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How to Get Your Husband to Pay Attention to You

4 Ways to Bring Back the Magic from When You First Fell in Love

Sometimes it feels like everything else is more important to your husband than you are: work, the kids, whoever is texting him. Even the dog gets more of his time than you do!

You’re craving his attention so much it hurts, and yet the whole day passes–and the next and the next–and he has barely acknowledged that you exist.

It’s easy to get resentful and feel unimportant. Him just asking about your day or sitting next to you on the couch would be so simple to do and go such a long way with you.

But he doesn’t. He won’t.

I still remember what that was like.

Since you can’t control anyone except yourself, how do you get him to improve?

There are 4 powerful ways to get your man to be attentive.

Here’s how to solve this painful dynamic:

1. Consider Your Feminine Gifts

Part of what makes romantic relationships so electrifying is the gender contrast between you.

You were attracted to him because of his manliness.

He was attracted to you because of your femininity.

I don’t mean just physically feminine. This is not about lip gloss or strappy sandals (although I’m sure he likes that part too). I’m talking about your feminine spirit.

It’s intensely gratifying when masculine and feminine collide and connect.

Remember the magic you felt when that happened?

You were bringing your feminine self, maybe without even knowing it. You were receptive and therefore a powerful magnet to him.

That’s why you never had to ask for his attention then. He was fascinated by your emotional brilliance and softness–so fascinated that he committed to you above everyone else on the planet.

He signed up for a lifetime of being around your feminine spirit.

If you’ve since fallen into feeling angry, he can no longer see that irresistible spirit of yours.

He misses it as much as you miss his attention, but he doesn’t know how to get it back either.

I know it doesn’t seem like you’re choosing anger; it seems like the anger is a response to his neglect. But it’s blocking you both from something you very much enjoyed together.

You can make a different choice than being mad. You can take off that rusty anger armor and be as shiny as you always were.

Your femininity holds the key.

2. Find Evidence that He Pays Attention to You

Ava was convinced that her man didn’t love her anymore, as she outlined point after point when we spoke.

She had a very solid case against him.

And that was the problem.

When she thought about him, she was focused on all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t text her. He hadn’t called. He was away and incommunicado.

Each one of those things made her mad! And disappointed. And scared that she was not going to be loved.

There’s nothing scarier than feeling you aren’t going to be loved.

So by finding that evidence of him not loving her, she was causing herself to get upset and then angry, which obscured her beautiful feminine spirit, which, in turn, was proving her right.

In other words, she was creating what she focused on, just like we all do.

When I suggested that she make a list of the proof that he did love her, she said it was too painful because it wasn’t true.

But truth is a funny thing. It changes when your perspective changes.

When she finally started her list of 22 things that proved her man did love her, she only got to number 14 before she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me this would make me feel so much better?”

That moment, she was pleasantly surprised to get a text from him that started, “Hey beautiful! What are you up to?”

You could chalk it up to coincidence. But I see that kind of thing happen too much to doubt that changing her focus changed her experience.

3. Provide Emotional Safety

In the heat of your anger, you might want him to hurt. That’s just human.

When you’re angry at him, he knows it. And like a little boy who’s in trouble with the principal, he avoids you to avoid his punishment.

It’s so immature.

But retaliating in anger won’t get you the attention you crave. Quite the opposite.

He’ll go out of his way to avoid the criticism, and therefore you.

I still remember how hard that was to wrap my brain around. I thought if I stopped criticizing his neglect, I was giving up on getting the attention I wanted, but my experience has been just the opposite.

When I started listening without judging or telling him what to do, he wanted to talk more.

When I smiled as he was leaving and when he came back instead of scowling and pouting, he came back faster.

Maybe you don’t feel like you want to smile at him. At all!

That’s okay. You don’t have to feel like it to experiment with it. You could just put a smile on the way you do for the receptionist at the dentist.

I find I feel better when I’m smiling anyway. So the fringe benefit of creating emotional safety for my husband is that I feel happier.

4. Use This Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy

Do you say things like “You never pay attention to me!”?

Besides criticizing him, you’re also affirming the outcome you don’t want.

What would it hurt to start affirming the outcome you do want?

You could say to him (and yourself), “I love how attentive you are to me” or “I appreciate you giving me so much attention” or “I’m so lucky to have such an attentive husband.”

Saying that seems scary or uncomfortable at first because you’re so used to focusing on the negative outcome. You may feel like you’re leaving reality.

But since you’re not enjoying this reality that much, why not leave it in favor of having the attention you crave and deserve?

Changing my life for the better usually does feel scary and uncomfortable.

