What Makes A Happy Marriage (5 Signs)
I used to think that having a happy marriage was a direct result of marrying the right person.
Now I know better.
Of course, it helps to marry someone who delights you, but all brides are delighted to marry their husbands on their wedding day. So it’s likely that you did marry someone who delights you, and you have the right ingredients to have an incredibly happy marriage.
It’s really not about your husband as much as I used to think.
Women in happy marriages have certain traits and habits in common. It’s amazingly consistent, but wasn’t obvious to me at all! I thought I just married the wrong man.
Was I ever confused and miserable back then. But then I started working on these habits and even I was astonished at what happened next.
I became one of those women with a happy marriage.
They might seem unrealistic at the moment, but that’s okay. You can give them a try and see for yourself if you want.
Here are the habits that you can adopt to have an incredibly happy marriage:
Contents
1. Brag about your husband (in a good way)
When you run into a woman with a happy marriage, she’s always saying something complimentary about her husband. She talks about how hard he works, what a great job he does coaching the kid’s soccer team, or his promotion. She talks about how funny he is, or just how good she has it being married to him, or how romantic he was for their anniversary.
Well of course she does, you might be thinking. She has a good husband!
But what if I told you she actually created that great husband by expecting him to be great?
She knows that what she focuses on increases, so she focuses on the things she likes about him.
Of course he makes mistakes too, or has bad breath at times, or loses his temper, but that’s not the headline you hear when you talk to her because that’s not the big picture that she’s focused on.
She sees greatness in her husband (she wouldn’t have married him otherwise) so that’s what she talks about.
2. Receive things that you wouldn’t have bought for yourself
Women with happy marriages own things they would never have bought for themselves, but that they have come to love because their husbands got it for them.
It could be something that just never would have occurred to her to buy for herself—like the woman who was bewildered when she received the Swiss Army knife from her husband for her birthday.
Over time she came to appreciate how handy and practical it was. It became one of her favorite gifts, but to say she never would have bought it for herself is an understatement.
What does this have to do with being happy in your marriage? Everything!
A happy wife is a receptive wife.
She receives his thoughtfulness–him considering her. She trusts that he saw something about this particular present that she would appreciate or that would make her life better.
She may have thought it was too expensive or impractical, but she stayed open, knowing that he thought it would delight her.
She thanked him genuinely, and actually put the red cowboy boots on so she could discover the gratification he intended for her.
She’s receptive and easy to please even if the present isn’t what she had in mind.
Sometimes, she’s surprised just how many compliments she gets on her unicorn necklace.
Even if she never figures out exactly what he saw in the present, she’s grateful that he bought something purely to delight her.
3. Do your own thing
Women with happy marriages rollerblade, or paint or do Zumba. They craft, bake or play violin. They salsa or blog or blog about salsa.
Some garden, others rock climb or watch birds. They practice calligraphy, sing or podcast.
I’m not talking about couple’s activities—this is something she does independently that makes her happy and fills her up. She comes back in a great mood.
That’s part of why she’s so happy in her marriage—because she does things that make her happy. She has energy reserves when things go wrong, or when her husband makes a mistake, as all husbands occasionally do.
4. Leave dishes in the sink, weeds in the garden or laundry on the couch
Women with happy marriages prioritize their happiness and the intimacy in their relationships above having the house or family look perfect.
Sometimes that means she leaves the dishes in the sink while she goes rollerblading.
It could mean she stops pulling the endless weeds so she can read her favorite blog with a cup of tea. It means her good mood ranks higher than keeping up appearances—even if people come over and see the dishes and the weeds, and even if that person is her mother-in-law.
Women with happy marriages bear no resemblance to martyrs who put everyone else first—quite the opposite. A woman with a happy marriage might abruptly march herself into bed in the middle of everything—knowing that she can’t serve anyone else until she’s well-rested.
And if taking a nap in the middle of everything sounds like an act of courage, that’s because it is.
Women with happy marriages are just that brave.
5. Smile a lot
A woman with a happy marriage is glad to see her husband and her face shows it. I’m not saying she beams at him every second of the day, but she is more likely to be smiling than a woman with an unhappy marriage for sure.
