Living with an Addict
Living with an addict is so scary. Here you’ve tied yourself to your husband for better or worse, and he’s gotten much worse.
You question whether you should be trusting him with things that will impact your life when he’s always under the influence of his addiction.
Addicts have a terrible reputation for making bad decisions, which can make you understandably anxious and even vigilant. It’s exhausting.
What power do you even have? If he can’t stop being an addict, even though you’ve asked him to, told him to, and given him ultimatums, then what’s left?
Since this blog is for empowered wives, let’s talk about the immense power you have in your marriage, even if you’re living with an addict.
Contents
1. The Foolproof Marriage Test
First, I’m going to tell you a secret about how I can tell what the inside of a marriage is very quickly.
You ready? Here’s how.
It’s by the way a wife speaks about her husband.
A wife might tell me her husband is ambitious and hardworking, or she says he’s a workaholic who’s never home. She might say he’s very involved as a father or too harsh with the kids.
That tips me off as to whether she is respectful. Whether she sees the best in her husband or the worst. And from that, I know a little bit about how it’s going at their house, by the level of respect in her words.
She’s the publicist for her husband, and I’m finding out about him through her, so I hear what she’s focused on when she speaks about him.
She’s telling me the way things are through her perspectacles.
2. What You Focus on Increases
I used to tell anyone who would listen that John was a Loser McLoosey Pants. That seemed like the truth to me, but it was actually just my focus. When I changed my focus, I had a totally different experience.
By opening my eyes a little wider and changing my mantra from “My husband is a loser” to “My husband is a great provider” and finding evidence for that instead, that’s what I experienced.
Now my husband is so successful. Now he’s Mr. Moneybags.
Did you catch what I did to become empowered?
I changed what I was focused on. That’s where my empowerment came from. I started focusing on the great qualities I saw in him when I chose him, which are still things I enjoy about him to this day. I started finding evidence for the things I wanted to experience, and that changed my reality.
3. What’s Your Story?
So if the headline story at your house is that you’re living with an addict, you might think that’s what you need to focus on to stay safe and protect yourself and your kids.
But there’s more to the story.
If your mantra is “I’m living with an addict,” one question I have for you is, who else are you living with?
Are you also living with a hard worker and a good provider? Are you living with a good dad? Are you living with a comedian? Are you living with your hero? Are you living with the romantic lead of your love story? Is he loyal and devoted? Sweet or successful? Would he do anything for his family?
What you focus on increases, in my experience. I’m always impressed and inspired when I hear women come to our campus and share how, when they decided to change their focus, they had a whole new experience of the man they lived with. A much more enjoyable experience.
If they can fix their marriages while living with an addict, then why not you too?
That’s what we’re all doing here: putting an end to the suffering in our marriages by changing the things we can, like what we focus on.
What focus will you choose today? I’d love to hear in the comments.
6 replies on “Living with an Addict”
This article is insulting to people that are dealing with real and dangerous issues that stem from addiction. It is one of the things that upsets me most about this program. How the advice to just gloss over the addiction and focus on the positive, is pushed like it will just fix everything. What about when when your husband is high and it is not safe for him to be around the kids? What about when the finances are continually being drained due to the addiction? What about the times he makes promises and breaks them because he’s in his addiction? There are also very difficult day-to-day decisions that have to be made when living with an addict. Saying he is a great dad will not make it safe for the kids to be in the car with him when he’s using. Saying he’s a good provider won’t magically put food on the table after he’s spent money on drugs. I really feel like you are gaslighting women who are struggling with real and immediate problems caused by addiction.
The advice here is great for building resilience, perspective, and mindset but fails miserably to help someone who has to live with the daily consequences of addiction.
Autum, I totally hear you. I used to think that addiction was one of those things that could not be “fixed.” I even told women they should leave if they found themselves in such a situation. I’m embarrassed about that today, as I share in my apology. That’s because I’ve since gotten schooled by many very brave women who brought the Skills even to such scary situations and turned things around, seemingly miraculously.
The examples you share are scary. It would take tremendous courage to experiment with the Skills in such circumstances. I see you as one of the incredibly courageous women committed to creating safety for your family. Kudos to you for choosing your faith over your fear and, in spite of these reservations, joining us in the Ridiculously Happy Wife.
I can’t wait to hear the results.
I began using some of the respectful comments and my husband instantly responded with gratefulnesses & loving responses.
Our pastor suggested [a book], of course. I like him not knowing what I’m doing. I agree talking together with our pastor not so great an idea. However, I have avoided saying anything negative but instead talk about my husband’s qualities. Also confess my part. Then my husband follows my pattern. It’s pretty magical! God is good!
Debbie, kudos to you for experimenting with these Intimacy Skills–and getting instant results! It’s amazing that you have magical powers!
Would love to hear how u did it
Coleen, I love your question! You think like a coach. Relationship Coach Training is one sure pathway many women dealing with addiction in their relationships have taken to fix their relationships, to the point that addiction even becomes a non-issue! We’d love to hear more about your vision and look forward to exploring the breakthrough you want. If you need any support, my team can help you at laura@lauradoyle.org.