But it’s also been exhilarating to have a husband who seeks my company and hurries home just to give me his attention.

If I can create that kind of relationship, you can too!

Which of these 4 ideas are you going to put into practice first? I’d love to hear. Post your comment below.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

94 replies on “How to Get Your Husband to Pay Attention to You”

Ukwuoma, I love your intention to provide emotional safety. I’m excited to hear how it goes!

You make a very good point. Words have power. If you are constantly speaking negative things, your going to get a negative outcome. Also if you speak positive things, you will get a more positive outcome. I will stop asking for attention and make him want to give me attention by my words and actions.

It’s so unfair when women are being neglected by their partner but they still have to put in the most work just to get their man to respond to them in the correct way. Why is it okay that the women are always working hardest in the relationship? Why are men to rewarded a women’s best behavior when he is slacking? This is so lopsided.

My thoughts exactly. The whole time I was reading this I was like, wow, ok, so as a woman I have to put in even more time and work and energy just to be treated like a human being who deserves love and respect? Ridiculous.

I agree with you..
I even tried to give him more attention , more time, more smile and hope to have some bonding time.
I have asked to have 10mins each day to spend together.
He tells me don’t need it.
I have request if we can talk daily for a bit instead of watching iPad or placing games on your phone.
He said that’s the way I want to live.
What about the way I want to live ?
He said you are asking too much.

I agree! I am so sick of it that we have to get the man to love us. I am caught in a nightmare, and still, I have to be the one who must convince him to love me. Sick of this.

I’m also seak of it if he loves me as his wife why must I atrack him

I do agree with you I put out effort to make him happy. I tell him and show him how I feel. He doesn’t I feel neglected and alone with him. He doesn’t pay much attention to me. How am I supposed to stilll fee loved and valued?

I just want to ha e sex again… ?‍♀️
Idk what happened… we have never lacked passion! Even when we were angry with one another.. ?. I have lost weight, I have become the person he wanted me to be. And he was right! I am happier with who I am and I love being me! ❤️…..but why doesn’t he ?? Not to toot my own horn ( but toot toot) I am pretty, smart, kind, easy going and I love him! Why can’t I get some attention!!??!

Absolutely. I’m so tired of women being told THEY need to work harder than the men in relationships and men being given a free pass to be whatever they’re being and NOT being held to account as adults.

I AGREE. He is the one treating me horribly – and now I have to act like I like it or it’s okay for him to hurt me? Psshhaw! I’ll give him the same response he gave me – if you don’t like it, you can leave.

Yes! 29 years of marriage and I’ve tried so hard to make my husband a happier person, and to give us a better marriage. Why can’t I just be loved by the man I married? Why can’t he give me a few compliments here and there? He sure doesn’t have any problems complimenting himself. I’m 56, I take very good care of myself. I try to be positive, attractive, lighthearted, and always singing. Instead I have a husband who drank heavily for years and still falls asleep on the couch watching tv every, single night. He is a good provider though so I just figure it’s a trade off. : /

Agree 100% I have read book after book, listened to pod cast, tried to use some of the suggestions I’ve reading suggested things for him to read. HE DOES NOT CARE! I always feel like I’m wasting my time.

I agree with you. It’s not right fit us woman alway do extra. Why we can not be shy? Why we have to put this extra move to be seen????

Hi. Women are better at rrelationships and communication than men are. But following him around asking for attention is not what Laura meant. She means to be the one to take the initiative to stop telling him what to do. It works even if you want to go to counseling but he does not, because you as a woman are the natural leader in a relationship. You can be the therapist, not by telling him he has a complex, but by providing the positive atmosphere where love can flourish. I think if you read Laura’s book the Surrendered Wife and the Empowered wife, and you try the changes it suggests, you will get what you seek, an affectionate husband who helps with housework. I dare you to try it!

Wilma, I love your conviction and understanding of the Skills. You sound like a future coach! If that’s calling to you, you can learn all about becoming a coach here.

Hi Laura, im at that point of breakdown. I have a very loving caring husband, but i suspect he is chatting with women on social media, that makes me feel so insecure and useless.
He would do all these small gesrures to make me happy and i appreciate that, but i cant shake this feeling that he cheats through social media, not physically because his always with me after work, no late work, or boys outings.

Didry, I’m sorry to hear you’re at the point of breakdown. I would be too if I suspected cheating, so I get why you’re feeling so insecure and useless. That is so painful. I remember living in fear in my marriage, and it was lousy and lonely. That’s why we’ve helped so many women fix their marriages, even when there was cheating.

