My Husband Is Nicer to Other Women
One of the worst feelings is when you’re not getting much of your husband’s time to begin with then you hear his voice get all warm and happy when he’s talking to the neighbor or on the phone with a co-worker or even the bank teller.
It’s hard not to take it personally.
Or if he’s always texting a “friend” who’s a woman and doing nice things for her, it’s downright scary.
Shouldn’t he be treating you, his own wife, at least as sweetly as he’s treating her? Shouldn’t he fix the cabinet at your house instead of dropping everything to go unclog her sink at her house?
How do you tell him that he’s being inappropriate and have him really hear you and stop embarrassing you?
Especially if you’ve already tried to tell him yet he still acts like it’s no big deal even though it’s hurting you. You don’t deserve that.
But how do you get him to give you what you deserve?
Here are three ways to respond when your husband is being nicer to another woman and you want him to stop that and be nicer to you.
Contents
1. Stop Giving Her Oxygen
Of course you wish he’d just stop paying any attention to her because that’s taking away from time he could be spending with you.
But what if YOU stopped giving her airtime first?
What if you stopped thinking about her, talking about her, checking to see what he texted her and all other forms of shopping for pain?
Knowing the ins and outs of his conversations with her and whether they’ve gone over the line may feel like it’s keeping you safe.
But what if your focus on the woman he’s being nicer to is making her presence in your lives bigger, not smaller?
What if you focused only on other things, things you enjoy, and gave her no oxygen?
That can be challenging, I know. But here’s something you can do instead of fretting and focusing on her.
2. List 22 Things
Consider making a list of all the ways your husband makes your life better.
Think of the things he does every day, things he’s done for years, that lighten your load, contribute to your kids’ lives, improve your home or make you laugh.
Then I invite you to say three of them directly to him today.
It could be very simple things. He made coffee or dinner. He works hard to support the family. He told a dad joke and made everybody groan. He locks the doors before bed. He got the wifi working again. He took out the trash. He put the trash on the curb on trash day.
When you get to 22, you’ll have a week’s worth of gratitude and one bonus gratitude you can express to him too.
But why do that?! Why be so nice to him when he’s being nice to some other woman? Isn’t that just rewarding his bad behavior?
It’s not him I’m thinking about. I’m suggesting you focus on what you’re enjoying about your husband instead of what you don’t like because what you focus on increases. If you continue to focus on what you don’t like, that will continue to be your experience, in my experience.
But if you focus on how wonderful he is and how much he does for your happiness, you’re going to experience more of that, in my experience.
When you’re expressing your gratitude, you’ll already be halfway to suggestion #3, which is to…
3. Be Pleasable
If your husband is being nicer to someone else than he is to you, it might seem like you should punish him to show him that’s not okay.
But then you’d be giving yourself a permanent scowly face, which means you’re going to look like that grouchy teacher nobody liked at school, which means you’re also going to feel pretty miserable.
You can’t wear that disapproving face and feel good at the same time, as you already know.
You’d also be discouraging your husband from being nice to you because you’d be signaling that he can’t please you. So why should he try?
If your most wanted outcome is to have him be nicer to you than her, then you’ll want to reinforce that you’re pleasable.
You can do that by smiling when you see him.
And it’s true, he may be surprised. If you’ve been crying or scowling or raging at him a lot, he may wonder if you’ve been hit in the head recently.
Why the sudden smile?
If he asks, you can just tell him that it feels good to smile and you just like to feel good.
Or you can tell him you made a list of things you’re grateful for and it made you smile.
Or you could admit that you’re happy to see him.
And if all three of those suggestions sound like the opposite of what you should do when he’s being nicer to another woman, I get it. It’s not how I was trained early on either.
And I didn’t decide to start focusing on how *I* was showing up instead of what *he* was doing wrong until things got really bad.
But once I found the switch and flipped it, I not only learned how to be nicer to myself I also attracted back all the niceness I had been missing from my husband.
If you’ve already tried the conventional approach, like trying to punish your husband for being nice to another woman, then what do you have to lose?
Consider experimenting with bringing the grateful, smiling, nice you back to the relationship.
I can’t wait to hear how your experiment serves you…
17 replies on “My Husband Is Nicer to Other Women”
Wow!!! Jusy what I needed to hear at THIS VERY moment! Thanks for the reminder!!! I can’t wait to share Gr8 news G-d Willing VERY soon!!!
