My Husband Has Low Self Esteem
A confident man is a sexy man.
But an insecure guy is not very appealing.
When you see his doubts and low self-esteem, his indecision or inability to handle a situation you could manage with half your brain tied behind your back, it’s a turnoff.
You start to wonder what you ever saw in the guy. You want him to believe in himself already.
You want to see some conviction and manliness.
Every wife wants her husband to be confident. So how do you cultivate that?
Isn’t it something he’s got or he doesn’t? Can you even influence his self-esteem?
Of course you can. Just not the way you think. Not by telling him to be more confident.
You’re the woman who knows him best in the world, and what you think of him has a profound impact on what he thinks of himself.
Here are 11 ways to make your man more confident.
Contents
1. Stop Doing Things for Him
If you’re anything like I was, you see lots of things you can do better than your husband, and you’ve started doing them for him.
You hang up his clothes the right way so he doesn’t look like he has a growth on his shoulder where the hanger was digging into the fabric.
You rewrite his resume so he can get a better job.
You pack his lunch so he gets something nutritious.
Consider resigning from those jobs—and anything else he can do himself.
Since he was a capable, grown man when you married him, that includes everything.
Why? Because men are different from women in this way: They feel better when they do stuff for themselves. They feel more like men and less like little boys whose mom does stuff for them.
In other words, helping him out can steal his swagger.
I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t lived it.
I stopped doing most things for my husband long ago, and he has never seemed so self-assured to me.
Case in point: After a video shoot with his lawyer clients, my husband told me how, when things didn’t seem very organized, he told the lead lawyer, “Let’s get all of these knuckleheads out of here so we can get these other shots done first.”
The lawyer agreed and said to all the other lawyers, “All of you knuckleheads get out of here and we’re going to get some other shots done first.” Everyone filed out of the room.
My husband called his clients “knuckleheads” and they liked it. So self-assured!
Next he said to me, “Now I’m going to come home and you’re going to pour me a beer.”
He was so appealing I poured that beer for him.
But most of the time, I let him do things for himself.
2. Let Him Do Things for You
I know it’s like a cruel joke that no one tells you these things before you get married, but your husband would rather you didn’t do things for him at all while he does things to make your life better and easier.
Really! You can read all about it right here.
So when he offers to run to the store to get Cocoa Puffs because he knows you want them for breakfast, let him do it.
If you say, “That’s okay, you don’t have to go to the store” and suck it up and eat oatmeal instead, you’ll be missing a chance to shore up his sense that he contributes to your life—that he makes it better.
In other words, you sucking it up is bringing him down.
Consider being grateful while you let him spoil you silly.
3. Get Happy
If you take a bath while he goes out in the rain for the Cocoa Puffs and then you’re so happy when he gets back because you’re relaxed and rejuvenated, that will make him more self-assured.
If you’re feeling good, he figures he did that. He made you happy. And that makes him feel successful.
The happier you are, the more successful he’ll feel. The more he feels like a success, the more he’ll trust himself. The more he trusts himself, the more appealing he’ll be to you and the more you’ll trust him.
It’s impossible for him not to feel more confident when he’s in this virtuous cycle, and it all starts with you getting happy.
4. Expect the Best Outcome
When he’s leaving for the store, don’t call out “Be careful!” or “Don’t buy the wrong kind again!” or “The store will probably be closed when you get there.”
The subtext of all of those is “I’m pretty sure you’re going to screw up.”
He can hear that loud and clear, even if you didn’t say it exactly.
The whole neighborhood can hear it.
Instead, expect what you’d expect from the male lead in the movie of your life. That is, if you want your movie to be a rom-com and not something depressing.
Of course he’s going to do well and return triumphant. You can act like you expect that, even if you don’t.
You could say, “I’ll be here in the tub, awaiting your victorious return with the Cocoa Puffs.”
That’s you deciding to have confidence in him, just the way you want him to have confidence in himself.
At that point, he might as well be Ryan Gosling in La La Land. That’s how confident he feels knowing you think he’ll succeed.
It doesn’t mean he’ll become perfect. But it does mean he’ll do better, because people tend to live up to your expectations for them.
