3 Things Wives Get Wrong about Husbands
Imagine if your husband did and said everything you needed to be happy in your marriage, as though he were trying to win the husband-of-the-year award.
What kinds of things would he do differently?
Maybe he’d redouble his efforts to clean up and maintain the house or show up more for the kids. Maybe he’d be more affectionate, seeking your company whenever he got the chance.
You’d feel more taken care of, special and desired.
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Your husband actually does want to do all those things for you. All men want to succeed–especially with their wives.
So what’s stopping him?
It could be, and often is, that he’s misunderstood. He’s conveying one heart message, but you’re hearing something else.
Here are 3 things wives get wrong about their husbands. Click To Tweet
Contents
1. Seeing Him as Lazy
Let’s say you walk in after work with groceries and there are dishes in the sink, no sign of dinner being started and wet laundry that needs to go in the dryer…and your husband is already relaxing on the couch.
You might see him as lazy or lacking initiative. You might think he’s downright selfish for not seeing what needs to be done and doing it.
But is he truly a slacker, or does he simply need to know how to be successful at being your hero?
Is he just resting so that when he finds out what you want he can jump up to do it?
True, he didn’t look around and see what needed to be done without you having to say something, which would definitely have been great. But that doesn’t mean he’s unwilling to help.
It could be, and often is, that he needs to know how to make you happy in that moment.
Now is your chance to express your desires in a way that inspires. That means you need to know what you want.
What is it you would love? To relax on the couch yourself? To go out to dinner? An empty dishwasher? A glass of wine? All of the above?
If you roll your eyes at him or otherwise indicate that you think he’s a complete waste of space, you won’t get a good response.
But if he thinks he truly has a chance to please you, watch out! You might be amazed to what lengths he’ll go when he knows exactly how to make you happy.
2. Thinking He Doesn’t Want to Do Things Because He’s Complaining
Maybe he offers to start dinner, but in the same breath he complains about how he has worked so hard already and is tired because all weekend he was doing yard work and working overtime, plus he did all that paperwork for the mortgage or the insurance.
Like he’s the only person who might be tired! He sounds like a whiny baby.
You might think he’s just trying to shirk his responsibilities and dump them all on you. Maybe it’s easier just to do things yourself than listen to him complain!
But what if his complaints were less about his unwillingness to pitch in and were actually an awkward plea for acknowledgment?
In other words, he’s listing and relisting the things he did because he wants to know that you saw and appreciated his contributions.
Sure, he’s going about it the wrong way, no question. You have to have a generous ear to hear his heart message that he wants to be appreciated in this situation.
But what if you could clear up this whole misunderstanding by simply saying, “You do so much around here! Thanks for working so hard to support our family and for all that you do around the house too. It makes me so happy.”
Not only do husbands stop complaining about what they did when you appreciate them, they seem to walk taller and prouder when they know that they made their wife happy.
3. Believing He Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with You
Sometimes you feel like you’re barely getting to talk to each other all week because of crazy carpool and work schedules. Then, when you think you’re finally going to be able to see him, your husband says he’s going to visit his mom or help a friend move.
You feel like the last person on his list. He has time for everyone and everything else in the world but no time for you.
And it hurts!
So you let him know how disappointed you are that he’s not spending time with you, which makes it very clear he is not going to win that husband-of-the-year award. Again.
That makes him feel like a bad husband, which makes him want to run far, far away to avoid feeling like a failure in your eyes.
In other words, he’ll be spending even less time with you.
Granted, that’s not the most mature response, but it is human and your husband is a mere mortal man.
Here’s the misunderstanding: Your husband visits his mom and helps his friend move because he’s one of the good guys. He’s generous and hardworking and likes to feel needed, especially by people who appreciate his company and his help.
Instead of expressing disappointment in him for neglecting you, consider sharing how excited you are to finally get some time alone with him.
Isn’t it true that you are looking forward to couple time?
Imagine if he knew how happy you’re going to be when he comes home. Don’t you think he would get home a little sooner?
Of course he would.
A man loves being around a wife who can hear his heart message.
Have you suffered from any of these common misunderstandings? Post below in the comments section which of these alternatives you’ll try this week.
