Why Do Men Look at Other Women
Part of why you decided to go all in with your man and commit to him is because he made you feel special.
If you’re like me and most women I talk to, you want to feel special in your relationship. That’s important.
So when you see your husband checking out other women, it’s not only disappointing, it can be threatening. That’s not the agreement you had when he said you were the most wonderful, special, amazing woman in the world.
It can make you angry if he’s looking at another woman in an obvious way! C’mon! Just keep your eyes in your eye sockets, please. It can be embarrassing and make you feel insignificant. And you shouldn’t have to feel that way with your man!
So what gives? Why is it so difficult for a man to just be respectful and only look at you and not at other women?
Let’s talk about that, along with three simple steps you can take today to feel secure and special.
Contents
1. Recognize the Scenery
I mean, in a perfect world, he would only be interested in you, only want to talk to you, and only have eyes for you, right?
But this is not a perfect world. And I still remember how shocked and disappointed I felt realizing this myself.
I wanted to be the only, only, only one my husband looked at. Ever!
Because if he didn’t ever look at anyone else, then I never had to feel afraid that he was going to find some other woman more attractive and threaten my status as his one and only.
But we live in a world with a lot of beautiful women. So many! And there’s no real way never to look at them. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. Funny thing, I find myself also noticing them and wanting a good long look at times.
I even complimented a beautiful woman at an athletic clothing store recently because while the rest of us were strolling around in our workout clothes, she was wearing a fabulous dress and heels, with her hair perfectly styled and her makeup tastefully done.
So I wanted to look!
It was a public service that she was going around so beautified. I took pleasure in admiring her appearance, just like I do when I’m watching a movie or seeing a model.
It’s fun to look at beautiful people of either gender, but since we women are the ones with the tail feathers in the human species, it’s especially fun to look at women.
And you might say, “Well Laura, that’s different!”
You might think there’s no harm in me admiring a beautiful woman, and I agree. Because that’s all I’m doing, just admiring.
But what if that’s all your husband is doing too, when he looks at other women?
You might think that, obviously, that’s not all he’s doing when he’s looking at another woman.
He might be thinking things that you don’t want him to think. And I know from my own experience that it can be very upsetting to think about what my husband might be thinking about that I don’t want him to think about. Especially if it’s all in my head! I can make my own imaginary horror shows.
But I don’t really know what he’s thinking.
Everyone has private thoughts. I can’t know what they are, but I can know the kind of experience I want to have. And I like to focus on that because that’s how you get more of what you want.
2. Ask Yourself This Question
In those moments when I’m upset with John for thinking whatever I think he’s thinking, here’s the question I’ve had to ask myself: “What would I have that I don’t have now if he wasn’t thinking what I think he’s thinking when he looked at the woman who just walked right in front of us?”
That’s how I can get my eyeballs off of his paper and put them squarely back onto my paper so I can figure out how I feel and what I want.
Maybe I feel insecure, and I want to feel desired instead. I might want to know that John admires me and finds me attractive. When that happens, now I just pop a pose and ask him, “How’s this outfit?” or “How do you like my hair?” and he is happy to tell me how cute I am.
That might sound a little needy, and I guess it is. But as a mere mortal woman, I like to feel seen and desired.
I get a lot of unsolicited compliments from John every day, but sometimes I solicit them too. He seems happy to admire me whenever I want, regardless of whether I’m all dressed up like the woman in the clothing store or sweaty and sandy from the beach. I also get lots of spontaneous kisses and cute texts, and I get to go to Disneyland for our 34th wedding anniversary.
And all of that makes me feel so special that it doesn’t seem that significant if he notices the beautiful scenery going by.
Sometimes I even point out the scenery for him: “Check out THAT one!” and we enjoy that scenery together. You might think that’s weird, and I can see why you’d feel that way. But for me, it’s not that different from pointing out a work of art or a shooting star.
3. Create the Experience You Want to Have
If you find yourself feeling bad or upset when your husband is looking at other women, the next question I have for you is: What would you have that you don’t have now if your husband never, ever looked at another woman?
Maybe you would feel more secure or admired or special.
That’s perfect because that’s an experience you want to have, not something he needs to do or not do, think or not think.
It doesn’t have much to do with what he’s looking at as you might think, actually.
So starting with your desire to feel special, how can you have that even if your man just looked at another woman?
One way is to check who he has his arm around, who he sleeps beside, who he’s working to support, who he watches movies with, who he comes home to at night, who he is raising kids with, or who he does chores for.
You can check who he committed to for life in front of God and everybody, and who he professes to love.
If that’s you, then good news. You have evidence that regardless of who he’s looking at in passing, you are very special to him.
What evidence do you have of how special you are to your man? I’d love to hear below.