5. When He Asks What He Should Do, Give Him Your Trust
If he asks you which store he should go to or whether to use cash or plastic to pay for the Cocoa Puffs or what he should wear to the store, that’s the perfect opportunity to show that you esteem him.
You can do that by using this magical phrase: “Whatever you think.”
Maybe he’s used to you telling him how to make decisions, like my husband was.
But not this time. This time you’re going to act like you trust him to make his own decisions.
When he sees that you, who know him so well, trust him to decide where to go, how to pay and what to wear on his own, that will go straight to reinforcing his self-esteem.
6. When He Asks Your Desire, Tell the Truth
Sometimes a woman will get so fired up about using “Whatever you think” to show her husband she trusts his thinking that she misses the opportunity to let him know what she desires.
He’ll feel more confident and secure when he knows exactly how to please you, so if he asks what you want, tell him.
If he says, “What kind of cereal should I get?” he is asking your preference, and if you don’t give it to him, he’s going to feel insecure because he doesn’t know exactly how to make you overjoyed.
He’s going to seem nervous and anxious. He won’t seem self-assured at all.
But you can save the day by simply saying what you desire most.
As in, “I would love Cocoa Puffs!”
7. When He Asks Your Opinion, Give Him Your Appreciation
If he asks, “What did you think of me going to the store in the storm to get you Cocoa Puffs,” that is not the time to question his judgment or comment on the weather.
Yes, he’s fishing for appreciation, but why not let him have some?
You could say, “I felt so special and loved that you did that for me!”
It can’t hurt, but it could just help him walk a little taller knowing that you think he did something great.
8. Smile When He Comes Home
Since a big source of self-esteem for your husband is knowing that he pleases his wife, consider being happy to see him whenever you do.
Give him a smile that says “Here comes my hero!”
9. Say Yes to Sex
Knowing that you are reliably available for physical intimacy is a big source of confidence for your husband.
I know the problem is that you’re not always in the mood.
Why is it that when husbands are in the mood and try to initiate sex, wives never are?
I dunno.
But I do know that just because I don’t start out in the mood doesn’t mean I won’t get into the mood once I get started. I almost always do.
I notice my husband feels pretty good about that.
10. Let Him Solve Your Problems
When I have a challenge that has me perplexed, I ask my husband if I can borrow his brain.
It’s crazy how often he has a great idea that I just didn’t think of! So helpful!
But sometimes he comes up with a solution that throws out the baby with the bathwater from my perspective.
When that happens, I know he just doesn’t have enough information yet. So I keep going with expressing my desires, letting him know what I want that I forgot to mention before.
Since what we both want is for me to be happy, all we have to do is keep going.
When he finds a solution, I feel better and he feels all smart because he solved my problem. Win-win!
11. Listen for an Hour
Everyone needs to be heard and understood.
I love using the phrase “I hear you” to listen to people I care about so they know that their words and thoughts are important to me and that I trust they know what’s best for their lives.
Consider giving your husband the entire evening to talk while you just listen and say “I hear you.” Or if not the whole night, try to do it just for an hour.
You don’t have to announce it. Just give him the space, look him in the eye, and do your best listening.
It’s funny how much people have to say when they feel heard and safe.
Actions speak louder than words, and listening is a powerful way to say “You’re important.”
And feeling important? I hear it’s great for self-esteem.
53 replies on “My Husband Has Low Self Esteem”
Wow! This is the kick in the pants I need! My husband has taken over most of the daily house chores recently. We have a large age gap so he is retired and I started working from home again, most days I work 10 hrs so…
He Cooks 3 meals- not as nutritious as I would cook
He does the laundry- not a well and detailed as I used to do it. And he doesn’t fold the towels correctly
He does ALL the shopping and always asked what I need- he doesn’t keep track of cost and brands
The does the dishes- but doesn’t put them away as neatly…
I could go on, but he seems very content to do all of these things. He brings me bfast in bed most days, he buys me flowers once a week, he pours my wine before dinner…
Sounds like a dream right?! In my OCD mind I am obsessed that the house was not running the way I would run it!
I did not complain out right but I have started to feel my own insane frustration creeping out in other ways. I have become entitled to have things exactly as I want them and he is eager to oblige.