We can help you too! Here’s where you can join the waitlist to get the support to turn things around:

I’d love to share some resources and will ask my team to email you a confirmation so you don’t miss anything.

All of them. I love your approach. Its already worked for me and my boyfriend. It was really amazing.

Can you give me any pointers on trust?

I will be more feminine. Softer and fragile.I will try to exude an air of needing him more

Edeme, that is a beautiful intention to be more feminine. I acknowledge you for showing vulnerability and your feminine spirit!

This is truly some backwards 1950’s approach to relationships. Women are supposed to bury their needs and feelings and pretend that they’re ok with how their partner is neglecting them?

Sorry but no.

I agree with the overall sentiment—that a friendly approach might open up more communication than an angry approach—but the way this is written and the details of this “plan” are truly backwards.

As a wife, you are an adult who should be able to tell your spouse (also an adult) that you need to talk and have that open discussion about your dissatisfaction without “smiling as if you’re at the dentist”.

And if your husband/partner doesn’t give you the time of day for that discussion, or keeps doing it…then it’s time to value yourself more and move on to someone who does.

I totally agree with you. I’ve been married for 13 years. And have tried everything to get my husband to treat me with respect and get told if I’m lonely in our marriage then I should leave. He has cheated on me probably more than I know. I honestly think it’s how he was raised!

I have read many of these replies and while I agree with the overall sentiment I am seeing a common thread. Which is we are not trying to shift our thinking. We are talking about the problem over and over again. We require change from them but don’t seem to want to change our own attitude, belief’s and perspective. It sounds like considering that we are doing something wrong is not an option…. That’s when I start asking me if what I am doing is working.

Mind you in listening to what some of you are describing I think it may be a deal-breaker for me…. So I might leave if certain things are crossing the line. Deal-breakers are personal and determined by our own values we can’t know what that might be for others. For all the other comments they resonated with me because I believe I am right! That my husband is just not caring enough… Which is hurtful cause it feels like something is wrong with me. However, if I were to try to catch him doing something good( instead of all the things he isn’t doing right) I wonder what I might find. Which brings me to the point that I don’t want to smile when I am not happy… But I do want him to sit beside me and care. Which he won’t do if he thinks that all that negative energy is always because of him or what he isn’t doing, saying, giving! I wouldn’t.

Maybe we should consider a change in our attitudes and stop bringing every bad thing to the table… That can be exhausting. Just find one good thing and hold on to it for the day. That may make us smile or add value to our relationship. It’s bloody hard work! If it works it’s so damn worth it it!

I will try to catch him doing something good and highlight that for a change!

I’ve done all of the above and more. My husband packed his stuff and said “I’m not that guy anymore” and basically abandoned this family on Sunday evening. Right now I have no way to contact him I have no clue where he is. I’m just heart broken I did all of these things and more. ????

Marcia, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband leaving in spite of your efforts. You are not alone! Many marriages are mended after the husband leaves. One of our clients decided she was done fighting for her marriage after her husband left her and their children, so she sought coaching for a surrendered separation instead. Just as she was preparing to be a surrendered single, her husband made a dramatic and romantic return, saying he loved her, he missed her and he was sorry. So I know there is hope to save your marriage and bring your family back together. I would love to see you be part of a likeminded community of women. I have an upcoming free webinar that will empower you to do that. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here:

Sarah, thanks for your question. There are so many ways! I invite you to check out some of them in my new TV Series, Empowered Wives, which is free with an Amazon Prime membership or a free 1-month trial of Prime, at

This is absurd! How can you tell a person you can help them get their husband to love them by watching a TV series?!

I am sorry to say that when your husband is stubborn unfornately there may be no way to change that.

I’ve been doing all of the above and just want to say that Laura’s method is a game changer. I’m not married (yet), but after reading her books (Surrendered Single and Surrendered Wife) I am in a beautiful relationship that makes me feel feminine and adored every day after years of guys who were great, but not husband material. Thanks Laura!

Jean, that is awesome to hear. I’m so happy you’ve created a beautiful relationship where you feel feminine and adored. It sounds like you have really been committed to practicing the Intimacy Skills to make that change, and I acknowledge you!

I had to re-read the post about femininity, and now that I have, I will be practicing “Thank you,” much more often. Recently I forgot this important aspect of being feminine when my Significant Other offered to give himself a raise (he owns the company) in order to pay off my credit card debt. Silly me, I told him that I was simply letting him know what was on my mind; I was not asking him to fix the problem! Thankfully, a couple of weeks later he mentioned another idea he had for taking care of the debt and I simply stated, “Whatever you think.” Laura, your methods work wonders when I remember to use them!

