Laura Doyle Relationship Coach
How I Felt Butterflies Again
My husband cared. He was committed.
When we were dating, I packed my bags several times, ready to walk away. But he would always make things better–truly wanting me to stay. That, and his confidence that we could work things out, felt so good.
I’d walked away from other relationships, putting on my steel armor when what I really wanted was for the man to say “Don’t go!” Even though I was the one leaving, it hurt so badly that they wouldn’t fight for me.
But he did. Time and time again.
He was very clear: I want you! And he never swayed. For him, it was truly for better or worse. When I hear Laura say that every man wants his wife to be happy, I hear my husband’s words so clearly: “It’s important to me that you are happy.”
And he meant it. He even moved to another country so I would be happy. That’s the kind of guy he is. I felt so loved.
Then our son was born. My life changed. A lot. I wasn’t prepared for the all-consuming (and isolating) job of being a mom.
I had always loved my solitude and spent lots of time reading, contemplating, being immersed in my latest project, whether self-improvement, a business, fitness, etc.
Suddenly, my alone time came to a screeching halt. Sleep deprivation was stretching my physical limits to the max. I felt all alone.
That was a recurring source of pain. Instead of this being the happiest time of our lives, I felt so much disappointment and resentment carrying the load alone. And I hated that my husband was right: He was financially supporting us all, and if he didn’t get his sleep, his work would suffer, which would be devastating for all of us. I, on the other hand, could get help.
But I didn’t. For all the wrong reasons. I had very definite ideas on how things should be done.
Even though things naturally got better as our son grew older, it left a crack in the foundation. On the surface, things were fine. But underneath lurked resentment that my needs weren’t as important as my husband’s.
So we lived like kind roommates. With happy moments and good times. But I was all too aware of that crack underneath, which kept me stuck in resentment.
Neither of us was going anywhere. There was no deep hurt but a low-grade loneliness as we spent little time together and physical intimacy was rare.
Occasionally, I would bring up the lack of intimacy and complain or cry or demand that things needed to change, that I wanted more. And things would get better for a while–my husband really did want me to be happy. But that change never lasted.
Then, one day, after an unusually honest conversation, he shared how he didn’t feel loved and that if he died I’d be ok.
That was so sad and painful to hear. My world was shaken that day. I had always thought that being independent, strong, and never needy was what men wanted.
It was then that I came across Laura Doyle. And I’m so glad I did. I cried tears of recognition of my criticizing, controlling, poor receiving, and not appreciating. I realized I simply didn’t have the right knowledge.
I became so mad at all the sensible-sounding relationship advice I’d been following: Never go to bed angry. Tell him how you feel. Discuss your problems. That conventional advice was like a drug that worked well short term but had long-term negative side effects hard to associate with it. If I’d known the long-term damage from that kind of advice, I would have stopped long ago.
The Intimacy Skill that worked wonders for me was gratitude. My husband never criticized me but would occasionally bring up that he didn’t feel appreciated. Laura talks about six barriers to giving gratitude, and every single one applied to me, such as fear that he would stop doing something if I thanked him for it or resentment that I work hard, too.
I also read somewhere that a man not feeling appreciated is like a woman not feeling loved. Wow! If it was that important, nothing would hold me back.
So I piled on the gratitude and showered him with appreciation. Within days, our relationship felt revitalized. Basking in gratitude had a two-pronged effect: He felt appreciated and loved, and I turned my focus to what I do have in him. It made me remember why I fell in love with him.
For the first time in years, I felt butterflies again.
The best thing about the 6 Intimacy Skills™: You don’t have to drag your husband to counseling or make him read a book or ask him to do anything–they work single-handedly! My husband had no clue what I was doing. But he noticed the effects. He’d say, “Things are really good” or “We haven’t had a fight in a while.”
And I just silently smiled…
The first time he reached over to hold my hand in the car, I almost cried. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed that loving touch. And when he walked by in the kitchen and patted my butt, I knew things had really turned around.
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery call.