatively affecting me. He says I’m too sensitive. I’m not sure that there is anything I can do to make the climate in my home better. If I’m silent about things that bother me I don’t feel like I’m an equal or even in a relationship. If I voice my concerns, even in a loving way, I’m dismissed, told “I don’t want to hear it”, “F You”, or again that I’m overreacting….or I’ll be told, “what about how you act?” of “If you didn’t do X then I wouldn’t blow up on you”. There is no accountability from my husband’s side of things. I feel hopeless that this marriage can make it.
Im In the same boat. I feel hopeless too.
I think you may be married to my husband! He blows up at the slightest thing, says hurtful things all day then ignores me for 3 to 4 days. Then he acts like nothing happened and everything should go back to normal…until it happens a couple of days later. I am currently being ignored. Yesterday we came back from shopping and as soon as I got in the door he demanded that I do the dishes . I said I will do them but I have a couple of things that I had to do first that were higher priority. He went off. First the name calling and telling me what a loser I am. Then when we were driving to another store he told me that if he sees an attractive woman walking down the street he was going to kick my fat ass out of the car and take her home instead. I ended up walking home after he drove off on me.
Yes, I did respond to his name calling. When he called me a loser I said perhaps I would be less of a loser if I were allowed to work on my business as much as he did. We both run our own businesses except he works 12 hours a day on his but every time I sit down to work on mine, he has a new household job or job for his business for me to do. Guess whos is more successful? I wouldn’t mind so much except I have to pay my share of the rent and bills.
I just can’t imagine apologising to him for disrespecting him! I agree that that is how he views it. I know that he thinks I am disrespecting him by not saying how high when he says jump. But what about the disrespect he is showing me??? I will never ever get an apology. If I followed this advice it would be a never ending cycle of him doing whatever he wanted to me and me constantly apologising for it.
Kerry, Im sort of in the same boat. How did you deal with it? Did things get better?
Joanne, I hear you asking whether things can get better for you in that boat, with the painful cycle of him blowing up, ignoring you and pretending nothing happened. That’s not right. I still remember thinking my marriage was hopeless and being scared to try, which is why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships, including those in this boat.
YES, we can help you too! Get a coach so you too can turn things around. Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here: https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
It is the exact same way here. If I bring something up mean that my husband did- 100 % of the time he will literally just instead bring up something that I did wrong that was similar. He will NEVER take any small criticism to heart and he will never EVER genuinely apologize unless it’s for throwing something at me.
I stumbled upon your blog during the darkest place I was at in my marriage. This one entry speaks volumes to me! My husband told me he felt bullied by me when I thought I was just asking him to take out the trash! I plan to use this advice because you are right: I lost respect for him in his eyes.
Well, the verbal abuse became into a physical abuse. Now I am in a shelter . My life has been living hell….
Ethel, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through! Sounds awful. Congratulations on finding the courage to get out. I know it’s not easy. Clearly you were not safe.
Ah I hope you find happiness and you are able now to enjoy your life. I’m 67 mine started 3 years ago I’m everything from a dog to a pig. I don’t answer just cry when I’m on my own. Bless you. Good luck for the future xx