Laurie, thank you for sharing your intention to say “thank you” more. That is a good one! I admire you for receiving graciously and relinquishing control in such a respectful way. I love how you were still able to practice those Skills, even when that was not your default reaction. Now it sounds like you have plenty of opportunity to pour on the gratitude, so kudos for focusing on that Skill. Woohoo!

I have been practicing the skills, and they are becoming more habitual. They sure work! Not yet there with the spouse-fulfilling prophecy, but we’ll get there.
Recently, when my mother was upset (sort of at me) about something, and I thought she was wrong, all my practice with my husband paid off. For the first time, I was able to see my mother’s pain, and listen to it. I am 50 yo, and this was the first time. I knew the issue was on her paper, not mine. I just needed to keep my side of the street clean. I called her up and listened and listened and listened. And listened some more. Then I behaved warm and loving the next day, not angry. Today, she mentioned to me that when she got angry she thinks she was in the wrong. I was shocked. First time she ever said that! This stuff is AMAZING!
I can’t wait to read the book. So far I’ve seen revolutionary changes just from reading this wonderful blog. ☺

Wow, Ilana, that is amazing! Beautiful job listening so respectfully and keeping your side of the street clean. I love how the change in you inspired such a different response in your mother right away, for the first time in all these years. And that you were able to create that change simply by reading the blog–my hat is off to you! I’m excited to think what you can do with what you’ll learn in the book! You can read a free chapter of my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife here: Enjoy the revolution!

I think when I’m tempted to focus on him not paying attention to me, I will make a list of the ways he DOES pay attention to me! I might even shoot him a message saying I love how adored by him I feel because he’s so attentive!

Yes! Shannon, you have created such a powerful spouse-fulfilling prophecy. I love your intention to focus on how attentive and adoring he is. Knowing how what I’ve focused on has increased, I’m excited at what will happen with you focusing on that!

I have been mindful of the thoughts,energy & words I speak in situations that are hard or unfair & discouraging. I see that when I focus on the positive I want & make a call or speak from that.. I get a positive result. Sometimes no matter how sweet, you can’t change the person. However, I feel more impowered & @ peace within. So creating emotional safety is what I’m practicing & did today and as I practiced it, I actually got a great reply. I am also working on Affirmative words. Thanks Laura Doyle

You’re welcome, Marvina! It sounds like you’re doing a beautiful job bringing more respect and gratitude into your relationship and your life. It’s great that not only are you feeling more peaceful but your efforts are being received so well too! I would love to meet you at the Cherished for Life Weekend in NJ coming up on the 28th. I know you would love the community of likeminded women there who will support you as you grow in feeling empowered. If you want to come, the details are here:

I will provide emotional safety. I’ve noticed that when I’m angry I don’t have to say anything. He just knows. So I’m trying to catch myself when I get angry and ask myself what the root of that anger is and often its because “I feel”…… I’m learning to share how I’m feeling and often I’ve misconstrued the message or heard what I wanted to hear, not what he actually said.

Andrea, kudos on your commitment to providing emotional safety. It sounds like you’ve already been doing a beautiful job of that–and restoring respect and showing vulnerability too! I hear that you’re really getting in touch with your feelings, which, for me, is an empowering place to be. Thank you for sharing your experience practicing the Intimacy Skills!

I know my husband loves me, but I do need to understand the things you mentioned…I will smile more, express how much I appreciate all the things he does for me, and tell him what I want instead of thinking by me mentioning it that he should know I want him to do it. Thank you for the suggestions..

You’re welcome, Nancy. Thank you for sharing your takeaways! It’s beautiful to imagine you being that goddess of fun and light smiling, expressing your gratitude, and expressing your desires purely. I’m excited to hear how it goes for you!

I’m going to work on the spouse-fulfilling prophecy.
And the others too but more on that one.
Thank you Laura for your help. I know it truly works when I do it. I wish I weren’t so stubborn sometimes or that I didn’t PMS but I’m working at it. ????

You’re welcome, Dene! I love hearing that it’s working for you! I admire you for wanting to up your gratitude even more with the spouse-fulfilling prophecy. I hear it’s not always easy. For me, the Intimacy Skills empower me to have choices for my actions, regardless of the circumstances. I welcome you to attend my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at

You’re welcome, Dene! I admire you for wanting to up your gratitude even more with the spouse-fulfilling prophecy. I love hearing that it’s working for you! I hear it’s not always easy though. I invite you to take my 5-Day Get Cherished Challenge at

Reading all the great posts lately. What about this important one:
How to get your husband to lose weight?