My husband is nicer to everyone (male and female) except. He is abused to me. He yells and call me names. Neglect me . I can’t talk him. Should I handle him the way you suggested? I am lonely.
Lynn, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. No one deserves to be treated that way. It sounds incredibly lonely and painful. As the expert on your own life, only you know the answer. Kudos for reaching out for support here, which tells me you want to fix your marriage. If you’re ready for a different outcome, are you ready to try a different approach?
I have done everything and he still nicer to his friend that is a female. He even has said when I gave him a choice out of his friends or me. He said his friends without a pause. He said his friends would always be there but a wife could leave anytime even though we have been together almost 25 years in April. What do I do? Or is she more than a friend and I’m a fool.
Stephanie, ouch! You should not have to hear that from your man, especially after nearly 25 years together! That’s not right. It’s scary to wonder whether you’re being a fool. I remember. That’s why my coaches and I have helped so many women turn things around, even when he was favoring another woman. We can help you too! Get a coach so you can stop feeling hurt and scared, and start feeling desired and confident in your marriage!
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
What if smiling, happy, sweet me never left and it’s happening?
Shevon, it sounds like something is going missing for sure. You shouldn’t have to deal with him being nicer to other women, especially when you’re being happy and sweet. That is so painful and scary!
I remember feeling stuck too and it was lousy. That’s why my coaches and I have helped over 15,000 women fix their relationships. We can help you too.
Get a coach so you can stop feeling like you’re missing something and start being adored yourself! Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here:
lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist
I really enjoy receiving these tips in my email! I’m looking forward to changing myself and having an incredible marriage!
Thank you Laura !!
Like Mary, this is exactly what I need to hear.
And it makes a lot of sense. Men love to be appreciated. And if we aren’t showing them that they look elsewhere.
I just wish the men had a Laura to tell them to give their wives more reasons to appreciate them.
It is frustrating at times that we (women) have to bite our tongue, breathe and smile. Another wards do all the work to make it work
You’re welcome, Lissa! I love your commitment to showing appreciation. But your man not giving you as much cause for appreciation as you’d like is so disappointing. It sounds like something is going missing for sure. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re the one having to do all the work. That is incredibly frustrating! And exhausting to have all that weight on your shoulders. That does not sound empowering.
I love your vision of him giving you more to appreciate. I want that for you too! And for him to take initiative so you can relax. I’d love to get you the support to have all you want in your relationship. I invite you to get some coaching so you can start feeling supported and adored, without being the one having to do all the work! You can join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here:
lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist
Even when things are really good with us, my husband is still engaging with another woman. Therefore, I feel like why be nice? Why have sex? Nothing makes him stop. It almost seems like the nicer I am the MORE he’s engaging with someone else. So it seems to me that divorce is the only option. Response or help with this?
Seeing your husband engage with another woman, no matter how good things are between you, is heart-wrenching. Being stuck with that or divorcing as the only two options sounds really painful. And so frustrating! I get why you’d question even being nice. I still remember when being stuck in a seemingly hopeless marriage and divorce seemed like my only options. But I didn’t want a divorce! Thank goodness there is a third option. That’s why my coaches and I have helped so many women fix their marriages, even when there was another woman.
We can help you too. It sounds like something is missing and I’d love to get you the support to uncover what so you can have the faithful man you deserve. Get a coach so you can stop feeling stuck and hopeless, and start feeling desired, taken care of and special!
https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/
These articles are great reinforcements for what I’ve learned in your book, Laura. When I finished reading about the 22 Things, I immediately stopped and made my list before moving onto the next part. I enjoy the immediate application and improvement your guidance allows for.
In a similar situation to DoneDone but have been together 38 years, married 23 and have been thinking hard and so far I’m only at 16 things on the list.
I’m sad to hear you’re so tired after 38 years together. That’s not right. Yet here you are making a gratitude list–I admire your commitment to your marriage! I remember feeling hard pressed to come up with that many gratitudes myself, which is why my coaches and I have helped so many women inspire their husbands to pile on causes for gratitude. I would love to get you some support to empower you to turn this around and have the relationship you deserve.
Could you help me understand what to do when it’s a specific woman, who is in the same friend group, and it absolutely devastates me to be in the same area with her and my husband?
Oh Kellie, that is devastating. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such heartbreak. I remember how lost I felt when I didn’t know what to do about the pain in my marriage. That’s why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women turn things around.
I would love to support you too. Here’s a free Roadmap of 6 simple steps so you can have the marriage you deserve:
http://lauradoyle.org/rm1o