He is not weak he just wants to make me happy. Believe me he has actually hit his breaking point a few times. But over all, every time I make a passive comment I immediately felt sad bc I could feel that I was chipping away at his confidence. I was raised in a home with all women so naturally I was told that I am a strong willed female.
I can see my husband has become depressed, unsure of himself, he has not worked on the house bc he is full of doubt and I know I did that to him.
Thank you for this. I certainly can see why my husband has become so insecure.
You’re welcome, Steffy! I love your awareness. And I feel you! I like things done my way too. It was way easier to see all my husband was doing wrong than what he was doing right. Now it feels so good to have a confident, manly husband I’m full of gratitude for, and I want that for you too! I know I couldn’t do it alone. That’s why we have a whole community of like-minded women here to support you in being your best self and becoming a Ridiculously Happy Wife.
This may be my favorite blog of yours of all time, dear Laura. And that’s saying allot because I’ve printed off several of your other blogs to share with clients.
You are a gift to this world, Laura Doyle!
💜
Thank you for your kind words, Liz. I’m happy this resonates with you and helps you empower your clients even more!
I came here in tears not knowing what to do because my fiancés self esteem issue is ruining how I see him & our relationship. However I want nothing more than to be with him & I know he feels the same. I really needed this read. Thank you so much for sharing & caring.
TheGem, you’re welcome. I’m so glad you found hope here. I admire your commitment to your relationship. If you’re ready for more tools, I’d love to give you a free Roadmap of 6 simple steps that have helped thousands of women turn things around so you can fix your relationship too! https://lauradoyle.org/rm1o/
What if my husband
– really needs help on some things like for example a presentation for work…
– doesn’t offer help or doesn’t offer to do things for me…
– is a pessismist himself and always expects the worst out of all things…
– doesn’t ask what he can or should do…
– doesn’t even ask me what i want…
– doesn’t ask my opinion on things coz he’s just not that kind of a person…
– doesn’t even initiate sex and always waits for me to initiate..
– doesn’t know how to solve my problems because apparently he seems to me more immature than me… and also less experienced in life than me…
– doesn’t share his feelings because he is just not that kind of person who is self-aware of his own feelings… :/
Xanthous, this sounds so lonely. You shouldn’t have to go without so many things! Or be alone with them. That must be scary.
I still remember how alone I felt thinking my marriage was hopeless and being scared to try, which is why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women fix their relationships. We can help you too.
I would love to get you some coaching support so you can start feeling heard, supported and desired! Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here:
lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist
wow! thank you so much for this article!
I (31) was very successful and disciplined with some small student loan debt $9k and earning $200k+ /year. I had just a hair under $145k in savings when I met my girlfriend in March 2019. 6’0 180lbs working out 2x /week. Very low body fat.
When we moved into together things changed A LOT.
Everything I ate was wrong – so she started cooking meals, then stopped because “why can’t i take care of myself” she exclaimed.
My investments? Didn’t seem like a good idea to her.
My job? Thought I should get a job that requires some license
Our apartment? Not comfortable, wants a house
My just in time management? Not the right way to do things. I should be more prepared.
My desire to pursue something new? “even we lose everything just do it”
Well 2 years later, her expectations became our reality. I’m unemployed, out of shape, guant and hallow appearance. No desire to go outside. All savings depleted with $160k in debt, 2 payday loans at 600% interest.
I tried talking with her many times about it – but it was always my problem.
On the cusp of being homeless at the end of this month I asked the universe for help and it lead me to a google search, which lead me to this article. I am so grateful. This article validates what I’ve been trying to express for the last 2 years.
Those investments she didn’t think were a good idea? Now worth $1.4m
So ladies, trust your man or get out of his life and stay away.
My husband has extremely low confidence and self Esteem and hardly ever gets anything right. In your cocoa puff scenario mine is the man you tell on the phone, text the product name, send a photo yet he’d most definitely come back with the wrong product.