Wish I could put this all into action but my husband of 28 years has now left the home. Claiming he isn’t feeling any love anymore. What do I do any advice.

Beth Kelly, I’m so sorry to hear that. That is devastating. Based on my experience working with thousands of women, there is so much hope for your marriage even though he isn’t feeling any love anymore. I would love to see you get the support you need to get your husband back. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach would fit for you. You can apply here:

I so appreciate your weekly blogs. I’ve read a lot of your work and my marriage (and parenting) have improved a lot. But I sometimes forget and start to slip up, and the fresh weekly reminders are so helpful.

Thank you for your kind words, SL! I’m so glad to hear the weekly blog is making a difference for you. I hear you, as I need support to be reminded and stay motivated too! It sounds like you’ve already made great progress in your marriage and parenting. I acknowledge you for being so committed to practicing the Intimacy Skills! I love how my marriage keeps getting better and better with the Skills. If you want to build on your progress, I have a free webinar coming up that you will find so valuable. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here:

It’s incredible that when I do the work and put into practice all the suggestions that you provide I get the results that I want. But as soon as I let go I feel the reprucussions. Lately I’ve been super busy and stressed with very little sleep. In addition I’ve been focusing on all the things my husband does that annoy, disappoint and frustrate me. And most of them are not directed at me. They should be none of my business! At the same time he demonstrated kindness and consideration to me but my vision was clouded and I exuded negative energy. Which eventually is what I got back. So, I plan to refocus and concentrate again on the work (sometimes I want to let go because im so tired but when I do I get a quick reminder…)
Thank you for all the tips and weekly posts…they’re invaluable!

You’re welcome, Connie. I admire you for having such great awareness and for finding gratitude, even when you’re stressed and it’s easy to focus on what’s wrong. Being tired and depleted makes it challenging for me to surrender too. I love that you’re renewing your commitment to practicing the Intimacy Skills. I have a free webinar coming up that will help you do that. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here:

I will try to smile at him more and notice the good reasons I know he loves me. And I will thank him when he does give me attention! I really need this work!! We are engaged and in biblical counseling. Many many areas that need help. I never get gifts or compliments or much of his time. I know he loves me and wants a godly relationship but he doesn’t sacrifice much to get it.

Tonya, it sounds frustrating not to receive gifts or compliments or much time together, especially given the effort you’re investing. I love your commitment to practicing gratitude and being a goddess of fun and light. I remember when my husband wasn’t much of a giver either. Now he is so eager to please me that I’m receiving all over the place! I would love to see you have that opportunity. I’m excited for you to see how things change when you experiment with all 6 of the Intimacy Skills. You can get them from my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. Here’s a free chapter for you:

Great post Laura, my husband has over the years become extremely resentful and inattentive.
He keeps asking us to move back home to our home country and close to his parents, totally forgetting how that’s going to hurt me in emotionally and career too.
Our conflict over this issue alone, has made him completely insensitive to me. I try and practice all your 6 intimacy skills but they all fail as he is so focused on my refusal to move back home.

I have stopped focusing on negatives, but that ain’t stopping him to be convinced that I don’t love and respect him as I don’t want to go back to his parents and family back home!!
We are really struggling as a couple

Ugh, Dina, I hear that this conflict is causing a major rift in your marriage. I admire you for choosing to let go of focusing on the negative and for having the vulnerability to reach out for support. I love how when I persevere in practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, my husband’s hero gene is activated and he is so eager to please me. I want that for you too! I believe my upcoming free webinar will help you turn things around. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here:

Laura, my husband and I are 1 month into a trial separation, his choice. Before we separated, he threw the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” line at me. I naturally started to push the sex, to which he rejected… then eventually he felt pressured to move out. I was trying too hard in all areas. In my head, separation meant no sex so I totally backed off in that area. But sex happened last night and it seemed natural. I’m glad it happened, of course, because I miss being close to him. Do you think it’s a good idea or bad idea to do this during a trial separation?

Great question, Holly! I love your vulnerability and receptivity. Beautiful. I remember missing my husband in bed. The 6 Intimacy Skills have rekindled our sex life. I know that can happen for you too and would love to see you empowered with the tools to do that. Given that you’re in a trial separation, I think this deserves a longer conversation. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call with one of my coaches at

“Him just asking about your day or sitting next to you on the couch would be so simple to do and go such a long way with you.” This is what I struggle with every day. I have read The Empowered Wife and many blogs posts and have finally found, after a year of relationship troubles, advice that feels authentic and compassionate for both people in a relationship. But as I’ve been working on the intimacy skills, I’ve found that my partner is still extremely negative about me and my behavior, even when I focus on being respectful, fun, and understanding! Saying “I miss you” or words of appreciation are either ignored or seen as an annoyance. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong… but I am starting to feel hopeless that no matter how many positive changes I make to be a happier me and a better partner, the negative interpretation of me will never budge. I know I only have control over my side of the street, but so far I seem to have no positive influence even with my many changes in attitude and behavior.