She laughs at his jokes. She can’t help it because she’s so full of endorphins from the rollerblading and singing.
Encouraged, her husband responds even more playfully and tries to make her laugh more.
My husband made me laugh today by pretending to strain from carrying the enormous weight of the grocery bag—containing only the eggs––he was about to hand me.
Okay, so that’s pretty silly, granted. But being silly is part of what lovers do together.
It’s what you probably did with your husband when you fell in love with him, and if my husband and I can go back to being those silly lovers after nearly divorcing, you can too.
It starts with adopting a few habits.
They may feel awkward at first, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll be pleasantly surprised to discover this simple truth: You married the right guy. Now go and give yourself the happy marriage you both deserve.
27 replies on “What Makes A Happy Marriage (5 Signs)”
Hi
Im wondering if your program can help if I dont like my husbands personality? He’s quiet and timid and I want him to be more outgoing and fun. Can I change his personality or do I have to just accept it?
Sara, That sounds tedious! I like the part of the serenity prayer that talks about “the courage to change the things I can.” Feeling attracted to your husband’s personality is not just about acceptance, but also about the courage to change the way you’re showing up so that he responds to you so much better. I know you just want to be a happy wife, but first you have to fix this issue and right now it seems impossible to fix. You shouldn’t have to be stuck feeling unattracted to your husband. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships. We can help you too. So get a coach so you can stop feeling irritated, lonely and hopeless and start feeling excited, happy and attracted again. Apply for a complimentary call with a dedicated team member to explore if private coaching is right for you here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
I love your positive attitude and I can see that it works for some. My husband had an affair 7 years ago, I forgave him , welcomed him home, checked my own behaviours and attitude, became more interesting, took care of my appearance, booked us a lovely holiday to Croatia and on and on.I was surrendered, respectful , gracious, merciful yet he would not stop and 7 years on , I still don’t know if he is using her.I offered my love and intimacy but he said though many people find me attractive, he doesn’t and he will not come near me.He allowed me 2 children 20 odd years ago , then no more sex. I became a good wife in other ways, lovely meals, successful children, but once they were grown, he left, saying he did not want the responsibility of a family.I still offer an arm of forgiveness and grace but he abused my good intentions.What would you suggest in my case when I have tried everything? I’m sorry if I sound cynical.
Lynn, That sounds really discouraging and painful, and I still remember feeling that way in my marriage. You sound like you had a lot more dignity, calm, respect, and appreciation for your guy than I did. I admire that you stuck with it so long. I know for me, pointing out what he did wrong never got me to the marriage I wanted, the one I have now where I feel desired, connected, taken care of. It wasn’t until I had a circle of like-minded women to keep me accountable that I started to see all my blind spots, and that’s when the real empowerment to create the kind of relationship I’d always wanted began. It was hugely painful and joyful, and today I wouldn’t trade anything for my journey. But at first, I sounded just like you–thinking I’d done everything right and he was wrong and bad. That was lonely and exhausting, as you say. You shouldn’t have to live like that, separated from your children’s father and husband of 20 years. That’s not right. You can still fix your relationship and become a happy wife. Get a coach so you can stop feeling dejected, exhausted and frustrated and start feeling desired, special and taken care of.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank you Laura… love this, you just described a friend of mine whose been happily married for over a decade. I’m well on my way to being the happiest wife alive ?
Lesego, That’s great to hear! Love that!
Dear Laura:
Your Blog is very helpful. I attend a 12 Step program, called S-Anon. I notice there are other ladies on your Blog who deal with the same issues that I may be dealing with. I would like to have more support. Wondering if there is a possibility of having a Blog/Chat aimed particularly at women dealing with these issues. Where are you located? Do you give lectures, or weekend retreats? Thank you very much.
The worst thing I do Is constantly question his intentions. I desperately want to feel loved but then when he shows me affection I question why. I need to change my own mindset. Sometimes I feel like I’m married to a robot because I never know how he feels . I guess he doesn’t open up to me because then I would question if he is being genuine. Sorry I’m rambling but I know iv got one of the good guys I just need to surrender. Purchased your book will re-read it now.