We’ve been married 14 years and I’m now at my wits end cos this lack of drive is becoming so unbearable and putting m. I under sooo much pressure financial as I have been bread winner since we married. I now don’t find him appealing and I’m constantly angry. I see some tips in this article here I will take as they address my weaknesses too. How else can I motivate man to rise up and make something good of himself
I try to talk to my husband to understand where he is mentally and to active his mind by having a conversation about our family, finances, future, and vacations. He NEVER wants to talk
I don’t like this post, while you’re encouraging him, whose encouraging you to follow your desires and dreams??
You encourage him and what do you get in return?
I hope this is not a one sided endeavour, where the woman just keep giving but gets nothing in return, yes the woman can be the catalyst but it takes two to tango!!
Question; My husband thinks that everything is his fault no matter what it may be and he always thinks I’m mad at him despite the fact that I tell him multiple times that I’m not. He won’t let me apologize either because he thinks I’m perfect and nothing I ever do is wrong it’s always his fault and to him I’m always mad at him. What do I do to make this better?
My husband has moved out & talked about loosing his self worth –
How do I do some of the suggested when he isn’t living in the home…
& being hopefully he will come back…
This advice is fantastic! I believe all of it, but I’m not sure about #1 with my husband. I tried not mothering him for at least a decade and it is clear that not only is day to day living harder for us when no one does his laundry until he needed clean underwear 3 days ago, but also he seems to feel unloved when I don’t do his laundry and lunch and coffee. Should I stick to my guns and not do things for him, hoping he decides to become self-reliant and that your other tips make me not doing his laundry seem irrelevant?
Hi, I am dealing with a terrible situation and its emotionally draining me. My boyfriend has extremely low self confidence. He rarely does things to make me happy or surprise me. Not even on my birthday! When i got into relationship with him, he was romantic, caring and proudly show me off to the world. But not right now! He has a hectic work schedule and he loves me truly. I try my best to help him.But when I lose my cool and argue. He cries. He blames himself. He says he’ll improve. But he doesn’t. Or may be very slowly. What do I do? I love him so much! Please help me!
Thank you for this. I’m 48, and married for 23 years this coming June. Last year I went through a rough spell of depression that I hadn’t experienced before. Alot of self-doubt had crept in over the years, and I had always thought it would just fade. However, it came to a head last year, and I found myself randomly crying and distracted without provocation. My wife eventually noticed something was wrong, and I finally spoke to her about it. I just spilled my guts about how I thought I had been such a shitty husband for so long, and that I really needed to make changes, and not focus on myself so much. She didn’t fully understand why I was being so hard on myself, but I told her how insecure I was feeling, and that I was really concerned I might lose her someday. BTW, she has rarely, if ever complained over the years, but she should have, and loudly. She grew up in a family that didn’t complain much, but let resentment build up inside until it burst, and I was worried I had been letting it build up for her for far too long. She understood, and admitted that it was just easiar for to take care of things than to beg me to be more involved. That cut like a knife, but boy oh boy, I needed to hear it.
My wife has been Wonder Woman for my kids, for me, her full-time job, her ailing mother. She is amazing, and I want more than anything to be her Super Man, and just let her relax, breath, and enjoy her life. What you describe in the 11 ways is right on target, especially number 2. When she lets me do things for her, I feel like the man I was meant to be , and less of the shitty husband I allowed myself to become. I got lazy, for too long.
My wife has noticed the changes over the past year, and she says it’s like having a second marriage with the first husband. I just wish I had caught on sooner to becoming the man I should have been for her all along.
Very good advise. The challenge I have is that my husband also suffers from anxiety and depression and it means that a lot of the time I feel the only option is to do lots in the house and do the lunch prep/cooking/bath running/house hold jobs to keep things moving. Also he feels everyone at his work, particularly his boss hate him so his self esteem is very low. I can see that allowing him to do more would be good but if I did that he would never eat lunch (or buy expensive out food) and the house would be a mess!
Any advise?
A relationship is a support system for your emotional growth, insecurities are hindrances to that launching pad.Distorted imaginations, overthinking made-up problems, are all by-products of an insecure mind, a mind of low esteem.A low self esteem often leads people into isolation from the rest of the world. Their anxiety and jealousy slowly makes them abandon your friends, and theirs too.
