Why Is My Husband So Defensive?
It’s annoying when you’re trying to have a normal conversation and he either clams up and gets cold or raises his voice or starts arguing with you.
You just want to say “Knock it off!” and have him calm down and relax so you can have a normal conversation.
Why is he so riled up today anyway?
I used to be so confused about why my husband would look exasperated or rub his forehead when all I’d said was, “Why don’t you order new checks online instead of physically going to the bank?”
But it turns out, John is not a defensive guy. Without meaning to or even realizing it, I was offending him. I didn’t think he should be offended! But he was.
Now that I understand better how I was offending him, it’s not that surprising he was reacting so badly before. In hindsight, I was pretty offensive!
Even once I realized it, it wasn’t easy to stop because I didn’t see an alternative at first. I thought if I didn’t say the offensive things I would be a victim of my terrible husband forever. And ever!
But I was wrong.
There was no real payoff to the things I was doing to offend him. They just weren’t worth the price of admission.
You might be thinking, “But Laura! you seem so nice and so sweet. And definitely super funny. How could YOU have been making your husband defensive?”
Here are 3 ways I’m embarrassed to say I unintentionally made him feel he had to protect himself from me:
1. I Was Too “Helpful”
So “helpful” is in quotes there because my suggestions were not all that helpful. *I* thought they were because, obviously, it’s faster to order checks online than it is to go to the actual bank and get them there, right? Who’s with me? So I was just stating the obvious.
That was just this morning, by the way.
Obviously I know better now, but still sometimes I fall into a little helpful pothole. I realized right away I was offending him because he slumped his shoulders in exasperation.
So dramatic. Like I was on his back! Whaaaaaat?!
I was just trying to help!
But the subtext was, “I’m so much smarter than you about getting checks. Do it my way.” And that’s pretty darn disrespectful. Very disrespectful. Let’s be honest.
John is perfectly competent to order checks. I can trust him. There is no need to interfere with how he’s doing that.
Yet sometimes I still find it irresistible to share my infinite wisdom. About acquiring checks, I had given consideration for at least ten seconds before bestowing my helpful advice.
So sometimes I’m still too helpful—I know, I know. Then I regret it because I don’t like it when he gets defensive because then I’m busted and the only thing to do is apologize. Or else just continue to feel hairy and dirty for a while. And then apologize.
2. I Was Suffocating Him
If he seems guarded, that’s a pretty good sign that I may have just been disrespectful in some way, even if I didn’t make a helpful suggestion.
Being helpful is only one of the many ways I can be disrespectful. I’ve tried them all. None of them feels very good for either one of us.
Another way I was eliciting his defensiveness was by depriving him of oxygen, by which I mean respect.
I interrupted him, dismissed him, walked away while he was talking, or contradicted his ideas.
I’m not perfect, but this is an area where using the cheat phrases and practices from the 6 Intimacy Skills™, like “I hear you” and “Whatever you think,” have helped me improve by light years from what I used to be like.
3. I Did Not Express My Desires
When John raises his voice or gets a frustrated look on his face, I’ll think, “What’s up with him?” That’s as far as I used to get, thinking, “He’s obviously got some kind of problem. So annoying!”
But now after practicing the Intimacy Skills for decades, my next thought is, “What just happened? Did I maybe contribute to him responding this way?”
And one of the times I notice him getting defensive is when I can’t figure out what I desire, so he doesn’t know how to make me happy.
When I’m being unpleasable because I can’t decide what groceries I want picked up, whether I want to keep these decorations in the attic for next year, or whether I want a snack too or to just maybe eat his, he gets frustrated.
So, one way to get him to respond better is to have my finger on the pulse of what I want and express it clearly. When I do that, he’s not in the dark about how to succeed at one of his highest priorities, which is making me happy.
It’s up to me to be responsible for my desires, and his umbrage is now just a reminder that I’m deciding not to decide, which is annoying.
Can my husband ever be defensive just because he’s having a bad day? Well, I’m sure that can happen. But when I’m on my game, being a total Intimacy Skills Ninja, it creates a lot of emotional safety around here.
We both feel pretty safe, and when you feel safe there’s nothing to protect against. Everybody can just be their best self, like when you first got together.
It gets pretty peaceful and playful around here, and okay, a little silly and immature even.
That’s why I like knowing what I did—and what I can do to fix it—when my husband is defensive.
If your man is being defensive, how might you have contributed and how can you fix it? I’d love to hear in the comments.