Thanks, Laura, this is so helpful! 🙂
Hi Laura,my husband cheated on me with his ex of 15 years ago. We worked on fixing things, went for counseling and even renewed our vows. I just have difficulties forgetting what he did. I try not to show him, but I just shut down and this is putting a strain in our marriage. How I can I let go? Is it possible?
Pearl, I’m sorry to hear about what you went through with the cheating. That’s tough. Congratulations on saving your marriage anyway–I admire that.
It is totally possible to have the impact of that betrayal shrink and become a distant memory, to feel light and easy together again.
One of the things we say around here a lot is “don’t let the pain go to waste” which means that having had that experience you’re also in the position to help another woman prevent or survive the same situation. Do you have any interest in being a relationship coach? It’s also the best way I know to heal your own marriage.
You can find out more here:
https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach
Thanks for your blog posts! They are so helpful to me. I have a question. How do you handle major differences in opinion? For example, suppose your husband wants to move to pursue a job opportunity. You tell him you want to stay because your career prospects would be limited in the new location (which he acknowledges). He gets angry and sulks. Do you go along and make the best of it? Or do you refuse to move?
Thanks AJ, glad you like my blogs. As far as your question, I talk about this in my new book, The Empowered Wife and my favorite approach is to come from my feminine gifts, which are feelings and desires, and then be respectful of his thinking. What he thinks colors what I want. What I want colors how he thinks. So when we make a decision that way, we’re truly navigating together and no one has to compromise.
Sounds like your husband is willing to support you if you move. Many women would love that, but if it’s not something you would love, then you want to stick to your desires while also respecting his thinking. If you need more support with how to do that, you may want to apply for a discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
thank you so much laura for your wonderful post. i really need to do this in other to be happy with myself.
Dear laura,
Tku so much for all the wonderfull work you do. I love it!
Ahuva
Thanks, Ahuva! That makes my day 🙂
Thanks Laura.i want to apply these lessons in My marriage.My challenge is the bipolar of My husband and his changes of mood.but i want to enjoy a lovely marriage.thanks
Mercedes, good news, you can totally enjoy a lovely marriage anyway. I have a blog about that too:
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/husband-with-a-mental-illness/
Hi Laura
Thanks for your blpgs.i am reading sirrendered wife and i notice how many things i did wrong in My marriage.as you know my husband is bipolar and he was infidelity.he came back for My forgiveness and i told him that i needed time.he gave up and now he wants the
divorce.i love him so much.laura do you think my marriage can be saved? Should i forgive him?thanks a lot for your answer.l
Mercedes, I do think your marriage can be saved! I can’t say if you should forgive him–only you know what’s best for you. But I do know that sometimes an affair is an inappropriate response to feeling disrespected for a long time.
I hope you’ll have a discovery call to see what the best next move would be for you:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Thanks for such a wonderful article.it gives a right insight to my mind.
Thank you, Laura, for the wonderful insights. You are a true blessing!
Love this! Thank you for doing what you do. You are such a blessing and an encouragement to so many wives. I am grateful for your willingness to share the gems and treasures you have learned in your marriage. 🙂
Thanks, April! Great to hear from you.
Really great advice! Take care of yourself, sometimes we forget that.
I like this article – – if you have a genuine partner, who really loves you then why focus on the negative so often???? BE happy, focus on happiness, focus on the good stuff and there will generally be more good stuff!!! This is a lesson learned for me because I’ve been a negative focuser. I’ve fell into that trap, unbeknownst to myself and I’m just waking up from it. I like to smile, more than frown. I like to feel satisfied rather than unsatisfied. I like to feel loving rather than feel prickly. I’ll keep moving in this direction because I FEEL BETTER! If my guy chooses to feel bad, I will do my best to not fall into that trap as I’ve done far too much of, far too long. I’m taking the lead in the feel good arena and am hoping he’s on board and will fall into my trap 😉 We’ll see!
Sandra, I’m with you that it’s better for me to focus on what I like instead of the things I don’t. And it’s better for my husband, so everybody wins.