Tori, I want to acknowledge you for all the changes you’ve made and for your commitment to restoring the intimacy in your relationship. It must be so frustrating that all your efforts are not being better received. For me, I needed support to see my own blindspots. I thought I was being respectful, for example, but I had no idea all the ways my disrespect was coming across. Working with another surrendered wife allowed me to overcome those rough spots and have the playful, passionate marriage I have today. I admire everything you’ve been able to do by the book. I’d love for you to see how some extra support could take your relationship to the next level so you can feel cherished, desired and adored. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach would fit for you. You’ll get so much clarity from this call alone. You can apply here:

Dear Laura,
Thank you for your inspiring article. I am already 4years marries and expecting first babe (almost 8 month). I have almost the same problem of less attention from my husband compared to our pre-marriage period. In addition to that by chance, I have found the text message in his facebook, where he writes another woman and invites her to go out. Fortunately she declined several times, but he writes her from time to time already several months. I know that reading his fb messages is not good, but from time to time I just check it, when I feel insecure.
I know he lives me, however I am worried about the reason, why he writes to her, is it my fault or what can I do to change his mind.

Nina, congratulations on your pregnancy! Especially during such a potentially joyful time, it sounds painful that you’re not getting the attention you want from your husband and that he’s asking another woman out. One of my clients felt so insecure when she kept finding suspicious texts on her husband’s phone. She devoted herself to practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, and now he’s taking her on vacation after vacation and treating her like a queen. (She feels so cherished that she doesn’t even feel the need to check his phone anymore.) If she can do it, I know you can too! I’ll give you the tools in my free webinar coming up. It’s called “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life” and you can register for it here:

OMG…. I am going to start with my list of how attentive he really is and work from there. Then I’m going to move on to all the other items. My husband is gone 5 out of 7 days and never calls or text and I nag him about it all the time. It’s time I change my attitude and put your suggestions into play.

Vicki, I love your willingness to try something new! This is a beautiful SFP you’ve created, and it sounds like just the start of how things are about to change for you! I remember those days of feeling so disconnected from my husband. Along with the gratitude I expressed in my new SFPs, practicing all 6 Intimacy Skills gave me back my husband’s attention and affection. I can’t wait for you to get that back too! I have a free webinar that you will find so valuable. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here:

I am so happy I found this. I actually read it a couple months ago, forgot all about it, and stumbled upon it again. Because I have adhd, mood, and anxiety disorders that he does not understand, it has been difficult to get him to understand the affection, connection and intimacy I need from him. I am generally very direct and have told him many times what I need and expect, however I have not attempted this approach. I do feel that he would respond better and I am going to try my hardest! It is quite difficult adding in some dysfunction in my part. His reassurance, attentiveness, and affection would so greatly ease my busy disorderly mind to such an extent I could live an entirely different life. I only wish to show him that, and I hope your ideas will help us both to achieve the relationship neither of us believe we can ever have.

KT, I hear it’s hard to believe you could have the relationship of your dreams. So I really admire your faith that this could work for you and your willingness to try a new approach.

I used to get so frustrated when all my efforts to tell my husband what I needed were in vain. My dysfunction turned into rage. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which empowered me to focus on my happiness and being my best self. Suddenly my husband became attentive and affectionate, finally giving me the kind of love I needed!

I know you can get your husband’s attention, affection and reassurance too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills. You can register for free at

Laura, I have been married for 2 months and intimacy has pretty much disappeared. I am seductive and like things to not be wambam thank you. Once in awhile fine, but not all the time. I find myself doing exactly what you say in your article, rebelling and making snide comments. It’s hard not to when he says “think we will have sex tmrw, no probably not”. How can you not react to that but I will do all in my power to let it just fly by. I believe that he says it just to get a rise out of me which works. He has so many qualities that I love and I feel very safe with him and I will focus on that. Any other pointers you have for me will be welcomed. Debra

Debra, it is so discouraging to lose the intimacy as newlyweds. I admire your vulnerability and your commitment to restoring the intimacy.

I did not have your level of awareness. I thought I was being a great wife and couldn’t understand why we lacked intimacy. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills and finally learned the tools to attract him back to me. Now my husband is eager to please me, and my marriage is more playful and passionate than ever.