Hi Laura, I really like your post and will be trying some of your ideas! I wonder if you can comment about this: my husbands low self-esteem is coming from work. He has recently changed careers and it is like starting at the beginning after 18 years of climbing the ladder. He is very insecure about whether he is contributing and thinks that people in this new job don’t like him and are out to get him. His feeling stupid and not useful are killing me. Do you think my making changes at home can help? Should I stop asking about his day/making him talk about it?
I couldn’t figure out why my wonderful husband doesn’t feel good about himself, until I read this. I think I’m guilty of everything! I thought I was helping him. I’m going to try all of your tips, hopefully not too obvious. I just want him to be happy. Thank you for your message!
This article is absolutely amazing! I hope you can help. My sweetie is suffering some terribly low self-esteem, and it’s gotten worse since we started working together a few months ago. Both of us are fantastic at our jobs and are very proud of what the other has accomplished, and luckily, there is no jealousy there…but I find him constantly tugging at me and posturing when we are at the frequent work happy hours. I have asked him to let me be seen as a professional, but he can’t keep his hands off me around coworkers, and even says embarrassing things in earshot of them (like, “I can’t wait to get you home so we can have lots of sex!”) It’s pushing me away from him. I keep asking him to make friends at work (or really, anywhere else) but he isn’t interested. He’s like this when we’re out with friends–constantly kissing up and down my arms, hugging me over and over–and some of my friends (to my horror) have told me it makes THEM uncomfortable to watch! They’ve been asking if I need some girl dates to get some time away from him, but I tell them everything is fine…and frankly, I miss having girls-only time. He doesn’t engage in any hobbies or events that I don’t suggest or plan to do, myself. I am sad because I want him to be happy, but I want to prove myself at work and around friends and not push others away with his awkward behavior. Worse, it’s the biggest turn-off, and lately, he talks about sex so much, I want none of it! Help 🙁
Yikes, Andi, I can see why you’re feeling turned off and uncomfortable when he won’t respect your desire to be professional among your coworkers. I admire you for having the commitment to reach out for support.
I remember feeling uncomfortable when my husband refused to honor my desires and my limitations. But now that I have the 6 Intimacy Skills, he is eager to make me happy (including supporting me getting girls-only time)! I have the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted, which has empowered me to become successful outside my marriage too.
I’d love to give you the tools to become desired, cherished and adored (minus the awkward PDAs!). I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
Another great article, thank you! Now I want some Cocoa Puffs…
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my boyfriend for well over a year, and have moved in together. The issue between us is that he won’t do things for himself. I always have to do them. Same thing with the grocery store. I asked him to bring me some lettuce, and he brings me a cabbage. He also has a tendency to go through my phone while I’m sleeping, although there’s nothing bad to find? Help!
Mana, I’m hearing that it seems you can’t rely on your boyfriend to do anything for himself and that he’s suspicious and not respecting your privacy. That is frustrating and hurtful! I admire you for reaching out for support.
I remember how exhausting it was when I had to do everything myself. I could not trust my man to do anything right! There was an atmosphere of distrust. The 6 Intimacy Skills changed all that, and now he shows up as my hero who loves to help me and please me. When I ask for lettuce, he even brings home lettuce!
You can inspire your boyfriend to take more initiative and show you the trust and respect you deserve. I’ll show you how in my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I’ve been married for 14 years for the last 6-7 years my husband has been suffering from low self esteem and depression. It has been very difficult and all I want to do is be able to support him and help him. There are other factors that work into this also, my husband suffers from chronic pain and does take prescribed opiates for his pain and is now addicted to them.
2 months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He’s unhappy with himself and doesn’t love himself. He basically told me he wants me to find the man of my dreams and doesn’t want to keep dragging me down. I found the man of my dreams, I love my husband dearly. We have not filed for divorce, he has started counseling and we are separated.
I’m lost, I don’t know what to do. Until recently I never really could understand depression and low self esteem and I only understand it in a very basic way. I see what does to my husband. I have googled depression and low self esteem and have found some good information. I have bought my husband books and sent him articles/blogs that I have read that I thought might help him and he is receptive to them and will read.
I really want my marriage to work, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be happy. I feel like I failed him in not recognizing how severe his depression and self esteem was. I’m not sure what I can do to help him.
