When Love Doesn’t Conquer All

How I Got a Second Chance at True Intimacy
Darlene, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

In 2000, I was blessed with a second chance: a do-over with Jay, my first love and the father of my only child.

Jay and I had not seen each other or even spoken for almost 20 long years. Somehow, neither of us had married or had other children. When we reconnected, we knew that our love story was one that onlyGod could have written, so this time around we wanted to make it official! We got married and became a family for the very first time.

Although we were so committed to making this renewed love work, as with every relationship, life started to challenge us with bumps on the road and the obstacles that come with marriage and family.

I wish I could say that love conquers all, but I had lived through enough to understand that I had to embrace a new way of thinking and being if I wanted the relationship to work this time.

The problem was, I wasn’t sure what that “new way” looked like.

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My Husband and I Fight All the Time

What You Can Do when It’s His Fault
Kathy Murray, Certified Master Relationship Coach

My husband and I fought about everything all the time.

Every day I told him what to wear, what to do professionally and around the house. I controlled all the money–how we spent it and invested. I would even redo the laundry he had folded or the way he’d set up the online banking because I didn’t think he had done it right.

He responded by shouting. Our home was tense and volatile, but I was sure that if Doug would only see things my way we could save our marriage.

I started going to therapy, where I would complain about how much I resented him because he never took initiative. I was exhausted from working full time, managing the household budget, and raising four children and my husband too!

There was so much distance between us that we slept in separate bedrooms. I was lonely, unhappy and devastated by the thought of a second divorce, but I also felt powerless to fix things.

I thought our failing marriage was entirely my husband’s fault, just like I believed that my first divorce was entirely my first husband’s fault.

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The Most Important Step in My Journey

From Arguing to Happily-Ever-After
Becky, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

At age 37, I met the man I would marry. We dated briefly before he proposed, and I figured I had nothing to lose. I was hoping for happily-ever-after and preparing for the worst at the same time.

My happily-ever-after never arrived, but the worst did. My insecurities and fears took control. Early on, I felt lost, hurt, and alone. We argued all the time and immediately grew painfully apart. I was regretting marriage altogether.

Since I did not trust him, I controlled everything: chores, bills, finances, cooking, and practically all the decisions in our household. I felt overworked, taken for granted, and depleted.

I lost myself completely.

Occasional good moments gave me glimpses of hope. Then, in record time, we would be back to arguments and recurring threats of divorce.

I felt stuck. Even though it appeared that we didn’t stand a chance, I did not want to end my marriage until I knew I had tried everything possible!

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I Am So Resentful

How I Traded in My Resentment for True Partnership
Stefanie, Laura Doyle Relationship Coach

I remember when I learned that the word “resentment” comes from the French word “sentir,” meaning to feel. As in feeling something over and over.

No wonder my opportunities for chronic resentment were on automatic replay in my head.

And I lost no opportunity of telling my husband about them. I was overwhelmed and unsupported, doing everything myself.

My deepest fear had come to fruition: I was alone. Or at least it felt that way.

My definition of marriage had been clear (to me, at least). It would be a partnership, everything split 50/50: the bills, housework, childcare. But for some reason, this was not happening.

How could this be? When I met Marco, I didn’t think people like him existed. He was so happy. He said that the word “stress” was not in his vocabulary and that he was here to simplify my life.

But it wasn’t so simple. Who would want a peaceful romance when I could opt for drama? I seemed addicted to it, with zero experience having a peaceful relationship.

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My Relationship Is Hopeless

How to Make Marriage Sexy Again
Valerie, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

“Thank you for being a sexy, hot mama,” my husband says, then he kisses me goodbye and leaves for work.

Yum! I lay in my cozy bed feeling thankful for a hardworking and loving husband. Extra thankful, in fact, because of how dramatically our entire lives have changed.

My story actually begins with an exhausted and unfulfilled “heroine”: me, a.k.a. “Superwoman,” who was actually more like Mary Mary Quite Contrary.

Bitter. Mad. Lonely. Sad.

Feeling unloved, uncherished, undesired, and unlovely.

As an extrovert, I have a perversely large desire to be seen, heard, appreciated, applauded, and extravagantly loved. (Maybe I can blame my grandma, who knows practically everyone and can talk to a tree.)

Whatever the cause, it feels like a curse at times. And whatever the personality, I know I’m not alone in having a profound need to be seen, heard, appreciated, and loved.

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