I would love to give you the tools to have the marriage you envisioned when you said “I do.” I invite you to my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at

Reading this blog and your bio, it sounds like you’re writing about my life. Exactly what is happening in my marriage and how down I feel about myself right now. I am definitely guilty of criticism and I know it pushes my husband away. I want the romance back in our lives, but it’s hard when you have so many insecurities and all you are wanting is to be loved and shown attention. Thank you for writing this. I look forward to seeing how it affects my marriage.

Thank you Laura. I actually bought your book on amazon and starting putting it to use full force. We have great outgoing personalities and laugh at the same things. Yesterday I was at work and he was home and told me I made a huge mess in your kitchen…. I told him “we’ll actually if you could unload the dishwasher that would be a huge help. Then I thought and said ” no actually, I would love by some miracle if the dishwasher was empty when I got home”. We had a huge laugh together but guess what? It was empty! Just in 2 days of using the two sayings “I would love” and “whatever you think”, there has been a big change. He hates to be told what to do please or no please hates it. I can’t wait to finish reading the book. Thank you so much XO

Hello Laura, your books and blog gave me amazing insight on my marriage.
I try to be receptive at all times. But I wonder, what is the limit of being receptive? For example, my husband bought me a chocolate bar or icecream when I’m on a diet. Would saying “no” to this diminish his desire to make me happy?
Or lets say he plans a vacation in some beach while I prefer to spend the holiday in the countryside, but I’m ok with the beach too. He is working and currently I’m a housewife so it’s also important for him to relax in a holiday. Should I go along with everything he plans?

I’m sorry but as good as your intentions are, this is encouraging women to be dishonest with their spouses. Thank you but no thanks

I have just read this article & will TRY MY BEST to start implementing the techniques you’ve suggested–despite the fact that I am BEYOND HURT right now!!!….& what’s worse is my husband knows, b/c when he called me, while out on a service call 2 nights ago, I finally broke down & told him what had been bothering me here lately–& he said, “all I can say is, I’m sorry…” then, of course, he had to go b/c he was getting another phone call. My Heart is LITERALLY BROKEN right now, b/c I look around & from what I’m seeing, he makes time for–will actually go out of his way to make time for & to talk to ANYONE/EVERYONE ELSE IN HIS LIFE BUT ME!!!!….this has nothing to do with my ego, trust me, I am TOTALLY USED TO me/my feelings not being the priority of people, however, I just feel like, he asked me what was bothering me, I told him & then he does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to change it!!!!….in fact, he even did something tonight that I feel like was “putting salt in the open wound”—going to this store tonight, that he’d promised me last week we’d go to this past weekend for our anniversary/his birthday–just to spend some time together & then he couldn’t b/c he had to work—& then he goes tonight, without me?…it’s things like that, that lead me to believe that he just doesn’t care anymore–about me anyway….

I have tried this and all he says is that he needs more space and we need time apart. We have 4 kids. All girls. Ages are 7, 3, 21 months, and our miracle baby born 10 weeks early she is 3 months old going by her birthday. Going by due date she would be only about one month old. That is why she is so little for her age. ..but he has made comments of having a separate building on the property to have more space bc he feels like we all spend to much time together. I don’t see how that’s possible. He is gone a majority of the day for work and at night he goes out. I stay home with kids. So he might be in house with us maybe an HR or two the whole day and night. But he says he spends to much time with us..?? I still don’t get it. I feel like this is an excuse for him to not ever have to come inside and spend time with kids or me. He also has been distant as far as talking to me. And definitely distant in a way he has never been the bedroom…he won’t even hug me or kiss me on the cheek. Nothing. He also changed his relationship status on Facebook to single and removed me as his wife. He then blocked me. And I know what most say. It’s bc u didn’t give him space. No actually I gave him space and didn’t bug him or message him unless he messaged me first. And I literally have done nothing wrong although others place blame and say it’s my fault. It truly isnt. Bc I do anything and everything he asks and more. I am kind to him even when he is unkind to me and says things to me that hurt me. I still am nice to him. I don’t understand y he is acting like he no longer wants to be around me or our kids. That’s what really stabs a knife right thru my heart. ?