Ann, that sounds so hard to have dealt with your husband’s depression for so many years and now his addiction too. I’m sorry to hear he’s asking for divorce after all that you’ve already been through. I admire your steadfast commitment to your marriage.
Many women question whether they should even stay with an addict, but I have seen miracles again and again in such cases. One client was married to a falling-down drunk. She transformed her marriage by focusing on her own happiness, which inspired him to be his best self. He has not touched a drop in months.
You too can save your marriage and get back the man you married. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
What if your husband wants to move to another town far away. I was born here, we have a daughter who just started high school in town(after homeschooling for years) and is thriving!! Making new friends, she is so happy.
My husband is a depressed man who won’t take medication or see a therapist, he’d like to move and start over(he suddenly hates our church, people in general). He does have really difficult co-workers(but job options are slim in our town). Do I really say “whatever you think” ?!!!?
I hate change, I love our life. I don’t want to move. He suddenly has no confidence in this decision and thinks I don’t support him, he feels I am not onboard and being a team in this decision. He just wants to be happy and thinks moving will help.
Ruth, it sounds heart-wrenching that your husband thinks you don’t support him when you’re trying so hard to be respectful and relinquish control. I really admire your commitment to practicing the Intimacy Skills, even in a tough situation like this.
Fortunately, there are other Intimacy Skills that will help besides saying “whatever you think”! I remember how sad I felt when my husband and I were planning to move away from our first home. With the 6 Intimacy Skills, he was there for me, wanting to make me happy, and it felt so good to be on the same page.
You too can inspire your husband to want to please you and to become his best self. I’d love to empower you with the support of a coach. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how that would fit for you. The call alone will bring you clarity on your situation. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.
Thank you. Yes it’s very hard. I suppose the bottom line is…does a godly wife let her husband move the family. Does she simply have to let her voice be known, and then let him decide. Does she just go, and trust that it’s Gods will. Do I really have a choice in this matter? I know I need to change my attitude. Will he see it as a sign of respect if I move? Or do I put my foot down and say no I’m not moving.
You’re welcome, Ruth. I love that you want to be respectful and, at the same time, to honor your desires and your limitations. There are several Intimacy Skills to empower you in this situation. Here’s the link again for a free discovery call if you would like some support as you make this decision.
Oh this is so helpful… my husband recently lost all his self-esteem and is very closed. I try to make him tell me all his troubles but he keeps everything in… and with my low temper being pregnant and with a toddler at home, I sometimes can’t stop nagging him and then he just exploads! I will try those tips and hopefully he will believe more in himself…
Nat, that must be so hard for you to stand by and watch your husband losing his self-esteem and shutting down. I love your awareness and your willingness to try a different approach.
I’d love to empower you with even more tools to inspire him to be his most confident self and open up to you. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I have a question. What if you realize that you need the receipt for the coffee you ordered at the airport and you don’t have it, so you turn and ask your husband if he has it. And he instantly becomes so enraged that he throws out the food that he just ordered and tells you that asking him that makes him feel stupid? When you ask him how asking if he has the receipt makes him feel stupid, he responds that it was “the look on your face”? Since you could not see your own face at the time, you cannot, in all fairness, respond to that, but in all honesty, you KNOW in your heart that you were simply asking for the receipt and not being rude, snarky, mean, or ridiculous. Just asking for the receipt. And then he tells you that you are a man hater. And, by the way, you are in the airport because you are returning from your honeymoon 🙁
Ouch! Kristin, that sounds so hurtful and heartbreaking. I applaud your commitment to having the kind of marriage I’m sure you envisioned when you said “I do.” I remember feeling so bewildered when my honeymoon phase soured. I thought I was being such a good wife, so what happened to the man who had wooed me? The 6 Intimacy Skills brought him back and gave me the playful, passionate I’d always dreamed of. I want that for you too and know you can have the honeymoon phase you deserve! I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Laura, This may be a little off topic but it made me chuckle to see your Ryan Gosling reference. I thought of you through the. entire. movie. and wondered, “What would Laura be thinking?” 🙂 LOL Love, Diamond Shannon H p.s Thanks for another great blog! This one speaks right to me.