23 replies on “3 Things Wives Get Wrong about Husbands”
I will appreciate him more for his efforts instead of seeing it as a way of him complaining out of helping out
What would I do without you Laura to get me out of the loop in my head where I take everything personally? Thanks for your phrase “heart message”
I agree. Just last night I did you don’t put me on your priority list text. Oh gosh. Thanks Laura
I loom forward to learning about this.
Excellent post???????? Well said
Going to tell him how I am looking forward to his return after errands he enjoys doing alone. Love trying out your advice! Seems to be working quite well…he even recently moved to a closer job, even though he liked his previous one, for a shorter commute. He said, “spending more time with us is his new priority!” Ladies practice what Laura preaches!
I will be stating my desires clearly to him and thanking him for what he has already done so he knows I appreciate the efforts he had already made.
Ill ask for help and tell him how excited I am to spend time.
Slowly, Oh so slowly my Husband is waking up to the fact that he is a deeply selfish person who the endangers the wellbeing of his family. He is still unable to see the damage he did and he does not own it.
I need to see, feel and hear way more before I will begin to let my guard down again though. I focus on my wellbeing, getting in touch with my body heart and soul on what I need right now. I am worth so much more then what I was given – as I have given myself.
One day, when I am healthy and well again I might try to be the perfect Wife again – for now I focus on caring for the children, myself and only then on my Marriage.
Your words are so cold and hollow, men are not the better people you make them out to be – and the status Husband does NOT mean that they are to be spoiled like pashas. I am convinced that many men are just too happy to have their wives read here – they can be assured that those women take on all the blame and responsibility caring them from ever having to make their marriage work.
You are mistaking one thing. No..all men are not like this. You can’t blame the entire male population for the actions of one. I am sorry for what ever has caused you so much pain. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to put your marriage back on the priority list.
I think it’s sad that a woman would have to go all this just to get any type of decent treatment from her husband. If he’s truly “one of the Good Guys and loves to be needed…He should clearly recognize that is Wife need hm and that her needs come first!… I dea with the exactly what was mentioned in your examples and I just think we are too far the point of NO RETURN for anything I say or do to make a difference.
I think the husband examples are of really immature men. The wife in relationship examples are really raising men who act like selfish children and these wives are doing so without acting like “mothers.” They’re darn heroes and “long suffering.”
But we women are not perfect. We knew what we were getting into.
I find the man stuck in teenage mode very unattractive, if not repulsive at times.
The opportunity to truly grow into a healthy woman, while honoring marriage vows is what Laura Doyle’s technology helps a woman to do. To face her life. To take responsibility for the choices she’s made. To grow up herself and rather than live in a victim role, actually take responsibility for her Joyfulness and behavioral health!
No matter whether a person is married or single a person does eventually learn to love others and self really well. Laura Doyle teaches women to work with what they’ve chosen and to help the family remain or become a stable place for people to thrive.
What I find in myself is a resistance to that responsibility.
I’ve been a spoiled brat at times. I’ve bern a martyr, and acted childishly.
Clearly Laura Doyle gently and wisely guides women into being their best selves and teaches us how to do that through wholesome self love.
Some of us women need to get off the pity pot and put on our big girl skirts or pants, LOL, and be thankful that there is a gentle way to do this.
So far everything I’ve heard is outstanding and gives women hope to restore their marriage.
Yes we grow. Our husbands often stay stuck so to say. They might grow more slowly in some cases. And it hurts. So we learn to love through some pain.
Some of us have a spirituality that would definitely support Laura Doyle’s methods of taking responsibility for self, for accepting rather than changing ones spouse, to depend on one’s faith to assist. And remember, wives can request and negotiate terms within the marriage which the husband might find reasonable. Such as we are married so we won’t act single. We put the marriage first to protect our bond. Try doing things for the children and marriage that strengthens those bonds and makes parents conscious of how important they are—acknowledge it out loud!
Laura Doyle is very gentle, but don’t make any mistake. She has wisdom, strength, and truth you can’t deny! There no easier softer way ladies. This is it. Trust her process if you want to be your best self. Solid principles presented in her methods.
I realize how mistaken I was in my thoughts about my husband’s intentions. He tried so hard to please me and I was happy only briefly, then started nagging the next day about something else. I used to count hours when he is out in the weekend or something, ruminating on the thought that he didn’t want to spend time with me. I was just inventing negative stories in my head, and they were coming true without him wanting it… Thank you Laura, for being there for us and opening our eyes to the “good” truth and not the negative one we mistakenly make in our minds.