HELP ME!! my boyfriend is ready to leave me and i do truly love him , but he says i never pay attention to him which i do not , i am always doing my own thing and that is not because i don’t want to spend time with him because i do , i just get so angry that he wants to give all his attention to me , i am not use to it ! we have been together for 4 years now and i really need some help and tips on not how to get so angry with him and be there for him like he is too me. I treat him as my worst enemy

How am I supposed to be the only one changing. I try and tell him how I feel and how he makes me feel and he doesn’t care. I have really tried to change, I have really tried to be more grateful, but it just goes back to the way it was. I feel like you are saying it’s all my fault and he is only reacting to me being angry and that he doesn’t have to try but I do. Why do all the articles I read act like the woman is to blame and that we must change. I’ve tried but he won’t let go of past issues that are irrelevant and just brings them up to hurt me. How can I keep trying if he can’t put forth any effort or even care that I’m trying? He blames me for everything and acts like I do nothing right, I feel like if I don’t breathe right he’ll yell at me. We used to be so cute together! We used to have an amazing relationship, and I know I messed up a lot and did and said things I never should have, but he has too! And just now while I’m typing this he comes in here acting like yesterday never happened and asked why I’m in here by myself crying. I try and tell him and he started getting angry and cussing me. He said we were fine but now all of a sudden I’m acting this way again. But the truth is we weren’t fine before this, I have just been pretending everything is OK and acting like how he treats me is OK and I try not to let him see how much he hurts me. Because I’m trying to let things go but in truth I’m just putting it in the back of my mind hoping it goes away but it never does. So I told him that, that we weren’t fine and that I’ve been pretending and he says “finally!” then walks out of the room. I can’t pretend anymore that I’m happy, I want him to understand this but he doesn’t, and he doesn’t care. I told him that I want my old Jeremy back but he said that won’t happen, he’s gone. Yet when he talks to anyone but me his old funny sweet self comes out. I could go on and on, but my point is how am I supposed to be the only one trying to fox this. How is it only my fault?

this is dumb you want us to lie and play games I’m not about playing games if I have the feeling he should know it and he’s changed I’m not going to play games and lie about how I feel so they’ll change it’s just stupid find someone u work with.

ok, so tell me how I make this work?? I caught my husband cheating last October 2018 with another woman. In fact, he had been having an emotional affair with this woman for 3 years. I was devastated beyond belief. We have been through an emotional rollercoaster since, gone through some therapy but he stopped, said he had enough because I will never forgive him and he will be a prisoner in the marriage for the rest of our years. I am completely fed up with his uncaring attitude and have asked him to leave numerous times. He says he has no where to go and it’s his home too. He is willing to stay together with no love or intimacy because he says he doesn’t like sex with me and has no interest. HUH???
Why do I even want to be nice to this man? He has shut me out, stays in a separate bedroom and we are now living as room mates in the house. It’s boring and very lonely for me. Life sucks for me with this man.

LBJ That is devastating! I can see why you’re questioning why you want him back as your lover and not just a roommate. You must be furious with him!

I admire your commitment and willingness to seek answers to improve your marriage even with so much hurt.

Good news though–you can transform this situation completely with the right coaching, training, and support. You can learn more about how to become a happy wife by downloading my FREE Adored Wife Roadmap:

I know it feels like your marriage is falling apart, but you can fix this relationship and be a happy wife again.

Wow…. I needed to read this! Thank you… I definitely will say positive, affirmations instead of criticism.

You know I used to do these little tricks when I was younger, and it worked on my husband and I guess I completely forgot the power of a flirty, sweet smile! It really does work…so hard as you said when we get into the rut of being annoyed…expecting something negative “finding that”. Which your perspective is true, if we have pouty annoyed looks on our face it doesn’t exactly scream I want to see you! Total opposite and they say men’s brains are just more visually inclined and actually have less mirror neurons (that pickup on emotions!) so what they visually see is “get away from me you’re annoying” what they don’t tune into (because strong intuition we have they do not….that’s why we are the nurturers!) so they don’t recognize it means I like you so much I want to see you and love you. Thanks! Going to try this tomorrow…again!

I tried your ideas on my husband, but the more i try and use my feminine spirit, the more we grow apart and ignores me. It feels like I’m the only one trying in the relationship. He acts like he don’t care about me.

How can you confirm your spouce he’s that awesome husband when he is defending himself,and her about the affair they committed, when the conversation comes up he will yeld at me, as if I cheated on him and defends her, that hurts more than anything.. please I keep thinking about the scrupiture that said if a man even looks at another woman, he committed adultery, and all I do is pray,take care of him and the family. been married to him for 14years as of today, and I am asking God what to do in his word, not my feelings i hurt and wants to move on….

Men are taught that women will be the fixers, always. I see what the author is saying but I don’t agree with this remedy all the time. Maybe if women tried the same response that the men have, investing in themselves & their own happiness, pursuing their passions and interests their men would then notice them & put in the effort. The women may also realize they don’t need to depend on the man for attention as much as they now have satisfaction with a new focus.

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