My Kids Don’t Respect Me
Let’s talk about what to do when your kids don’t respect you. Which, first of all, I don’t know anything about.
I’m not sure how this topic got approved for the blog because I don’t even have kids to disrespect me!
This could be a really short post because my imaginary kids that I don’t have already respect me so much.
Except when I want them to do something in a hurry and I yell at them. Or when I force them to get dressed when they don’t want to get dressed, or drop them off at gymnastics camp when they don’t want to go to gymnastics camp, but I make them go in crying every day for a week because I already paid for it and I have work to do!
Okay, those weren’t my kids. Those were my sister’s kids that I was watching one summer.
I’m lucky my niece still talks to me after that gymnastics camp incident.
So I know what it’s like to be disrespected by exceedingly short people and it is soooo frustrating because, first of all, some people are so small I can just pick them up and drop them on the bed while they giggle relentlessly like bedtime is some big game instead of the end of my childcare shift that can’t come fast enough.
Often these kids are NOT able to pick me up and take me anywhere at all. They are weaklings. In many cases, and I won’t name names here, these kids can’t even tie their own shoes. So clearly I am in charge of them—the boss—and everyone knows you have to respect your boss.
Everyone but kids, that is.
Those slippery kids just do their own thing, way past bedtime. It’s like they don’t even know how to tell time.
But food has to be consumed, bodies have to be washed, pajamas have to get on, teeth have to get brushed, stories have to be read and lights have to be turned off. And kids don’t seem to respect my authority about these things.
Nagging, begging, pleading, or even bribing them do not work very well. I did have limited success with using Raisinette candies to get my niece out of the pool, but I’m not especially proud of that.
I couldn’t make them obedient, which can be very stressful.
I wish I’d had these three unconventional ways to get cooperation AND connection with kids long ago.
Contents
1. Consider a Vulnerable Approach
Trying to get my nieces to be obedient reminds me of a similar experience: I also wanted my husband to follow my orders and do things my way. When he didn’t, I got stressed and frustrated, and I’m not proud to say I yelled at him to assert my authority as the boss…
Which was ridiculous because he’s a full-grown man, actually bigger than me, who can both tie his shoes and tell time.
I complained he didn’t respect me, but now I can see that I just wanted him to obey me and just go along with how I say things should be.
Just do as I say. That’s what I really wanted.
With my do-as-I-say definition of respect, I should have just married myself.
It’s different with kids, of course. You’re responsible for your kids. But like my husband, kids are also sovereign individuals with their own thoughts and desires. That’s part of their charm and wonder.
No wonder it’s not always easy to get them to be compliant either. Even though everyone who’s ever been responsible for a child has wished for compliance at times, there’s something that I want even more when it comes to the kids I know and have cared for…
Connection. Intimacy. Closeness. Emotional safety.
Feeling like a family.
Being on the same team in the quest to get groceries, pick a movie, pack for the beach or clear the table.
That requires cooperation, but not obedience. When I approach looking for cooperation instead of making demands, I use a different tone, expression and words. I’m vulnerable about needing help.
Words like, “Go get your sandals right now!” never got me as far as words like, “I would love help remembering to bring sunscreen to the beach.”
2. Ask Yourself What You’re Afraid of?
It’s interesting that the experience I had with kids resisting my authority is so similar to my husband resisting my authority, which I now know was because I was so controlling.
If I’m asking if he paid the taxes, like I just did recently, it’s because I’m afraid he didn’t. Respect would be expecting the best from him as someone who manages our finances beautifully.
But how do you trust children? And how would that make them more respectful anyway?
That brings me to #3.
3. Use a Child-Fulfilling Prophecy
Imagine if your mom apologized to you for being disrespectful, how great that would feel. I’m always moved when I hear students describe how they apologized to their child for being disrespectful. Who does that?
If you’ve never done that, it’s not that easy to do at first. At least not with a niece or nephew anyway. (It was easy with the children I don’t have.)
One of our coaches talked about how, before she learned the 6 Intimacy Skills™, she was mostly mirroring back to her children that they were so cute.
Cute, but also so messy!
Once she learned Intimacy Skills, she decided to use a Child-Fulfilling Prophecy, a variation of a gratitude skill called the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy.
She decided to look for evidence that her children were tidy even though that’s not what kids are known for, right?
But she found some evidence, an important part of practicing this skill. Her evidence was that her daughter put away her shoes in the closet where they belonged.
So mom said, “Look how you put your shoes in the closet! I’m so happy that I have such tidy children. Thank you for straightening up.”
Granted, she was looking past the toys strewn everywhere and the unmade bed to focus on the experience she wanted to have instead of the one she didn’t want to have.
Her children just beamed when they heard how tidy they were.
They started looking for what they could do to embody her statement that she has tidy children, which was a first. You can imagine how exciting that is to have your kids be inspired to be tidy because they see how happy it makes mama.
I think of respect as expecting the best of someone, not the worst. In this case, those kids saw their mom expecting the best from them.
That shifted the culture at their house. The children were excited to be thought well of and trusted to do something that made their mom happy. It’s a big part of their growing up, knowing how they can contribute and be successful.
Those two moms sure felt good about how they were showing up with so much dignity, and they loved how the kids responded to them when they experimented with the 6 Intimacy Skills.
How could you experiment with the Intimacy Skills with your kids? I’d love to hear in the comments.
2 replies on “My Kids Don’t Respect Me”
I really appreciated your candid tone—it made me reflect on how often I confuse control with respect when parenting gets tough. It’s comforting to hear these situations are so relatable, even secondhand!
Thank you, Laura! I needed to hear this💛