What do you do when your husband is so focused on everything else and the kids and barely looks at me? I have to talk to him to stop him in his tracks. Then I might get a word or two in response. He is not much of a conversationalist with me or anyone else. He works all day, 12 hours and doesn’t rest when he gets home. He is busy up to almost 11 p.m. and I have to be in bed by 10 p.m. Then he gets up before me to get his running miles in. A very lonely marriage.
Dawn, That does sound like a lonely marriage! I can see why you’re starving for some attention and conversation. You’re not the only one–I felt the same way. I know it may not seem like it right now, but this is completely solvable. You can have exciting, intimate conversations with your husband and inspire him to seek out your company. I bet no one ever taught you the 6 Intimacy Skills. I didn’t know them either and it was very painful. I invite you to attend my free webinar, How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life, which you can register for here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
What do you do when the husband had the more traditionally feminine traits in the relationship (nurturing, cleanliness, decorating sense, doesn’t read instructions) and the wife has more of the traditionally masculine traits (drive for monetary gain, organization, mechanical inclination, need for physicality) and you want to help his self esteem and to make him feel manly?
Tigress, You’re describing my relationship pre-Intimacy Skills! But secretly I wanted to feel taken care of and adored and cherished. Okay, not so secretly. Anyway, I was doing a lot to squash my husband’s masculinity but I had no idea that I was doing that. I thought it was just the way things were. Then my eyes were opened and now he seems very manly today and I feel a lot more feminine! There’s an old commercial that said, “If you want him to be more of a man, try being more of a woman.” That worked for me. There’s so much you can do to solve this situation. I explain it all in The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
What do you say or do when your in public and he stares at other women while you are in his presence and don’t show you even exist.
He has a porn issue and it makes me feel as though I’m not attractive to him.
Dawn, It’s very discouraging to try to compete with porn and every woman on the street! I can see why you’re feeling unhappy about that. I know for me I felt like I was competing with the TV for my husband’s attention–and losing. When I started practicing the Intimacy Skills though my husband was so much more attracted to me and I gained so much confidence it still feels like a miracle. I lay out the 6 Intimacy Skills step-by-step in my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife, and I would love to see you get your hands on them and experiment in your relationship. You can read a free chapter of it here:
http://getcherished.com
I loved this article, even though I can’t stand cocoa puffs (LOL!) Very well written, one to print out and reread often.
Hi Laura, I have a man that loves to talk. Hours at a time. I try to listen my best, but it prevents me from getting anything done. How do I help the situation?
Mariasu, That does sound tiring! I can see how you would feel stressed from that. One idea I have is to experiment with consciously devoting an hour in the evening to listening to him if that fits for you. Just tell yourself that’s what you’re doing for that hour–just listening to your man for the sake of intimacy, to know what’s on his mind. Sometimes bearing witness for a concentrated period like that can diminish the neediness from the other person overall. Instead of feeling like he’s constantly pulling at your sleeve, and feeling guilty you would also know you have given him the gift of feeling heard.
These are really things I have learned in the past and boy do I need to be refreshed. Like all the time . I love your examples.
And what do you do when he comes home with the wrong item or forgets completely? My husband would be 12 miles away which is in town and would call and say “I’m going to the market do you want anything?” I’d answer, yes thank you! And I would tell him. When he got home I would look inside the bag and it wouldn’t be there. He forgot it. (Then What)
Charisse, That sounds irritating for sure! The same thing has happened here–but the store is a lot closer! The more I focused on what he didn’t get, the more that seemed glaring and unacceptable. Once I started focusing on what he did bring and having gratitude for that, something shifted in me and I started to see a lot of things right about my husband. He responded to me better and exceeds my dreams for being considerate and thoughtful. I had the key! I can see that your husband wants to make you happy too, or he wouldn’t have called. Sounds like you have a good guy!
Great Advice! I’ve always been the “strong” one! Now I see why he may be feeling inadequate!
I’m giving it a try!
Thanks!
I pretty much do all of those except listen. My husband isn’t a talker, but I sure am. It’s something I need to work on, in general, not just with my husband. BTW, I’ve been married 32 years.
Joanna, Congratulations on 32 years of marriage! I admire that.
Love your advice ????? easy sensible steps. Thank you ?