My husband and I are separated and he has recently started seeing another woman and told me he’s 100% positive that we’re done and he’s filing for divorce. I read The Surrendered Wife years ago when we were going through some problems and it was amazing but somehow i just let it slip and started taking him for granted again. So now I’m looking into all these posts and realizing once again that it WAS me who didn’t make my husband feel like a good man. I pray that i can show him how much i love him and need him before it’s too late. I know I can make him happy. I just need the chance to show him the woman he and i both forgot. Me!
Men are sensitive in a different way to us women so Laura is just teaching us how to speak a man’s language. Makes so much sense -if we want to be successful with our kids we speak kids language, if we want to be successful at work we speak our professional language, so doesn’t it make sense that if we want to be successful in our marriage we speak marriage language? Men need respect very badly and that doesn’t make them into egotistical people just the same as we ladies need love and to be cherished very badly and that doesn’t make us into soft weaklings. It’s the way we were created and it’s our most fundamental needs. And just because we may have managed with our female friendships all the years that doesn’t mean we’re seasoned wife material because our husbands need different things to what our female friends need. Nowhere does Laura teach that we should serve our husband and he should have an easy life, all we’re learning is how to BEHAVE RESPECTFULLY and with love and compassion towards our man. What’s wrong with that? Shouldn’t we be behaving respectfully towards everyone? and according to their language? Did you know that if you behaved like the ultimate British gentleman on a visit to China you would actually be behaving in the most insulting and rude fashion according to their culture? Wouldn’t you agree it’s only normal to learn their ways of behavior so you could behave respectfully if you traveled there? Well same when you marry someone of the opposite gender!
Laura, your book has helped me immensely – it’s been a couple of months but my husband really does see that I am different for real this time. Although before I tried my hardest in so many different ways I still didn’t know how to show him the respect he craved but now that I’ve read your book ‘The Empowered Women’ I finally do know, and the other day he told me that I’m the best thing in his life and it was unbelievable to hear that from him – magical!! And all I did was change my attitude towards him and behave towards him with more respect! Fabulous magical six rules incl ‘I hear you’ which is really powerful magic – my husband felt really respected and understood when I said that to him the first time – I’ll never forget how he was startled at first but then I watched how the good feeling my words caused him melted all over reaching deep into his body and making him feel amazing! So I’m all for building up our husband’s self esteem – he’s starting to give me what I need to!! Thank you Laura!
My relationship is flourishing because of you, Laura! Not only with my boyfriend, but with my ex husband too! I am applying these principles to both relationships and I see a huge difference. Both men feel acknowledged and the results are palpable. Thank you so much!
I just had all three of these arguments with my husband…so glad to have read this now i have a clearer understanding of what he is feeling and what he us thinking. Thank you Laura.
How do you implement the last one? Just say something like? “oh OK. Well I can’t wait til you get home and we can spend some time together?” is that what is meant here?
So, we’re not to act like their mothers, but we need to coddle them….lol
DH doesn’t like going out or travel (he used to love it before we got married) so we stay home- unless one of his guy friends asks us to do something, which is very rare. (Covid has had zero effect on our social life :-/) I’d absolutely love a mutually loving, respectful relationship but don’t think it’s possible with this one. I’ll just keep doing what I have to endure.
My husband won’t take the time to memorize my phone number, dont want to know how I take my coffee…… yet I’m suppose to tell him hes great? I dont get some of these suggestions.
My husband works and helps around the house… we don’t talk at dinner… and by the time clean up is done and we sit with each other, he falls a sleep. Day after day… I know he works hard but I feel alone, and left out and not cared for. Why do I have to initiate everything!! Any advice!??
Becky, you shouldn’t have to initiate everything! It sounds so lonely to see him falling asleep day after day when you could finally be having time together. No wonder you’re feeling alone, left out and not cared for. No one deserves to feel that way. I still remember thinking my marriage was hopeless and being scared to try, which is why my coaches and I have helped thousands of women fix their relationships.
We can help you too! Get a coach so you can stop wasting time feeling alone and start feeling desired, taken care of and special! Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here: https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/